Pam’s half hour on the computer sped by quickly. She was…inundated was probably the right word. Flooded. Overwhelmed by what she was seeing. Jim looking at her, adoration in his eyes. Jim grimacing whenever Roy was mentioned. Jim for days. Jim was probably in love with her. Definitely in love with her. She really couldn’t deny it at this point.

But, if she was honest with herself, she kind of knew that. Or at least, it hardly came as a shock. She’d had moments before when she thought he might…she was very sure on that first day at Cugino’s that he thought it was a date…she was certain when he called their time on the rooftop a “first date” (though, she couldn’t help but thinking, he was totally wrong—it was at least their second…possibly more judging by these pictures she was seeing).

No, what scared her was not Jim looking at her. What scared her was herself looking at Jim. There were almost as many pictures of her stealing glances at him—her falling asleep on his shoulder—her grinning at him so wide she wasn’t sure she even had that many teeth—her blushing. Blushing blushing blushing. She didn’t think of herself as someone who blushed easily, but there she was, blushing all the time at the office.

Maybe that was the problem, she thought. She didn’t think of herself, full stop. Maybe a more introspective woman would have realized this whole mess earlier. Maybe a more introspective woman would have told herself to cut it out, that she was engaged, that outsourcing her daily happiness in a confidante (a male, highly attractive confidant) who was not her boyfriend was not the ideal solution to her discontents. But she was not a more introspective woman. So she did what she always did when she was worried. She called her mom.

“Hi, Mom.”

“Pam! Darling, how good to hear from you. How are you?”

“…I’m…actually, Mom, can I talk to you about something?”

“Always, dear.”

“Well, I’m at the public library now…”

“Pam, you know you shouldn’t talk in the library, people are trying to read!”

“Mom, it’s OK, I stepped out into the hall. Anyway, I’m in the library and I just looked up…well, the details don’t matter, but I found myself looking at all these pictures of…well, of Jim and me…”

“Which ones?”

“Um…pictures from the show, I guess…lots of them.”

“I know, honey. Which ones? The one when I came to visit the office is my favorite, but I think you might be partial to the one where you fall asleep on his shoulder. He just looks so happy, doesn’t he?”

“…you knew?”

“Of course dear! Aunt Marge sends me all the DVDs, you know, since we can’t get them here. She’s quite taken with your Jim, you know, says if she were twenty years younger”

“MOM! You knew and you didn’t tell me?”

“Dear, you told me not to tell you anything the relatives found out about the show! You said you didn’t want to know, wanted to pretend the cameras didn’t exist.”

“I know, but…MOOOOOM.”

“Well, it’s not like I didn’t try to hint at it. I haven’t been asking about Jim each time we speak since I met him for my own health you know! Though I suppose you haven’t noticed since you tend to bring him up on your own before I get a word in edgewise nowadays…”

“Mom, I’m engaged to Roy! I’m going to be married soon.”

“Are you, dear?”

“MOM.”

Pam hung up the phone. That was probably the first time she’d ever called home and ended up less composed than when she started. She slumped against the wall, sliding down to sit on the floor outside the main room of the library. Even her mother knew. Everyone knew. Except, apparently, her.

But what did they know? Obviously, everyone knew about Jim’s feelings for her. The cameramen certainly did, and if they did, well, everyone did now. But what about hers for him? Those were just as clear on the film—frankly, clearer there than anywhere else. What did she think of him? Just the thought brought back an image of last night…of shopping together, giggling and laughing, and of watching veeeeeery carefully to see a little bit of ab and hair peek out the bottom of that stained t-shirt. Then she remembers her embarrassment when she mentioned “interoffice romance” to Jim.

Oh.

Right.

“That might not just have been altruistic embarrassment, hmmm Pam?” she wonders to herself. Just so embarrassed for Jim. So worried about his feelings. Nothing to do with yours, hm? No personally applicable reason why you shouldn’t say the words “office romance” to James Duncan Halpert? No reason you’re still teasing him about dating a cheerleader? Doesn’t bother you, no, just embarrassment for him…

“Shut up brain,” she mutters to herself. “Shut up.”

She needs time to think. Hard. But Roy’s going to be home soon (well, he should, another corner of her brain pipes up. Never heard that one before). And she needs to be careful about this (why? another part of her murmurs. If you don’t want Jim, why do you need to be careful here?). She can’t tell Roy (tell him what?). She needs to think. Maybe coffee will help.

She’s about to head out to Dunkin Donuts when her phone buzzes twice:

Mom: you must be near a computer that lets you search freely

Mom: look up his reaction to the graphic arts internship

She is this. close. to continuing to the car and taking time to think. But her feet are already moving and she’s sitting in front of the computer and logging back in.

Half an hour later she logs in for a third session too.