Friday morning, she called in sick and told Roy she had really bad cramps and needed a day off with no responsibility beyond refilling her hot water bottle and watching trashy soap operas. Sending him off to work with a packed lunch of his favorite food to be sure he wouldn’t come home midday, she waited 15 extra minutes to make sure he hadn’t forgotten anything and was safely at work. Then, Pam jumped from the bed, brushed her teeth, and quickly threw on a t-shirt, jeans, and her white keds. Full of nervous energy, she put a couple pieces of bread in the toaster and started to pour herself some coffee. On second thought, I really don’t need to feel more anxious than I already do. She dumped the dark liquid into the sink and rinsed her mug, refilling it with water instead. Four gulps later and she’d drained the cup and began filling it once more just as her toast popped up.
She moved to the living room and sat rigidly on the edge of the couch cushion- a half-eaten slice of toast in one hand and the mug of water in the other. Am I REALLY doing this? Uprooting everything I know based on one kiss? She knew that was a vast oversimplification but still wondered momentarily if this was a half-cocked idea. She chewed on the last bite of her toast and absentmindedly brushed off the crumbs from her hand onto her jeans. Looking around the room, she took stock of more than 10 years of memories and plans for a life together. She noticed her art supplies filling three Rubbermaid totes stacked in the corner and covered in dust- a bag of some of Roy’s too-small shirts thrown atop that waited for her next trip to Goodwill. On the coffee table were the partially completed guest favors for the wedding. Last week, she’d moved them in from the kitchen table with the hope that Roy would help put them together if he could watch his game while they worked. That didn’t pan out and there they sat; a visual reminder of the standoff they’d had about his lack of involvement in wedding planning and prep and her lack of understanding about how hard he works all day.
These were disappointing things, to be sure, but she and Roy had many good times, too, she reminded herself. She glanced at the framed photos on the bookshelf. One of them of just after the homecoming game senior year- Roy still in his uniform and Pam wearing red and gold face paint and a giant smile. Another of him unlocking the door to this apartment the day they’d moved in together. One in front of the tree that first Christmas on their own. That was the first (and last) time Roy had helped decorate. Every year since he’d told her it wasn’t his thing and he preferred how she made it look without his help. She scanned the room and realized there was no memorabilia of the two of them from at least the last five years. Had all our good times been that long ago? If the room was an indication, it appeared that was indeed the case. Pam silently confirmed to herself that this was the right decision.
Helene’s arrival was marked by her clever rapping upon the door. Pam’s parents had taken Pam and her sister, Penny, to see the New York Philharmonic when they were little girls and The Blue Danube became their favorite song. Since then, Helene would rap her knuckles to the melody whenever she knocked: when Pam was a teenager and the knock was on the bathroom door to warn that she was about to leave without her and she needed to hurry up; on her bedroom door when she’d heard Pam crying after a bad date and wanted to comfort her; or now, when she knew that Pam was on the verge of the biggest directional change of her life so far. The rapping brought comfort and made Pam smile, immediately calming her nerves.
She raced to the door and upon opening it, wrapped her arms around her mom’s neck, falling into her with a gentle sob, “Mom!” as Helene righted her balance before they both went toppling over on Pam’s front stoop.
“Oh, honey! It’ll all be okay. Just you wait and see. It will be okay,” she soothed as she held her and stroked the back of her hair. Pam nodded into her shoulder and with a very unladylike sniffle, pulled away and invited her mom inside.
They had talked late into the evening the night before, Pam walking through the apartment complex as she unfolded the somewhat unbelievable events of Casino Night. She’d shared her letter and all the fears and hopes she now held close to her heart. Her mom acknowledged her own previously secret belief that there was more between Pam and Jim than Pam was willing to see. She also shared her motherly intuition that things were not as they had been between Pam and Roy- for even longer than Jim had been in the picture. She just hadn’t wanted to interfere. She asked Pam a dozen different ways if this was what she really wanted and by the end of the call, Pam felt grounded and even more sure of her choices.
She got her mom a glass of water and refilled her mug for the third time. They sat side by side on the couch, turned towards one another with one leg tucked under the other and one arm propped up on the back of the couch, hand resting along their neck- a mirror of one another’s stance. They both took a deep breath at the same time and then both giggled at the undeniability of both their relation and connection to one another.
“Thanks for coming, Mom,” Pam started, with a watery smile. “I know all of this is putting a huge burden on you and dad and I’m so sorry.”
Helene scootched closer to Pam and put her hand on her shoulder. “There is nothing to apologize for Pam! You’re listening to your heart and I am so very proud of you. It can be impossibly hard to make a choice contrary to the safety and predictability of what one knows and has accepted for themselves. But you’re doing it and you’re doing it before you’re tied to him for the rest of your life.” Pam wondered if the glint of sadness in her mom’s eyes was about more than just Pam’s choices. She was pulled from that thought with Helene’s exuberant voice. “So, where do we begin?”
Pam pulled her To Do List out of her bag and began to run down the things she’d already added. First were the big items- get a place, a car, a new bank account, and pack up her stuff; and of course the biggest one- tell Roy. They talked about logistics. Pam’s father couldn’t join them today due to work but was driving out early tomorrow morning. He wanted to be part of the apartment and car searches. So, today she and Helene would pack her things and move those that would fit in the car to Helene’s hotel room for now. Once Roy got home from work, Pam would tell him. Thinking about it made her stomach flop uncomfortably. She wasn’t really scared of him or what his reaction might be but was still not looking forward to the conversation. She felt comforted to know that her mom would be outside in her car the whole time. It felt like the lifeline of courage she needed to take this big step.
“Have you heard anything from Jim?” Helene asked gently as she brought the boxes and packing supplies (that she’d thankfully had the forethought to bring) into the bedroom.
Pam looked at the clock. Jim had likely read the letter by now. “No, not yet,” She rationalized that he was probably just trying to honor her request for patience and time. Still, there was a small part of her that had hoped he’d acknowledge that he got the letter. She shrugged it off, reminding herself of how many items were on her To-Do list that needed to be marked off before anything could even be possible with Jim.
She continued to pack her toiletries, shoes, and jewelry in their respective boxes, aware that she felt a sort of flatness wash over her. There was a lump in her throat that felt sort of like she wanted to cry, but she didn’t feel any emotion connected with it. Maybe it’s just dust? She rolled her eyes at her own excuse then accepted that she felt a bit disappointed in herself that she felt mostly numb about preparing to leave the life she’d helped build for a decade. Am I just heartless? She thought about this for a moment and settled on the fact that she was just in work mode. Practicality didn’t lend much space for emotion and things needed to get done. The To Do list was far too long; no time for a breakdown now. She was sure that it would come later, anyway.
Around lunch time, with Helene’s car loaded to the brim, the ladies headed to the hotel with their first round of boxes. After running to the local credit union and opening her own accounts, they grabbed a quick lunch at Subway and headed back to finish packing. The furniture she wanted to take would have to wait until her dad got here and she had a place move it into. Besides, she really needed to talk with Roy about how to divide their shared things. By the time Pam and Helene were done, all the boxes of family heirlooms and all her books, art supplies, and personal effects were stacked in tidy piles along one full wall of her mom’s hotel room. As Pam checked off two more boxes on her To-Do list, she glanced at the clock. Her heartrate instantly quickened. It was almost 4:30pm and Pam needed to head back soon to have the talk with Roy. Wondering if she’d heard anything from Jim about the letter and hoping that an encouraging word might buoy her for the coming conversation, she checked her phone. No messages and no texts. Disappointment and worry lingered in her periphery. I hope there’s nothing wrong. Oh, God! What if he’s changed his mind? Before she could work herself into a frenzy, she shook her body, stomping in place to work it out. I’ll deal with that later. I need to focus on the task at hand. It was time to talk to Roy.
Helene parked down the block where they planned to meet up when she was done talking to Roy. Pam felt badly that she had no idea how long this would take, but Helene had brushed her off telling her to make it as long or fast as she and Roy needed. “After all,” she said, “I brought a book and will be up to my eyeballs in the most recent struggles of Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark.” Pam smiled at her mom’s forever interest in young adult fiction and started to open the car door.
“Pam?” Her mom spoke gently and with clear emotion in her voice. Pam turned towards her. “I’m quite proud of you, you know?” She reached out and stroked Pam’s cheek, catching tears with her fingers and wiping them from Pam’s cheekbone. “You are so very brave.”
Pam held her mom’s wrist and kissed the palm of her hand. With one more sobering breath, she exited the car and then leaned down to look inside the vehicle once more. “I love you mom.”
Now 5:10pm, she anticipated that Roy would be home at any moment. She couldn’t sit still. She paced up and down the hallway, practicing in her head what she planned to say. She sat on the arm of the couch- knee bouncing a spastic rhythm and trying to expel the unease from her body. At just past a quarter of the hour, she heard the door nob turn and Roy walked in.
“Hey Pammy! How ya feeling? Ahh… are you okay? What’s wrong?” She must have looked a real mess for him to notice.
Well, it’s now or never. “Roy, we need to talk.”
Overall, it had gone a lot better than she’d anticipated. At first, it was a nightmare. He’d thought she just wanted to postpone the wedding seeming to not understand that she was ending the relationship completely. Once clarified, he was angry and defensive. She pointed out how much they’d grown apart- also how little they’d grown at all- and asked him if he could even remember any truly happy times they’d shared in the past several years. Of course, he asked if there was someone else. Pam skirted the answer but assured him her decision was based on their stale relationship and lack of partnership. And that was all true.
After about an hour of arguing, bargaining, and flat out begging, Roy had finally admitted that he was somewhat relieved; that he’d realized he really didn’t want to get married, even though he loved her. He didn’t want the relationship to end, though, and asked again if she thought they could just take a break and work back towards one another. Pam soothingly let him know, this time with tears in her eyes, that she would always love him and the life they had shared together, but that the healthiest thing for both of them was to move on. They both sat facing one another and just cried for some time. Pam’s muscle memory wanted to reach out and hold him; let him hold her. But she knew that would be the worst thing for both of them right now. The break needed to be a clean one.
Pam let Roy know she’d moved her things out and they made plans on how to divide up the furniture and finances. She said that she and her dad would be by tomorrow afternoon with a truck to get the furniture and let him know that her mom was going to make the calls to cancel the wedding and get as much of their deposit money back as possible. They would also call the guests and let them know. Roy asked that he be the one to contact all of his family on the guest list; he’d start by telling his brother, Kenny, later tonight when they met up at Poor Richard’s for drinks. Once the logistics were organized, they gave each other a frighteningly awkward side hug and Pam left.
She returned to Helene’s car red-nosed and weeping, but relieved. Her mom pulled a tissue out of the glovebox and handed it to her. “Do you want to talk about it, honey?”
“Not now; maybe later,” Pam choked out as she fished a pen and the To Do list out of her purse for the umpteenth time that day. She placed a fat checkmark in the box next to ‘End Things With Roy’, folded the paper once more, and returned it to her bag until tomorrow.
As Helene drove the familiar streets through town, a tremendous wave of relief swept over Pam. She smiled a secret smile and snuck her phone out of her bag. Hmm.. still nothing from Jim. There was a tightness in her chest that she felt far too exhausted to examine just now. Instead, she opted to text him. It won’t hurt to keep him updated. We’ll talk all the details Monday when we see one another at work anyway. She typed out “It’s over.” Hoping the nod to her progress would bring confirmation of her commitment to the words of the letter. Smiling, she hit Send.
