DAYCARE

So daycare didn't go so well.

Jill is not very good with other kids. No. Scratch that - Jill is terrible with other kids. I found this out during a particularly busy week...a week that would have inevitably happened at some point I guess, but Pam and I hadn't been ready for it. No, we hadn't really been prepared for my own mother deciding that she was going to skip her grandmothering duties for the week and go on some Carribean cruise with her girlfriends. Nope, hadn't been ready for that. We also hadn't been ready for Pam's mom to decide to get sick at the very last minute...Ok, so maybe ‘decide' wasn't the right word, but still. We hadn't really been ready with Plan C childcare.

So Pam and I called around...Other people did this all the time, right? Not everyone was lucky enough to have two loving, caring, grandmothers for babysitters on a regular basis. And as it turned out, people actually had other methods of childcare. My sister, for instance had used a daycare when my niece was a toddler. So when I called her to ask about it, she couldn't stop raving.

"No, Brianna really liked it...I think Jill will too. The ladies there are really wonderful...you don't have to worry about her getting hurt or anything because they've got eyes like hawks."

Pam had been really amped by the idea of super watchful, conscientious caregivers. But something about it had put a doubtful sort of nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wasn't sure what it was at the time, but now I knew...God, how I knew.

So, let's back up...I knew it would be tough for Jill...we both did. Pam and I figured maybe she'd cry because she wasn't used to being left with anyone but her grandmothers everyday. In fact...may I say - Pam is a wimp, and therefore requested that I be the one to stay with Jill for awhile before leaving her all by her lonesome in some new scary place.

So I, Jim Halpert, went in a little late for work that day. It was kind of a warm-up for when Jill started pre-school right? I had to get used to this abandonment thing anyway, so why not now? And why not this place that was apparently so wonderful

Why not?

Because Jill is not quite right. As it turns out, Jill is not only incapable of sharing...but she steals things. She steals a lot of things.

Toys, rattles (which she doesn't even really enjoy anymore), but mostly...

Woah-woahs

In our house a "woah-woah" is a Cheerio. And Cheerios are gold. Have been since Jill sprouted a few teeth.

So she likes her cereal! So what! A few Woah-woahs are not a big deal!

I found myself mounting a defense for her as I stood there at daycare. My face pressed against the doorjamb with a brow so tense I could actually feel my eyebrows lift. In the back of my mind my mother said something about them getting suck that way if I didn't cut it out.

Jill stood up on the alphabet carpet and grinned at me before the next round of stealing began. As if to say "Hey Daddy...check this out...Isn't it so awesome when I steal this kid's woah-woahs?"

Yeah, actually it is kind of funny, Jilly-Bean...NO! No, you are not allowed to think that!

Ok, so there are two Jims. There's a Jim that thinks pretty much everything Jill does is a riot. Then there's another Jim...and this Jim is a little bit more cognoscente of the fact that he's a grown up. A dad. Someone with an actual kid that apparently needs to learn manners and social appropriateness, and as such it's probably not that funny that she takes kid's cereal. Even if it's a kid named Wolfie who probably had it coming...

What the hell? This Scranton PA, not Hollywood.

But it's too late to be Jim number 2...because she knows. Jill knows what Jim number 1 is thinking. She knows because she apparently reads my mind. She knows it, I know it, Pam knows it (to my dismay).

Listen, how can someone not laugh when their daughter feeds the TV because an animal is suddenly on screen? How exactly does one go about resisting that? Especially when she's afraid of monkies. So...if a monkey happens to stumble on screen, instead of smushing the banana against the screen, she will attempt to throw it and then take several wobbly steps back.

She's a genius who lives by a code: Be polite...Don't be a fool.

Alright, so she's not so polite...she steals Cheerios.

I shifted and folded my arms across my chest. The teacher, Katherine came walking towards me and suddenly I was pulling on my tie and licking my lips.

Calm down...surely the woman has seen this kind of thing before. It's no big deal.

She smiled at me. It was fake...I knew that. Clearly she was thinking, ‘Don't ever come back here. Take your daughter and get the hell out...she's a menace to society...and to babies...and to like...pets.'

"I'm sorry...Mr. Halpert?"

"Yeah...no, Jim...please," I said extending a hand. Then I did it...put on the best salesman smile I had. I knew it was wrong...but what the hell? Some may have called it flirting...Pam would have called it a good cause.

She smiled back at me in a forced kind of way.

So I was proactive, I agreed with her before she ever said a word. "I know, right?" I said adding a grimace for effect. "I'm not sure what's going on with her. She's not usually like this...but check it out - she's using her words at least."

She was using her words. She was using "mine."

It sounded like "miiiine?"...she did this thing where all of her words (she had a few now) were phrased as question. Even though they obviously weren't. In fact she never waited for an answer. There didn't seem to be any doubt in her mind as to whether things belonged to her.

"Is she around kids?" Katherine was asking. "I think your wife mentioned on the phone that she was an only child."

And that's why Pam is not in sales.

"Right, right...but she's got a ton of cousins." A ton...Two? It's all the same... "And she gets a long with them great....I think maybe...I don't know, maybe - she might actually be feeling a little sick." I added, playing the pity card now.

"Oh well, Mr. Halpert -

"Jim," I said correcting her again.

"Jim..."

So she was a little snotty now with the way she said my name. And that wasn't really necessary. My kid was a klepto not a killer.

"If she's sick she actually shouldn't be here. Perhaps you or your wife could stay home with her..."

"No," I said grimacing and pulling back. "I didn't mean she was like... ‘sick', sick. I just meant she might be feeling...I don't know - weird about this, you know? Like heartsick. Like...me and her mom are leaving and she's used to grandma taking care of her...and then there's this weird place with weird teachers - not that you're weird - just...different," I finished pathetically. "I...I think she's gonna be great."

"She doesn't seem to have a whole lot of cooperative skills."

Seriously?

"With all do respect, I saw that kid over there haul off and whack another kid," I said pointing at Wolfie. A two year old with a Mohawk. "So...I mean...not sure we should point fingers here..."

I was supposed to feel sorry for a kid with a Mohawk when my daughter wore pigtails with little butterflies at the ends?

Katherine only stared at me. I'd said something scandalous about Wolfie.

I turned away, fixed my eyes on Jill. She had a handful of cheerios...I wasn't sure where she'd gotten them from. But then she looked at him, said "woah-woahs?" and then shoved them into her mouth. Wolfie started his impression of a police siren.

I didn't smile...I didn't.

Jilly had the decency to look perplexed at this show of raw emotion...She looked at me then. "Miiiiine? Woah-woahs?"

All while doing that thing with her mouth that made it look like she was slightly confused by what had happened.

I was living with a con artist.

With a sigh, I crossed the room and picked her up. "Bean, you are so not good at this."

"Woah-woahs?"

"You're cut off."

So daycare didn't go so well.

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