Dear Pam,

While you were in those final minutes of labor and I was doing...well nothing, I had the briefest flash of something that I could do. I started thinking about what a great mom you already were. How you were already thinking ahead and how I wished I was a little better at that...so, I was inspired by your idea of our keeping a journal for Jill. I figured that since you were making me... oooh wait, since you had inspired me to share my thoughts and feelings with her...that maybe I might do the same with you. So, a few moments ago I ran downstairs to the gift shop, praying that they had some kind of journal...and they did- with puppies on it. You like puppies...so I guess it's ok, but it still seems a little less like the sentiment I was going for.  Based on the level of lame that the inside of this journal turns out to be you will either receive this journal on your very first Mother's Day...or you wont.  

So here goes my very first set of thoughts and feelings (not ever - just tonight):

I love you.

I know. I know. Goes without saying right? I mean how could I not? But Man alive, what you went through these past several hours...I could not even fathom having been through. (Alright, this is turning out not to be as romantic as I thought it would be). But I just...We have a daughter Pam. And we have her because of you. Because you brought her here with blood, sweat and tears. For this, and because of this, I love you about a 1000 times more than I did yesterday. And there was a pretty high level of love already, Bees. You can do anything. That's about the only thing in life I'm certain of.

Wow. So this might be pretty sappy at times...so you know - try not to laugh. Thank God for the written word, huh? Could you imagine if I said this stuff in person? (Ok so sometimes I do), but not this sappy. This is like teeth rotting sap.

I'm looking at her right now...Jill  - our daughter. I just finished with her journal entry and I just still can't believe it. Jill Marie Halpert is beautiful (don't get me wrong - I'm with you - she wasn't when she first came out, but she is now). You'll be very happy when you wake up. A clean baby is a better baby.

You're beautiful. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. To infinity...thank you.

Your husband on the first day of our first child's life,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Whoa. I did not expect that. Breast feeding? I think maybe I didn't understand what it actually was when we first talked about it. I mean... obviously, I knew it. We talked about it. You told me you wanted to give it a go...but seriously. That's - that's crazy. I mean I literally think it's insane.

I just can't reconcile that breasts...can do that. I mean I love breasts. I am the biggest proponent of breasts - your breasts in particular. But I just don't understand how it happens. One day there is no milk at all - I mean I don't know about you, but I've never encountered any during my explorations of that area. Then...the next day - there is. I mean I know it wasn't literally "the next day". But it certainly did happen fast! Nine months? Nine months is all it takes for breasts to fill up with milk? Are you SERIOUS? I mean it's not even that they just fill, it's that it's produced. Produced and stored and then used! It literally just COMES OUT. .I know...I know. I'm sounding like Michael. Michael would be this astonished by lactation. Well here's to Michael, because God help me I am perplexed...You know, I think we should give a hardy cheers to Michael because it must be difficult being him - this perplexed all the time. Yes, so cheers to Michael! And cheers to you Pam - with a big heaping helping of breast milk!

Wow,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Redacted. Don't know what I was thinking. REDACTED.  I can only blame the previous entry on lack of sleep. Surely you can understand.

Shamefully,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

I can't think of a time when I've had this much fun. I am slightly delirious...I think we both are. The haze that I find myself in is a real thing...but good. There was a moment today when she was crying, and you looked at me and I looked at you...and we suddenly just started busting up. It was probably completely inappropriate. I mean our daughter - or baby girl - was crying her lungs out and we just...laughed. So wrong...but Pam it had to be done, and God I'm so glad I'm going through this with you. You are...perfect. You are thinking what I'm thinking and thank God you are.

Beesly, I'm not even sure I showered today. I'm sure you'll tell me once I come to bed....but wow. I do not think I've ever been this tired or this f-ing happy. Pam, it's midnight and I should be asleep because she's gonna wake up in two hours.

What am I telling you that for, right? Jill is fun but so high maintenance...I mean seriously. Like we have all night and day to just be at her beck and call? Drama.

Coming to bed now,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

You are so good at this. I keep looking for the Cliff's Notes or something on your side of the bed, but I haven't found any yet so I've come to the conclusion that you either took a class without me or you are just much better at this than I am.

You know all kinds of things - like songs that I've never heard of, facial expressions that I've never seen....and you can make a toy out of anything. Seriously - an old glove, a sock, a paper plate, dishwashing liquid, a box of tissues...the list seems endless. Yesterday I tried to entertain Jill with my watch.

She did not seem amused.

In learning who this new little person is, I find that I'm learning more and more about who you are. You're the kind of mom every kid wishes they had. You're warm, and sweet, and beautiful, and funny, and whenever you kiss her little toes I think I fall in love with you all over again. Pretty sure you've got it locked down with her too.

Happy to know you,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam

You thought about giving her away today. I know you did. That's ok though, you're still a good mom. I know you had good foster parents picked out for her.

Glad you rethought that,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

I'm going back to work today. SUCK-Y.

I'm going to miss you so much. I wonder if guys are supposed to get as worked up over this stuff. Is that sexist? I hope not. I just really miss you already. You're sleeping and so is Jill. I don't want to leave my girls - how's that for being confident in my masculinity? I miss you already.

I know you're worried about being alone with her, but you shouldn't be. I'm the one who should be worried about today. You two will bond, do girl stuff together and decide to leave me out of it completely. The Halpert Trio will become a duo and that'll be that. You'll be secretly giggling about something when I come home. You'll have painted each other's toenails and decided that boys are yucky.

Please don't call me Yucky,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Wow, two entries in one day. Unbelievable, right? I must be really dedicated and sweet....OR I'm an idiot.

Listen, I know we've already made up, but I feel the need to document this day in history since it's my first huge fuck-up. I say that not with cockiness, but just in recognition of the fact that you and I have made it this far without any major blow-outs. That's huge, right? I mean we've argued before, but never like this. Until today, I'd never been scared that things might not be the same when I saw you again.

You know, on the way home tonight I started thinking back to when we were first dating and I knew this day would come. In fact, a part of me actually wanted it to happen back then. Not so that we could go through this part, but so I could show you how deeply flawed I was (am). Sometimes back then - in the beginning of this part of us - the way you looked at me was scary. Like I could never do anything remotely wrong. Even when I was just a guy who slept over and happened to load the dishwasher. You didn't look at me like that today.

Thank you for loving me anyway,  

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Tonight was so weird. I guess because we've been avoiding the topic of not having sex for a long-long-long time. I think I said something like ‘it doesn't matter,' when you got all down on yourself...and I know I corrected myself but I don't think I did it clearly...because obviously it matters. When I'm not with you, I miss you (in all the ways that someone can miss someone that they are very attracted to). But I can deal. I'm not going to die. I dealt with not being with you, for a long time and I can deal with it for awhile longer. It'll be hard, but doable (That's what she said!)

Pam, you made us a baby...I think you can pretty much hold out on anything you want to. Seriously...I'm so in love with you. Relax.

Love,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

I love so much about the things Monopoly chooses to be.

Wow,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

In the name of all that's holy, apparently it is abstinence that makes the heart grow fonder.

Do you think we should hold a seminar or something because that was...

Wow,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Ok. I love you in pretty much anything you wear to bed. Your old t-shirts, my old t-shirts, nothing at all. But lingerie...not half bad. I've never been a lingerie guy, seriously. I don't want to get too much into that. But, that thing you wore last night...

You make me want 69 Cup of Noodles,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

I love you.

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

A No-Jill List??? This is exactly why I married you.

Let's make out,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

If I could take back ever being with anyone else...I wouldn't. I know - romantic right? But there it is...If I had never been with anyone else and I had met you immediately - right out of the gate - I wouldn't realize what I have in you (I know me - I wouldn't have. Way too self-involved...Unbelievable I know, but it's true)

I know there are certain things that will always royally piss the both of us off. Certain names that when we hear them...might always make our skin crawl. You have yours and you know better than anyone that I have mine. But who even cares anymore? I mean really!

Pamela Halpert you are perfect and everything I want.

I love YOU,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

How long before we have to stop having sex in the kitchen? And as an aside...now you know why I wanted three kitchens, don't you?

Thinking ahead,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Stop snorting cocaine and read to your child once in awhile ok? Jeez. So tired of this.

Bored at work,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

OK! You were right - the lyrics are not "after all the hooey we've been through...I will make it up to you. I promise you". I just Googled. It is in fact "after all that we've been through." Sorry, I couldn't bring myself to be wrong face to face.

But seriously who sings that way,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Uh...how the hell do you do it?

I love Jill. Jill and I had a great time. Don't take this as a reason not to leave us alone together, or as me complaining...because it's not a complaint - we had a blast. But she takes so much energy. After a day alone with my daughter I am completely and totally worn out! I thought about laying her in a basket and sailing her down the river, but then I thought about how much her grandparents would miss her so...

Listen, do you feed her because she eats like she's never been fed, she cries like someone is literally torturing her, and she's just ornery. Wow...I just used ornery in a sentence. I'm officially my mom. That's nice.

You are officially the best mom ever.

In awe,

Jim

P.S. No really, she's a pleasant girl when you shake her.

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Not sure whether to say thank you for putting up with me, thank you for believing in me, or both.

I haven't made a decision yet about this whole promotion thing, but it's so cool to know that you're gonna put up with me whatever decision I make. Thank you for making this whole thing - this whole marriage and family thing - even better than I thought it would be.

Love,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Can you believe she crawled today? I can't. I mean I know she's been wanting to for awhile. Doing the whole push-up thing, revving up like a race car only to fall backwards on her butt (thank God for diaper pads - I think athletes should look into those. I actually might wear one on the basketball court this weekend if you don't mind), but seriously... I woke up today and it was just a normal day. It wasn't the day that I thought our little girl would get mobile for the first time.

Pretty soon she'll be standing, walking, asking for her own cell phone...oh my God, I literally just got goosebumps on my arms thinking about it. What the hell are we gonna do when she's walking? She's going to literally be able to get around on her own - without us. She can decide she wants to leave the apartment, get a car, run away with the mailman. All of that! All of that could happen Pam.

I for one have decided to start working on a contract for her. A contract that clearly forbids her to leave here. In fact, even when she starts school I think she should have to sign in and out of the house so that we know exactly when she's left and when she's scheduled to arrive home.

Now, I hear what you're saying already. You're saying...Obviously Jim, there will be a start and finish to the school day, But even so Pam...even so. This is our child we're discussing. She's going to be sneaky and cunning and hip to the ways of her so-called "school" and will be able to figure out how to circumvent things like gates and bell schedules. All I'm saying is that it's time to start watching her...she's not as innocent as she seems. Don't let the baby talk and drool fool you Pam. I need you in this with me. Look alive.

Hip to Jill's game,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

I'm so happy to be home. So happy to be with you. So happy to not be with Dwight and Michael for one more second.

I hate Hooters, I hate strippers, I hate conventions, I hate Michael's after parties.

I love you. I love Jill. I love this apartment....I love your boobs. (Doh! Too much time with Michael! SORRY!)

Yours,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

I can't sleep. I've tried and tried and I can't do it. I'm completely and totally exhausted and still I can't. And this is gonna come out completely wrong because my head is a mess. I just keep listening for that asshole. Waiting for him to come back. I know I shouldn't dwell on this. I know it will eat us both alive. I know you're right and it was probably just a one time thing that was completely meaningless, but it doesn't seem that way.

It seems huge. It seems like I should do something. But...like I said earlier tonight...we're happy, we're healthy, we're alive. Jill's ok. Yes.

Pam, I would have done everything that you did. I swear to God I would have done whatever I had to, and don't feel bad for doing the same. You're my freaking hero. You are and I love you.

LOVE,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

I think I know where your panties are now...and I'm not telling. Maybe you should retrace your steps! Maybe we should call Marc and Melissa and find out if any of their gifts contained a little something extra?

Immoral Pam...just plain immoral.

That was the best wedding ever,

Jim

P.S. Aside from ours...calm down.

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

I can't tell you that I understand exactly what you were feeling today. I can't tell you that I wasn't actually a teensy bit excited about the prospect of another new exciting adventure, but I do know that you are the best mom ever and you shouldn't feel even the slightest bit guilty about being relieved that it wasn't an adventure that was meant for us quite yet. I'm not crazy. I know it would have been a hardship.

When we're ready for more, we'll have more.

We are more than enough,

Jim

~~~~~~~

Dear Pam,

Wow. Aren't you affectionate? If I am reading that reaction correctly - this was a good gift.

Happy First Mother's Day,

Jim