*
*
I’m going to try to make this relatively quick because it’s late and I’ve had a crazy busy day, but I wanted everyone to have an update on things.
My main man, Ben, continues to do well and is now breathing on his own. The only concern continues with his little heart. They did an echocardiogram on him yesterday and the murmur is still there. He is not showing any ill effects at the moment, but there is still plenty of concern. They are going to start him on some meds tomorrow and hopefully his heart will respond to the medication. If not, Pam and I will have to choose whether we want to proceed with an operation, or wait until he is a few months older.
Hopefully, we won’t have to be faced with this decision.
Pam is also doing exceptionally well. All the little ailments (swelling, nausea, heartburn, back pains, etc…) are gone. There’re still the normal aches that comes with having an operation, but she’s having a speedy recovery. Yesterday we went for a walk around the hospital and we made all the way without stopping. This is an enormous leap from not being able to stand for more than 15 minutes.
I want to open a parenthesis for a moment and tell you how amazing my wife is. Her resilience and optimism is inspiring. She is simply the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I’m speechless with her strength and unconditional love. Babe, I love you and I consider myself the luckiest man alive.
**
Cece finally got to meet Ben yesterday afternoon. I took her up for her visit and she didn’t have a whole lot to say. She was excited, for sure, but not certain what to think of Ben - with his cool eye shades and the trendy wires and tubes going in and out of him.
“Dat’s him, daddy?”
“Yeah Cee… That’s your little brother.”
“Daddy, whas dat?” She asked, pointing to the blue tube taped to his mouth.
“That helps him breathe.”
“Ann dat?”
“That helps the doctors listen to his heart.”
“Daddy, why his eyes haff dat?”
“Do you see that light over there?”
“Um-humm.”
“Well, that protects his eyes from that light. Just like when you put sunglasses when the sun is too bright.”
“Ohh… “
She went on to ask a few more questions about the weird little creature we are calling ‘her brother,’ and you could see the wheels spinning in her head. But in the end, she reached inside the isolette and with her index finger she grazed Ben’s hand. She was very gentle and very, very careful. Ben in return opened his little hand and circled his tiny fingers around Cece’s.
“Ahh,” Cece gasped.
“I think he likes you.”
I’ll forever remember Cece’s facial expression - it was both, anxious and warm. She looked a lot like Pam. It will be very interesting to watch as she processes everything that happens over the coming days, weeks, and months.
Now, I couldn’t post this without telling you I finally got to hold Ben for the first time this morning. It was also the first time that I got to see him without his beanie and eye shades…his little face is so perfect. They took him out of his isolette and placed him on my chest, skin-to-skin, for about 30 minutes of good cuddle time. He just settled right in and stayed perfectly content for the entire time. As you can imagine, I had a hard time giving him back. Now I know how Pam felt the first time she held him.
Her first visit only happened the day after Ben was born. Crazy, right? I still can’t believe they kept her away for that long. She harassed every nurse that came into her hospital room. The momma-bear in her came out in full force.
Where’s my son?
I want to see my son!
Why aren’t they letting me see him?
Jim, is he okay?
Tell me Jim, is Ben really okay??
This is ridiculous, where is my son???
Needles to say, she was pretty emotional when she saw him. But her tears were quickly replaced with smiles as the nurses debriefed her on Ben’s condition. She was a little scared to touch him – he appears to be so fragile, not to mention tiny, but when it came time to hold him, she was a natural.
“Hey little man, I’m your mom,” she said and looked at me with glistening eyes, “Jim, he is so small.”
“I know,” I said watching her hands engulf him completely.
“Watch this,” I said removing my wedding band and placing through Ben’s hand like a bracelet.
“Oh wow!” She said, holding his small arm in her hand. “You have to grow really strong, kay little man?
“He will,” I said.
Time stood still as she rocked him, telling him about the new world he’s now part of. But the nurses had to end our visit shortly after. Ben’s nervous system was still very immature and prolonged sensory overload (touching, speaking...) could harm him.
She handed Ben back to the nurse with a heavy heart and with tears in her eyes.
“Can we stay here a little longer?”
“Sure,” the nurse said. “But you have to be very quiet.”
Since then, Pam has held him many times. As a matter of fact, she got to nurse him for the first time today. He latched pretty quickly, in my opinion. He did fuss for a good 5 minutes, but his sucking instincts kicked in and he nursed for a total of 7 minutes before tiring himself out.
Pam will be discharged tomorrow and I know she will not want to leave. And it will be weird leaving the hospital and going home without him. A piece of us will be missing. The doctors want to keep him until his due date. But it could be longer if his heart doesn’t heal like we expect it to.
I just want to fast forward until he is home, you know? Fast forward until I have my whole family together. I actually dreamt yesterday that we were all home and Pam was making the year’s first pot of chili. I woke up with a smile on my face. But that day isn’t far. Pam is actually saying she is going to sneak Ben out of the hospital under her shirt.
“No one will notice, right?” She jokes.
“Someone will notice.”
“If you think about it, I’m not stealing him.”
“You’re not?”
“No, I’m just taking something that is mine.”
“Right, you are right.”
“Exactly.”
I glanced at Pam, who was grinning broadly. She actually had a very elaborate plan that was more involved than placing Ben under her shirt. I’m afraid if I share it on this post the hospital security will be escorting us out tomorrow. . .
So, that’s it for now. I’ll be returning to work next week and I don’t know how often I’ll be able to update this. But thanks for reading and giving me an outlet to vent…. Vent fits better now.
Till next time,
Jim
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for reading... Are you guys still with me?
