THE GODFATHER (Part I)

"Sorry Michael...it's just that my mom's feeling under the weather and Jim's mom is on a cruise...so...here we are," Pam said bending down to lift Jill.

The baby attempted to pull away. Who wanted to be carried when you could just as easily move around on your own? Instead of moving forward though, she fell on her heavily padded butt.

Jill looked up at Pam, surprise written all over her face and a question in her voice, "Mama."

Pam nodded and dropped her diaper bag and purse on the carpet. "I know...Yesterday you had it nailed right?....This walking thing is quite fickle isn't it, sweetie?"

She smiled and lifted her up, thinking of how much easier the lifting used to be.

"It's no problem...bringing her here," Michael said as he reached out to touch her cheek "Hi there Jilly."

"Can you say hi to Michael?" Pam said, coaxing her daughter. A nearly 12-month-old Jill waved and quickly tucked her head against Pam's shoulder. "She's seems to be getting a little shy lately...it's ok Jilly - you remember Michael."

"Gosh what is she now? Two?"

Pam frowned. "Michael she hasn't even had her first birthday yet...it's around the corner though...you should come to her party."

"Wow...I'd be happy to...Wow, thank you," Michael said gleefully. "And she's walking and everything?"

Pam smiled bashfully. "A little...she's not going to be doing any marathons any time soon, but she can get around if someone's holding her hand...if she lets us hold her hand....she's pretty persistent."

Michael smiled a bit maniacally. "Wow...a child pedgi...prodig...prodigree.........Well I'm glad you brought her....Until Jim gets back from his sales call, you two can just refer to me as Daddy."

Pam shook her head almost imperceptibly. Yeah...probably not.

When Jill started to squirm, Michael reached out for her. "Here...give her to me...I'll take her on a tour of the office...Come here, Jill-o."

"Oh I -

"Oh Pam chill out....don't be such a mom."

Pam glanced at the camera.

Michael continued, bouncing Jill around in his arms. Pam came close to telling him that she'd just eaten breakfast...but she refrained - which was probably mean but she really hated it when people told her she was being too much of a ‘mom'. It was a huge pet peeve...

"And don't worry...I won't introduce her to Toby," Michael added. "This is gonna be so much fun, Jill...you are gonna love it here at Dunder-Mifflin. Your mommy and daddy certainly do...been here for-eva."

Pam bit her lip and lifted the huge diaper bag and purse from the carpet. She threw the same items under her desk once safely behind it.  Sighing, she leaned back against her chair...finally.

This had been one of the craziest mornings of her life, and there had been plenty of crazy ones lately. Between working part time, going to school, and trying to be a wife and a mom...her life was one wacky episode after another. She felt a little like she was on a TV show, because surely all of this couldn't happen to a real person in real life.

She'd actually dreamt the night before that she slid Jill inside her dresser drawer...and left her there. When she finally remembered Jill - she was blue.

Yes - a dead baby in a drawer dream. It had been a great way to start the day. Pam shivered even now, just thinking about it.

So this morning on very little sleep, she and Jim had followed their normal routine: They'd hit the ground running, getting themselves and Jill ready (Jill's stuff more than Jill. She carried more crap than a celebrity on European holiday). They then took separate cars into work because Jill needed to be dropped off at Pam's parent's place (or Jim's mom's depending on the week) and then picked up by Pam at lunch. But today, instead of Pam doing her Dunder-Mifflin duty all morning and then leaving in order to spend time with Jill and finish any schoolwork before class (which would usually last until Jim got home in the evening and then she would leave to go to class ) she'd had to be even more flexible...

After Jim had left on his sale's call this morning, she'd gotten a phone call from her mother saying she'd just thrown up, and that she didn't want Jill to catch whatever bug she was obviously coming down with.

Pam had instantly agreed because a sick Jill was not a fun Jill....No, a sick Jill was Demon seed Jill. And aside from that it meant that someone would have to stay home with her...which again - schedule - madness - murder/suicide in Scranton...

So Pam had hightailed it over to her parent's to pick up Jill, but still had a couple more hours left on her shift, so she'd brought her here where she hoped no one would mind. So far...no one did. Michael seemed completely jazzed about the idea.

Apparently so did others. "Oh my God Pam, she is so cute."

Pam looked up, "Oh...hey Kelly...thanks."

"You and Jim....made a totally awesome baby. I mean I know I said that when she was born, but I was totally lying...now...she's completely awesome."

Pam nodded. "Awesome."

"Except for her hair......"

Pam's smile dropped as Kelly continued.

"You're not gonna style her hair the way you style yours are you? You really shouldn't. Maybe you could take her to a salon or something and they'll tell you how to do it....It's too bad her hair isn't more like Jim's...No offense."

"Oh......wow...um...You know, I really - I probably missed a lot of voicemails while I was gone," Pam said gesturing to her phone. "I'm just gonna..."

Not gonna flat iron my 9 month old's hair, thank you very much....

"Oh yeah...sure. Totally," Kelly said. "Do you think I could paint Jill's nails?"

"Oh.....no thank you," Pam said softly. You're not taking her for manies or pedis either.

Kelly shrugged and walked away as if to say ‘your loss'.

Pam sighed and lifted her extension. She smiled at the sound of his voice. "Hey... I don't think I authorized any extra break time for you...hmm - interesting that you're not at your desk. Anyway, I wanted to tell you this guy is a complete tool - but you're not there...so I have nobody to mock with - pretty sure that was in the vows...something like ‘thou shall always be around to mock with'...Anyway, he makes Dwight look normal...See you soon. Love you - bye."

Pam smiled as she moved on to the next message.

"Ok, you're mom just called me...it was great timing because I got to excuse myself from this meeting for a minute...but she says she just hurled all over the kitchen floor. The thing is, I can't get out of this meeting right now...Maybe you can ask Michael if you can leave?...Sorry. Hopefully she's already gotten ahold of you....Wow...what's that word we made up for days that are insane before noon? Anyway...that's what this day is.....But no worries - at least we didn't leave Jill in a drawer right? See...already perspective makes it better. Give her a kiss for me...see you at home."

Pam smiled, remembering last night - 2:37 in the morning - Jim shaking her awake.

"Stop...stop...I'll check the drawers everyday...stop...I beg you to go to sleep."  

She forwarded to the next message.

"Hey...I'm on my way back to the office, but give me a call and let me know if you want me to get Jill. You're not answering your cell...so maybe you're still at work...not sure. Ok...I'm on my way there. Maybe you're not there...Maybe Andy is hearing this message. Hi Andy...I love you - bye."

Pam smiled and started to forward to the next message which was an actual message from a client, for Michael. She started to jot down the message...oh and then she needed to text Jim to tell him she'd already picked up Jill...don't forget.

"Ute cay aby bay, am pay," Andy said as he waltzed over to her desk with Jill in his arms. He plopped her down on the edge and she grabbed his tie and started to jerk on it. Andy quickly pulled it out of her grasp.

Pam smiled politely, "Thanks Andy. You can hand her over if -

"We woulda made cuter ones though," Andy said on a long sigh. "But you know ca sera sera......Stop it," Andy said pulling his tie away from Jill again.

Jill glanced back at Pam as if to ask why he wasn't letting her play with it.

"Why does your baby keep pulling my tie..."

"I don't know...exactly...she just likes it I guess...she does the same thing with my necklace...probably because it's got those gold threads in it...she likes sparkly things."

"This isn't sparkly...this is Abercrombie..." Andy said as Jill tugged this way and that on his tie. "Make her -

Pam stood up and extended her arms. "Why don't you just...give her to me."

"Sorry...listen, she's totally cute." Andy said continuing to fane amusement with a tight smile as Pam took her from him. "We coulda named her...ill Jay."

"Right...that's...that's too bad...that never ever happened."

"Maybe I'll just call her that way."

"Hmm...or...not."

"Listen," Andy said beginning again. "The thing is Pam...I asked around the office, and I happen to know for a fact that Jill does not have a godfather...and I'll tell you what - I'm it."

"What?" Pam said looking up in shock. "Who did you..." Out of the corner of her eye she saw Angela peaking over the divider.

"I mean call me a traditionalist," Andy went on, paying no heed to the expression of horror on Pam's face, "But I think she needs one...and I would make the perfect Godfather....I went to Cornell, so...I'm the obvious choice."

"Choice?...We aren't -

"...Also..." Andy said cutting her off. "She'll always know to aim high in the boyfriend department because of the example her Godfather set."

"Ick...aim low you mean," Dwight said overhearing the conversation on his way out of the break room. He stopped next to Andy in front of her desk. "Pam you can't seriously be considering allowing Andy ‘Anger Management' Bernard be your child's Godfather...he doesn't even have any pets. He couldn't possibly know what it takes to Godfather a baby....I on the other hand, know exactly what it takes."

Oh no. "Really guys, I wasn't looking for -

"Oh," Andy said clicking his tongue as he turned to Dwight. "Because your goats are like kids right?...What are you gonna do? Have Jill play with your bobbleheads?"

"In fact...I might - Jill has a very special relationship with my bobbleheads."

"What?" Andy asked, glancing at Pam.

Pam bit down on her lip. God, not that...She didn't need that prank to come back and bite her in the ass.  "Listen..Andy, Dwight -

"So...if Jim and Pam are going to pick anyone it's going to be me...I've known them longer and I stayed with the womenfolk during their hour of need."

Again, Andy could only say, "What?"

"I single-handedly tracked a perp around the perimeter of their apartment."

"Dwight you never found -

"And," Dwight added, cutting Pam off. "I was there during the birth of their child."

"But you -

"Well I," Andy began. "Was in the Chili's across the street with Michael when they had Jill...so..."

"Of course, because they wouldn't let you into labor and delivery...they only let in the father and the potential godfathers......Also, Michael wouldn't answer his cell phone to tell me where he was," Dwight mumbled quickly.

Pam sighed and glanced at Jill. "Ready for a sippy cup?" She said pulling one out of Jill's diaper bag. "Sorry you're not 21."

"Cuppy," Jill said and quickly shoved it into her mouth.

"Look at that," Michael said walking by. "I can't believe how much she's growing up."

Pam nodded, actually thankful for Michael's interruption. Maybe he could get Dwight and Andy to leave her alone.

Michael shook his head in disbelief. "I mean she doesn't...she's not breast feeding anymore?"

She had been thankful.

Pam moved Jill so she sat strategically in front of her chest. "Nope...she's...old enough now. She likes her cup."

"What are you thinkin' Jill! That's crazytalk," Michael said shaking his head. He glanced at the camera, and then back at Pam. "Listen...are these two numbskulls bothering you?"

"Well I...I am trying to get some work done," Pam said diplomatically. "You had a message from -

"Michael, Andy thinks he should be Jill's Godfather, tell him that's insane!" Dwight said cutting Pam off and smiling at the camera knowingly.

"Of course it's insane, because I am going to be Jill's Godfather...isn't that right, Pam?"

"No," Pam said without thinking.

"What?"

All three of the men at her desk turned to her at once.

"Oh...um, what?"

Michael frowned. "You know Pam...not every boss lets their employees bring their children to work...and do that..." he said gesturing to her breasts.

"But I'm not breast feeding -

"Well the....it's...connotat...connota -ded........Besides, you know what Pam, there are more reasons than just your breasts, ok!" Michael passionately began to explain why it made perfect sense, playing to the camera the entire time. "If Jim kicked the can today -

"What?"

"I own a condo...and you guys are still renting...it just makes sense that you would choose someone like me as Jill's godfather. Someone who's got his she-yot together...ok, Pam? ..."

Pam just stared at him. What...how had this happened. Wasn't her day crazy enough?

"I've got an entire beet farm."

Andy coughed and tried to hide the word ‘Dork' inside of it. "Michael may I say, that a condo and being the manager of a successful mid-range paper company far outweighs any agricultural hobbies of Dwight's...and seeing as you and I are BFF for realsies...I will be assistant Godfather."

"I will be assistant godfather!" Dwight spat.

"Assistant to the Godfather," Michael corrected.

"Wow...No...Not...not even for...no."

Pam turned at the sound of her husband's voice. Her face went from dismay to delighted to dismay all over again in a matter of seconds  - silently pleading with him to stop the madness ensuing around them.

Jill actually clapped at the sight of him. As if superman had just shown up.

"No, yeah you're right Jimbo...there doesn't need to be an assistant," Michael said, nodding. "Just...me. I'm enough. More than enough...Sufficient," he said proudly.

Jim had moved around the desk to kiss Jill on the cheek, his thumb moved back and forth across Pam's shoulder as he spoke, "Is this why we never bring her here?"

"No, I think it was because of her allergy to deer urine..."

Jim shook his head. "Listen, Michael...it's really nice of you to offer -

"But you're going with me...because I was there for you in your time of need," Dwight said interrupting.

Jim was taken aback. "What?"

"The break-in," Pam said nodding as she looked up at Jim.

"Oh. Right...totally...and we thanked you for that -

"Jim the Laser Tag and Outback Steakhouse gift cards were nice...but the best gifts in life are not plastic, ok?  Everyone knows that the best gifts in life...are hand-made...like another human life."

Jim tilted his head to the side, "Yeah...I just don't think that's something that we're going to.... give you..."

Andy cleared his throat. "Jim, may I say you have a lovely family -

"No."

"No I may not say you have a lovely family?"

Jim pretended to think for a moment, his eyes drifting towards the ceiling. "No."

"But -

"No. Stop."

Andy took a deep breath and turned. Everyone held their breath as he stopped in front of Jim's desk. It was clear he wanted to kick it...But he didn't. Instead he walked slowly back to his desk and slammed his coffee cup down, sloshing some of it on the wood. Angela frowned at the blatant display of anger.

Michael lifted his hand to his mouth to stifle laughter and Jim had to look away.

Jill smiled up at him.

Pam whispered through laughter. "Stop it......you're being a bad influence."

Dwight hitched his pants. "So...looks like it's a race between you and me Michael."

"Pssh," Michael said, pulling a face "Whatevs. I've got this nailed...that's what she said," he said with a burst of laughter. "No...no, not appropriate in front of..." he said glancing sideways at Jill in response to his own joke.

Jill climbed out of Pam's arms and stood on her desk, itching to get to Jim.

"Actually," Jim said, pausing to pull Jill into his arms. "We're considering other applicants."

"What?" Dwight said, his eyes going wide. "Who?"

"Just...you know...other people......"

"Who?"

"Dwight, don't be an ass...obviously Jim is only saying that to let you down easy. He wants to go with me...but he doesn't want to hurt your feelings," Michael said.

"No...actually...um...Pam do you remember who our other applicant was?"

"Oh...um..." No idea, Pam thought. "Um...Toby..."

"What! No way! You've gotta be kidding me!...Toby doesn't know anything about kids!"

Pam frowned. "He has a daughter."

"BFD!"

Pam replied quietly and succinctly, "His application and letters of recommendation are pretty impressive...he works in HR...so you know - he knows what an interviewer wants to see."

Jim nearly lost it.

Dwight spun on his heel and immediately logged on to his computer.

Michael simply glared in the direction of Toby's cubicle. His voice low and menacing... "Toby."