He was watching Conan when the phone rang. That’s how he knew that it was late. He also knew that he didn’t want to answer the phone. He was tired and annoyed and knew that whoever he spoke to next would fall victim to his mood. He had never wished that Michael would just fall into a bottomless chasm as hard as he had wished it today. Not only had he spilled the secret that Jim had confided, but he had spilled it to the entire office. He had enough trouble dealing with Kevin’s lewd comments, but when he made them about Pam, Jim wanted to physically hurt him. And it was all because Michael was a complete moron.
The phone continued to ring, and Jim sighed resolutely, trying to quiet his festering anger, before reaching over to pick it up.
“Yeah,” he said gruffly.
“Oh. I, um … were you … sorry, were you sleeping? I should …”
“Pam?” He sat up straight and felt his anger evaporate from his body.
“Yeah. I didn’t mean to … I’ll just go. Sorry.”
“No, I wasn’t sleeping,” he said, allowing himself a moment to smile at how flustered she sounded. “Conan promised interviews with Owen Wilson AND Vince Vaughn. How could I say no to two of the most influential members of the Frat Pack?”
She laughed distractedly before stammering, “Y-yeah, OK, sorry to call so late and interrupt your show.”
His face fell when he realised she wasn’t playing along. Something was up. “Pam? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she said, much too quickly.
“Did Roy not come home again?” He was used to getting calls from her, once every few months, after she’d had a bit too much wine and had waited up a bit too late for Roy to come home from his poker nights with Darryl.
“No. Well yeah. I mean, he’s not here. He’s spending the night with the guys. Didn’t wanna drive home.”
Jim could hear the richness of the red wine in her words. So it was one of those nights. So what? He could handle it. He wouldn’t grit his teeth and curse Roy over and over for upsetting Pam. He wouldn’t allow himself to think of the ‘if’s … if he were Roy, he’d take care of Pam. If he were Roy, he wouldn’t allow himself to miss any moments with her. If he were Roy, he’d be home every night making love to her until she couldn’t think …
He had to stop there. The familiar, dangerous feeling of lust was curling its way through his gut. You’re over her, he told himself. You said so today, in the kitchen, trying to read her face as you did. It was just a crush. It was just when she first got there. Seriously, it’s no big deal.
He hated lying to her. He also hated himself for not being able to tell her the truth, and for not being able to move on.
The silence on the line stretched a bit too long, prompting Pam to clear her throat and ask “Are you still there?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I am.” I just wish I were there with you, he thought.
Again, they sat without speaking. He turned the TV off and stretched his legs in front of him, waiting for her to start talking, to start getting angry about Roy, to start asking Jim why Roy couldn’t be more caring, more thoughtful, more in tune with her feelings, more like Jim.
“I was just wondering,” she said slowly. “If you meant what you said. Today.”
“You mean when I said Michael and I talked about politics over lunch? No. We actually had a very philosophical conversation about breasts. It was eye-opening.”
She sighed. So he did, too. Obviously, joking wasn’t on the menu for this conversation.
“No. When …” she paused. “When you said you were over me.”
He was quiet for a moment. “Pam …”
“It’s just that, I mean, I know. I shouldn’t ask. But when I went to give the expense reports to Michael, he … well, you know Michael. He can’t keep his mouth shut. And he sort of … implied that you had feelings for me. When we were on the Booze Cruise.”
“I don’t … think we should be talking about this, Pam,” he said softly.
“I know. But when we were on the deck …” she sounded like she was crying. He suddenly loathed himself. “I just … thought you wanted to tell me something.”
“Pam, you’re marrying Roy.”
There was a long silence, and he could hear her breathing. “What were you going to say to me on the boat, Jim.” It wasn’t a question. It was a plea.
“I … can’t, Pam.”
“Please. I just … need to know. I need to know if you were going to say what I hoped you would say.”
He ran his hands through his hair, cradling the phone in the crook of his neck. Now or never, Jim. Deny it all and go back to how it was. Admit it and risk the chance that you lose your best friend. Now or never.
“I … was going to tell you not to marry him.”
Her breath caught in her throat. “Why?”
“Because, Pam. Because I can’t stand the thought of never being with you. Of never being able to tell you that I love you.”
“Jim …” she breathed.
No one spoke for what felt like a day. “How drunk are you right now, Pam? Are you even going to remember this in the morning?”
He knew he sounded bitter. All his cards were on the table, and she didn’t even respond.
He heard her moving on the other end, listened to the sound of her breathing. Waited for her to speak.
“I can’t,” she finally whispered.
“Yeah,” he said, feeling his heart pounding against his ribs, trying to escape.
“I want to.”
Wow. He hadn’t expected that.
“I do, Jim. I just … can’t. Not yet. I have to think about things for a while.”
“OK,” he said after a moment.
They sat quietly. He didn’t dare move, didn’t dare consider what her words meant. He tried to tell himself that she was drunk, that she didn’t know what she was saying. She was angry with Roy and confused over what had transpired today, and when she woke up tomorrow, she wouldn’t have any recollection of this conversation. He could still hear her breathing, heard her breath catch every once in a while. Was she crying?
“Jim …” she murmured.
“Yeah?”
“… God, I want you.”
His body jolted with arousal at those four, breathy words. “What?”
“I want you. I want you here. I want you … with me,” she said softly, and he heard her breath hitch again.
“Pam … this is dangerous territory.”
“I don’t care,” she growled. He heard her gasp. He knew what she was doing, and the image of it suddenly assaulted his mind, and before he knew what had hit him, he was harder than he’d ever been.
“I can’t … I want to … but Roy …” he stuttered, wanting nothing more than to drive to her and bury himself within her. It wasn’t a new thought in his mind; he’d visited that fantasy, and many, many others late at night, alone in his bed with only visions of her to keep him going. But this was real and now and he couldn’t think and God, he needed her.
“Jim,” she groaned.
“Pam, what are you doing. What are we doing?”
She sighed softly before whispering “Just … let go. Just let go with me.”
His hand was already brushing lightly over his boxers. He hadn’t even realised it had moved. “God, Pam.”
“I know,” she replied.
They were quiet, but the silence spoke volumes. She was gasping into the phone, making little noises that were driving him crazy. He wrapped his hand around himself and grunted when he heard her moan his name again. He was so ready and so close and so afraid he would wake up alone any moment.
“Jim,” she whimpered. “I need …”
“What. Anything,” he murmured.
“Tell me. Tell me you love me.”
His grip tightened and his hips bucked off the couch. “I love you. I love you, and I can’t stop thinking about you.”
She groaned into the phone, and he felt the familiar tightening. “Jim. Oh, God, Jim, I’m gonna …”
“I know. Just … let go. We can let go.”
He heard her break on the other end, calling his name, panting, and his whole body shuddered violently as he came, for once finding relief in his release, and not agonizing loneliness.
The world slowly came back into focus. He heard her breathing slow.
“Jim …”
His heart clenched. He knew what was coming. “Yeah.”
“I just … needed you to know. Once.”
“I know.”
“But … I can’t. Not right now. I just need some time.”
“OK.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah, OK.” He wouldn’t break. He wouldn’t. “And Pam?”
She paused. “Yeah?”
“Don’t be afraid to let go. Because I’ll always be there to catch you.”
***
When he walked into work the next morning, he had expected her to avoid his eye, or worse, to meet her glance and find regret written all over her face.
But instead, she smiled slowly at him when he came up to grab a jellybean.
And he knew that she was starting to let go.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I was watching The Secret today and decided I needed to write some angsty smut. And there can never be enough phonesex fic out there.
I own nothing. Sigh.
falldownmore is the author of 11 other stories.
This story is a favorite of 13 members. Members who liked Let Go also liked 2355 other stories.
