“Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.”

“Hi, I’m calling about a shipment that was supposed to arrive yesterday.”

“May I ask who’s calling?”

“This is Aaron Schulter from the Lackawanna County office.”

“Give me one moment, Mr Schulter. I’ll transfer you to customer relations.”

She focuses on pressing each of the buttons slowly and precisely. The fluorescent lights make it easy to concentrate, but her hand keeps slipping and it is a moment before Kelly’s voice is in her ear.

“This is Kelly.”

“Hey, Kelly, I’ve got an Aaron Schulter from the Lackawanna County office about a late shipment.” A pen has found its way into her hand and she is doodling on a piece of paper sticking out from under her keyboard.

“Ugh, not again. Tell Phyllis she needs to communicate, Pam.”

“Oh, uh--”

“Not now, Pam. Put him through.”

She patches Aaron Schulter from the Lackawanna County office through, places the phone back onto the receiver, puts her head in her hands. Her body aches and she isn’t sure why. Her eyes are screaming from a lack of sleep. She thinks it wouldn’t be so bad if she just stayed like this for a while, her head in her hands, her eyes closed, the phone silent.

“That bad?”

Her head snaps up. She is caught. She looks to the door, to the person who made the remark. And she finds Roy, Roy with a beard and a coat over his arm and a smile on his lips. Her left hand tingles, feels weightless, feels naked. She hides her hands in her lap.

“What are you doing here?” She doesn’t mean it as an accusation but it comes out like one.

“Just thought I’d grab a soda.” He shrugs. “It’s not too bad up here.” He glances around the bullpen but his eyes are not really seeing anything. He turns back to her and his gaze is firm. “You look like you need a break. C’mon, let’s grab a drink.”

She doesn’t know why she stands to follow him. She doesn’t know why she avoids looking at Jim as they cross the room. She doesn’t know why she is relieved the break room is empty, or that there’s no grape soda available. She pushes her coins into the machine, makes her selection, fishes it out blindly. Opens the can, takes a swig. Risks a glance at Roy.

“So, how have you been, Pam?” He asks, looking at her instead of the beverages he is supposed to be choosing from. His eyes narrow as he takes her in. “You don’t look too good.”

“Thanks.” She rolls her eyes. She is joking. Joking with Roy. “I’ve just had trouble sleeping for a while. New apartment, I guess.”

“Right.” He looks away from her to snatch up his can from the vending machine. Leans against it to look at her. “I hope you’re taking care of yourself.”

“I am.” She nods. Confirms it to herself. “It certainly is nice to not have to think about lunch for the next five weeks.” Her joke falls flat. He shrinks a little. “And it’s not like this job is demanding, so...”

She fiddles with the ring on her can until she accidentally rips it off. She takes another sip to avoid having to say anything. Roy does the same. The break room fills with their silence and their tension, fills to bursting. She thinks she should move but she doesn’t. Can’t.

“And what about you?” She asks, making an awkward gesture in his direction. “How have you been?”

“Good,” he says immediately with an emphatic nod. He doesn’t smile. “I’ve been really good. Thanks. Just been, you know, working out, working here, working on my beard.” He smiles now. She returns it.

“Looks like you’ve got a long way to go,” she teases, and it is out before she realises that it feels weird to be joking like this with him. That she shouldn’t be. He doesn’t notice, just feigns offence with a dramatic hand to his chest.

“This is a month of growth, Pam. I thought you’d be impressed.” And he looks at her and she realises he means it, that she should be impressed by his ability to make hair protrude from the follicles on his face. She is only surprised more by the fact that he even tried to impress her. The last time she remembers him putting in any effort at all was in high school.

“It’s going to take more than some weird half-grown beard to impress me.” She tries to lighten the air, tries to joke with him.

“I know.” And his reply is serious.

“Well, I should probably be getting back.” He has held her eyes for too long. “Thanks for making me take a break.” She gives him a small smile. Nothing more.

“Any time.” He steps around her. She can smell his deodorant. She wants to cry. “Hey, Pam?” He turns in the doorway as she prepares to follow him out. “I’m sorry.”

She waits for more. He waits, too, but for what she isn’t sure. He looks at the ground, looks at the soda in his hands. Flashes a smile before fleeing to the bullpen. She was going to follow him and sit at her desk and answer phones and count down the hours until she can leave, but now she finds herself unable to move. Unable to make a decision.

“Was that Roy I just saw leaving the office? Honestly didn’t think I’d see him again any time soon.”

“Jim...” She can see through the window as Kelly shakes her head, points in her direction. She can see Jim’s face as he rounds the corner and fills the space where Roy was moments before. Fills the room. Fills her. She wonders what is worse, talking to her ex alone in the break room or talking to Jim knowing Kelly is eavesdropping.

“Don’t ask.” She rolls her eyes, joking, just like she did with Roy.

“Why not?” His voice is hard, it is not Jim. She can hear him juggle the change in his pocket.

“I don’t have time for this, Jim.” She tries to move past him but he is all she can see and he is all around her and he is not letting her go. She steps back, dares herself to look him in the eyes.

“You need to make time, Pam.” His other hand finds its way into his other pocket. She wonders how she has never seen his jaw clench like this before.

“I’m fine with my choices.” Is she saying that to him or herself?

“You are? Because I think something’s wrong here, and I think it’s about time you figured out what it was.”

“This is none of your business,” she snaps and knows it’s a lie.

“You said we’d always be friends, Pam. And friends make stuff like this their business.”

“I didn’t ask you to do that.” She feels her nose tingle with the threat of tears. “I never asked you to get involved.”

“You made me get involved! I’ve been involved since the moment I met you!” His voice is loud and his face is red. His hands are still in his pockets. She wonders if he is holding them in fists.

“That’s not what this is about.” Another lie. “This is about me and Roy.” She tries to sound firm but her voice is shaking. Her soda is going warm in her hands. “This isn’t about you and your stupid crush.” She almost doesn’t regret the words, but then his jaw slackens and his face closes.

“Really, Beesly?”

They are both silent for a moment.

“I thought you’d sort of started seeing someone.” She throws the sentence at him. “What does she think of you ‘making this your business’?”

“That’s irrelevant.”

“Is it? Don’t think I’d be in here with Roy if it was.” She flinches. Watches his face. Feels the weight of the words on her tongue and feels them settle on her skin. Watches them get swallowed up in the space between them. She runs her nail against the rim of her soda can while he analyses her face. She is afraid that if she looks away he will see the truth there on her face. She is afraid that by holding his gaze she is giving him something else.

“Why did you come over last night?” His voice is soft now. He is Jim.

“I think we’ve been through this enough.”

“Pam--”

“No.” She stuns both of them. Her chest is warm and she can feel her pulse in every part of her body. “You’ve sort of started seeing someone, and I guess I have, too.” He doesn’t need to know this was her first conversation with Roy in weeks. “Those are the facts. That’s how it is.”

“So that’s it? We just live across the hall from each other watching Karen and Roy float in and out of our apartments until one of us moves?”

“I don’t want to do this anymore, Jim.” The can in her hand turns blurry. She fights back a sniffle. “You changed in Stamford, and I had to change, too. I can’t keep fighting to fit around you. I won’t do that again.” She will not let Jim ever remind her of Roy. She is certain of that.

“I haven’t changed.” He is trying to argue with her but she is barely paying attention anymore. All she can see is a blurry mess of red and white that she is trying to wade through. All she can feel is the can in her hand. “I’m still me.”

“Then why isn’t it easy to be around you anymore?”

He closes his eyes. Breathes deeply. When he reaches for her his hand is shaking. But she moves around him and he lets her go this time. Lets her be somewhere where it is easier, somewhere that he isn’t. And when she gets to her desk and sees his jacket slung over his chair she remembers that nowhere is easy, nowhere is free from him. She carries him with her like an infection, like a disease of the brain and the blood and the heart. She has barely known this office without him. He has contaminated her desk, her keyboard, her jellybeans, her hand, her hair, her fax machine, her shredder, her lips. And as long as there is a someone hanging between them, she knows she will feel his sting all over her life.

There is a note on her keyboard in handwriting she needs a moment to recognise. She can see it on her high school notebooks, passed on folded scraps of paper, scrawled across hastily remembered cards. And here it is now, asking her to meet him in the warehouse after work. Asking her if she needs a drink. Poking and prodding her with that single R in the bottom right-hand corner.

She is angry and blind and tears the paper from her keyboard. But as she holds it in her hand and uses the injured part of her heart to think for her, she decides that she will say yes.