~~

Roy has annoyed Pam again. She’s leaning on her desk and Roy is trying to convince her to talk to him. “Come on,” he says, his hands creeping to her stomach again. She starts giggling as he tickles her and starts whining.

“Roy, stop it! Stop it ha ha ROY!  Roy I swear I’ll hit you! Stop it!  ROY!” She manages to say through the giggles. Suddenly she hits him as hard as she can with a fry pan she had been hiding under her desk. Roy falls to the ground immediately unconscious. “I said stop it ass!” she yells.

~~

Pam and Jim are in the kitchen having a serious conversation. “Do you love Karen?” Pam asks quietly, dreading the answer.

Not looking at her, he slowly nods. “Yeah…” he says quietly. He moves to meet Pam’s eye. There is a moment of horrified silence… and they both snort and burst out laughing. Pam holds up her hand and Jim gives her a high-five.

“Nice one!” Pam says giggling. She turns to the camera which is hiding behind the blinds over the window. “Man that’s gonna piss you guys off sooo much!”

~~

Jim approaches Pam’s desk and leans on his elbows as usual. “Hey Pam,” he says with that formality which has been growing more and more whenever he spoke to her in the past few months.

“Hey,” she replies in that casual (but actually not casual) voice.

“So… I’ve worked it out in my head aaaand… I’m thinking we schedule an argument. What do you say?” he asks.

“You want to… schedule an argument?” Pam asks a little confused. Jim simply nods. After a moment of silence: “Sure. What time? About one?”

“Oo ones no good for me. I promised Dwight I’d argue with him about putting his glasses in the freezer… and then accidentally dropping them…” Jim replies. What a nuisance! “But I’m free for 1.30… as long as it doesn’t go past two… Karen wants to yell at me a little bit as well.”

“Won’t it be better for 2.30 then? Because I’m pretty sure it’d go on a little more then ha-

But Jim cuts her off. “No, no, no. We’re not supposed to get it all out of the way in one go – NBC would hate us.”

“Oo right. Okay sure. 1.30 sounds great.” She smiles at him reassuringly.

“Great!” Jim says happily. “Looking forward to it,” he says as he returns to his desk.

~~~~

(1)

Pam and Jim are sitting in the conference room. “Okay so… did you want to start or…” Jim asks politely.

“Umm… okay then… well I’m mad at you for ignoring me now because you have a girlfriend.” Pam begins, in an almost casual tone.

“Okay…” Jim begins slowly. “Well I’m mad at you for being mad at me because… I really have no idea what that means.” Jim replies, smiling.

“It means you have a girlfriend now so there’s really nothing wrong with talking to me because you’re over me so… be my friend.” Pam says, a little bit of her frustration showing now.

“Okay… well have you ever thought that the reason I haven’t been talking to you is because I’m not over you?” Jim asks reasonably.

“That’s an even better reason to come talk to me ‘cos you might just find out that I’m into you too.”

“Well… I know that your not so…”

“Well… I kinda am so…” After this remark, they stare at each other.

“Okay… this is getting a bit off topic,” Jim says. “Alright let me start now. You rejected me umm… twice? Yeah twice that’s right.” He takes a deep breath. “Aaaaand when I moved, you dropped Roy. The way I found out about it was Michael telling you to ‘have fun on your date tonight’ on the phone…” He squints in a Jim-ish way. “Not sure but I thhhhink that’s a tiny little bit… what’s the word… umm… bitchy.”

“Oh sure I’m bitchy.” Pam scoffs.

“Yeah you kinda are.” Jim replies.

“Okay put yourself in my shoes. I was getting married in a month. I’d been with Roy ten years. Do you seriously think that I could even consider dropping everything for a guy I only thought of as my best friend? No matter how wrong Roy was for me, and how right you were for me, I couldn’t just go home with you Jim! And then by the time I realized how I felt – you’d moved!” In a little bit more of a sarcastic tone she adds: “Are you starting to see the flaws in your thinking Jim? I dunno, just tiny little cracks?” Jim starts to speak but stops at this remark, his mouth still hanging half open. His eyes drift away in realization. Yes, dear audience. He looks like an idiot.

Suddenly Jim’s watch beeps and he checks the time. “Oh look it’s two already,” he says, a little surprised and with no indication that what Pam had just revealed bothered him.

“Oh really?” Pam asks, a little disappointed and standing up. “Too bad I was kind of looking forward to where this was going.”

“Yeah me too actually. Well… guess we’ll have to do this again some time.” He says smiling at her. In unison, they turn to the camera and say: “Don’t miss us! We’ll be back in six weeks so you can continue to see us avoiding each other! Here on NBC.” They wave happily and then an advertisement about Dwight’s new shatter-proof glasses replaces their image.

~~

Michael and Catherine Zeta-Jones are in the kitchen. Making out. (2)

~~

Dwight: Andy and I are GETTING MARRIED!! Omigosh omigosh omigosh! I’m SOO excited!

~~

Karen and Pam are in a cat-fight.

Jim is half-heartedly trying to break it up but is unable to keep a smile off his face.

Karen and Pam are best friends.

Jim is leaning on Pam’s desk and has his head in his hands. He shakes his head slowly and says, “Gosh you’re amazing.”

Michael is just the way he is.

Roy and Jim are in a constant fight.

Jim has managed to finally kill Dwight with the help of the rest of the office.

~~

Roy does something mean to Pam again. Jim taps him in on the shoulder and as soon as he turns around, he gets knocked over by a punch. Pam stares at him with a dreamy expression. “My hero!” They make out.

~~

There is a line that extends past the exit door of people lining up to slap Michael. When it comes to Dwight he stares at his boss for a moment and shakes his head slowly as if disgraced. Then he slaps him as hard as he can and cries out “WHY?”  He turns and runs straight toward the bathroom. Jim runs after to him to make sure he’s okay.

~~

There is a line up to slap Angela.

There is a line up to make out with Angela.

~~

There is a line up to slap Jim. Pam and Karen are at the head of the line. Pam steps forward and then turns to Karen behind her and says formally, “Karen, after you,” she gestures towards Jim a lot like offering a friend to go throw a door before her.

Karen inclines her head and says just as formally, “Thank you Pam.” She brings her hand back and slaps Jim as hard as possible.

Pam gets excited and starts clapping and jumping up and down. “Ok, ok my turn now! My turn,” she says excitedly.

~~

You guessed it, there is a line up to make out with him too.

~~

Karen and Pam are leaning against the wall next to the kitchen. Jim walks by and opens the door. (INSERT PRANK HERE)

Karen and Pam collapse on each other and fall down to the ground.

~~

Subtitle: What Kevin’s always wanted. (3)

Kevin has brand new glasses. But they aren’t just any sort of glasses, yes friends, they have the ability to do what every guy has always wanted them to do and only what Superman has been able to accomplish: see through women’s clothing.

These days, it is a rare event to see Kevin around the office, by the reception desk or at his own work desk, not giggling uncontrollably, and he is the only one who really knows why.

Kevin: They’re spy glasses. I got them off e-bay. (Turns to interviewer and nods slowly) Niiiiiiiiiiiiice.

~~

Jim: Hey Dwight, what are you doing?

Dwight: Your mother, Jim. Your Mother.

INTERVIEW WITH JIM: Yeah I never thought I’d see the day when I’d want to steal a joke from Dwight but… somehow… it’s happened.

~~

Pam: I’m in love with you Jim.

Jim: Ha ha! Good luck with that.

~~

Jan is in Michael’s office with him, and they are having a conversation. Kevin knocks on the door and walks in and then stops when he sees Jan. “Yeah Kevin, what’s up?” Michael asks wearily. However, Kevin does not reply. He adjusts his new glasses on his head and starts giggling, unable to keep his eyes off of Jan.

~~

They settle down in the conference room.

Dwight: You broke my glasses.

Jim: No I didn’t.

Dwight: Yes you did.

Jim: No I didn’t.

Dwight: Yes you did!

Dwight: … wait a second. This isn’t an argument.

Jim: Yes it is.

Dwight: No it isn’t.

Jim: Yes it is.

Dwight: No it isn’t. It’s just contradictions.

Jim: No it’s not.

Dwight: Yes it is.

Jim: No it’s not.
Dwight: Yes it is! You just contradicted me.

Jim: No I didn’t.

Dwight: Yes you did! An argument’s not a contradiction.

Jim: … it can be.

Dwight: No it can’t.

Jim: Yes it can.

Dwight: No it can’t.

Jim: Yes it can.

Dwight: No it c-

Jim: Oh! Look at that! Times up.

Dwight: That was NOT half an hour.

Jim: …

Dwight: It wasn’t.

Jim: Sorry times up I can’t argue anymore.

Dwight: But it wasn’t an argument!

Jim: … (Shakes head)

Dwight: It wasn’t!

Jim: (continues shaking head)

Dwight: How can I get more time then?

Jim: You could pay me.

Dwight: It wasn’t even an argument!

Jim: … (Shakes head and remains silent)

Dwight: Fine (pays him) well?

Jim: Well what?

Dwight: I just paid you!

Jim: No you didn’t.

Dwight: Yes I did!

Jim: No you didn’t.

Dwight: HA! Then why are you arguing with me?

Jim: It’s not an argument.

Dwight: Yes it is!

Jim: No it isn’t. It’s just contradictions.

Dwight: You just said it isn’t!

Jim: No I didn’t.

Dwight: Yes you did!

Jim: No I didn’t

Dwight: I’ve had enough of this.

Jim: No you haven’t.

Dwight: Oh shut up! (Leaves)