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By Your Side
Chapter 5
There were so many moments in his life that he knew he would remember for the rest of his days. The first time he made a slam dunk to win a high school basketball game. The first time he held his niece. The day he picked up a guitar for the first time. All of those memories held in his heart, fondly recalled upon at random times. Over the past few years those memories took a back seat to all of the things that were wrapped up in three letters. Pam. During the five months he'd been away from her and away from the town he had driven back to on an impulse, he was able to erase the memories just dull enough to know they had been there, but were illegible to the naked eye. It was as if it were a dry erase board that had become overused; the colors and shapes embedded on the white surface, incapable of being ridden of completely.
The second he saw her walk down the steps with a mixed expression of happiness and incredulousness, his heart widened and the colors started becoming vivid again. He fought to keep them at bay, hiding his nervousness behind a smile as she stepped into his arms and hugged him.
As he held her they all came back one by one, reappearing through her scent, the sound of her voice and the touch of her hands at his waist. He began to feel again the way he had the day he met her, her extended hand and warm smile greeting him, pulling him in the instant he saw her. The day they spent at the park, a random Saturday with nothing to do, she had offered to meet him so they could devise a prank. The entire year he spent with her in her car, learning how to drive a stick shift, impressing even himself with the ability he had to play it off as though he had no idea what he was doing. He lived to hear her voice reprimand him, telling him that he needed to start paying attention.
His first night in Stamford he tried to purge all of it. All of the laughter and all of the tears, all of the joy she unknowingly brought to his life wound up in a virtual dumpster in the corner of his mind. Never in any of those memories did he have anything real. Even the kiss they shared the last time he saw her held no real value. He grappled with it, tried to assure himself time and again that it had. Eventually, he managed to convince himself that a kiss out of desperation could never be tangible.
If he had told anyone that he had driven this far of a distance to hug the woman who broke his heart into fragments that couldn't be placed back together, they would have sent him for help. As her hands released from his body and her eyes shined brightly at him, he fought the impulse he had to pull her back to him and kiss her. With a swallow of dry air he stepped back, placed his hands in his pockets and reminded himself that he lived in another state. They could only be friends and nothing more. He wondered what he was trying to accomplish then by driving all that way. The part of his mind that healed begged him right then and there as he stood in front of her to remember how difficult trying to get over her had been.
When she smiled widely at him and asked if he wanted to go for a walk, he shut off the aching part of his brain, begged himself to get a grip and let her lead the way.
“You sure you don’t want to go back in there?” He pointed over his shoulder as he walked a step behind her.
“Nope,” she shook her head, eyeing him sideways, her head turned toward the pavement. She turned toward him, her grin widening as she spoke. “I’d much rather spend time with you.”
He let out a breathy chuckle and bobbed his head as they walked a few more feet toward a bench on the outskirts of a park across from the school.
“Do you remember when we came here,” she started to ask.
“Yep. We would stretch our legs after my driving lessons and we’d always somehow wind up sitting here.”
“And I’d always say, because we didn’t just sit in the car for forty five minutes,” she spoke with a light, reminiscent tone.
He laughed and nodded. “You know, I could probably use a refresher course.”
Her eyebrows rose and she smiled weakly. “Yeah, maybe one day I’ll surprise you and drive to Stamford and give you another lesson.”
“That’s not a bad idea.”
She stared off into the distance, her lips parted, and a faraway look in her eyes. A small laugh escaped her opened mouth.
“What,” he asked.
“No, I um, I just can’t believe you’re here,” she shook her head, biting her bottom lip as she stared and picked at her fingernails.
“So,” he said, feeling her nervousness exuding from her. He bumped his shoulder into hers. “Want to hear something cool that I did over the summer?”
Her face brightened and she smiled instantly, turning her head to look at him. “Obviously.”
“Okay, brace yourself.”
“Braced,” she joked, straightening her posture.
“I saw the Blue Angels. Live and in person.”
“Get out of here. The fighter planes from the Navy that you always talked about?”
“Yep,” he said with widened eyes and a nod. “It was so cool. At first the sound of the jets is so overwhelming. But as the show goes on, you get used to it. They’re perfect, all flying in synch with one another. It’s really amazing. I met one of the pilots; he was the most awesome guy. Shook my hand and we started talking about the Eagles.”
“Wait, what about the Eagles?”
“Oh, because I was wearing an Eagles hat, he asked me what I was doing in Connecticut. Turned out he was from Philly originally. It was awesome. My niece loved it.”
“Vanessa went to go see acrobatic fighter planes?”
“Yeah, she begged my brother to take her, because it was just going to be me, Pete, Tom and my dad. But she got insulted and my mom made us take her.”
“That’s so cool,” she let out a breath and looked at him in awe. “Did I ever tell you about the time I saw the man in black?”
“The who?”
“Haven’t you heard of him?”
“Do you mean that old wives tale about the ghost thing at that bar pub place?
“That’s the one. I was working there and I totally saw his ghost.”
“No. Come on. It’s not real,” he balked. “I think every guy in their early twenties tells a girl that so he can get her to hold onto his arm tighter or something.”
She shook her head quickly, her voice pinched as she widened her eyes. “He’s real. I swear.”
He smiled as she told her story, having heard it from several people before, still not believing a word of it. He watched her move her hands as she spoke, listened to the tone of her voice as it grew more excited. When she finished, she smiled proudly and nodded, raising and lowering her eyebrows.
He shrugged his shoulders and laughed, licking his lips as he shook his head. “I’ll take your word for it there, Pam.”
“One day you have to come back there with me. You’ll see.”
“Okay, let’s do it,” he agreed, letting out a breath, stretching his legs slightly in front of him.
She waggled her eyebrows again and grinned, her full set of teeth almost in complete view.
He swallowed and allowed an easy grin to work its way onto his face. He shifted himself slowly, slightly to his right, until his right arm brushed against hers. Her reaction was instant, and a second later he felt the weight of her arm press against his.
They sat quietly, staring at their hands, crickets chirping in the grass and the sound of cars passing by filling the gap in conversation.
She leaned further into him, turned her chin upward to the sky and inhaled. “I guess this is one of the last warm nights before we get hit with winter.”
“Yep. Summer is definitely almost over,” he agreed.
“Yeah. Did I tell you? For the fourth of July I went to Niagara Falls and watched the fireworks from there.”
“Wow.”
She smiled proudly. “I went by myself, stayed overnight too. It was pretty amazing.”
“Wow,” he repeated, letting out a breath. “You know, I have nothing that tops that.”
“It’s a highlight of the summer. That and I fixed the leaky faucet in my bathroom. Oh, and I took out my air conditioner and sealed the windows a few weeks ago.”
“Look at you,” he peered at her with a grin. “Taking art classes, fixing things, seeing one of the wonders of the world. You’re living it up.”
“Yeah,” she shook her head, plucking at a piece of lint on her jeans.
“I can’t believe you went to Niagara Falls by yourself. That’s…,” he ran his hand over his mouth. “Wow. I’m really impressed.”
“Thanks,” she said quietly. “I sort of needed to just get away and clear my head. So. It was nice.”
“I’ve always wanted to see it.”
“Yeah, right.”
“I’m serious,” he said adamantly.
“Come on, it’s probably the kitschiest thing ever. You’re not a cheesy person.”
“You don’t know me very well then, Pam.”
“Yes I do, I know you’re lying,” she said teasingly.
“I’d never lie about that.”
She smirked and shook her head. “Mm-hmm,” she hummed disbelievingly.
“I’d never lie to you, Pam,” his voice low and serious as he stared at her.
She bit her lip and stared at him for a moment, her face falling into a frown.
“Well, now you have to tell me why you just made the saddest face I’ve ever seen,” he prodded.
“Nah, it’s nothing,” she shrugged.
“It’s something.
“No, trust me. It’s nothing.”
“Please?”
She rolled her eyes and let out a snort. “It’s not a big deal.”
“Okay, Pam. I … I know we aren’t so great at talking about things. Maybe we should start,” he admitted, seizing the first chance he found to nudge her to something more than superficiality.
“It’s okay,” she tried to deflect.
“I’ll sit here all night until you tell me.”
She smirked again, blinking her eyes slowly before she spoke. “Fine,” she relented, rolling her eyes at him again. “It’s just something I’ve been wondering since you said it.”
“What,” he asked, holding back exasperation and fending off the urge to insert a joke to lighten the air around them.
She sighed, relenting. “You… you meant it when you said nothing’s changed?”
He nodded, took a deep breath and said, “Yeah.”
“Okay,” she shook her head again slowly.
“Why?”
She sighed. “I’m … I’m trying to figure out how.”
“How what,” he asked gently.
She spoke calmly, almost in a whisper when she said, “I’m… trying to figure out how I can forgive someone who said what you said to me and then just leaves without saying goodbye.”
He should have seen it coming, he told himself as he hung his head. “I asked for it.”
“Yeah,” she turned her head toward him, a small knowing smile traced on her lips.
“I … had to leave. I didn’t want to be here anymore.”
She nodded, frowning and biting her bottom lip. “I get that. I know you did what you thought you had to do, I respect your decision,” she spoke slowly, enunciating each syllable as if it were the first time she had admitted it to herself. “I just … I thought we were friends, you know?”
“We were,” he agreed.
“I know. We were,” she inhaled and puckered her bottom lip before she said, “I … I called off my wedding because of what you said to me. I … then I realized afterward that I’d never see you again. And it … it would have been nice if we could have said goodbye.”
“I … Pam saying goodbye to you would have been the hardest thing I would have ever had to do. I couldn’t put myself through it.”
She faced him slowly; tears glistened in her eyes as she breathed. She tilted her head. Before he could realize what happened, her head rested on his shoulder. He closed his eyes when he felt her reach for his hand.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Me too.”
“I’m really going to miss you.”
“Why?”
“We aren’t best friends anymore,” she said in a small voice. “You live there, I live here.”
“Well. We can try to get back there,” he tilted his head, his cheek lightly resting on her head.
“Can we?”
“I think so.”
“Okay,” she agreed, adjusting her head on his shoulder. She took his hand into hers, squeezing his fingers lightly. “I’m still mad at you.”
He smiled to himself and stared at the moon as her finger tips grazed over his hand. “Yeah, I can tell.”
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Chapter End Notes:
Hope you're still enjoying this story. Thanks for reading, thanks so much for the kind reviews. And special thanks to Sally for nudging me to get back to writing it. :) More soon!
