It had been three days since Pam bolted out the doors of the office building, leaving Jim to clean up the mess they had just made with Karen. Pam had no idea how much Karen had heard of their argument in the stairwell but if the look on her face said anything, it was enough. Pam felt like a coward for running but in the moment she felt like it was Jim’s responsibility to deal with it.
Now she hadn’t heard from either of them for three days.
She had called in sick, claiming the flu, every one of those days. She may not have actually been sick, but there were still used tissues all over her apartment and she hadn’t changed out of her robe for three days. Her nose was red and eyes were splotchy, and she had a headache she just couldn’t seem to shake. The idea of losing Jim again, maybe for good this time, felt like a weight on her chest that she couldn’t seem to bear. Every day he didn’t contact her the weight increased and she wondered how long before it crushed her. The things she said to him were constantly swirling and haunting her. She and Jim just couldn’t seem to get it right; now she had no idea what came next. She spotted the unopened jar of peanut butter on the counter and felt the tears start welling up all over again.
Day was turning into night—Pam’s least favorite time of day lately. It wasn’t quite afternoon but wasn’t exactly evening. It was a weird in-between that felt unsettling. She knew Jim would be coming home from work soon. Normally she would hear him greet Mr. Bisoni through her door (Mr. Bisoni was a creature of habit and walked his dog Pearl at the same time every day, usually when Jim was returning from work). The deep sound of Jim’s voice, muffled through the thin apartment door, was the only connection she had to him the last few days and every time she heard it, it sent a shiver down her spine and a deep ache in her heart. She assumed he wanted nothing to do with her anymore. Not after she shoved “that night” right back in his face, as if it didn’t mean everything to her as well. As if that night didn’t shake her loose from the disillusion of her dead-end engagement, giving her the courage to just be ”Pam” for once, instead of “Pam and Roy”. As if she didn’t have regular, vivid dreams about him walking through a dimly lit office and kissing her deeply and thoroughly. She thought back to the stairwell. They had both been harsh, but she felt something right before Karen brought it all to a halt, which made Jim's silence all the more heartbreaking.
She picked up the remote. What kind of torture would she put herself through tonight? You’ve Got Mail? The Notebook? Never Been Kissed?
Just as she settled on Love Actually, she heard three small taps on her door. Her heart jumped and she quickly smoothed her hair, hid the mound of tissues on her coffee table, tightened her robe, and went to the door, cracking it open to peer through a three-inch opening. All the air in her lungs left her.
“Hey, Beesly.”
Her voice was shaky and uneven, eyes barely brimmed with tears. “Hey, Halpert. You look like crap.”
He let out a gust of air that was mostly a laugh, but had so much more tangled inside of it. He shrugged into a meager smile. “It’s been a rough few days.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Can I?” He lifted the two bags he had in his hands. “I brought soup. I hear you have the flu.”
She opened the door for him. He placed the bags on the counter, unloading the styrofoam containers full of soup.
His voice was still quiet and almost timid. “You know, it took me three different tries to find a place that doesn’t put celery in their chicken noodle soup.”
“You remembered I hate celery,” she nearly whispered.
He paused and turned around. “Of course I remembered, Pam. Just like how I know you weirdly have to shake your bottled water before you drink it and that you’re terrified of tiny dogs. I know you.”
She offered him a small smile. “Yeah, I guess you do.”
He brought two bowls of soup over to where she was sitting on the futon. He handed one to her and then took a seat on the floor next to her legs. “So what are we watching?”
“Love Actually. Haven’t started it yet.”
“Well, let’s start it, then.”
There was a thickness lingering in the air between them and she knew they both felt it. Their words were dipped in sadness and regret, but she pressed “play” anyway, just content to have him there. They silently started watching the movie while they ate. Once Pam finished her soup (she didn’t realize how hungry she was) she brought her feet up on the futon and laid on the pillow beside her, Jim still sitting in front of her on the floor grabbing his knees, leaning back against the futon. She reached out her hand and began to slowly play with the back of his hair, desperately trying to cut through the cloud between them. She dropped her hand to his shoulder.
“I called off my wedding because of you, you know. I never told you that. I’ve never told anyone that, actually.”
He reached his hand behind him and put his fingertips over hers. Finally, he turned his body sideways to face her.
“You did?”
She nodded, happy to see those green eyes again. He frowned slightly and cleared his throat.
“You never called.”
She hugged the pillow to her chest. “I know. I’m sorry. I just thought you wouldn’t want to hear from me after that night. And I was dealing with a lot, too. Turns out breaking out of a ten-year relationship isn’t as seamless as one might think. I missed you so much, but had no idea how to tell you that. You felt so far away and it was my fault.”
He moved a strand of hair out of her eyes and behind her ear.
“I always want to hear from you,” he said deep into her eyes. Then he laughed under his breath. “Look at us, Beesly. Saying the things we actually need to say.”
She covered her eyes and spoke from beneath her hands. “I’m so sorry about what I said in the stairwell.”
“Me too. And I’m even more sorry that it took me three days to drag my sorry ass over here. Just needed a little time to figure some things out, you know?”
She winced a little as she eased into the next question.
“How’s Karen?”
He exhaled deeply and rubbed his hand over the left side of his face.
“Uh, she’s back home in New York with her folks. Looking to transfer out there, probably Utica. Also, she hates me. I guess she never said as much, but...she does.”
“I feel really terrible.”
“No, don’t! I don’t think she blames you, and she shouldn’t. You were right, I should have told her from the beginning.
She paused. “Why didn’t you?” she ventured.
Pam could see the wheels turning in his brain, trying to work out how he wanted to respond. Her heart rate quickened as he put his hand up and laced his fingers through hers as he started talking.
“I think...a lot of it was me shutting off a valve in my brain. If I didn’t tell her about it, I didn’t have to think about it. And honestly, when I came back to Scranton, things with Karen were so new and I wasn’t sure what it meant or how serious it might get, so I didn’t tell her right away. Then,” he smiled, “I met my neighbors.”
“Who, me?” Pam feigned surprise.
“Yes, you. We live like 15 steps from each other--”
“21, actually.”
“Wow. 21,” he laughed. “But I'll argue my legs are just longer. Anyway, with you living so close, it was just easier to not tell Karen so you and I could still be some version of friends and not make our situation more unbearable than it needed to be. And if I’m being really honest...I couldn’t tell Karen what happened with us because I think I still had...feelings.” He glanced up at her, gauging her reaction. “But again, the brain valve thing, and telling her would open the floodgates of feelings and you had already told me no and I didn’t want to go through all of that pain again. So, to sum it up: I’m the cowardly lion. With feelings.”
Pam looked down at their hands, Jim’s thumb caressing hers. She put her lips on the back of his hand. Her voice was barely audible.
“I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“I know.” He tilted his head. “Can I ask you a tough question now?”
“I can’t give you my sudoku secrets, Jim.” She saw him smile, but it quickly faded. “I’m joking. Ask away.”
“Why did you stay with Roy?”
She ran her free hand up and down Jim’s forearm.
“Habit.”
“That’s it?”
“Honestly, that’s what it all boils down to. We had been together for so long, I almost forgot that I could make my own decisions. I spent so many years feeling subconsciously obligated to him, and my knee-jerk reaction was always to choose him because I was supposed to, I guess. Took a little...jostling to make me realize how ridiculous and sad that was. By the time I figured it out, you were gone and I thought I had screwed the whole thing up.”
“Jostling, huh?”
Jim’s face inched closer to Pam’s with a smile.
“Mmm hmm…” She could barely think.
His lips were now centimeters from hers.
“Can I...jostle you again?”
“...the flu…” she muttered with her eyes closed.
“You and I both know you don’t have the flu, Beesly…”
Before she could respond, his lips had melted against hers. He ran his fingers through her hair and took her into his kiss, deep and slow. She wrapped her hands behind his neck and through his hair. He slowly ran his hand down the side of her body and around her back then up through her hair again. Finally, they broke apart, keeping their foreheads together, Pam’s head in his hands.
“Jim?” Pam whispered.
“Yeah?”
“Just checking to see if you still have any of those lingering feelings.”
“Uh, yeah...feelings are most definitely still there.” He was grinning. “Never left, actually.”
She pulled him into another soft kiss.
“One more thing,” she said against his mouth.
“Hmmm…”
“I’m going to need you to open that jar of peanut butter on the counter.”
Chapter End Notes:
One more chapter to go! I can tell you right now that it will most likely be a complete fluff-fest. ;)
