He sits in his car and stares out the windshield in front of him. His focus blurs out from a spot of dirt he’d missed when he cleaned it last. How can one moment hold all love, joy, and glory, and at the same time, all the pain and heartbreak you could ever imagine? The wonder of the moment turned immediately bleak when he’d asked, “You’re really gonna marry him?” and she’d nodded her head in response. In that instant, something switched on in him- or maybe it was off. Hell, it was probably both; he felt so jumbled and confused about everything in the past half hour.
He’d gone to get his messenger bag, but upon opening the inner door heard her voice. He didn’t see her at her desk, but she sounded close. Realizing she was on the phone he’d become hyper-aware of the emotions in her voice. Her “I don’t know mom; he’s my best friend,” followed by, “Yeah, I think I am,” had him filling in the blanks with what he wished she was answering. He felt confident she’d just admitted to her mom that she thought she had feelings for him. His body went on autopilot. He had to be near her. As he moved in the direction of her voice, he was further emboldened by the sight of her at his desk, his phone cord wrapped around her hand. With a sense of urgency he strode a few more steps and she was suddenly in his arms and his lips were suddenly on hers. And the heavens opened up and angels sang and fireworks exploded, all at once. When her hands moved up to his shoulders and her fingers found themselves tangled in his hair, he knew he hadn’t misunderstood a single thing and his heart absolutely soared!
But, she’d pulled away and his wings were immediately clipped and he came crashing back down to Earth. His resolved, “Okay,” and pulling away from her in every sense of the word became the only thing that could protect his heart from further humiliation- especially with HER as a witness. Up until that moment, self-preservation had always been a good idea- distance from her, don’t expose your heart, focus on the friendship, etc. But now, self-preservation was required, or he wouldn’t survive this; he knew that.
He turns the engine, but then immediately kills it. He wars with himself for a quick minute, then pulls out his phone and types out a text to Jan. He hesitates to hit send and looks out his rear-view mirror at the entrance to the Dunder Mifflin offices. Maybe she’ll change her mind again. Maybe she’ll come looking. He looks at the clock. 10:28pm. I’ll wait until 10:40. If she comes out the doors by then, that’s my sign that I should stay and fight for this. If not, I send the text and move on. He feels pathetic that there’s still a part of him that doesn’t believe he’s misunderstood anything, even though it’s a freckle of its former self now. He places his phone face-side down on the passenger seat next to him.
At 10:38pm the front door opens and his heart jumps into his throat! He swings free his car door, but when two of the Vance Refrigeration employees are revealed in the doorway, he slams his door hard. “FUCK!!” he shouts into the enclosed space. Why do I keep doing this to myself? He chastises himself for playing the fool again, but that doesn’t stop him from continuing the countdown with a seed of hope. He even lets 10:40pm come and go with the hope of just two more minutes. And then 10:45pm hits. He realizes this really is a lost cause. While taking a deep breath, and one more peek at the mirror, he reverses the car and slowly makes his way toward the exit. One last glance at the empty doorway and his vision blurs slightly as he feels a sharp pain in his heart. The final fragment of hope he’d been clinging to fully leaves him, trickling down his cheek as a solitary tear. It’s really over. He reaches across to the seat beside him and once again grabs his phone.
SEND.
Before he can even turn onto the street, a response dings. Woah, that was quick! He looks at the text and takes a steadying breath. It all feels REALLY real now. God! How am I going to make it through tomorrow?! It’s bad enough that I have to see her after what just happened, but how the hell am I going to tell her?!? He thinks to himself that maybe he won’t; maybe he’ll just let her find out at the same time as the rest of the office. He glances at his reflection in the rearview. Coward. Shaking his head at himself, he makes a left hand turn out of the parking lot. It doesn’t matter how she hears it, really. And like it or not (and he’s still not sure if he does), he leaves for Stanford this weekend. He’s moving on.
