By the time Jim and Karen were back to her place, both of them were fairly tipsy and were soon removing each other’s clothes.

“I think you looked absolutely sexy as you swayed with me today, Halpert”, Karen whispered softly against his neck as she pulled off his tie and unbuttoned his shirt. “I wanted to take you right there”, she continued, biting at his earlobe and making him grunt.

Jim usually enjoyed the almost shy dirty talk, a new side of Karen he had discovered when they had slept together for the first time. But today it just reminded him of all the things he had been thinking about as they had danced earlier, sending him in a pool of guilt. So he shushed her with his lips, catching her lower lip between his teeth.

“Shh, you talk too much, Filippelli”, he said, pulling up one of her legs and pushing down the pantyhose urgently. Karen moaned and happily gave in.

While some people (or maybe just Mark) insisted that what Jim had with Karen was a rebound, Jim tried very hard to stay away from that word, because rebound implied a lack of moving on, but he was moving on, right? Moving on to fancier things, to a better job, to a stable relationship, to clarity and assuredness instead of longingness and what ifs.

And he liked Karen, they had similar dreams, an almost overlapping taste in films and music, she was mature and calm and driven, and more than anything else, she adored him. And it wasn’t like he had hidden stuff from her. Soon after they had started dating after moving to Scranton, Karen had found about his close friendship with Pam- which Jim wasn’t surprised about. Their office wasn’t the best at dealing with secrets, and this he knew by experience.

While they had hit a rough patch a few weeks back, for Jim had initially withheld stuff from Karen and brushed off the matter as just a crush, she had eventually seen through him. And as much tiring as those weeks of talking it out were, the kind of understanding and patience Karen had showed had touched him. He had told her he wanted to move on, told her that he wanted to be with her, and none of that was a lie. He couldn’t imagine it otherwise; he didn’t have the energy to.

His brother had told him once that people move on from someone to someone, and not someone to nothing. So he had convinced himself (and Karen as well) that he could move on, he will, and now as he slid inside her, and as she moaned his name against the crook of his neck, moving on seemed like more and more of a reality.

Afterwards, as she put some coffee to brew, he put on his dress shirt and pants on and told her that he should head back, that he would see her tomorrow and that they could have a Sunday brunch. Karen smiled, nodded and moved to kiss him, but he could see the unasked question in her eyes that popped up there every time he would head back on weekend nights- why wouldn’t he stay? And why wouldn’t he every say her name while they had sex?

Jim drove back in silence, thinking about where he could take Karen to eat the next day and maybe if he should buy her some flowers. He messaged Mark to meet him for a game the next morning, because somehow, he knew that he won’t get much sleep tonight. Hopefully, he will feel less scattered tomorrow.

**

Pam spent the rest of the weekend and most the next week prepping for her art show. She was genuinely excited about this, as this was the first concrete thing she was putting up ever in her life, and also because this was the first concrete proof of all the things she had achieved all by herself in the pat few months- in those paintings was hidden her own story of self-discovery and second chances.

She had invited her mom, her sister Penny, and her best friend Isabelle was already helping her with printing out flyers. This was also important for her class as her tutors would be doing a round as well, checking not only on artwork but also on how well they have managed the logistics of putting up an exhibition of their own.

Pam was full of energy and hope for the entire week, feeling pumped about her work and about actually doing something for herself for the first time in her life. In times like these, she loved being single and independent, almost cherishing the way her life had toppled over in the last few months.

Nevertheless, beneath all the energy and excitement was a little nervousness of having Jim at her art show; it was like she was displaying to him all that she had managed to piece together after he had walked away from her life and left her in a state of scatter and rumble.

Would he even come to the show?

It’s not that Pam and Jim didn’t talk, she had even given him (and Karen, as they always entered and left the office together these days) a flyer and he had given her a huge smile in return, just like he had when she had told him about winning the art contest. Only this time, he didn’t hi-five her as his free arm was caught in Karen’s in a loop as she had congratulated her as well. 

Pam brushed all negative energies, though, almost convinced that of course Jim would show up, even if for a little while. He had always been supportive of her art, even in times when she had rebuffed him, and he still cared for her as a friend. So with this, Pam had invited the entire office as well, bought a fancy new outfit that fit her artist avatar, and found herself happier and more energised than she could ever remember.

Her show was scheduled for the Friday, and on Thursday night as Pam packed up all the stuff for the show and put in the trunk of her car, she felt almost impatient to call Jim and ramble on about how excited yet anxious she was. It wasn’t that she did not have other people to talk to, but sometimes she just missed talking to Jim, for he understood her in ways that no one else ever had or ever could.

Sighing, certain that she would not call him, almost laughing at herself and muttering high time you did though, Pam tiredly fell into her couch and put on Dazed and Confused as she watched the all-too familiar scenes with a glass of wine, preparing for a night through which she was sure to get very little sleep. Hopefully, the next day would go just as she had imagined.

**

Jim was surprised, but glad that the documentary crew did not ask him about Pam’s art show. Maybe they were too preoccupied with his vampire prank, and he had to admit that he had done a good job distracting at them, but the truth was that he was just distracting himself. Because, oh man, he wanted to attend the show so bad.

But the past week hadn’t been amazing for him. Karen, he felt, had finally begun to reach the end of her patience and had started to straight away ask him when was he going to come around, or even if he was ever going to come around at all. Phyllis’ wedding, along with Karen putting him on the spot, had just left him unnerved, and frustrated. So frustrated! It made him angry at himself that even after working so hard towards building a new life and quitting old ways, all it takes is one look from her, a look that he couldn’t even fully decipher but which still pained him in unfathomable ways, just one look to push him reeling back into thoughts he had painstakingly stored away into locked corners of his brain.

And so Jim was struggling this week, struggling to assure himself and assure Karen that it’s alright, it’s just a phase, and that he isn’t falling back but only faltering a little. He told Karen he was quiet in the office because work was stressful too, but to see Pam happy and excited and energised and not being able to share that with her broke Jim. He had waited for these days, as much as he had waited to be with Pam, for he had always been her cheerleader, and not be able to do that when she most needed and deserved it made him feel pathetic.

Karen had very graciously offered that if he wants, they go could go to the show for a bit. But after seeing Pam’s hopeful eyes as she had handed him the flyer, Jim instantly knew that this was a big no. He wouldn’t be able to do it, and while it’s selfish, it killed him to even imagine going to that show like a casual visitor, saying a hello and coming back after a small chit chat. It would kill him to be there and not be able to hold Pam, tell her how proud he was of her, assure her that he would always stand by her, look into her eyes and promise her everything.

He couldn’t do it. He had to stay away. Jim always knew that with Pam, it was either all in or all out, and while being friends with her recently was certainly better than being strangers, it still pained him to not be there for her in ways he wanted to be.

He knew it was a selfish move to ditch her show, but he had no option. He could not simply afford to fall back in that dreaded cycle. Moving on, remember? It takes tough decisions like these to do that stuff.

But he was still aware that Pam really wanted him to come, so the least he could do was apologise to her. Karen had left early today for a sales call, and he was to meet her directly at her place. Jim had made a lot of plans for the weekend, and while it was mainly to make up to Karen, he also knew that it was also to keep his mind from wandering desperately to thinking about Pam’s show and how it went.

He strolled towards the reception desk at the end of the day; Pam instantly looked up and Jim’s apology died in his throat as she beamed up at him. She was wearing a hint of makeup, her eyes gleaming against the light brown of her lids.

“Hey, Beesly”, he said, casually tapping the desk with his fingers and trying to calm his nerves. “Um, good luck for your art show”, he said quickly, scared that his voice would give away.

He saw her smile falter a little, but then she grinned again. “Thanks, Jim. Um”, she hesitated, looking inquiringly at his face. Jim stood silently there for a moment, almost planning to dump every thought of moving on and taking her hand and going to the show with her and kissing her at the end of the night.

 “You are…?” she was trying to ask him if he'll be there, biting her lips nervously.

Oh god, when will all of this get fixed?

“Yeah, no, we won’t be able to make it”, he heard himself saying, instantly wincing at his own choice of words. He took in a sharp breath as he saw Pam positively deflate, her eyes falling back to the computer as she uttered a small ‘oh’.

“Pam, I am really sorry”, he leaned in a little. “We…I mean, I have this thing to go to and I just couldn’t get out of it, you know? I am sorry.”

“No it’s okay”, she said, almost cutting him off and she was smiling again, the way she used to smile when Roy would half-heartedly tell her that she looked nice, the smile which signified that she had given up on hoping, on dreaming, and was yet simply sailing through life. “It’s anyway not a big deal, you know. Don’t worry about it”, she said, waving her arms awkwardly.

I cannot let her feel this way. Ugh.

“Hey, it is a big deal. It is a really big deal.” Jim was glad that she held his eyes for a moment, wishing that his eyes would tell her everything that he wasn’t able to. “You will do great, Pam. I am sure.”

She smiled a little, nodding and then looking away again. It took all of Jim’s energy to not give in, which only reminded him of how imperative it was for him to skip the show in order to be able to do anything even remotely resembling moving on.

“Good luck, Beesly”, he said, taking his coat and looking back at her once. She had already turned her chair and was picking up some stuff from the floor. Jim waved at her back and left.

But even as he walked to his car, he was still hoping a little that she would come running after him, demanding him to come with her to the show come what may. Maybe if she had, he would have given in.

**

Pam had sat still and started at the wall behind her desk for an unknown period of time before Oscar tapped at her desk, making her jump.

“Hey, all set for the evening?”

She forced a smile. “Yeah, thanks.”

“Cool, I will see you there, Pam! Cannot wait!” he said, leaving her alone in the office to wind up and lock up.

Pam took in a huge breath as tears made their way even as she tried her best to sniff them back.

Not today. Today is not about him, it is about you and your dreams and your hard work.

But how could he ditch this? Could he not have even dropped by for 10 minutes? Is this what we have become?

As tears gushed back at this thought, Pam gave in and sobbed at her desk. Crying soothed the pain in her chest that had started the moment Jim had told her that “we” couldn’t make it." Pam wasn’t the jealous type, but this had ignited a mix of jealously and embarrassment in her. But then he had looked at her in a way she missed every day, with those unwavering eyes that reminded her of a ship deck, of a parking lot, apologising and reassuring her with the same earnestness and singularity in his voice as when he had told her that he loved her, that he wasn’t drunk.

And Pam had dared to hold his eyes, to ask him how he could forget her so easily. She saw a hint of remorse in there, a bit of desperation as he apologised, and Pam wanted to break right in front of him and beg him to come to the show, tell him that she has dared to do all of this only because of him, and that all of it would lose meaning if he isn’t a part of it.

Pam’s phone rang, and she was thankful for Isabella to pull her out of the spiral.

Not today. Today is about you.

“Hey, I am almost here! You done?”

“Yeah, I will be down in a minute.” Isabella was taking a cab till the office so that Pam could drive down to the venue with her and they could together set up her stall.

Pam met Isabella downstairs in a few minutes, and soon the energy of the evening was rubbing off on her again, the pang in her chest almost forgotten. In no time, Pam and Isabella were setting up her corner, meeting with the people in the stalls around them, Pam was introducing her classmates to Isabella, and as she caught a couple of eyes going appreciatively over her art and even a couple of guys checking her out, she breathed in, unfamiliar to feeling great about herself.

People soon began to trickle in, and Pam saw faces from her class as well as the office show up, everyone greeting her, Michael making an overenthusiastic comment about her new outfit, Kelly and Ryan giving her a huge thumbs up, Phyllis taking her in a hug while admitting she didn’t understand art, and Kevin going for the food after congratulating her. Surrounded by mostly positive energies and her family, Pam felt a strange kind of nervous happiness taking over her, a small voice in her head telling her that it’s all okay, that she’s doing alright, that it’s all going as she had planned.

Yet, even as she remained occupied with guests, teachers and classmates, her eyes kept moving towards the door, still hoping a little that he would walk in a little late and tell her that he was sorry. She knew he wouldn’t, but she kept a check on the door anyway.

***