The Shower

"I simply do not understand why we're having another baby shower for her."

"Well...because she's pregnant," Phyllis explained quietly to Angela, as she made yet another poster. This one that Michael had demanded was even more ridiculous than the last.  She sprinkled glitter over the glue-written words.

Incredulous, Angela shrieked, "Again?"

----- Talking Head -----

"I don't begrudge Pam and Jim a baby...I really don't.  It's just frustrating when the closest some of us seem able to get to a baby is by holding the dolls at the American Girl store!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pam moved cautiously into the conference room, one hand on the door frame and the other cradling her burgeoning belly. "Hey, Angela...Phyllis, I really don't need a shower. I realize what a hassle it is to plan these things all the time. I mean, it was really nice of the committee to throw me one the first time with Jill, so I'm not really expecting -

"Thanks Pam," Phyllis said, interrupting softly. "But it's really not polite to call off a party once it's already been planned and prepped for."

Angela rolled her eyes at Pam. "Yes, thank you so much Pam for trying to call off a party that we've already spent hours planning.  Thank you for giving us permission to call it off."

Pam glanced at the camera and shook her head.  She couldn't win.  For the last few weeks she'd been doing her best to keep quiet about the baby, not to say anything to anyone that would remotely pass for ‘making a fuss.'  She and Jim had jokingly decided that they would consider "baby" a four letter word at work.  Just as offensive to some as f-word. So they just wouldn't say it - at all. So if they really had something to say about the baby, they'd IM one another.  Yet, even that had drawn sneers from Dwight.

"If all you two are going to do is instant message all day than you might as well just being having sex right here on the desk...because you're not getting any work done and it's just as distracting."

Jim pushed out his bottom lip in deep thought and raised an eyebrow at Pam, as if to say ‘Maybe that's not such a bad idea."

Pam had rolled her eyes at Dwight. "Really Dwight? We're distracting you by typing? I type all the time."

"Not like that," Dwight had admonished. "Not like with so much...intensity and smiling. If you're going to do that...do it elsewhere Pam. You're a salesman now ok - act like one."

That had been exactly the way things had gone for the past few weeks. Everyone picking their every word and action apart.  Now it was Michael's turn.

He stopped at the door of the conference room. A frown instantly etched its way across his face. "Are you kidding me you guys? This is terrible! Where are the miniature storks I asked for?"

"Michael, miniature storks don't exist," Phyllis said, in between puffs on a pink balloon.

Angela stepped down from the chair she was standing on. "Michael, this is ridiculous...Not all of us are sleeping with Pam."

Pam's eyes widened to the size of saucers. "Angela -

Michael shook his head and groaned loudly as he looked down at his shoes. "Ugh...I swear I have to do everything around here. You guys need to step it up. STEP IT UP...This is Jim and Pam we're talking about -

Pam cut in quickly then, "Michael, it's really not necessary to throw Jim and I a shower."

She physically cleared the air with her hands. "Not, not, not necessary Michael."

"Are you kidding me?!" Michael said with eyes wide. "Pam it's absolutely necessary. Would you tell me not to have a shower for my wife or my sister or my neighbor?...No! You wouldn't."

"No," Pam whispered as she tried to figure that out. "I wouldn't...Because that would be weird..."

Taking a step closer to her, Michael placed his hands on Pam's belly soberly and  then slowly began caressing it.  Pam took a quick step back.

Michael went on, unphased by the rejection. "Pam it is our job to throw you an absolutely bitchin' shower.  If we can't throw you a shower...Then...well, Dunder-Mifflin is not the family I've always dreamed of us being."

-----Talking Head-----

Pam stared at the camera for a long moment and fidgeted in her seat. "Yeah, when Michael touches my stomach like that it really skeeves me out.  Interestingly enough though...it skeeves me out even more when Creed just looks at my stomach.  Because I'm pretty sure he's really just looking at my boobs."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Jim will you come in here for a moment please?" Michael bellowed from inside his office. "On the double? ASAP? Pronto? MAS RAPIDO POR FAVORE?"

"Favore?" Jim said quietly as he walked in, hands deep in his pockets. "I think you're mixing your Spanish with Italian."

"Don't be so smug Jim, the two languages are very similar."

Jim lifted an eyebrow at the camera in surprise as Michael kept talking.

Listen," Michael said ignoring his comment. "I heard Pam telling the PPC that she didn't need a shower."

"PPC?"

"Party Planning Committee....try and keep up, Jim" Michael quickly clarified. "Now, it's up to you to do whatever you have to do...to make her reconsider.  Parties and showers are what make this office great.  And if I can't shower with Pam, then I don't want to shower at all," Michael finished throwing up his hands.

Jim turned towards the camera, pressing his lips together an effort not to say anything.

Finally, he sighed. "Michael what I think Pam and I are both feeling is that people are acting kind of strange about the baby...I don't know"

"What do you mean?" Michael asked in genuine concern.

Jim took a deep breath.  It was the reaction they'd been fearing all along.  He hesitated for just a moment before speaking his mind. "A little just...resentful maybe."

"Resentful? Why on Earth would people feel resentful?"

Jim licked his lips and shook his head. "I don't know, Michael....Probably because we already have Jill and maybe people are just thinking...I don't know...maybe just some...jealousy. Not everyone is as...um...gracious," Jim said glancing at the camera. "As you are."

Michael gasped and leaned back in his chair. It all made sense. "Oh my God...Oh my God, Jim you're so right. They've always been jealous of us."

Jim just nodded silently.

"Me and you, man...Me and you, we're the two guys in the office with the best looks and the best jokes and all the charm...Ryan's lost a little of his mojo...God, man you'd think they could be happy for us!"

"I was actually talking about me and Pam  -

"And me," Michael corrected, while glancing at the camera. "Because I'm Jill's Godfather...this affects me too."

"Yes...that's...Right," Jim admitted slowly.

-----TALKING HEAD -----

Jim shook his head and smiled as he glanced to the side.

"Sometimes he just gets you...it's like he knows what he's doing sometimes.  You think you've got him cornered and you're going to get out of whatever crazy circle he's got you in...and then...nope," Jim said lifting his hands in awe. "It turns out he's got you on the ropes...I think - in another life he must've been some kind of crazy expert chess champion...and a very small fraction of that brain actually still works...God, I'm mixing metaphors now...Listen it's - Oh Godfather?" Jim continued when Steve the cameraman asked him another question. "Yes, Michael still thinks he's Jill's Godfather. It was either keep him thinking that for as long as possible or...give him some other job, like Tiger Wood's cousin...which...it just didn't seem fair to subject Tiger to that," Jim said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"David are you kidding me! This is a great plan and you're absolutely ruining it!"

"Michael you can not take the entire branch to the water park for the day...it's completely impractical," David Wallace voice emanated from the speaker phone in Michael's office.

"David," Michael sighed. "Jim and Pam are some of my very best employees and more importantly my best friends...and I want to send them off into the parenthood in style."

"Michael, don't they already have a child?"

"See! This is what I'm talking about!  Yes! Jill, my Goddaughter...But this is a new child, my new Goddaughter and I don't want her to feel like Jill is getting special treatment, David...I felt that way whenever my third cousins would come over and get to have dinner before me."

David was silent for a long moment.

Michael looked up at the camera. "David, are you still there?"

"I...Michael you can throw them a shower but it has to stay in the office and if we have to replace the carpet again, it's coming out of your paycheck."

Michael groaned.  "Fine, David. Fine. You tell this baby when she comes out that she wasn't as important as Jill.

"Michael -

Michael hung up and stared at the camera with wide, furious eyes.  He pointed at the phone. "That ladies and gentlemen is child abuse."

-----JOINT TALKING HEAD-----

"Last time we had a shower, Michael got really into it and wanted there to be a theme."

"A theme, other than babies," Jim said, elaborating on Pam's statement.

"Right...So, he decided that there had to be a reason why baby showers were called ‘showers' in the first place -

"So," Jim added. "He had Dwight staple gun a Slip & Slide to the ceiling in the conference room...you know...the kind that squirts water out on the sides."

"We were soaked in two minutes...I still don't understand how they got the hose connected in here."

"Ours is not to question Pam...ours is not to question." Jim said grinning at her.

She smiled back as her hand slipped along her rounded belly.

-----TALKING HEAD -----

Dwight smiled secretively at the camera. "It doesn't surprise me that they don't understand.  I'm a farmer, I know so many things about irrigation and hoses that they will never, ever know......How do I know they'll never know?  Because I will do everything in my power to keep it from them."

-----TALKING HEAD-----

"Pam's pregnant again? Creed asked, gazing wide eyed at the camera.  He nodded then slowly, as if something delightful had dawned on him. "That explains what's happening to her ...She should stay pregnant all the time."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pam pasted a bright smile on as Jim stood next to her, with a gentle hand at the small of her back.  He knew her lower back was killing her by this time of day.

"Are things ready yet Michael?" Pam asked with fatigue in her voice.

"No, no not yet!" Michael called from the other side of the conference room door.

"Oh sure Pam, just rush everything the way you always do!" Angela yelled from behind the door.  "This isn't a closet at a highschool party, you know!"

Pam did a ‘palms up' for the camera.  "Wh...

Kelly came near, hopping up and down next to Jim and Pam. "Oh my God Pam, I'm so excited for your shower."

Jim smiled at her. "Kelly I thought you'd be in there...helping with the um...surprise."

"Are you kidding? This is your second baby already.  How much attention do you guys need anyway?.........I love Jill though...You know I love Jill," Kelly said clarifying.

Jim and Pam exchanged glances.  Maybe they needed to consider taking Kelly off of the babysitting rotation.

"Hey guys," Toby said walking up. "Is it time for the shower yet?"

"We hope so..." Pam said brightly.

-----TALKING HEAD -----

"Pam's pregnant again..." Toby said quietly. "We...I think it's Jim's...I - I didn't ask."

----- TALKING HEAD -----

"Jim and Pam are having another baby," Ryan said drawing out the word ‘another'. "It's so sweet for them," he said with an obvious fake smile plastered across his face. "And so completely predictable.....Oh no, no I'm not knocking the notion of families.  My own family is amazing and so incredibly supportive of everything I do...I'm just saying it's exactly what you'd expect from Jim and Pam.

The way they look at each other in the office, the way Jim's always helping her stand up or sit down," Ryan began to get a far away look in his eyes.  His voice changed. A bit of longing attached itself to his next words. "I'm sure they go home together and just laugh about the craziness of this place and then curl up together on the sofa..." he stopped short, glanced down at his lap. "And then they probably watch some stupid sitcom.........Yeah just...so predictable. I feel sorry for them...I'll never be like that."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jim heard Kelly asking Ryan when they were gonna start making babies and thanked God above as Michael opened the conference room door just in time.

"Surprise!!!!" Michael yelled, with a slightly maniacal smile on his face.  Angela and Phyllis stayed quiet. There were pink streamers hanging from the ceiling and pink cups on the table. It looked...normal.

Meredith sighed as she took in the room. "Is this a dry shower?"

Michael frowned angrily at the camera. "See David ruined everything."

"Wh - who's that, Michael?" Pam said stopping short as she read the banner in the corner above the gifts.  It read simply, Welcome to the World, Malia!

"Who's Malia?" Jim asked as if he didn't already know.  He lifted a cup of punch to his mouth as he waited for Michael to answer. "Is this the um...surprise?"

Smiling like a giddy child for the camera, Michael explained, "I have taken the liberty of exercising my Godfatherly rights and I have named the child that you carry," he said reaching for Pam's stomach again.

Jim reached out without fervor, knocking Michael's hand away.

"Malia," Michael finished with a smile.

"Michael we...we're thinking of names," Pam said then.

"Yeah Michael," Toby began almost inaudibly. "Dwight and I are also Godfathers...You didn't think maybe we had the right to weigh in on this?"

"Oh God...Not you.  What are we supposed to do? If we let you name the baby, she'll end up with some name like Sasha or something else equally lame."

Jim looked at the camera.

Phyllis giggled. "Michael those are both President Obama's kid's names."

Michael gasped and spun around to look at Jim and Pam. "Oh my God is that why you guys don't want Malia as a name?  Are you racists? I can't let Jill or Malia be raised by racists," Michael finished on a whisper.

"Michael we just want to pick our own name, that's all," Jim said finally.

"Yeah," Dwight quipped from where he sat in the corner of the conference room "Because you're doing such a bang up job at that."

-----TALKING HEAD -----

"Jim, Pam, and Jill...how cute...No - that's a lie - that is false," Dwight said emphatically. "How could names get anymore boring than that? 

At least if they would have let Michael choose the name it would have had some character.  In the Schrute family names are very important.  Every year there's a specific letter your child must be named for...like a hurricane.  One year, my aunt Ingrid completely forgot that it was the year of the ‘D'....we're pretty sure that's why Mose turned out the way that he did."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After cookies and punch it was time for gifts and Pam smiled as she handed the larger boxes over to Jim to hold, balancing the smaller boxes one on her knees. 

"Oh thank you," he said grinning at her. "I'll just um...hold these."

"Thank you," she said grinning back at him. "You're very useful."

"Oh my God, gag," Kelly said bitterly. "You guys are so sweet you make me want to poke a thousand needles in my eye sometimes."

How the tides had turned with Ryan sitting next to her.

"That's excessive," Jim muttered.

Ryan nodded in solemn agreement with Kelly, but put one hand on her knee just the same.

Pam slipped her fingers beneath the seam of the paper bag that acted as gift wrap from Meredith. She knew what it was before she ever got the paper off, her fingers slowed down and they trailed along the words etched across the package.

"Oh...th - thanks Meredith," Pam said lifting the box of Trojan Extra Extra Large so that the camera could see them. "How thoughtful."

Meredith nodded slowly, with an all knowing glance at Jim.

Jim quickly averted his eyes and swallowed hard. "Next gift?"

"Don't you dare use those Jim!" Michael exclaimed with a chuckle.  He placed a hand on Pam's shoulder. "We want Pammy here barefoot and pregnant for-ever."

Dwight nodded in agreement as he lewdly stuffed a pink frosted cupcake into his mouth.

-----TALKING HEAD -----

"I'll hand it to Jim. I didn't think he had it in him...I mean - the child has been identified as female, but still...in the Schrute family his name would be added to a plaque denoting virility...Pam would need to get pregnant at least five more times for him to get the real prize though...a certificate of virility.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Ok, thanks Kevin," Pam held up the breast pump. "For this."

"Day late and a dollar too early Kevin," Michael said grinning. "I got her that very same pump...no wait - mine was a little different," he said taking the box from Pam, "When she had Jill."

"You only put in a dollar for that," Dwight reminded. "I remember very clearly."

Michael waved him off.

"Open mine Tuna!" Andy called out excitedly. He grinned from ear to ear.

Jim smiled as he did the honors.  Pam smiled widely when Jim lifted the lid on the small white box, and pulled white tissue paper away from the cutest little pink polo shirt. "Aaah, Andy this is really adorable...thank you."

"Nice touch," Oscar said smiling at Andy. "Get your influence in early."

"Really...adorable," Pam said again.

Finally, Michael turned to Stanley who sat with a cross-word puzzle in the corner, having disregarded every moment of the shower. "What about you Stanley the Manley, what'd you get our two star-crossed lovers?"

"I got them a toaster for their wedding," Stanley said, never looking up. "That's enough."

Ignoring him, Michael continued on with Jim and Pam. "Open the big one now, Pam...It looks like you saved the best for last."

Standing up Jim lifted the box easily and sat it gently at Pam's feet.  Her eyes widened at how fluidly he picked it up and put it down. "It's not very heavy," Jim whispered at her expression.

"Ok...Thanks Michael," Pam said just staring at the gift before she opened it.

-----TALKING HEAD -----

"I've found that the best way to handle a gift from Michael is just to say thank you before you even open it.  That way if you're too shocked to speak once you do open it...you're good," Pam said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jim leaned forward to get a better look, upon Pam's awed gasp. He reached out to touch the beautiful quilt folded up at the bottom of the massive box.  Apparently the box had once contained a flat screen.

Gently, Pam tugged the patchwork quilt from the box and laid it across her lap.  "Wow...Michael..."

Pastels of pinks and blues, yellows and greens adorned every delicate square.  And it was so, so soft. 

"Michael this is beautiful," Jim said. "What made you..."

"I was just driving around one Saturday afternoon in the country, after my weekly pick-up basketball game with my homies, when I saw these quilts...just there at the side of the road in the hood...one of those Pennsylvania Sweden women were just out doing their thing..."

Pam stared wide-eyed at him. "Michael these quilts are really expensive. We can't let you -

"Ah - I insist Pamalamama...It is my gift to Malia."

Jim bit his tongue and smiled softly at Pam.  He spoke as they both turned to their boss. "This is a great gift, Michael."

-----TALKING HEAD-----

"I got a new cat just last week. Did anyone buy me a three hundred dollar quilt? No...These people are extremely insensitive.   How on earth do they expect me to feel planning these parties and never getting anything in return?  How do they expect my cats to feel, continually snubbed...every year.

------TALKING HEAD-----

"I know the woman who sold Michael that quilt.  She's not a Pennsylvania Dutch...She made tents of the same beautiful fabric at Woodstock...or maybe that was Central Park...One can't be sure.  I'm sure I had sex with her though...On a quilt just like that one...it was beautiful."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey everybody," Jim said standing up a few minutes later, with a huge smile on his face. "Thank you so much for the shower...the time it took to plan it and all the gifts. Pam and I really appreciate it, but we actually have to be going now - Grandma's not gonna watch Jill forever...so..."

"Oh, you should've brought Jill!" Kelly squealed, apparently chipper again. One never knew what they were going to get.

"Ha!" Pam said. "Yeah, a bunch of gifts for someone else?...Not so much fun for her,"

Pam glanced at Jim before she looked back at the entire office. They smiled at one another. This was their office family for better or worse. "Thank you so, so much. This was really nice."

"I tried to make it rain," Michael said, shaking his head apologetically as Jim helped Pam gather their things. "But David put the kibosh on it..."

"Oh Michael it's really ok.  It was better this way...without...you know - everyone getting wet..."  Pam explained.

"That's what she said...No, that's - it's inappropriate," Michael finished, looking down and muttering to himself.  "I'm gonna have to cut that out before the baby comes."

Just like before Jill had arrived, Michael had inexplicably tried to tone down the inappropriate comments.

Jim and Pam started to slowly making their way to the office entrance with packages in hand when Michael caught up to them. "Hey, Pam!...I just wanted...," He glanced down at her belly.  It was the first time he'd actually asked.  "May I?"

Pam took a deep breath and nodded slightly. "Sure Michael...go ahead...thank you for asking."

"Sssh," Michael said, his hands on her the instant the word ‘sure' had come out of her mouth. "I'm trying to hear her."

"There's not a ton to hear, but maybe she'll move for you.  She was pretty active during the shower," Pam said quietly.

"She was?" Michael asked in awe.

"Yeah."

"Wow...what's it feel like?"

Pam pulled her mouth to the side and glanced at Jim before looking back at Michael who had tears in his eyes. She suddenly felt herself welling up too.  Oh no...

"Um...Who do you love most in the world, Michael?"

He looked up at her and lowered his voice. "Um...my mom...or Holly."

Pam nodded slightly. "Ok, well um...just...imagine you get to carry your mom or Holly around with you all day long and they just always stay with you all the time...really close...so close that they don't even feel separate from you at all, but just like - another part of you...but a part that makes you feel so warm inside...and full...That's what it feels like."

"Wow," Michael said gazing at her.

------TALKING HEAD -----

Michael sat behind his desk.  "Pam misunderstood me. I was actually just asking her what it felt like to be so amazingly...fat.  But she felt the need to un...burden - bored herself...and that was good too...That was real good......They were good things to imagine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jim juggled a bunch of gifts in one arm, and took Pam's left hand in his as they walked to their car parked beneath the stars.  "I think I do kind of like Malia actually."

"No you don't," Pam said.

"No, I don't."

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