Jim loves Pam so much. She doesn’t know because she has decided to marry an imbecile of a man so Jim can’t tell her. He’s not sure he has ever heard Roy utter two coherent words, he’s that stupid. Jim isn’t sure why Pam would choose someone like Roy when he sits right in front of her every day. Maybe she’s marrying Roy because she’s stupid too.

No, she’s not. He could never fall in love with someone so stupid. She just doesn’t know. Doesn’t know how good she could have it. Jim is handsome. Jim is funny. Jim likes jellybeans and yogurt. What else could she want? 

He has to tell her. He can’t sit in this agony any longer. He feels like a volcano about to erupt with all of the love in his heart that he has been holding for only Pam. All he does is sit here and think about her. He hasn’t made a sale in months because every time he tries to call a client, he just talks about Pam. His customers usually hang up within the first 10 minutes of Jim describing her hair, not even letting him talk about her eyes.

Which is a shame because he loves her hair, but her eyes are like bowls of salad. A delicious salad with iceberg lettuce, spinach, kale, cucumber, green peppers, avocado, brussel sprouts, zucchini, broccoli, green beans, arugula, and ranch that has been dyed green. 

Her salad eyes are especially bright today because her mom is coming to visit. He knows that Pam loves her mom, but he also knows that she couldn’t possibly love her mom more than he loves Pam. But if he wants to ever marry Pam then he has to make sure that her mom loves him too. He’s planning on making a good first impression on her. He wore his favorite shirt and made sure to brush his teeth extra well this morning. No bad breath for his future mother in law. 

He tries not to stare when her mom walks in, but Pam’s excited giggle is like music to his ears and he can’t help but glance over. Her smile is as bright as the sun as she shows her mom her desk, and after a moment he takes a large, deep breath. This is your chance, James Halpert, he thinks. Don’t screw this up. Seriously, Jim. Be brave. Be bold. Be beautiful.

He slowly stands up from his chair, his legs shaking like the Jell-O he put Dwight’s stapler in. His gangly legs taking small steps towards her desk. He had just reached into the jellybean container when his worst nightmare happened. 

Roy showed up.

His blood was immediately boiling. He wanted to punch Roy. Tell him to scram, get lost. He doesn’t love Pam like Jim does. He’s just the lucky buffoon who got to her first and she got comfortable. It was up to Jim to change that. 

He quickly walks back to his desk, stuffing the jellybeans into his mouth. He’s grateful that Pam and her mom are too distracted by the ogre in the ugly sweater to see him coming up with his master plan. 

But after five minutes, he still doesn’t have one. 

Win over her mom. Show her that he’s the one she should be with. That Roy is an idiot who doesn’t know the difference between a long ream of paper and a short ream of paper. Jim knows. Jim knows that a long ream of paper is 500 pieces of paper while a short ream is only 480 pieces. Jim knows this. Roy doesn’t. 

But anyway, he knows the end goals. But he doesn’t know how to get there. 

As soon as the door closes behind Roy, Jim overhears Pam’s mom whisper, “So, which one is Jim?”

“Me.”

Where’s the Staples button when you need it because that was easy.

Pam’s eyes are like UFOs when she looks at him, but her mom’s smile matches Jim’s when she says, “Oh, Jim! Come over here.”

“Mom!!!!”

“Zip it, Pamela. Come on, Jim.”

Pam’s face is as red as one of Dwight’s beets as Jim saunters up to the desk. “Hello, ma’am.”

“Oh, stop that. Call me Helene.”

“Maybe I should just start calling you Mom.” Jim winks.

“Jim, what are you talking about?” Pam’s voice is quiet, like a little mouse trying not to get caught by the cat. 

“Pam, I'm in love with you.”

“What? Jim, I'm engaged.”

Jim shrugs, “So stop it.”

“Ok.”

Helene turns to Jim, “Ok well do you want to come to dinner with us instead?”

“Yes, please. I’m starving.”

“Cool. I’ll wait in the car. You two don’t be too long, if you know what I mean.” Helene winks at each of them before walking out. 

Jim looks at Pam. “So, would you like to dump your idiot of a fiance and join me in some lip touching?”

Pam shrugs and takes off her engagement ring and throws it in the trash. “I guess I should tell Roy.” She grabs her purse and then Jim’s hand, “You coming?”

“Ok.”

She leads him to the elevator and once the doors close, the lip touching starts. They’re all over each other. It’s a miracle they are still dressed when they hear the ding telling them they have arrived at the warehouse. Pam wipes her lips before stepping out and finding Roy. She finds him leaning against the outer warehouse doors and once she gets close enough she can hear him flirting with Katy. 

“Roy Leslie Anderson!”

Roy’s jaw drops to the floor when he turns to see Pam. “Pam!”

Jim’s eyebrows join in the middle, “Katy?” 

Katy bites her lip, “Jim…”

Roy looks down at Jim and Pam’s joined hands. “Pam?!”

Jim’s eyes widen and he drops Pam’s hand. “Roy…”

If looks could kill, Jim would be on the ground dead with how Roy glares at him. “Halpert.”

Pam steps in front of Jim and blocks Roy. “Roy!”

Roy looks at Pam. “Pam.”

“What are you doing?!”

Roy shrugs, “You were taking too long.”

“So, you moved on to Katy?” 

“Yeah.”

“Well, I moved on to Jim!” Pam bragged.

“Ok.” 

“I guess we just wanted different things.” Pam frowns. 

“Yeah. I wanted a hot cheerleader and you wanted a lame salesman.”

“Yeah. It’s not you, it’s me. Well, actually, it was mostly you.”

“Ok.”

“So, we’re breaking up.”

“Ok. Are we still going to get married?”

“No, you’re uninvited.”

“Aw man.”

Pam shrugs. “You snooze, you lose.” 

“What did I lose?”

“Me.”

“But you’re right here?”

“You’re an idiot.” 

“Ok.”

“Bye, Roy.” Pam said. 

“Bye, Pam.” Roy said. 

“Bye, Katy.” Pam said. 

“Bye, Pam.” Katy said. 

“Bye, Katy.” Jim said.

“Bye, Jim.” Katy said.

“Bye, Jim.” Roy said. 

“Bye, Roy.” Jim said. 

Pam takes Jim’s hand again and walks out of the warehouse and to her mom’s car. They squeeze into the back seat, Jim’s long legs taking up most of the room so Pam is basically sitting in his lap as they ride to the restaurant. Her mom parks in front of Chili’s and Pam groans. 

“Mom!! I can’t go here! I’m banned!”

“You should have seen it, Helene. Pam was a mess. She even kissed me!”

Helene laughs, “Oh, I know.”

“WHAT?!” Jim and Pam both exclaim at the same time.

“Ever since Pam met you, I’ve kept a tiny camera in her purse. I knew she would end up dumping that bag of bones one day for you, and I wanted all of the deets.”

“That’s very smart, Helene.” Jim compliments.

“I know. I also brought you a disguise, Pam, so you and Jim can go have dinner.”

“I thought you were going to have dinner with us?”

“I don’t want to.”

“Ok.”

“Just don’t order any drinks so you don’t get carded and you’ll be cool.” 

Helene pulls out a long black wig and some oversized glasses and hands them to Pam. She puts them on and looks at Jim. “How do I look?”

“I think you are very attractive! Your appearance pleases my eyes!”

“Awww, Jim, you’re so sweet.”

Helene looks like she’s about to cry as she watches the couple in the backseat. “Now, get out of here, you two.”

Jim gets out first and then holds the door open for Pam, bowing as he takes her hand and she steps out. He holds her hand as they walk inside, feeling Pam’s whole body shake with nerves of if she will get caught. The host, a young blonde teenager with his hair sticking straight up, greets them. 

“Hi, welcome to Chili’s.”

“Hi. Um, a table for two. For me and my girlfriend, uh……..”

“Morgan.”

“Right. Morgan.”

“Ok? Come with me.”

Jim laughs as the host turns to walk to a table and then looks at Pam. “That’s what she said.”

“Am I on a date with Michael or what?” 

“Would you let Michael do this?” Jim asks as he wraps his arms around her waist and kisses her. They’re interrupted by the host coughing loudly beside them and they look at him. 

“Your table is over here.”

“Right. Come on, P-- uh, Morgan.”

The host raises an eyebrow suspiciously but leads them to the table anyway. Jim holds Pam’s chair out for her, bowing as she sits down and then pushes her in. He sits across from her.

The waiter arrives. “What can I get you guys to drink?”

“Nothing with alcohol.” Pam says quickly, adding a forced laugh at the end when the waiter looks at her weird. “Um, I’ll just have a tea.”

“And I’ll have a grape soda.” Jim says.

“Um, sir, this is Chili’s, not kindergarten. We don’t have grape soda.”

Jim rolls his eyes. “Okay, fine. I’ll just have a coke, then.”

“Cool. I’ll be back.”

As if no time had passed, they suddenly had their food and drinks in front of them. Pam had ordered chili and mashed potatoes while Jim ordered a burger and fries. They talk about how annoying Dwight is and how insane Michael is and how much they love each other.

“I love beans and meat with sour cream and cheese on top.” Pam says

“I love meat with cheese between two buns.” Jim says.

“See, now that’s what she said.” Pam says.

“Did Roy put cheese on his--” Jim starts.

“Ew, no.” Pam says in disgust. 

“I mean it would probably cause an infection, right?” Jim asks.

“Very itchy.” Pam answers.

Pam opens her mouth and then closes her lips over her spoon full of mashed potatoes. Many things require chewing, but mashed potatoes barely require any at all. 

“Your teeth don’t do much to these.” Pam says after she swallows her mashed potatoes.

Jim flicks a fry into his mouth. “I have to use my teeth a lot for my food.”

“You should have gotten the mashed potatoes, Jim.”

“Lol you’re right.”

They finish their meals, Jim having to chew and Pam not. 

“Waiter! Check!”

The waiter comes with the check and waits as Jim takes out his card. 

“Do you want to go to my house, Pam?”

“Pam?!??”

Both Jim and Pam look at the waiter in horror after realizing Jim used her real name. The waiter rips off Pam’s wig and his face turns red with anger. 

“You are BANNED from here!!! Get out of my restaurant!!!!!!”

Jim and Pam run from the restaurant hand in hand, giggling the whole way out. By the time they are outside, they’re bent over laughing. 

“That was so much fun, Pam!” Jim says.

“Jim, Let’s go to your house.” Pam says.

“Wait! But my car is still at work and your mom left!” Jim says worriedly. 

“So, let’s walk, Jim.” Pam says obviously. 

“My house is like two miles south and then a half mile east and then another mile north.” Jim states. 

“Let’s go.”

They start walking towards Jim’s house, Jim occasionally checking the compass in his pocket to make sure they’re going the right way. They make out at every cross walk and Jim carries Pam the whole way because he didn’t want her keds to lose their whiteness and he didn’t want Pam to lose her Dundie because he knows how excited she was about that award and he doesn’t ever want her to be super sad so he made sure her sneakers would be just as white as they were this morning. 

He puts her down in front of his door and unlocks the door. His roommate Mark is sitting on the couch and says hello when they walk in. 

“Hi Mark, can you leave???” Jim asks.

“Are you and Pam together now?” Mark asks.

“Yes.” Jim says.

“Cool. Bye.” Mark says.

Mark leaves the house. Jim takes Pam’s hand and goes to the couch. They sit down in a cozy way naturally. 

“I’m very cozy, Jim.” Pam says.

“As am I, Pam.” Jim says. 

“I’m bored, though.” Pam says with a loud sigh.

“Ok. Sorry.” Jim says.

It’s silent for a moment and then Jim sits up and exclaims, “Oh, we could bang!”

“Yeah!” Pam says.

Both Jim and Pam’s eyes immediately turn dark. Jim’s voice grows deep and raspy and sexy and he wiggles his eyebrows when he says, “Pam, I have a package for you.”

Pam smirks, “So deliver it.”

Jim immediately attacks her mouth with his. Tongues dance and lips battle and hands caress. Jim stands up and picks Pam up with him and leads her to the stairs. He sets her down on one of the middle steps and then goes to unbutton his pants. 

“What are you doing?” Pam asks. 

“What do you mean?” Jim asks back.

“Why are we on the stairs?” Pam asks back.

“Stairs are sex.” Jim says obviously.

“What?” Pam asks bewildered. 

“You know. Ascension.” Jim says.

“No. Take me to your bed.” Pam says.

“Ok.” Jim says. 

Jim picks Pam back up and carries her up the stairs and into his bedroom. He lays her down on the bed and clothes are ripped off almost violently. 

Pam looks down at him and grins, “That is large and I want all of it.”

“I love you, baby.” Jim says.

“I love you too, babe.” Pam replies.

Jim pushes forward and exclaims, “I PUT IT IN!!”

“Yeah!” Pam yells.

“Can I touch your knockers now?” Jim asks.

“Ok.” Pam says. 

“Sweet.” Jim says.

And then they banged. 

Jim holds Pam close as they lay in bed afterwards. 

“That was fun.” Pam says.

“Yep.” Jim says.

“I’m tired now so I'm going to go to sleep.”

“Alright.”

So, they went to sleep. When Jim woke up the next morning, Pam was gone, he was in pajamas, and when he checked his phone, Pam had texted him saying, “My mom is coming to visit today!! Yaaaay!!”

And so, he realized it was all a dream. But a good one and it happened that day for real. Which is how we learned Jim was psychic.

The end.