PHalpert: What’s going on there?

JHalpert: Oh just painting my nails actually.

PHalpert: Oooh ‘Not Really a Waitress’?

JHalpert: No, no…it’s a new color called ‘Really a Waitress/Mime.”

PHalpert: Nice!

JHalpert: I thought so. Compliments my eyes.

PHalpert: Jill just rolled over.

JHalpert: SHUT UP

PHalpert: Sorry…well she kinda did.

JHalpert: Pam, you deliberately bated me into saying something stupid just so you could spring that on me!

PHalpert: I did not! How is ‘what’s going on there?’ bating you?

JHalpert: ::sigh:: So what’d she roll over and do?

PHalpert: What do you mean?...Nothing. She just rolled over. Like I said it wasn’t really a big deal.

JHalpert: ::rolling eyes:: My dog in the third grade would at least get up and fetch afterwards.

PHalpert: That’s just mean. I’m talking about your daughter!

JHalpert: Did you film this supposed ‘rolling over’

PHalpert: No!

JHalpert: Then it didn’t happen. When I see it for the first time…I’ll will say it’s the first time.

PHalpert: Ugh. Suck it.

~~~~~~~

JHalpert: Dwight must die.

PHalpert: What did he do?

JHalpert: He has decided that only he and Michael have access to the vending machine because ‘others’ use it for silly games and a vending machine is a privilege.

PHalpert: Did you hide one of his bobble heads again and make him pay for it? You have to stop doing that.

JHalpert: Pam it was just his stapler.

PHalpert: What happened to putting it in jello?

JHalpert: Oh I ate it all.

PHalpert: I thought we just bought some the other day.

JHalpert: We did, but last night after you went to bed, I made some. You were tired so…

PHalpert: You ate all of that last night?

JHalpert: Yeah. Hey how about Italian tonight?

PHalpert: Jim. Did you give some to Jill?

JHalpert: What?

PHalpert: Did you give Jill Jello?

JHalpert: No…yes.

PHalpert: JIM!

JHalpert: What! Pam, she looked HUNGRY. I’m supposed to just ignore my child’s hunger pangs?

PHalpert: She’s not on solid foods yet Jim!

JHalpert: She just licked it…that’s all…I ate the rest.

PHalpert: :::SIGH:::

JHalpert: STOP it’s jello, not pizza. Although she did enjoy that as well.

PHalpert: If she gets sick you’re taking her to the doctor.

JHalpert: Obviously Pam…I am her devoted father who actually feeds her.

PHalpert: I think Dwight needs an anonymous tip that you are planning to stuff the vending machine with his things again. And that he should be on the look out.

JHalpert: Pam…

PHallpert: Hmmm…PHalpert signing off…

~~~~~~~

PHalpert: Hey Jim are you busy?

JHalpert: What kind of question is that? No…Everything ok? This is usually shower time.

PHalpert: I think Jill might be sick.

JHalpert: Why?

PHalpert: I don’t know she’s just…not herself. I don’t know how to explain it. She doesn’t want to play with that plaid teddy bear that your mom got her and she’s just…I don’t know. She’s kind of warm too. I could be just making too big of a deal out of it. But she’s just acting funny.

JHalpert: You wanna take her in to the doctor?

PHalpert: Yeah is that stupid?

JHalpert: No, I’ll meet you there.

PHalpert: Ok, in 20 minutes?

JHalpert: Will do. See you. Give her a kiss for me.

PHalpert: K, love you. Bye.

~~~~~~~

JHalpert: Hey, how was shopping with your mom?

PHalpert: Ok

JHalpert: Really?

PHalpert: Yeah

JHalpert: Oook. No desire to elaborate.

PHalpert: We went shopping. We didn’t go to a museum. Shopping is shopping.

JHalpert: Ok, sorry I asked. Did you and your mom get in a fight?

PHalpert: Nope.

JHalpert: Did I leave the toilet seat up or something? What’s up?

PHalpert: Guess who I ran into at the mall?

JHalpert: ???????????

PHalpert: Karen.

JHalpert: Oh

PHalpert: Guess who looked PERFECT?

JHalpert: There’s really no good answer here. If I say ‘You’ – you’re gonna say I’m lying. If I say ‘Karen’ that’s no good either….Hmm, how about ‘Your mom?’

PHalpert: Great Jim

JHalpert: Jill?

PHalpert: Just what I wanted…Jokester Jim

JHalpert: Was she rude to you or something?

PHalpert: No of course she wasn’t. She was flawless and perfect and looked at me and the baby and then just smiled like I was SAD.

JHalpert: Ok…Tell me what I need to say to end this. You’re way pissed right now…not sure why you’re pissed AT ME….

PHalpert: Does she work out?

JHalpert: You’re kidding right? Pam I’m not having a conversation about Karen’s exercise habits.

PHalpert: Why the hell not? I talk about Roy when you want to know something.

JHalpert: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. How often do I really want to know about ROY? Pam get a grip!

PHalpert: Don’t yell at me.

JHalpert: I’m not yelling, but this is beyond ridiculous.

PHalpert: Call me.

JHalpert: No, I’m not calling you to talk about whether Karen does or doesn’t work out.

PHalpert: That’s because she doesn’t work out. She’s perfect without working out…while others of us work our asses off and it doesn’t help.

JHalpert: Pam - I don’t have time for this. I’m signing off.

PHalpert: Go ahead.

JHalpert: Hey

JHalpert: Hey…

JHalpert: Are you gonna talk to me? The ‘away’ message isn’t fooling anybody. I know you leave it on all day.

PHalpert: Oh sorry. Forgot to turn it off.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me,” Jim muttered under his breath, all while whipping out his cell phone.

“You shouldn’t use the F-word on company time.”

Jim glared at Dwight and got up from his desk, dialing before he hit the corridor. He walked out into the hall, shaking his head the entire way. Was she kidding? The phone rang several times, the answering machine picked up. He stepped into the elevator and called back. It was ringing again when he hit the afternoon air.  

“What!”

“Ok, are you kidding me? What the hell is the matter?” Jim spat pacing around his car.

“Not sure what you’re talking about. I thought you weren’t going to call me about Karen.”

“I’m not calling you about Karen! I’m calling you about you! Did you lose your brain at the mall?”

“Nice Jim.”

“I wasn’t trying to be!...You’re being a lunatic!”

“I’m not being a lunatic!”

“Um…I’m sorry, yes you are. I IMd to see how your day is going and you go off on me about running into Karen, who I haven’t seen or heard from since the day I broke up with her because I couldn’t seem to get over YOU. And then what happened? Oh yeah…I’m sorry, I MARRIED YOU…oh and then, then…WAIT, let me make sure I got the time line right…Yes, yes…we had a BABY…uhuh. RIGHT, but apparently because you’ve put on some weight none of that actually matters…sorry. Unfortunately I didn’t realize a few pounds equaled Jim is an asshole.”

Jim stopped and caught his breath. He ran a hand through his hair when all he heard was sniffling on the other end of the line. He shook his head and pressed his lips together. He whispered finally, “I’m sorry…but this is – Pam, come on…”

Pam spoke through muffled sobbing. “No…it’s my fault, I’m sorry. You’re…you’re right, I’m being ridiculous. I didn’t mean to…”

“Hey…” More sniffling was all he got in response so he spoke again. “Hey…you ok?”

Pam whispered. “Yeah…no, I’m fine.”

“I’m gonna come home.”

“No, don’t…you don’t have to. I’m being an idiot. Just stay at work…You don’t need to come home and console your emotionally unstable wife.”

Jim glanced at his watch. He couldn’t wait another 3 hours. “I’m on my way. I’ll see you in a bit…”

“Ok.”

~~~~~~~

PHalpert: Hey, I’m sending you something…

JHalpert: Tulips?

PHalpert: No…check your email.

JHalpert: That was really cute. I especially liked part where the cat actually ‘meowed’ the words “I’m sorry”. Does the brilliance of You Tube have no end?

PHalpert: I just wanted you to know I appreciate you.

JHalpert: I know. Thank you. :-)

PHalpert: :::smooches::::

JHalpert: Was there tongue in that?

PHalpert: Obviously

~~~~~~

PHalpert: Guess what I just got us?

JHalpert: What?

PHalpert: Shins tickets

JHalpert: Shut up

PHalpert: Nope. You and me, Halpert…floor seats.

JHalpert: Ok, seriously I think I just squealed like a little girl…Dwight looked up at me and made a disapproving face.

PHalpert: lol

JHalpert: What brought this on?

PHalpert: Still making up for being a wacko

JHalpert: Damn, I think I like it when you’re a wacko.

PHalpert: I already called your mom to see if she’d babysit and she’s totally excited.

JHalpert: Man I love it when my wife has to make up for being a wacko.

PHalpert: :-)…Ok, get back to work

JHalpert: I think I’ll change my sign-on to a Shins song and re-train Dwight.

PHalpert: Yay! Let me know how that goes.

JHalpert: Will do. …Oh hey! BTW….wish you were here.

PHalpert: Love you.

~~~~~~~

JHalpert: How’s the project coming?

PHalpert: Ok I guess…lame.

JHalpert: It didn’t look lame when I left.

PHalpert: It’s gotten exponentially lamer as the hours have passed.

JHalpert: Wow. Maybe you can tell your professor that the lame fairies came and cursed it.

PHalpert: If a lame fairy came wouldn’t that mean that the curse would fail? Hence the lameness.

JHalpert: Oh hold on…let me ask your brother Dwight…

PHalpert: Suck it. You’re the one who brought up fairies…girl.

JHalpert: Whoa. Hostile. Again, let me consult your brother…

PHalpert: ::sigh:: your daughter just started crying – even she thinks your lame now.

JHalpert: No. I distinctly remember the lame gene coming from you.

JHalpert: Pam?

JHalpert: Paaaaaam…

JHalpert: PAMELA….

PHalpert: Some of us have to change diapers, Jim. Not all of us are busy doing nothing at work.

JHalpert: Um, I already closed 2 sales today ok…that’s like unheard of around here.

PHalpert: Hmm…that’s pretty hot actually.

JHalpert: Figures that’s what’s goin’ on…your feisty today.

PHalpert: LOL

~~~~~~~

PHalpert: OMG!

JHalpert: What?!

PHalpert: Michael just called to ask me what my favorite sexual position was!

PHalpert: He did! He said he wanted to know because he was afraid he was no longer pleasing Jan!

PHalpert: Yes! You have to go talk to him!

JHalpert: What? What am I gonna do, tell him mine?

PHalpert: No! But just…ew!

JHalpert: That’s totally sick.

PHalpert: Totally Jim, you don’t understand!

JHalpert: So what did you tell him?

PHalpert: Oh gross, I didn’t tell him anything!

JHalpert: Are you sure? You sound kind of…guilty. Like you told him something. Like you were naughty Pam.

PHalpert: Suck it. I didn’t tell him anything.

JHalpert: It’s ok if you did Pam. Don’t feel bad…

PHalpert: STOP IT

JHalpert: It’s ok. Don’t worry. I wouldn’t have told him either. Maybe like…location, but not position.

PHalpert: Why do I even bother with you?

JHalpert: Well because I live with you…and your favorite place is the dining room…so…

PHalpert: OMG. ERASE your screen.

JHalpert: Are you kidding?

PHalpert: NO ERASE IT

JHalpert: Pam

PHalpert: Don’t expect anything out of the dining room but food if you leave that on your screen.

JHalpert: Wow. A pervert and a control freak.

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