"And that is dribbling," Jim said gesturing towards the television with his chin as he and Jill caught the highlights. "Not the kind of dribbling you do...like now," he said reaching down to wipe off her mouth and his thumb. "But this kind is with a ball...and the ball goes in the net..."

Jill made a sound that definitely noted approval and Jim laughed.

"Exactly. I'm with you."

The knock on the door came as a complete surprise. It was nearing 9 pm on a Friday night. Jim glanced at the door and groaned as he lifted himself and Jill from the couch.

These days the only person that showed up unannounced was Mr. Jensen their annoying downstairs neighbor.

"Gotta take a break from Sports Center, Jill" he said as he hoisted his daughter further up his shoulder. She turned towards him, swiveling her head in order to see what was going on.

"Hey," he whispered, marveling for a moment at how alert she was these days. "Don't get too excited...mommy would just use her key.....Who is it?"

"Dwight K. Schrute."

Instead of moving towards the door, Jim took a step back. Seriously? A visit from Dwight on a Friday night was even more annoying than one from Mr. Jensen! What the...

"Um...who?"

"Is Jim Halpert there?"

"No, I'm sorry he's not."

"Jim...I can tell it's you. Open the door."

"Who is this?" Jim asked, smiling down at Jill when she made a blubbering noise with her lips. "We don't know who that is," he whispered to her. "He's a stranger...We never talk to strangers."

"Open up Jim. I know you're there. I can hear you. I have some very important business to take care of."

"Well there's a gas station just down the street for that, so..."

"Not that," Dwight said though his teeth.

"What do you want Dwight?"

"I'm here to do you -

"That's what she said....sorry," Jim added, looking down at his daughter as if he might have offended her delicate sensibilities. "

"A public service," Dwight said finishing from the other side of the door.

"Well we don't subscribe to public services, so..."

"Jim just open the door. 20/20 just showed a very interesting feature and I'm very worried about Jill."

Jim and Jill exchanged glances. "Excuse me?"

"There was a recall..."

"On Jill?"

"No damn it just open up, Jim or I'll be forced to make a citizen's arrest."

"Um, I thought you weren't a volunteer sheriff anymore."

"I'm not, but you don't have to be to make a citizen's arrest."

"Well you do have to be inside to do that. And I'm not letting you in...and I haven't done anything that you could arrest me for, so...not sure what you're talking about."

"Jim, I could and will break down this door if you don't allow me inside."

"Well that's destruction of property so I'd have to have you arrested. By a real police officer, not a volunteer one."

"Damn it...ok, Jim if you don't want to know about the danger that your child is in, then so be it. But I will report you to child protective services."

Jim sighed and yanked the door open. "Dwight, what do you want? It's Friday night and they don't pay me enough for this."

"So...it's not like you're doing anything," Dwight said as he glanced around, taking in the empty pizza container on the coffee table, along with a baby bottle. He turned back to Jim and Jill. "You're sitting here watching...what is that?"

"It's Jill."

"No...I mean what's on TV."

"That's basketball."

"Ooh....yes," Dwight said disgustedly as he moved farther in. He stopped for a moment to glance at Jill. "Hello tiny one."

Jim tightened his embrace on the baby.

Without another word, Dwight kneeled in front of the living room wall. He surveyed the expanse of their entertainment center, he sighed and started to pull the unit away from the wall, but couldn't seem to manage it. After a few grunts and groans he looked up at Jim.

"Um...do you mind?"

Jim frowned. "Very much."

Dwight grit his teeth and Jim lost patience once more. He'd just finished dealing with this guy for the last eight hours! What had he done to deserve this extra quality time with Dwight?

"Do I mind what, Dwight!"

"Please help me move your entertainment center."

"I can't."

"Jim."

"I'm holding Jill so..."

"So isn't there a place you can put her? What is she...an invalid?"

"No."

"Jim I need to inspect your electrical outlets. It's very important that they are covered with childproof plastic...things."

Jim tried to think of another reason but decided to go with his first, only he added a little something extra to piss off Dwight.

"Well I can't put her down because she'll cry if I do...so..."

Dwight sighed. "Figures...spoiled."

"Dwight you can't move the entertainment center."

"Uh...exactly Jim. That's why I'm asking for your assistance. But you can't be bothered because you're too much of a girl to put down the child."

Jim sighed in frustration. "Dwight. If you can't move the entertainment system to get to the electrical outlet than how the hell is Jill gonna do it?"

Dwight stared at him for a moment, and then stood up. "Well then...such heavy equipment shouldn't be around either ....it could...crush her.......Show me to your kitchen."

Jim merely glanced to the side in gesture towards the kitchen.

"Oh...small apartment...Like a coffin. Aren't you assistant regional manager now? I'd think you'd be able to afford more than this."

"Wow."

"Although I can see why they haven't increased your salary. Since you got married your productivity has gone way down. I liken it to a prize fighter. A prize fighter isn't going to be on top form unless he's sex deprived. I prefer to be in prize fighting shape all the time," Dwight said absently as he moved into the kitchen.

Jim stood there for a moment, processing that. "I thought you had a girlfriend, Dwight."

"I do...and she respects my decision."

"So glad."

"You on the other hand have slipped."

"You know...that's really ok."

Dwight was mercifully quiet for a few moments as he inspected the outlets and appliances. But it didn't last long.

Jim was reaching into the refrigerator to pull out a chocolate pudding cup when he spoke again.

"Barbara Walters says it's amazing how many parents still do not know the basics on how to childproof their homes. I figured you were among the many who are clueless."

"Interesting...we're actually not. So if that's all you came for, you can actually leave now."

"Where's Pam? She'll be far more reasonable about this. Also, she probably has a better idea of dangerous kitchen appliances can be..." he said absently roaming into the kitchen then. "A Foreman Grille...of course."

"Well we're not gonna stick Jill's foot in it...so it's fine."

Because Jill's eyes were busily following Dwight, Jim opened up the pudding and scooped out a bit for her. Pam was wrong. She was ready for this. She loved it.

He laughed as she mouthed around for some more.

Dwight shook his head. "More than one safety issue I can see. Do you know the nutritional value of pudding?......Where's Pam? It's night time. She should be at home. With her child."

Jim shook his head as Jill continued to mush down the pudding. "She's out with Kelly."

"Bad idea. But I wouldn't presume to tell you how to manage your wife."

Jim's eyebrows shot up as he watched Dwight pull their coffee maker away from the wall, inspecting the outlet, the plug, and then...the filter.

"So glad you wouldn't be presumptuous about my management skills...thank you."

"Just don't come crying to me when their cycles begin to coincide."

"I promise I won't."

"You should be careful. As soon as Jill hits pre-adolescence you should keep her as far away from Pam as possible. If you don't, together they'll wreck havoc on your plumbing, make your life a living hell...especially if you still live here. I bet the plumbing is horrible in this old place."

Jim lifted his eyebrows at Jill, who promptly squealed in response. Jill's reactions to his facial expressions lately almost made up for Dwight being there.

"Thank you."

"If I have daughters I'm going to forbid them to menstruate, so..."

"Wow how about you go back to checking my electrical outlets."

"You actually have child covers installed in those...they look good. Pam did a nice job."

Jim eased along side him to take a look. There were little plastic guards filling all the holes. Hmm...

"From your shocked expression, I can only assume that Pam has done all the safe-guarding. Typical...your approach to much of life is so....haphazard. Did Pam make this list as well?" Dwight said then, glancing at the refrigerator. The No-Jill list was hung prominently.

"Uh...we made that together."

"You two have to remind yourselves not to give your child alcoholic beverages?"

"Sometimes."

Dwight shook his head disapprovingly and began to read. "The following items are not allowed within 5 feet of Jill: jello, staplers, coins...rattles?"

Jim pointed to it. "That's supposed to be followed by snakes....Sorry...Can't believe we forgot that.

Dwight sighed. "No wonder you need a list." Turning back, he kept reading. "Salsa, wasabi, horseradish, hamburgers -

"She can't really get her mouth around -

"Buttons, paint, paint brushes, knives, forks, breasts -

Jim reached up to scratch the back of his head, then pointed to the list. "That's a little hard to explain..."

Pam was trying to wean her off of breast feeding and she'd only recently updated the list to include breasts. This was the problem with their list...it was kind of made under the assumption that no one besides them would ever see it.

Dwight continued to read. "Todd Packer, People Magazine, Nicholas Cage, pickles, rodents, beets...

"Why did you put that on there?" Dwight sighed. "Is it because you know I love beets? Jim...beets would be the best thing for Jill. They are healthy -

"Make you gag."

"Delicious -

"Disgusting"

"And provide you with all the vitamins that you need to lead a healthy active life." Dwight managed finally, forcefully.

"Wait...uh, I thought you just needed to abstain from sex."

"Damn it...what else is on this idiotic list," Dwight said pulling it off the refrigerator.

"Careful," Jim said moving closer.

"God how many things are on here? Are you that forgetful Jim? Maybe I really will call child protective services"

"Only two hundred forty-five, at last count...that's not a lot. That's the third edition of the list."

Jim snickered as Dwight continued to read in dismay. "Hooters, Monopoly, ninja stars, nunchucks," he sighed. "Nun chucks is two words."

"Thanks for the tip."

"Bullets, sling shots, Dwigt...What's Dwi..." Dwight's voice trailed off and Jim stilled.

Crap. He'd forgotten they'd put Dwigt on there as a joke upon edits to the last edition.

Pam had said it was too mean to put Dwight's name on it, but they could put Dwigt.

Dwight turned to stare at Jim. "My name is spelled D-W-I-G-H-T. How many times do I have to tell you that Jim?"

"Pretty sure that's gonna be the last time."

Dwight slammed down the plastic C and H he'd been about to apply to their kitchen faucets.

"I come here to help you in some much needed child proofing and I am listed on your child proof list....I'll just be leaving."

Jim felt bad as Dwight started towards the door. "Oh man...come on...Dwight, we didn't mean anything by it. It was just a joke anyway...We actually have a neighbor named Dwigt."

"Oh!...Really Jim? Dwight said spinning around when he got to the door.

Jim shook his head. "No....But...listen...it's not even true anyway. I'll prove it to you...here...you can hold Jill."

"You've never let me hold Jill."

It was true. He hadn't held her on Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, he hadn't held her on any of the subsequent days Pam had brought her into the office and this was the first time he'd ever been to the apartment so...

Jill was nearing 5 months of age, and Dwight had never held her. Up until now Jim had taken a special kind of pride in that fact.

"Well," Jim said swallowing. "Then...it's time, right? Here you go...Jill," Jim began, introducing them. "This is Dwight...one of daddy's co-...friends. So...don't slobber on him...or try not to."

Jill went to Dwight a bit stiffly at first, but relaxed quickly as Jim moved into view and smiled at her.

Dwight pursed his lips together and said nothing for a long moment.

"She understands words, Dwight."

"No...I..." Dwight looked at him and Jim was shocked and completely disturbed to see a very light sheen of tears in his eyes. "She's...she's very beautiful Jim."

Jim folded his arms across his chest and smiled. "Yeah...thank you."

"Thank Pam, Jim...I didn't have sex with you."

"Proof that God exists...yes."

"Your bottles weren't the ones recalled."

Jim narrowed his gaze. This was the most insane interaction he'd ever had in his home. "That's...great."

"Pam can continue to wean Jill off of her breasts."

Jim reached out for his daughter. "You can just...give her back now."

Dwight handed her over, smiling at her as she moved into her daddy's arms. He watched as Jim kissed her cheek where a smudge of chocolate was.

He pulled the plastic C and H from his pocket. "Here are these. She's going to need to know what's hot and what's cold."

Jim nodded once. "Will do. Thank you."

Dwight nodded back and moved for the door, opening it and stepping over the threshold. "Good night Jim."

Jim smiled. "Thanks for the tips Dwight. Good night."

Jim shut the door and locked it behind him. He looked at Jill. "That's why he's on the list."

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