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The Girl Who Made You Her Own

"Hey c'mere..."  Jim said scooping Jill up right before she went galloping into their bedroom.  She was like that lately.  Everything was a race.  She was always in a hurry to get from point A to point B, and it struck him that most often he found that amusing. 

Tonight, he just found it tiring.

A quick peak inside the darkening room confirmed that Pam was in the same position he'd left her in. Lying on the bed, a sliver of twilight cast upon her side.

Jim shut the door as quietly as he could and stood there for a moment, Jill in his arms and raring to go, while his feet were cemented to the spot.  All the air in his body gathered into a tight little ball in the center of his chest and he couldn't breathe.

"Daddy, let's see Mommy."

Breathe...now move. "You want to help Daddy with the laundry?" He asked, bounding down the first couple of steps.

"No, I want mommy to play."

Jim licked his lips and paused on the third step. "Oh, I have an idea...You ready for a slide?" He was sitting down before she even answered.  She'd never once turned down a slide down the stairs. 

Don't let tonight be the night she no longer likes bumpy slides down the stairs.

Jill giggled as they slid down the steps together. 

If he just kept Jill busy for...

How long? 

A liquid pool of infinity swirled suddenly around him; threatening to swallow them up. What if tonight stretched into tomorrow and the day after that, and the day after...He couldn't feel his own feet touch the bottom of this yet. When would hers touch?

The sudden lump in his throat made it hard for him to get the words out.  "Hey...What do you want for dinner tonight? A little Macanese?"

"Yeah Daddy, Macanese...aaaaaand...tots." Jill said, raising her arms.

Jim picked her up and fit her into her highchair.  My God she's getting so big.  "You want Macanese and tots? That sounds healthy."

"Yeah."

"Mommy would kill me if I just made you Macanese and tots." Shit.

"What's mommy gonna have for dinner?"

"Um..." Jim turned around, and reached for the pot that hung from the wrack above the island.  They'd just had it installed last week. 

Things were going really well.  A promotion at work had meant a new house.  Pam's last semester at school meant time for...

Jim put the pot on the stove and just stared at it for a moment...two...three...

"Daddy, make the Macanese for Mommy."

"Oh you know what, Bean," Jim said grabbing the blue box from the cupboard next to the fridge. "Mommy's actually got a cold.  I think she doesn't feel much like eating....So you and me are gonna have to put dinner on, and then do a little bit of laundry...because you're really good at that," he said winking.

She attempted to wink back and he felt his heart get just a little bit lighter.  Thank you.  He dropped a kiss on the top of her head, on his way back to the stove.

"Me and you make the dinner and do laundry and then...play baby dolls."

Jim stared at the Mac & Cheese for a few moments too long.  "Bean you know what?  What about um...those um...what are those puppies...the stuffed puppies that Grandma got you?"

"No daddy, I want to play babies."

"Ok," he said quietly.  "We'll just..." he was pouring the noodles into the pot.  What next?  It was the one thing he'd known how to make since college and he couldn't remember.  He grabbed the milk, the water...butter?  

"Ok, so the Macanese is cooking," he said then, tossing the box in the garbage under the sink.

"Tots Daddy!"

"Yeah..." he whispered. "I'm gonna put some tots in the oven, and how about some broccoli if I put the cheese on it? Come on...don't do that." he said when he saw the instant pout and furrowed brow.

Shit. Cheese!  Jim turned around, opened the cupboard under the sink and retrieved the blue box that still had that gnarly looking orange powder in it.  Not exactly Mac & Cheese without the cheese, idiot.

Jill was still pouting.  "Daddy, no brockley."

He and Pam had gone back and forth on whether to really push the issue with food.  For the most part, Jill wasn't a very picky eater but when it came to vegetables there was always an hour long drama.  And in the end he and Pam would both end up awarding Jill with the best actress award for most intense hatred of a vegetable.

"No daddy I hate brockley," Jill squealed more intensely this time, as if maybe he just hadn't heard her the first time.

"You don't hate it with cheese," Jim said turning to her, bracing his hands on the countertop behind him.  He glanced up at the staircase.

Ok...calm down.  Breathe.

"Apples...Apples with cinnin."

"Negotiating?"

She smiled at him like she did when she had no idea what he was talking about.  He bit his lip and had to look away for a moment, not sure what had just hit him, but it was something hard and in the gut. 

"Ok...you're gonna get me in trouble.  But ok....um, apples and cinnamon are a good substitute...I think.  We'll do that."

Jill clapped.  "I gonna tell Mommy that I'm eating all my apples sinnin like a big girl."

"She'll be really proud, but she'd be even more proud if you were eating the broccoli."

"Daddy!" She squealed louder this time, and her face scrunched as she kicked her feet against the back of bottom of her high chair in frustration.

"Hey, cut that out," Jim said reprimanding.  His voice a little sharper than normal.

"I want Mommy," Jill said, looking down at her highchair.  They were the same words she always used when he was being unreasonable, he knew that.

Jim inhaled slowly. "Mommy's taking a nap. I'll take you up to see her when you're all done with your dinner - every single bite."

She was still pouting.  She was ridiculously good at pouting.

Jim covered his face with his hands and took a deep breath, letting his hands linger, covering his mouth for a minute.  His eyes connected with hers and he let his hands fall, mimicking the expression she wore.

She giggled.

"Your face will stay that way...you know that."

"Let's make apple cinnins for Mommy."

"Ok."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was able to put her off again after dinner, saying that they would see mommy after cleaning the kitchen.  Which meant she got to play with her kitchen toys (a pretend toaster and microwave) while he loaded the dishwasher and wiped down the stove.  That took all of 5 minutes.

They played Baby Dolls then, because there was no way the Puppies would have held her interest. As it turned out, he didn't play Baby Dolls correctly. Only Mommy played the right way. 

Why does Mommy have to be sick?  What a bad, nasty cold.

He only nodded and brought her attention back to what they were doing.  Feeding the babies, changing the babies' diapers, putting the babies to sleep...and then over again. 

The irony struck Jim anew and a guttural kind of chuckle slipped through his flimsy filter.

Jill looked up. "Daddy the babies are being very good, huh?"

The phone rang just then and he'd jumped up to get it, racing to catch it before it rang again. He yanked the cordless phone up from where it sat on the banister.  Thankful for the reprieve.

"Hey Jim...it's Brenda...Um, do you know if Pam was planning on coming to class tonight?  We had a pretty hefty assignment due tonight...I called her cell and she didn't pick up."

Jim cleared his throat and kept his voice low, he moved to stand inside the dark, empty room between their's and Jill's for a moment without thinking.

"Oh...um..." Oh God...

"Jim? You there?"

Her voice melted the frozen feeling in his bones and he started to move.  Hastily he shut the door behind him.

"Sorry...yeah, I'm here...Hi Brenda.  Thanks for calling...um, yeah Pam...she actually came down with this really bad bug.  I think she's just going to have to ask for an extension on the project or..."

"Oh. Ok, she shoulda just called me.  Does she want me to come by and pick it up after class?  I have another class tomorrow and I can just drop it off."

Yes...No...I don't know...Don't come over.  Should I drop it off? Should I ask Pam...

"I'm actually...Yeah, don't worry about it.  I'll um...I'm going there tomorrow."

She had to know he hadn't been planning on doing any such thing.  There was zero reason for him to show up on campus.  "You're sure?" Brenda asked tentatively.

"Yeah. Um, thanks for calling Brenda. I'll let Pam know you called.  Talk to you later."

"Oh, um -

He hung up.  And sat there.  His parents old grandfather clock was still hanging near the front entrance and he heard the tick-tock, tick-tock, and above him the soft ramblings of Jill talking to her babies.

She raised her voice, piercing the quiet. "Daaaaaaady! Your baby needs her bottle!"

He sat for a moment longer than he should have.

"Daaaaady!"

After ten more minutes of Baby Dolls, he'd told her they'd forgotten to do the laundry, so she ‘helped' him when he hoisted her above the washer and had her pour in the detergent. 

Jill loved being a helper, thank God.

Moments later, she'd hit her threshold. Tired, but unable to go to bed without seeing mommy, she'd gotten whiny and really cranky.

"Jill Marie, cut it out right now or no Furry in the bath."

Furry was a plastic bottle top to an old shampoo bottle that was a bear.  She'd fill him up with bubbles and dump him out, fill him up with bubbles and dump him out.  It was the cheapest most entertaining toy on the planet.  Jim wished they were all that way.

In the bath, Jill was quieter than normal as she played with Furry.  Out of nowhere, she looked up at Jim and said. "We're gonna add Mommy's bad cold to the No-Jill and No-Mommy and No-Daddy list."

Jim licked his lip and bit on it.  He picked up the cup that sat on the side of the tub and poured water through her dark tresses.

"Daddy?...Dat's a good ‘dea?"

"Perfect idea," he said holding her face and placing a big kiss on her wet forehead.  He turned around to grab a tissue to blow his nose.

"No, no cold Daddy."

"I'm fine, Beanie."

She fell asleep quickly after her bath.  Jim sat on the couch with Jill's head on his lap. Her little body curled up on the couch next to him in her nightgown.  He put his hand over her feet to keep them warm.  He probably should have just taken her up to bed, but he hadn't been able to yet.

He clicked off the television he hadn't been watching in the first place, and pushed her damp hair away from her forehead.  He put his lips against her temple. "Come on Sweetgirl it's time for bed," he said picking her up.

She curled into him as he made his way to the staircase and up to her room.  Pam had recently found a night light that cast a circulating glow on the butterflies painted on the walls.  He switched it on and laid her in bed, tucking in both sides.

She started to fidget, her eyes blinking. She always fought sleep, just like he'd done as a kid, for reasons he couldn't remember.  It was like he thought his family had parties once he went to bed or something.  Maybe his brother had told him that?  He wasn't sure.  All he knew was that the fight she waged was ridiculously familiar.

It made him smile. "Go back to sleep, Bean...We don't have any fun once you go to bed...It's all terribly boring."

Groggily she whispered with her hands around his neck. "The trees Daddy?"

Jim kissed her forehead. "More than all the leaves in all the trees," he said, as was their ritual.

"That's how much Daddy loves Bean?"

"That's how much....Now go to sleep," he whispered.

He stayed until her eyes were closed and she fell back into slumberland. 

When they'd first moved in there'd been a few nights when she'd climbed into bed with them, afraid of her new room.  Mentioning the Wicked Witch....

Nightmares born of a silly promo she'd seen on television for goodness sake.  She'd still not been allowed to see the movie.

Jim had assured her that he'd put an anti-witching spell on that room long ago when he'd been a boy living in the very same room.  Somehow, someway she'd believed him capable of casting an anti-anything spell.

Jim exited her room, leaving the door open and the hall light on as he turned towards his bedroom.

He pushed the door open and slowly started pulling off his clothes.  Leaving only his boxers on as he lay next to Pam in bed.  He molded his body to hers, spooning up behind her, his hand sliding gently across her tummy.

"Are you..." Don't ask her if she's ok.  Don't make that mistake again.  "Do you need me to get you anything?"

She shook her head.  He'd known all along that she wasn't asleep.  She'd been up here...just lying here.  She hadn't slept all day. 

Her mind was probably full of things she'd yet to share with him. Thing he had a feeling she was keeping to herself for a reason; slowly using them to punish herself.

Things he'd spend weeks trying to debunk, hoping that someday she'd begin to believe him.

He kissed her neck, her jaw, her ear... "Hey...I love you."

She nodded silently. "I'm sorry I didn't come down...Did your mom wonder why you were picking Jill up early?"

"No...she was busy lecturing my brother on the phone about something....it was fine."

"Was that Brenda earlier?"

"Yeah...I told her not to worry about it.  I'll take your project in for you tomorrow if you want me to."

She reached up and he watched her smudge away tears.  Please just talk about it.

"I don't want us to go anywhere tomorrow...We can keep Jill here too."

That was a good start.  "Done.  Michael thinks we both have the flu...I told him if he could successfully keep Dwight from showing up here tomorrow I'd come over and play Rock Band with him."

"Thank you........."

The silence stretched on in the darkness.

"Did Jilly get to bed ok?"

"Yeah....she's fine...We had Macanese and Tots...it was a good carb night."

Pam turned her head and reached for his face then, pulling him down to her lips. "I love you."

"C'mere," he said and she turned completely towards him, her arm sliding beneath his, their legs tangling.  His hands were in her hair and his lips on her forehead, when she started to lose it again. 

Through her sobs he could make out that she'd been planning on starting to tell people next week but that there'd been something in the back of her mind...just something that told her to maybe wait just a little bit longer.  She'd been bursting at the seams to tell her parents, but hadn't done it...Maybe she'd jinxed things by not telling anyone. Maybe that was it.

They'd been so careful around Jill, not wanting her to spill the beans...

She said all of this in some kind of bizarre, convoluted attempt at explaining how their unborn child may have been offended.

"There's nothing we could've done...Hey...Bees, look at me. There's absolutely nothing that you or I could've done," he said pulling back to look at her face.  "Ok?"

He'd have to convince her to call her mom and tell her everything.  How the fuck did someone go about having that conversation?

Oh by the way...we were ridiculously happy for a few weeks...but then...Hell, maybe we were too happy...

So maybe he had some irrational demons of his own to fight off.

As they held each other he thought about things to be done.  They were on the schedule for a home visit from the camera crew next week.  They'd mentioned "trying" a few months back.  They'd ask questions.  They always asked about that...

He'd cancel the visit.  The next several.

Maybe he was weird, having those kinds of thoughts while his wife bawled her eyes out.  Maybe trying to fill the empty space inside of him with items on an emergency to-do list in his head was some sort of desperate way of coping.

Whatever it was, he held on to it with all his might. 

Jim couldn't remember reaching a point when he'd felt relaxed enough to sleep, but somehow he'd fallen asleep anyway, waking when he heard the bed creak and pop in the middle of the night.  Before Jill had come along he'd been an incredibly heavy sleeper.  Pam had teased him, saying that he'd sleep through a fire, hurricane, monsoon, bombing...

Like so many other things, Jill had changed all that.

He glanced at the alarm clock on the side of the bed and then stared up at the ceiling, waiting for Pam to come back to bed.  She hadn't gone to the bathroom and he hadn't heard her on the stairs.  He turned to look at the alarm clock again.  Twenty minutes had gone by.

Jim got out of bed and walked down the hall, stopping briefly for a moment to check...He exhaled. She wasn't in the nurs...spare room.

His feet carried him to Jill's bedroom and he stood in the threshold.  Pam lay curled up next to Jill, her arms around her in that little twin bed.  He could tell from her breathing that she was asleep.

Finally.

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