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Life is the sum of all your choices. ~Albert Camus
Jim couldn’t sleep. He tossed and turned, not able to find a comfortable position. The night’s events played like a horror movie in his head. How could this have happened? What bothered him the most was the fact that his dad was right. How could he have known? Jim couldn’t accept it. He didn’t want to believe that Pam would do that to him. His dad had to be wrong. He made the first move. Not her. He asked her out to dinner. She never imposed herself on him, ever. Did he make a mistake? Did he fall in his dad’s trap? Or Pam’s?
To make matters worse, an innocent baby would be born out of this mess. Jim didn’t want that for his child, his own flesh and blood. How could he let that happen? The more he thought about it, the more miserable he got. And Pam…he still loved her. Everywhere he looked in his bedroom, a piece of her was there - her smell on his sheets, her night shirt draped over the chair, her hair brush was on his nightstand…
The next day Jim sat at work, staring at Pam’s empty reception desk - his thumbs moved around the perimeter of his palms as though they wanted to escape from his hands. It was very unlike her to be late or even miss work. This worried him; he wanted to talk to her. He needed to clear the air and maybe find middle ground. Despite everything, Jim was still very much in love with Pam. And even if her motives were as skewed as his dad said, he would do right by her and the child.
Just when the world was beginning to tighten its nose and the office air was suddenly getting really thin, the door opened and Pam walked into the office – her face ghostly pale, her eyes hollow and bloodshot. He could tell she hadn’t slept at all. She looked as though she’s was about to faint. Everything about her that morning broke Jim’s heart.
He waited for her to get settled. Time stood still then. Every minute was separated by infinity of seconds until the moment he shuffled his feet over to reception.
“Hey, we need to um…talk,” he whispered.
“I think you’ve made you point loud and clear,” Pam said, without lifting her eyes from the computer screen.
“C’mon, we need to talk.”
Pam exhaled audibly. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“I will do this right here if you want.” He said, trying to keep his voice even and calm, despite the whirlwind of emotion he felt churning inside him.
Pam looked around the office and finally locked eyes with him. “I’ll meet in the stairwell.”
“Thank you,” he said, drumming his fingers on her desk.
He left, feeling the eyes of his colleagues burning holes on his back. At the stairwell, Jim dug his finger to the back of his neck and began to pace around the stair’s landing, going through what he was going to tell her. He thought of confronting her, wanting to know her side of the story – why she tricked him into believing that she really loved him. Come to think of it, he didn’t want to know that. He didn’t want to hear that she played him, that she didn’t love him. It would be too much to bear.
He was going to keep all the emotions at bay. He couldn’t let the tidal wave of sentiment and stress come over him and send him reeling into a backwash of doubt and anguish. This was going to be about the baby.
Minutes later he heard the door to the stairwell screech open. Pam slowly climbed down the steps to where he was. She stood as far away from him as possible in the confinements of the small space.
“Look,” he began, “I just want to talk.”
She wasn't even looking at him; it was as if she wanted us to forget he was in there. “I have nothing to say to you.” Jim couldn’t help noticing how fidgety she was.
“If this child is mine, I will not run away from my responsibilities…..”
Pam rolled her eyes.
“….We would need to get a paternity test.”
Baffled, Pam said, “What?”
“It’s just standard proceedings.”
“Standard proceedings, Jim? Until yesterday you were in love with me. You said you wanted to marry me and now you’re talking about responsibilities and standard proceedings?”
“Pam, you did this. Don’t make this harder than it already is.”
“I’m making things harder? Me? Without any explanation you accuse me of trying to get your money?” She said wiping the tears forming in her eyes. “Can’t you see that this is your own doing? If you hadn’t lied from beginning, pretending to be someone you’re not, this wouldn’t have happened. I can understand you not telling Michael, but me?”
She began to leave but he seized her hand. “If this child is mine, my family will support it.”
She tugged her hand out of his grasp. “What happened to you? I don’t know you anymore.”
“This is just business.”
“Business?” She said incredulously. "Has this been all business to you?”
“Pam, you know that it’s not what I mean. I love you. What I feel for you is real. And if this child is mine, I’ll do right by you.”
“Why do you keep saying if this child is mine? Don’t you think if I wanted your precious money I would have made sure the baby was yours?”
“A-are you admitting you played me?”
“I didn’t play you.” She paused, watching at him. She walked up to him and cupped his cheeks. “Tell me what happened? Why are you questioning me?” Her expression was both, scared and pleadingly.
“My dad has proof, Pam,” he said, removing her hands from his cheeks.
“Who are you going to believe – me or the dad who up until yesterday was dead to you, huh?”
“Just tell me you didn’t. Tell me my dad is wrong.”
“If I have to tell you that, then...you clearly don’t know me.”
He cleared his throat. “My family will make sure the baby will be taken care of.”
Pam sighed and silence reigned between them. But Jim could hear volumes from her silence.
“Jim, there’s no baby,” she finally said.
Her words were a powerful blow to his stomach. His ears buzzed and he felt like he was about to lose his balance. “What do you mean there’s no baby?” His voice, previously cool, guarded - broke, and tears escaped from the back of his eyes.
“It’s exactly what you heard. I’m not pregnant.”
He blinked a few times and said through clenched teeth, “You lied to me?”
Her face churned with something he had yet to see—resentment? Disappointment. “No, I didn’t. I thought I was pregnant, but I’m not. I went to get the test results this morning and it was negative.” Pam wiped the tears away. “I’m not pregnant. I have the results in my purse; if you don’t believe me you can see it for yourself.”
Jim was silent. There was so much he wanted to say to her, but the words vaporized on his tongue. In Pam’s light eyes was a sadness that Jim wanted to undo; he wanted to take it all back and leave.
“So there, problem solved.”
Jim felt as if someone pulled his internal strings and lacerated every organ in his body. “Pam, I’m so—”
He reached for her, but she grudgingly inched away. “No, Jim. I can’t do this.”
As the words tumbled out of her mouth, he began to feel the burning sensation arise again in the back of his eyes. “Pam just… please?” he pleaded. “I’ll tell you everything. My dad said –”
“Jim, it’s over.” Her expression was so broken that he had a hard time looking into her eyes.
“Pam, I was wrong,” Jim said. His breath wedged in his throat like a wad of cotton and for a moment he had trouble breathing. “I know that now. It’s just…my dad said he had proof and—”
“Jim, you should have believed me.”
“Pam…” He said reaching for her.
She pulled away. “No, we’re done.” For a second Jim thought he heard the shattering stroke of her heart. But she turned away, quickly climbed up the steps, and exited through the door.
Jim was left alone with guilt circling through his veins. He became dizzy and utterly weak, as if his spine went limp and nerveless. He lost all sense of balance and slid down to the floor, collapsed in a puddle of despair. This sort of pain was just short of excruciating, knowing that he ruined the only thing that was real. How could’ve he let his dad manipulate him, yet again? How foolish could he be?
He took his phone from his pocket and dialed quickly. Gerry picked up on the first ring. “Jimmy, I almost didn’t believe my caller id. I wa—”
“You lied to me, dad,” Jim said with tears now rolling freely down his cheeks. “You lied and I believed you.”
“Jimmy, I didn’t lie. That girl is preg—”
“She’s not, dad. Pam isn’t pregnant.”
“Did she tell you that?”
“Yeah, she got the results this morning. It was negative,” he said raking his fingers through his hair. “Are you happy now?”
“Jimmy, you’re making a big deal out of this. There are other fish in the sea.”
“No, dad...”
“Jimmy—”
“Dad just…don’t. Forget I exist.” And with that he shut his phone off.
He didn’t talk to Pam the rest of the day. He thought he should give her some space, let her digest everything. He would try again tomorrow. But when tomorrow came, Pam didn’t come to work. He called her cell phone, her house, but she didn’t answer. After work he drove by her apartment, rang the doorbell, but nothing.
“C’mon Pam, I know you’re in there.”
Silence.
He imagined taking Pam by the shoulders and telling her, Babe, this is all a mistake, let’s move on and be happy. He thought of kissing her tears away and taking her inside her small apartment and reminding her of the Jim she fell in love with.
“We need to talk, please open the door,” he pleaded. “I was wrong. My parents… Let me explain everything, even if you don’t want to be with me anymore, I need to tell you the truth.”
Having her know the truth was important to him, even if she did choose to go her separate way. But nothing. No one ever came.
Defeated, he went out on the street and walked faster and faster until he was at his car. It was raining and the drops were like a slap on his face. He was drenched immediately. He drove home and went to his room and lay on his bed. He dialed Pam’s number one last time, but she didn’t pick up. He turned out the light, but didn’t sleep.
Pam didn’t return to work the rest of the week. Jim would stare at the empty reception desk and sadness would overcome him. Going on without Pam, cold turkey, was taking its toll on his sanity. It was taking its toll on everything, actually He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t eat, and life began to lose its meaning.
When he finally got the news that Pam had left Scranton and no one knew where she was, Jim decided he would leave too. There wasn’t a place in Scranton that didn’t remind him of her. Everything was tainted with Pam.
Needing to leave, but not wanting to return home to his parents, Jim took the assistant manager position in Stamford. Not because his dad had told him to, but because he couldn’t stay in Scranton anymore. Stamford would be an escape from everything Scranton stood for.
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for reading. Happy Office Thursday.
