"So are you going?"

Jim snapped up to see Andy peering over his computer screen, and Ryan was staring at him strangely. Suddenly he realized he was back at his desk, and it was 5:30 already. When the fuck did he walk back to his desk? He could only remember standing in the break room, clutching the counter for life as his heart dropped in his stomach. He glanced at Ryan awkwardly and then Andy, obviously confused and not there at all.

"What?"

"Are you going?" Andy stated again, his eyes narrowing.

Jim cleared his throat. "I don't-I don't understand the question."

Ryan looked at him and with pity, interjected, "Remember Jim, Josh came back from corporate early and invited everyone to a bar and grill for drinks. We uh...we asked you in the break room."

Jim nodded slowly, not remembering that at all, all he could see was Pam standing in front of him, her eyes watering, lip quivering. "Oh...uh...yeah. Whatever."

Andy turned back around and Jim put his face in his hands.

Discreetly, Ryan asked. "You alright man?"

Jim kept his hands over his face. "No. No I'm not."

Ryan didn't say anything instead he turned back to focus on the spreadsheet Jim had him doing.  He must have been completely out of it because the last he knew, Pam had just jetted into the bathroom. He wondered if she was back at reception, because there was no way he would let everything just end the way it did. In lashing out at her, he hurt her, and that was something he never wanted to do. He hated Roy for stomping all over Pam's feelings for years, and here he was, doing it himself.

And though part of him agreed she made the situation worse by staying in that deep denial, Jim realized he was guilty of the same thing these last few months. He had denied to himself he still loved her, that he needed her.

Jim dropped his hands and looked over at Ryan. He had to get himself together, at least while at work. Because right now functioning on auto pilot was not a good idea. He was prone to curl up in a ball and cry if he didn't get his emotions in check.

So he took a deep breath and gave himself the old Halpert try. "Uh hey Andy...where's Michael?"

Andy turned around. "He uh...he's in Josh's office. Geez Halpert, did you black out? Didn't you see him start doing impersonations of Hitler...which by the way impressed me in a totally non-prejudice way. Josh apparently didn't like it, and now Jan's here and we all know how that goes. They just won't cut the guy a break."

Jim went to reply when Dwight popped up next to his desk. Jim observed his round red face.

"He doesn't need your support, Andrew." Dwight snapped. Jim gave way to a small smile, seeing Dwight completely jealous of Andy's budding friendship with Michael.

Andy gave a smirk. "I'm sorry. Who are you again? Dwayne, right?"

"Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager." Dwight hissed.

Andy shook his head. "No, you aren't."

Dwight nodded more violently. "Yes I am. Tell him Jim."

Jim glanced over at Ryan, who rolled his eyes at it all. Now see, Jim was in a hard place. Digs at Dwight or digs at Andy. Wow, such a hard decision.

"Well...assistant to the regional manager...but still..." he said simply, causing Dwight to get redder. Andy smirked and Jim went in for the kill. "Still a step above you, Andy."

Andy slapped his hands on his desk and jumped up. "He is NOT my superior!"

He stomped off and Dwight glanced softly at Jim. "Carry on with your training."

Jim nodded. "Uh...thanks, Dwayne."

Dwight frowned and went back to sit near a pissed off Karen.

That was a good distraction for the end of the day. Jim took that energy to gather his coat and walk with Ryan to the elevator.

He fought hard to not look over to reception, but he wanted to...badly. He lost that fight when he turned his head to see Hannah sitting at her desk, logging off the phones. He didn't see Pam. Jim began to sweat, was she still crying in the bathroom? What kind of monster was he, that he made her hide in there all afternoon? Ryan stepped in the open elevator and Jim told him he'd see him at the bar. Briskly he was at Hannah's counter.

"Hey Hannah. Um...are you going with us tonight?"

Hannah shrugged her shoulders. "Probably not. My kid's got a cold. You?"

Jim nodded and scanned Hannah's desk for any sign that Pam was still here, no pink coat, no little sketches...nothing.

"Uh hey, Hannah, what happened to your shadow?"

Hannah looked confused at first and then she bit her lip. "Oh yeah... Pam. I think that's her name. Oh well, she got sick earlier and went home. She was all red and weepy. I think there's a bug going around. Hey, weren't you sick all last week?"

Jim was too busy kicking himself mentally to answer her. He walked backwards away from the counter and stepped onto the empty waiting elevator. He was an asshole of universal proportions. And now Pam was running again, all because as usual, Jim felt the need to share. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

He walked melancholy to his car, and threw his bag inside with a bit too much force and then got in. He could drive over to the Super 8, and try to talk to her, but maybe he had already said too much.

So instead he drove to the bar and grill where his other co workers were waiting. He got out, slammed his door and walked, hearing laughter and cheer. Fuck them. When was the last time he truly laughed or felt good? He couldn't remember. And he envied anyone else who did. He used to joke all the time, because to him, life was funny. And then he met Pam, and she laughed with him. And now all either of them did these days was cry. He spotted Ryan and Karen sitting at the bar, watching Josh, Michael, Dwight, and Andy play pool. Angela stood on the other side, her eyes intensely on Dwight.

Jim gave a small wave and settled in a seat a bit down from everyone else, just wanting to drown in his own misery tonight. He summoned the bartender and asked for a whiskey sour. While he waited, he pulled a bowl of shelled peanuts towards him, and focused on his pathetic reflection in the mirror behind the bar. He looked skinner than his days in Scranton, and truth be told, he honestly didn't eat very well. A pizza here or there, a tuna sandwich when he couldn't take the growling of his stomach anymore. He used to like to grill in Scranton, but firing up the BBQ here only gave him memories of Pam at his house, in his room. So he poured water on the hot coals and went inside to order pizza...again. Funny how even simple things like that were associated with her.

Karen walked up, sipping on some girly drink. "Why do you look so glum lately?"

Jim picked at a peanut shell, concentrating a little too hard as he cracked it open. "Do I?"

"Yeah, did someone run over your dog?"

Jim cracked a smile. "Fluffy is fine, thank you."

"You don't even have a dog, do you?" Karen chuckled, Jim could see the alcohol was getting to her.

"Nope."

"So...what's going on?"

Jim shook his head and grabbed a few more shells. "Nothing."

"You slept with Pam." Karen said simply and Jim choked. She hid her smirk by sipping on her drink.

"Wh-what?! No!"

Jim was flustered and he hated having her stare at him. "But she's the reason you left Scranton."

Jim didn't look at Karen, knowing his expressive eyes would betray him. "I left Scranton because I wanted something new. And I got it. Okay?"

"She was in the bathroom crying. I saw her."

Jim closed his eyes but didn't turn to Karen. "She must have been sick. That's been going around."

Karen's eyes were burning in his skull and he briefly thought of leaving the bar all together. But she just sipped her drink and walked away saying, "Keep telling yourself that."

Jim muttered to himself and grabbed his whiskey sour before the bartender could even place it on a napkin. "Can I have another? Thanks."

The liquid had burned his throat but he needed that because it made him know he was a live and not in hell somewhere. He stared back to his reflection, and wondered briefly if on the other side of that mirror, Alterna-Jim was happy.

He felt someone walk up and sit slowly in the seat next to him, and his eyes shifted to her reflection in the mirror. She was staring back even more intensely.

Pam.

And for a minute Jim wondered had he lost his mind and conjured up her image, but hearing her clear her throat and order a beer made him drop that theory. Her reflection was staring at him, and he tried to keep his composure by cracking the shell peanuts in front of him.

She bit her bottom lip, never wavering in her glare. The mirror served two purposes, they could look at each other, without honestly looking at each other.

"Jim."

He dropped his eyes and cracked open another shell. Maybe if he was quiet, she'd go away. No. No time to be a little girl about things. Finish this.

"Pam."

She thanked the bartender as he set down her beer and refocused her eyes back on the mirror. He tried to act as if he was concentrating on breaking the shells but he was taking in her features and it made him breathless.

"You have no idea..." she started and all he could do was flash back to Casino Night.

You have no idea what your friendship means to me. It all flashed in his mind again.

Fuck that. He didn't want to hear it.

"Don't. Okay. It's never going to be the same." Jim said softly, fingers trembling.

She sipped her beer and nodded. "I never said I wanted it to be."

His resolve was weakening. He bit into the peanut shell and it felt like everyone else fade out in the background. Now it was just him and her and the mirror.

"What do you want then?" He said, his tone low.

Pam blinked in rapid succession. "I want-I-I..."

Jim saw her stuttering, she was trying to throw out the most ambivalent response she could but it was catching in her throat. So he pushed more. "What.do.you.want?"

The words came out slow and even and his eyes fixed on her face when she sat straight up, gaping at him.

"I-I want...I want to...I..."

Jim shook his head. This wasn't working. She was getting flustered and she just wouldn't say it. Suddenly the background noise assaulted his ears and he knew they weren't really alone. It was always something stopping them from being that way. And it was mostly their own faults..

He sighed and went to get up. Pam got antsy and reached out her hand, grabbing his elbow.

"I want to apologize." She whispered.

He thought about yanking his elbow away, he didn't want her gotdamned apology, he wanted her and if she couldn't give him that, maybe it was best for him to leave her alone all together. "You don't have to. You did what you had to do."

Pam gripped his elbow tighter. "No. I didn't. I did what I thought had to be done for everyone else but me. Do you know me at all Jim? Do you think I would kiss you for no reason?"

Jim's eyes darkened. "I don't know what you're capable of. Maybe before I thought I did, but I don't now."

Pam let his insult hit her, and he could see it stung her badly. But her grip remained on his elbow. She opened and shut her mouth with no words, before focusing again. "I-I didn't know what to do then. Can you understand I had resigned myself that Roy was my life. Ten years, Jim. Was I supposed to just jump up, and pack one neat little suitcase and come live with you? My life was entangled with Roy and I had to sort out what that meant."

"So why didn't you just say that? You said with such conviction you would marry him." Jim stammered out, his own emotions betraying him. He could sense Ryan and Michael staring at the scene, and Karen probably was too. But she wouldn't let him flee, her grip was tight.

"Stop running." Pam said in a harsh hiss as she felt him try to pull away.

With that Jim turned fully to her, eyes flaming with anger. "I'm not the one who ran for 4 years."

"Well I'm here now. You're still running." She said defiantly.

Jim wagged a long finger at her. "Oh, so now because you want to work things out, I'm supposed to jump? I'm not a puppy Pam. I'm not on your leash!"

Pam sat back, hurt filling her eyes. "I'm trying to make things right."

"How?!" Jim exclaimed, probably too loud, because half the bar stared in his direction. Pam looked around, uncomfortable at the watching eyes. "I mean was it not enough for you to see me lay out my feeling for you TWICE and get rejected? Because it was enough for me."

"I didn't reject you."

"I.can't." Jim slowly and bitterly hissed out the same words that haunted him. "Sounds like a rejection to me."

"Can we go outside?" she whispered, visibly shaken by Jim's anger.

"Sure. Last time you stepped on my heart, it happened outside too." Jim spat out, and Pam recoiled her grip. He stomped out the door, not understanding quite himself where all this rage was coming from.

They stood in the parking lot, the street lamps humming above them. Pam wrapped her arms around her waist and took a deep breath.

"You're angry. I get that. But you don't get to demand I not feel angry too. Maybe everything wasn't about you. Maybe I needed to leave Roy for me! I needed to stand on my own, and I had never got to do that! And isn't that what you kept demanding I do?! Make decisions for me?! How could you sit here and get mad I didn't run to you because you decided we should be together?!"

Jim bit back his initial angry response and considered her questions. "I just...I just wanted you. I didn't think...about the other stuff."

Pam closed her eyes and rested her hand on her eye lids. She was crying and Jim was pretty sure he was crying too, because his cheeks were soaked.

She looked up at him. "I didn't think I had a right to contact you after Casino night. I should have handled things better on all ends, but I have never been through anything like this before. I've only been with Roy. And I was scared....very scared. I was scared what all that meant. I didn't want to think I had done anything wrong, that loving you was cheating on Roy, but it was."

Jim tore away from her eyes and he felt Pam step closer.

"So?" Was all the anger Jim could muster. Looking at her right now, his heart betrayed him.

"So... I love you, didn't you hear me?"

Jim swallowed and felt his head pounding. He heard it but he thought his mind was playing tricks on him. Just like it played tricks with all those moments he thought she felt something too.

When he didn't respond she continued, stepping even closer. "I do love you Jim. And I'm sorry I couldn't say it that night but I didn't know what to feel anymore, I doubted myself. But...I love you Jim. I do. And I-I know...it's too late, now. I know I was being stupid all those months I didn't contact you. All I can say is I'm sorry. Oh god...I'm sorry."

Her shoulders shagged and she shook violently and Jim felt his heart beating its way into his throat. He choked back his own tears and reached out, finally grabbing her like he should have done before. And she leaned into him and cried openly as he stroked her head and planted kisses atop her hair. As her body finally relaxed against his, he cursed himself for not having control. He had controlled himself for 4 years, why all of a sudden he lost it, he didn't know.

She wiped at her eyes and leaned back looking up at him. He watched her sniffle, her eyes pink and nose rosy, and his heart filled with love for her. It was like an ocean, never drying out, replenishing each time he heard her breathe.

So Jim Halpert decided to grow a pair and do what he needed to do to fix the strain between them. Without warning, he bent down and smashed his lips against hers. She fell immediately into it and her fingers were in his hair again.

They would work out all the other kinks tomorrow. Because right now...they needed this.