A sickly bright floral shirt wears a man as he walks towards the camera in the front yard of a large Spanish villa. “Welcome to a brand spanking,” he says with a thrust and a smirk, “new series of Love Island. The sun's out, guns out,” he flexes his bicep and lifts a sleeve, revealing a paper white tan line, “and five sexy men are getting wet inside this villa.” He laughs, as if he is a child who has just said their first swear word. “For the next six weeks young, saucy singles will play the game of love and win each others hearts… and parts,” he looks off camera and laughs, “but only one couple can win the fifty thousand dollar prize, and be crowned this year’s winner of Love Island. I’m excited for this summer, and I’ll tell you why: there's gonna be sun, sex… swimming,” he takes a large pause, his face exposing the cogs in his brain, desperately hunting for another word, “champagne.” The camera cuts off.    

— 

Five men stand separately in the shallow end of the large pool, the water sitting at their ankles. “Five male aquantansies in a pool,” a man's voice narrates, “it reminds me of my first orgy,” the man speaks with such sincerity, “I’m Robert California and I have the pleasure of explaining to you what is going on. It’s a crazy concept, narrating - I describe a scene as I watch it, but you’re also watching it. How can I know what is going on? I’ve never met these people, I do not understand what they intend to do.” The floral man enters the backyard of the villa, “and here is Michael Scott, who seems to have the impression that this is his career defining boxing match.” Michael high fives the first three contestants, shadow boxes the next one, and splashing the shin of the last one.“I feel it is appropriate to remind you, our viewer, that this season is sponsored by Sandals Resort,” Michael shows his Sandals cap to the camera before standing, somewhat professionally, before the men. 

—

“Waddup, I’m Ryan, I’m 22, and I’m a business student slash entrepreneur,” Ryan poses beside a love heart in the studio, his bleach blonde hair almost overexposed under the bright studio lights. “Some people call me a wunderkind, my friends call me Rickety Ry, and the ladies call me Ryan… usually during the best sex of their life.” Ryan then poses in front of a blackboard chalked with complicated maths equations, like ‘1 + 1 = 53x’, “I’m really good at maths, but I can’t begin to imagine the figure of women I’ve slept with. The only figure I need to know is the one I’m in front of… or behind.” Ryan is back to the love heart, but this time is positioned behind it and smacks it, both distrubingly and erotically, “I’m coming to Love Island to have fun and win. In the club all the women are after me, and there’s just not enough time in the night for all of them, but here I have six uninterrupted weeks with sexy single women just begging for me. I’m going to take each of them for a test drive,” he says the next line with a wink, “you’re welcome boys.”

— 

“Ryan,” Ryan nods as Michael begins to talk, “You’re smoking hot,” he states as if Ryan just popped up out of thin air, “I bet women are just lining around the block for you…”

“They sure are Miche-”

“Do you need a wingman? Or a best friend?” Michael interrupts.

“The editing team have saved you here, this was a ten minute, very one sided conversation where acquaintances become best friends, in the most nonconsensual way, that feels almost parasocial,” Robert California narrates.

—

A man in a suit, or more accurately, a man in pastel pink slacks, a yellow shirt paired with a blue and orange tie, and a beige blazer stands before a white wall projected with a video navigating his instagram feed. He smiles in multiple selfies with people who don’t seem interested, he stands on boats, and accompanies five men on stage with microphones. “My name is Andy, I’m 24, I went to Cornell, and now I am a steward on a ship,” he poses with a guitar, his smile showing all teeth, “I’m coming on Love Island to find my wife. I’ve already put down a deposit for a wedding band, that band being my Cornell acapella group, Here Comes Treble, but with a twist,” he states in a hushed tone, as if this isn't being broadcasted nationwide, “my old bandmates and I will be reuniting and singing with the new group, how awesome is that?” 

—

“So Andy, what's your type?” Michael askes.

“I’ll take anything at this point, if I’m being honest I’m really lonely.” 

“That's so interesting, not that he is lonely - he is human, being lonely is a very normal human response. Humans are social creatures, we need other species just as we need air, water, and food. But what is interesting in Andy’s statement is how unashamed he is,” Robert California offers.

—

“Dwight K. Schrute. 26. Beet farmer,” he stands in denim overalls, no shirt beneath, a strand of hay between his teeth, leaning against a love heart, “I’m here to win, idiot. Why else would I be here?”

—

“Dwight.”

“Yes, Michael.” Dwight stands almost naked, the audience’s vision saved with a pair of speedos gripping his manhood as if it were in danger of falling into the pool.

“What are you looking for in a lady?” Michael askes.

“What I look for in a female: perky breasts, a height between 5 foot 3 and 5 foot 8, child bearing hips, and submission.”

“Interesting, a man whose mating desires has not been swayed by society,” Robert California states. 

—

“Hey, my name is Toby. I’m 25, and I’m an aspiring author. Right now I’m working on a mystery novel, Chad Flenderman in a Murder For Framing.” He sits at a typewriter, the camera reveals the paper he is typing on, it says ‘I love you’. “My usual type was the girl next door, but I actually dated my Grandma’s next door neighbour and now she’s trying to sue me, so…” he stands beside a love heart, “I think I just want a nice, supportive, down-to-earth girl.”

—

“Toby.”

“Hello,” Toby says, sweetly.

“Why are you here?”

“I’m here to find lo-”

“No, why are you here?” Michael exclaims.

“I’m surprised they asked Michael to present again after last year's incident.” Robert California says as archive footage from last year's Love Island final begins to play. 

—

“You won the  fifty thousand dollars?” Michael askes to the winning couple on live television. They are standing on a stage just beside the deepest end of the pool, Michael is trying to snatch the cheque off the happy couple, “I don’t even get paid that much, wha- that's so unfair, all you did was sit around for six weeks.” Michael gets more aggressive with his snatching, “YOU DIDN’T EVEN HAVE SEX!” He snatches the cheque but stumbles, falling headfirst into the pool. 

—

“I’m Jim, 23, and I’m a salesman in New York. I’m here because of my mom.” He leans in front of the love heart, back touching it and his legs outstretched, a lopsided grin planted on his face. “Something about wanting me to settle down and find love… and she loves the show. Hi, Mom.” He sits on the studio floor, the bright white studio wall beneath him, multiple puppies pawing for attention licking his hands and face, “Yeah, women call me a charmer. But they are usually seventy years old and friends of my Nanna’s. Personally, I just think they are trying to soften me up so they can steal my bingo winnings.” Jim has returned to a dog free zone beside the love heart, “My type is… moms. Soccer moms, single moms… Nah, I’m just playing. I just want someone I can have fun with, someone who gets me, I want to find my best friend. No offence to my buds back home.” 

—

“Jimothy.”

“Mike,” Michael looks to the camera, amused as if he has found his match. 

“If I could make your dream girl walk through those doors right now, how would you react?” Michael askes.

Jim thinks for a second, “I’d be like,” he continues in an overly excitable way, “woah Michael, your Mom’s here!”

“Another natural human instinct, masking pain with humour.” Robert California narrates.

—

“So, let's bring out the first lady. And watch the guys, guys. No need to build a tent when you’ll be sleeping in a villa tonight,” Michael laughs, biting his bottom lip in humour. All the men look disturbed, except for Dwight who holds his crotch.

A petite brunette walks through the doors of the villa, wearing a purple bikini. 

—

“Hi, I’m Erin, I’m 23, and I’m a receptionist,” she poses with a telephone, rather provocatively. “The villa reminds me of being an orphan, I just hope I get picked this time,” she says seriously into the camera. “I want someone cool, funny, and totally hot.” 

—

“Let me introduce you to Erin,” Michael announces. 

Erin stands by Michael, who lunges towards her for a hug - she happily accepts it. 

“If they are interested in Erin, the boys must step forward. It amazes me - how far we have come in society. The human race used to be hunters and gathers, and now we take a step forward in the shallow end of a swimming pool to show our initial attraction to others,” Robert California says. 

Toby, Ryan and Andy step forward.

“Wow, Erin. You have three men all falling at your feet, how do you feel?”

“I feel like I’m in Mamma Mia,” Erin answers honestly.

“Right! Well, choose your father! Ooh.” Michael continues with what seems to be a Darth Vader impression, “Erin, I am your father.”

“I have been told to let the viewers know that CBS does not condone incest,” Robert California says, very seriously.

“So, you can choose from Ryan, Andy or Toby,” he leans in closer to Erin and whispers very loudly, but equally as serious, “don’t choose Toby. You can choose Jim or Dwight, but they didn’t step forward for you so don’t waste your time on those idiots.”

“Oh, um, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, I’m sure you’re all lovely… but, I choose Andy.” 

Andy runs towards Erin, causing ripples in the water and then stamps damp footprints onto the dry ground. He spins her round in a hug, “HEY, NO RUNNING BY THE POOL,” Dwight shouts as he walks over to the new couple. Jim looks wide eyed into the camera. 

“I’ve been told to remind the viewer not to run by pools, it is very dangerous,” Robert California says.

—

“Ahhhhh!” a girl shrieks as she walks through the doors, her bikini bright pink and deafening.

—

“Oh my god, Hi! I’m Kelly, I’m 23 and I’m totally hot,” she poses before the love heart, pouting and sticking her tongue out, both extremely seductively, “so I’m coming on Love Island because of my ex, he was like,” she continues in a ‘man voice’, “if you wanna find love go on Love Island or something, I’m just here for your body.” She returns to her not-so-normal, normal Kelly voice, “and I was like Babe! Oh my god, firstly so cute he wants my body but like I thought I’d have to beg to be allowed to come on Love Island.” She chases a puppy around the white studio wall, very symbolic of Indiana Jones, the puppy being Indiana Jones and Kelly being the boulder, “I will find love, if I don’t I will kill myself,” she finishes with a shrug and sweet smile, as if that isn’t even an option that could happen. 

—

“Hey, boys,” she announces as she waltzes right up to Michael. “Oh my god it’s Michael Scott! You were so funny last year, but you’re like so much shorter than I thought, which is so totally crazy because you’re on tv and my tv is like sosmall, so you’d think I’d be like oh my god you’re real!” Kelly squeals in a pitch that by some miracle was not only heard by dogs. 

The boys watch on in horror or shock, or just complete confusion. 

“What an interesting young lady,” Robert California mutters.

—

“So boys, please step forward if you like Kelly,” Michael announces. Kelly squeals in reply.

“Kelly reminds me of summer. A Cicada's song will echo across the green, its high pitch frequency hurting my ears until the pain becomes numbed, and then the sound is nothing but a dull ache you forget is there until there is silence,” Robert California adds.

A pause presents itself, which would usually suggest a tactic to build suspense if it wasn't in one shot. The boys look side to side, a silent plea for somebody to step forward. Until Ryan steps forward, looking sheepish, he has not made eye contact with the other boys. Kelly squeals again, Ryan winces.

“So Dwight, you didn’t step forward. Why?” Michael asks.

“Kelly’s intelligence seems far below average, even for a woman,” Dwight states, very matter-of-factly. 

“How about you, Jimmy boy?”

“Well Michael my man, I just knew as soon as she stepped out she was for Ryan,” he replies as he reaches over, slapping Ryan on the shoulder. 

“Ahh, I knew I’d find love,” Kelly squeals as she runs over to Ryan, pulling him in for a hug, kissing him sloppily on the cheek. 

Dwight scowled at Kelly, shaking his head at her running by the pool.

—

“Hi, I’m Karen, I’m 24 and I’m a social media influencer.” Karen’s Instagram posts project on a white wall behind her, she is posing with various branded items - all blurred for legal reasons. “I work with brands to grow their platform and increase their sales. I earnt this privilege with my looks, personality, and hard work.” She poses beside the love heart, money raining down in slow motion around her. “I’m looking for a man who is hard working, good looking and aspiring,” she poses seductively in just a blazer, leaving little to the imagination, “I definitely relate to TLCs ‘No Scrub’”.

— 

Karen struts through the back door, wearing a black bikini and six inch heels. The boys look with wide eyes and slightly parted lips. Karen assesses her prey, sending a wink as she catches their eye. 

“Wow, hi Karen. You are very exotic looking, was your dad a GI or?” Karen is unimpressed, “Thank you for, uh, being hot. Wow, am I right guys?” Michael looks towards the men for validation, all looking confused at his lack of cool, but Dwight nods assertively. 

“Hey boys,” Karen sends a flirtatious wave, still staring each boy down.

“If the patriarchy were dismantled, this is how women would act. I’m not stating whether or not that is a positive or negative revelation. This is a woman in power, turning her prey into jelly,” Robert California adds. 

“You know the drill, step forward if you are interested in Karen. I mean look at her, you should all stand forward… except for you Toby, you don’t stand a chance so don’t embarrass yourself,” Michael commands. 

Andy, Ryan, Toby, and Jim stand forward. Kelly holds Ryan’s hand when he stands in front of her, he winces at the heavy grip she has on him.

“Plenty of choice here for you Karen, but you have to choose only one to couple up with.” He then leans closer to whisper very quietly so only himself, Karen, and the microphone can pick it up, “if you want me, blink twice and I’ll meet you in the bathroom at midnight.” He stares at her for a second, she blinks once. He coughs, “let me introduce you to the menu. Andy, currently coupled with Erin, shows how loyal he is. Ryan, very hot, like yourself. Toby. James,” 

“Jim,” Jim corrects him.

“He’s my best friend in here. Look closely, as the wind blows his shirt you can see his abs,” everyone stares at Jim waiting for the wind. Erin starts blowing despite being metres away. Jim looks to the camera and pulls his shirt closed self consciously. “You could also choose Dwight, but, who would want that?” Dwight looks offended.

“I’m going to choose Jim,” Karen states as she walks over to Jim, she pulls him in for a quick hug before standing beside him holding his waist.

“With Karen, I feel as if we are viewing a parallel universe where women are on top of the food chain. She is at risk of hurting herself. If she digs her claws into the male, yes it will pierce his skin, but if she fails to let go as he tries to walk away, her claws are in danger of ripping out. And then what can she hold on to?” Robert California says.

—

A blonde woman walks into the back yard, wearing a three quarter sleeved dress that surpasses her knees. 

—

“Hello, my name is Angela Martin, I am an accountant, and it is rude to ask a lady for her age.” She stands unamused beside the love heart, her lips tight and arms crossed. “The only reason I came on here is because you said I’d get plenty of prayer time.” An image of her holding a cat whilst dressed as a cat displays on screen. “I’ll be fine if I leave here without finding love. I already have an important man in my life, and his name is God,” she states, very seriously. 

—

“Hello Michael,” she says, delicately.

“Missed the memo Angela, all the babes have their boobs out,” Michael snorts. Angela folds her arms. “Well, I guess step forward if you want Angela,” he says in a huff.

Dwight steps forward, puffing his chest out. A slight smile secretly tugs at Angela's lips. Ryan steps forward after a few moments.

“Seriously, Ryan? Her?” Kelly complains.

“Dwight, why did you step forward?” Michael askes. 

“Angela is very respectable, she does not flaunt her femine assets in order to manipulate men,'' Dwight says, shooting a scowl at the other women, especially Karen.

“How about you Ryan? This is four for four.” 

“I’m just keeping my options open, Michael.”

“You’re hot, why not!”

“I choose Dwight,” Angela states as she walks slowly to the man himself. Dwight is puffing his chest out, looking down on the rest of the men.

“Spectating this event shows the similarities to other species. It’s marvellous how far the human race has come. With the evolution of capitalism we have never been further from our ancestors. Yet, watching these beings fight for a mate, and in term fighting for survival, displays behaviour similar to that seen in other mammals,” Robert California says.

— 

“Hi, I’m Pam, I’m 22, and I’m an art student,” Pam stands in denim short overalls, a white short sleeve top underneath whilst multicoloured paint splashing her in slow motion. “I’m having a year where I push myself completely out of my comfort zone, so here I am.” She paints the love heart. “I have a dream where I’m on my terrace - I have a terrace in my dream - I’m painting these beautiful flowers that sit just in front of me, but I’m a total klutz and I always forget to water them. But the flowers are always vibrant and beautiful, but I never water them. When I’m painting the one I love comes out, he puts a mug of tea on the table beside me, and when I look up to get the angle of a leaf, he’s pouring water onto the soil, then he retreats back through the window.” The shot returns to Pam’s talking head, she looks lost in thought as she pauses her sentence, then she looks into the camera. “I want someone who thinks about watering the flowers, someone who cares enough to look after these things you forget about so easily”.

—

Pam walks through the back door of the villa, smiling at Michael and the other contestants. 

“This is Pam everybody!” Pam waves as Michael announces. 

“I feel like I’ve turned up late to the party,” she jokes.

“Well, we’re glad you’re here, Pam. You are smokin’.” 

“Oh, thanks Michael.” Pam shoots a questioning look to the camera, as if asking the crew if this kind of talk is allowed, or even legal. 

“For the last time boys, step forward if you want a chance with cute little Pammy,” Pam cringes as Michael speaks.

The camera catches Karen’s hand grip tighter around Jim’s waist, his eyes watching the ripples of the water as Ryan, Toby and Andy step forward. 

“Andy, anything you’ve got to say to Pam to sell yourself?” 

“Pam, if you choose me I will keep the Nard-Dog’s nard dogs to himself tonight,” Andy replied.

“Oh, um, thanks Andy,” Pam looks at the rest of the contestants to see if anybody else found it weird. She meets Jim’s gaze, his eyes shining with a glint of humour. He raises an eyebrow, a suggestive kind of expression, taunting her to go with Andy. She shakes her head with a smile, breaking eye contact and focuses on what Michael is saying.

“Only Toby remains single, but honestly Pam it’s not worth it. Just let him die alone.”

“Michael, I’m going to go with Toby,” Pam says with surety. 

“Dammit Pam, wha- no!” 

Pam walks over to Toby, who hugs her tightly. The mic squashed in the hug muffles his words, “thank you, Pam”.

“Toby reminds me of a dog at an adoption centre, watching families walk by with such hope, tail wagging each time. Then one morning a little girl stands before the dog, hands gripped tightly to the bars, she shouts, ‘Daddy! Daddy! This dog here, I want him!” Robert California states.

—

“Love Island will be right back after the break,” Robert California informs.