“You’re really going to marry him?” I ask breathing heavily, scared I already know the answer. Pam shook her head as we kept staring at each other. Holding each other, never wanting to let go…or at least I didn’t.
“Okay” I said in a slight whisper.
Our hands were still intertwined together like some magic connection. She didn't make an effort to let go yet, but I had to, or else I would try and kiss her again. I moved my hands ever so slowly from hers; loving the feel of her soft skin against mine. She slightly squeezed my hand before letting it go, as if she were giving me a comforting hug. My first instinct is to stop feeling sorry for myself and believe that there was still hope. The reality is, there was none.
I turn around and head towards the door, it takes everything in me not to look back as I open the door and walk to the stairwell. If I looked back, I would have said much more than I did. I would’ve asked why she wanted to be with Roy, why she would want someone who treats her like complete shit compared to her best friend; someone who was always there when Roy wasn’t. I know questioning her would only make her even more upset or angry, so it was best that I didn’t look back.
I made it to the end of the stairs as I saw Kelly and Ryan walking up.
“Oh, good Jim you’re here!” Kelly said as she grabbed Ryan’s hand swaying it back and forth. He was not enthused, and quite frankly I’m not either.
“Tell Ryan that the girl Katy you dated was a cheerleader at Roy’s old High School, because he didn't think she was” Kelly rolled her eyes at Ryan with a smirk on her face.
Roy…the name sent him into a bad mood.
“I’m just saying she didn’t really seem like a cheerleader” Ryan said letting go of Kelly’s hand and crossed his.
“Ryan, you are such an-”
“Kelly, I really don't care about this right now I uh- I have to get home” I interrupt for what was going to probably turn out to be an hour long conversation.
“Wait Jim!” Kelly yelled.
I was already out the door and heading to my car. I can’t deal with this right now; I can’t be here when Pam comes out to her car…which could be any second now. I opened the car door and sat, turning it on and trying to warm up. I turned out of Dunder Mifflin trying to gather the thoughts going on in my head. I got to a stop light, and gripped the steering wheel from a different angle, using my other hand to rest my head against the window. I kissed her. I kissed the love of my life. I kissed her at my desk. Pam was at my desk talking to what I assume was her mom. I brought my fingers to my hair and ruffled it back. I didn’t know I could feel this way. I feel so hurt, so incredibly hurt by the woman I love most in this world, but yet there is a small part of me that is glad. Glad that I took my chance and kissed her, but knowing there is nothing I can do about it now except move on sends pain through every part of my body. How could she not know I was in love with her, how could she even begin to say that I “misinterpreted” things. How could she not feel it?
The red light changed to green and I kept driving, I decide to turn on the radio and listen to some music to try and take my mind of things, even though it seems impossible. I hear the first few notes of the piano in the song “Boston” By Augustana. I tried my best to keep my shit together. I really wouldn’t want the doc crew to even know about this whole thing.
“I think I’ll go to Boston, I think I’ll start a new life, I’ll think I’ll start it over, where no one knows my name”
Those words played over and over again in my head as I pulled into my driveway. That’s what I need. The job in Stamford was the perfect excuse for getting out of there; to leave behind Scranton, and all the unpleasant memories.
I walked in the house to see Mark sitting on the couch while his friends (who I never really bothered to learn the name of) played beer pong. A light haired man was chest bumping the others as if he was celebrating something. Let’s see…Dan? Larry?
“Jim, man, you missed it. Sam th-”
“Yeah I’m sure it was great” I blurted out. I just really don't feel like listening to any bullshit.
“Man, are you alright?” Mark asked while following me into the kitchen. I opened the fridge grabbing a beer not caring what kind it was, I had some drinks earlier during Casino Night, but I just needed more to numb my pain.
“Yep” I lie quickly, taking a sip of my beer.
“Okay” he said shrugging his shoulders and grabbing some chips, then headed back to the other room.
“Hey…just before you get too drunk to remember, I’m going to take that job in Stamford…I get more benefits, and my salary is more…it just makes since, so I’m going to be moving out” I pause waiting for him to say something. I take a sip of my beer.
He looks at me oddly and leaned against the door frame “Have you talked to Pam about this? She’s your best friend, I'm sure she’ll miss you…and didn’t you have like a small crush on her?”
I sigh; I just can’t escape Pam, no matter where I am in Scranton. “That was a while ago, besides I'm pretty sure she couldn't give a single f-”
“Woah…okay man chill” He said right when Sam enters the room
“Mark, the guys want to go to Poor Richards…you good to go?” Sam asked
He stood there for a second debating whether he wanted to antagonize me more or go to Poor Richards. In the end, he decided with Poor Richards and asked me if I wanted to come, I declined and went upstairs to my room. I sat at the desk in my room and looked at the clock which read 10:21p.m. I sighed and decided that in the morning I will call Jan and tell her I’ll take the job in Stamford. Maybe I could start by Tuesday if I was lucky. I put my hands on my face and slid them down slowly. It has been such a long day, all I really want is to take a long shower and go to bed. Who was I kidding; all I really wanted was one thing, and that one thing I was never going to have. I can’t wrap my head around it.
While in the shower my mind only went to Pam. I wondered how she was feeling right now, or maybe how she was probably sitting on her couch with her hair up and her glasses on, drinking her tea and watching one of the crime shows she’s been telling me about for the past week. For the first time tonight I smile while thinking about how beautiful she probably looks with her eyebrows slightly raised and looking very attentive to the show. God I could stare at her for hours, just watching her breathe and talk on the phone to whatever customer Michael had pissed off that day. She always has this very concerned look on her face for the customer, pitying them because they had to deal with the infamous Michael Scott; it was one of my favorite things to watch her do. Before long, I had a situation that I couldn't control, just the thought of Pam gets me hot, and I couldn't help but think of her while I did it…Pam…the love of my life…who was never going to be mine.
After taking care of things, I wrapped a towel around my waist, and walked up the hall to my room. I opened the drawer to get my clothes out when I noticed a small envelope I had stuffed into my dresser drawer. It had read Pam on the back of it. I felt myself tense up as I remember writing this note that I ended up not giving to Pam to go with her teapot. It feels like I’m underwater, and someone is holding my head under so I can’t come up to breathe, but yet I’m not drowning, all I feel is the pain of not being able to breathe and being stuck in the moment of having no air, I’m waiting for something to happen, whether it be drowning or being able to come up to breathe.
I grabbed the envelope and threw it in the trash. “Why should I care about this so much” I yelled to myself, trying to believe I didn’t care anymore. Who was I trying to fool? I sat down on my bed and rested my elbows on my knees while my hands supported my head. “Fuck” I angrily ran my fingers through my hair, the booze in my body still present and giving me a slight dazed feel. I quickly ran over to the trash can and picked up the envelope sitting it back in my drawer. The memory of how she feels in my arms, how her kiss felt on my lips, how her hands held mine so tightly. I will never be able to let this go.
