I take a deep breath and shut off the engine and get out of the car in the cool spring Pennsylvania air. I walk up to the door and knock lightly shoving my hands into the pockets of my jacket hoping I don’t look desperate.

He opens the door and I can’t help but force out a smile for the sake of appearances. Suddenly this all seems incredibly stupid, was this really the smartest choice? Maybe not but I can’t think of anywhere else that I would want to be, anywhere that I would feel safer than with him.

“Beesley? What’s going on? What are doing here?” Jim asks and I finally get a good look at him, he was obviously in the middle of getting ready for bed based on his appearance.

“Can I come in?” I ask knowing that with one gentle push of that door he could make this night go from bad, to terrible.

We both stood there for what felt like forever just staring at one another but was only a few seconds before Jim silently opened the door so that I could come in. 

“Pam, what’s going on?” Jim asked and I try to build the courage to tell him everything that was going through my head. How do I tell him everything that happened tonight? How do I explain that I left Roy but that it wasn’t because of him? He might have been the catalyst that started it but it didn’t have anything to do with him, I left because I no longer felt like I belonged in that relationship, like I am a completely different person than the girl who first said yes to Roy back in the tenth grade.

“I um...I left Roy tonight. We got into this huge fight and we both said some things and then he left and I just really didn’t want to stay there.” I stated matter of factly.

I watch Jim for a few moments and I can see all of the thoughts swirling through his mind like a tornado. I see this flash of hope in his eyes and I don’t know exactly how to handle that or what to say? How do I explain all of this to him without somehow hurting him all over again?

“So things are over between you and Roy?” Jim asks and I can’t take my eyes off of his, I nod.

“Yeah, I don’t think he fully comprehended that but yes Roy and I are done.”

Jim nods and I know what he wants to ask, I just don’t know if I have any sort of answer for him yet. It’s still hard for me to process that this entire relationship was over, it hasn’t really hit me yet. 

What if I made a mistake? I have been in love with Roy for the better part of ten years and then after one night and one amazing kiss I just break it off? What if I am just being impulsive? What if I am just having cold feet? Did I just ruin this relationship over a crush I may or may not have on my best friend? You’re in love with Jim, that’s more than you can say about Roy at the moment and you are supposed to be marrying him in a month. I think to myself and take a deep breath.

“Is it because…” Jim starts to ask and it doesn’t take a mind reader to know what he wants to ask.

“There is a lot of reasons why I left tonight, but I think...you helped me realize how broken our relationship really was. That he wasn’t treating me right and that he wasn’t listening to me and what I wanted. I needed to get out before I drowned in that relationship any more than I already have. I need to figure out who I am without him ya know? Figure out what I want out of my life and then go after it.” I explain hoping that he can read the subtext of what I am saying, that he understands that I need to find myself before jumping into another relationship. I need to figure myself out on my own before I figure out who I am while in another relationship.

“I’m proud of you Beesley, you’re going after what you want and you aren’t going to let anyone stop you until you get it. I can already see the fire in your eyes, you’re going to do amazing things.” Jim says and I can see tears in his eyes and I wonder silently why he was tearing up. Were they happy tears? Sad tears? Did he not understand that I want to be with him just not yet? That I needed more time.

He stood there looking at me as if he was falling in love with me all over again and I just felt myself melt. It was like the last few years of our friendship flashed before my eyes, all I could see was Jim and me and I knew that I have always loved him too. I just never had the guts to admit it to myself until tonight.

I take a deep breath and looked deep into his eyes. I always felt safe whenever I looked into his eyes and this time was no different. I needed to better explain to him what I needed so that he completely understood what was going throught my mind.

“After what you told me earlier it was like you broke the glass ceiling on everything. I was never willing to admit to myself that there was something between us because I didn’t want to be unfaithful to Roy. There was a history between us and I felt an obligation to see how things played out with him. I realized tonight that I have wanted you to save me from that dead-end relationship and swoop me off of my feet. But I also realized that I had to save myself, that I had to be the one to break things off with Roy. 

“I needed to do it for myself and not because of whatever this is between us. You couldn’t be the reason I got out of this relationship, I needed to do it for me. But I would be lying if I said that you weren’t part of the reason. I guess what I am trying to say is that I love you too, I think I have loved you from the day that I showed you to your desk when you first started working at Duder Mifflin. But I need time Jim, I need to figure out who I am and what I want and I need to be one my own for a little while. I can’t tell you how long that will be but just...give me time,” I say with tears now streaming down my face, I am so wrapped up in the moment and what I was saying that I didn’t notice that Jim was now crying as well. 

“I will give you all of the time that you need if it means that in the end, I get to be with you. That’s all that I have ever wanted, you don’t know how happy this makes me.” Jim says and I can’t help but smile as I listen to his words and feel butterfly’s flittering around in my stomach, this was really happening. 

I throw my arms around Jim’s neck and hug him, closing my eyes as I feel his strong arms wrap around my waist and it suddenly feels like coming home. It feels like I always belonged here and that this is where I was always meant to be. I never felt this giddy or happy when I was with Roy, there was always this underlying feeling of being inadequate whenever I was with him like I was never going to be enough. With Jim, I don’t get a feeling like that at all, I feel safe and warm and like nothing bad can ever touch me as long as I am with him.

I pull away from the hug and look up into his eyes and get this feeling like I was floating through the air. “I should probably go, I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to stay here.”

Jim gives me a look like ‘Come on, you can’t be serious’ and I can’t help it as a giggle escapes my lips by the look on his face.

“Where are you going to go if you don’t stay here?” Jim asks bringing up a valid point that I didn’t give much thought.

“I don’t know, maybe a motel or something,” I say playing with my keys that are in my hand still unable to look away from his intoxicating stare.

“There is no way in hell that I am letting you walk out that door knowing that you are going to go stay in a seedy motel. Listen, you can take my room and I will sleep in Mark’s room. He and Jessica are away for the weekend so there’s no problem, I promise to be a perfect gentleman, scout’s honor.” Jim says holding up three fingers with a smile on his face that makes me laugh.

“You can’t say scouts honor if you haven’t ever been a boy scout, that defeats the entire purpose of the promise. It turns you into a liar,” I say trying not to laugh.

Jim gives me a mock offended look and throws his hand over his heart as if I had wounded him. “Pam! How dare you accuse me of never being a boy scout and lying. I’ll have you know that I was a boy scout for two whole years.” 

I smiled and threw my head back in laughter feeling all the tension from the earlier fight with Roy just roll off of my back. “Alright Halpert, against my better judgment I will take your word for it.” 

“Good. Hey, I was just about to pop some popcorn and watch a movie, do you want to join me?” Jim asks and I can see the hope in his eyes and my stomach just drops, I want nothing more than to say yes but I know that it will mean more to him than I can give him and I just don’t know if I can do that to him and give him more hope.

“Actually I’m exhausted after everything that has happened tonight. Would it be okay if I just went right to bed?” I ask hoping that he won’t see it as any sort of rejection but just that I was really tired and just didn’t think I could handle sitting next to him for an entire movie.

“Yeah of course. Follow me and I will show you to my room.” Jim says and I see him blush and can’t help but do the same myself. I know that he didn’t mean anything sexual by it but knowing that at some point in the future that might actually happen gives me chills.

Jim chooses to blow right over the subtext of what he said and shows me to his room. He automatically pulls out a pair of sweatpants and an old basketball t-shirt for me to wear and I can’t help but smile and take them from him. This all seemed surreal as if this wasn’t actually happening to me but to someone else.

“The bathroom is right down the hall on the left and if you need anything else don’t be afraid to ask,” Jim says as he starts to walk out the door but I stop him.

“Hey...Thanks. This means alot to me.” I say hoping that he knows I was saying thanks for more than the clothes and a place to stay for the night. That I was saying thank you for being so understanding and for waiting and just for being himself.

“No problem. You are worth the wait Beesley. Good night.” He says as he closes the door behind him as he leaves and I just stare at the door for a few minutes wondering what I did right in my life to have a man like that love me.