Pam woke up the next morning after a fitful night of sleep and immediately pulled the blankets over her head. The thought of going into work and seeing a newly enlightened Karen made her stomach feel uneasy. She felt guilty, as if she had been the one keeping a secret from Karen for three months.
And then there was Jim. She was disappointed in him, sure. But she couldn’t say she was mad at him because the fact that he hadn’t told Karen about her and had gone as far as to lie about his heater being broken for months in order to avoid bringing Karen to their building, said to Pam that there were still some very real and lingering feelings on Jim’s side of the hallway. She wanted to be mad at him...but ”hopeful” probably rang a little more true.
But...what would happen if Karen wanted to work through things with Jim and he decided that’s what he wanted as well? Or what if Karen threw her hands up and broke it off with him, leaving Jim frustrated that Pam had pushed him off the ledge with her? What would that mean for their friendship? For daily life at work? All she knew is that things would be different than they previously had been, no matter how it shook out, which was terrifying. Pam thrived in normalcy.
She poked her head out from her blankets to check her alarm clock and realized she had about 20 minutes before she needed to leave for work. So, she pulled herself into her work clothes and out of the spiral she had worked herself into.
———
Pam got to the office before either Jim or Karen had arrived. She mindlessly fiddled with the pens on her desk and shuffled the same three stacks of papers around while keeping one eye on the door.
Finally she saw Karen walking in.
With Jim.
Laughing and holding hands.
Pushing aside the familiar sting from seeing them together, she felt confused. This did not look like a couple who must have had a pretty difficult conversation no more than 12 hours ago. She turned back to her computer as they came in through the office door.
“Hi Pam!” Karen said, cheerfully. “Good seeing you last night. Hey, that new coffee shop on Parker Ave? It just opened up and I’ve been meaning to try it. Want to check it out with me at lunch?”
Pam shot a quick glance at the back of Jim’s head, which he was now scratching nervously at his desk. Willing herself to act normal despite her utter confusion, she smiled.
“You know, I promised...Kelly...that I would have lunch with her today?” She didn’t mean for it to sound like a question, but she was never good at lying on the spot. “But maybe another day?”
“Sure! Just let me know.”
Karen walked past Jim’s desk, affectionately running her hand along his back on the way to her own desk.
Pam drilled holes in the back of Jim’s head with her eyes, willing him to turn around.
He hadn’t told her.
There was no way in hell that he had told her.
Now she was mad.
————
She spent the next hour trying to come up with reasons in her own mind for why he wouldn’t have come clean. Even if he and Karen hadn’t discussed their past relationships with each other yet, this was different.They all worked together, Pam lived down the hall from him, and hell, she had even called off her wedding and decade-long relationship because of him (though, she conceded, she had never confessed that last one to anyone, especially Jim). The circumstances were such that Jim should have given Karen a head’s up, simple as that. But nothing about any of this had ever been simple, had it?
What finally sent her over the edge was the fact that in the last hour, Pam had seen nothing except the back of Jim’s head. He hadn’t turned to face her once. He had even turned off his IM chat, their number one form of communication in the office since his return to Scranton. She grabbed her purse and walked to Michael’s office.
“Pam-o-rama, what can I do for ya?”
“I’m not feeling well at all. My niece had the flu last week and I’m worried that I might have caught it. Can we have someone cover the phones?”
“Sure thing. Feel better soon, m’lady.”
“Thanks, Michael.”
She rushed past Jim, feeling his eyes on her but refusing to meet them with her own. She darted out into the hallway and down the stairwell.
“Pam!” Jim’s voice echoed.
She stopped and spun around, looking up at him, exasperated. “You didn’t tell her.”
Jim looked back toward the office, a finger on his lips as he made his way down to her. He reached her, stuffed his hands in his pockets, and shrugged.
“No, I didn’t.”
“Why not, Jim? Don’t you think she should know? This involves me too!”
“Of course I do, Pam! It kills me that it has taken me this long to tell her. I just can’t figure out the best way to do it.”
“Maybe you should tell her in a parking lot after a work party and then flee the state. That seems to be your ideal way to drop these kinds of bombs.”
She regretted it instantly but the words had already spilled out. The look on his face nearly shattered her to pieces. “Jim, I’m sorry. I—“
His voice was quiet, but bitter. “A whole lot of good that did me, huh?”
She looked at him and felt the small surge of frustration begin to rise again.
“I was engaged, Jim.”
“Really? I had no idea,” he spat.
“It was three weeks before I was about to get married, and you decided to tell me you lo—felt that way about me.” She couldn’t get herself to say the word.
He dropped his gaze. “And you made it very clear that I wasn’t the one you wanted, Pam. Twice.”
“Jim—”
“And I will tell Karen! But it’s my relationship! One that started because I had to get out of this place! I couldn’t sit at that desk every single day and watch you marry that guy. There was so much pain and so many memories...I had to move to get away from it all, and away from all of the things I thought we had but obviously didn’t.” He rubbed his hands over his face and through his hair. Pam stepped closer to him.
“We had them, Jim. Of course we had them! But you left faster than I could even process what had happened, and without even saying goodbye.” The gloves were out now and there was no going back for Pam. She was tired of holding back. “And this isn’t even really about Karen right now!”
“Oh, it’s not?”
“No, Jim, it’s about us and our innate ability to constantly avoid all the things we actually need to say.”
His brow furrowed intensely.
“And what do we actually need to say, Pam?”
She stared at him, feeling every emotion of the past several years, all at once. There were rooftops, and jellybeans, and stolen glances. There was jealousy, and heartache, and wishing they could just be honest for once. She felt a tear roll down her cheek, then another, and she watched Jim’s face soften. He stepped even closer and gently cupped her face in his hands.
“Pam…”
“Jim?”
They both shot their eyes upward to see Karen standing at the top of the stairwell.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I had most of this chapter already written before I had even finished the last one, so it's a pretty quick update this time. Guns are a'blazin', so buckle up.
Chapter End Notes:
I know, I'm sorry. Next chapter has already been started, though. Won't be long, I swear!
