You’ve never liked change.
You’ve never liked change. You don’t like the uncertainty of it, the risk that it implies. You don’t like that once things change they’re never the same again, never the way they were. There’s no going back once things change, not really. Things can change again, back and forth, but they’ll never be the same way they were before they changed that first time. You think that maybe things could change and be better, but you know that maybe they won’t be better, maybe they could be worse. Either way, you know that they won’t be the same. And you like sameness. It’s comfortable, you think, familiar, unsurprising. And you don’t really like surprises.
You don’t really like surprises. Well, really, you do like surprises, sometimes; you do like surprising someone else. You like saying something unexpected, something that makes someone laugh. You like the smiles it gets you, but that’s not the point, you think, not the point at all right now. You think that maybe this just makes it all more complicated, the way you like the smiles and the eyes that widen and maybe sparkle just a little bit. But still, you don’t like being surprised yourself. You think there’s too much disappointment in surprises. You’ve come to expect it, and you don’t think that expectation should have any part in surprises. You think surprises should always be good, should make you happy, but most surprises aren’t good, they’re just disappointing. You think they’re never what you would have really wanted if only you’d just been asked. And you want someone just to ask you first, once. And you don’t know if anyone has ever really asked you want you want.
You don’t know if anyone has ever really asked you what you want. Well, really, you know someone has, but you don’t want to think about that, not that, not now; someone else should have asked you what you wanted years ago, you think, not just assumed they knew. Because now you don’t even know what you want. You think that maybe it’s been years since you last knew that, and now you don’t have any clue what you want.
You don’t have any clue what you want. Well, really, you do, kind of; there’s this little nagging voice that’s been in the back of your mind for a while now and it makes you think that maybe things could be different. Maybe things could change and maybe they would be better. They could never be the same, you know this, you know that things will never be the way they were a month ago or even just the way that they were yesterday or an hour ago, but maybe they could be better. Maybe, you think, maybe they could be better. But still. You don’t like change, you never have.
You don’t like change, you never have, not even pocket change. Well, really, you did, once, when you were little; you think that all little kids get excited when they find change on the sidewalk. You think all little kids like the way it jingles in piggy banks, shiny and promising. But that was years ago, you think, years, and it’s been a very long time since you’ve felt anything positive towards pocket change. You hate the way it accumulates, like leftovers, dirty, disappointing; the bulk of it weighing down your pockets, building up until you want to use it and then when you finally try to it’s never even the right coins. And you think that maybe this might just be the problem, That all this change has been accumulating for a long, long time, for years, building up, weighing you down, and you never noticed it before but now you think it isn’t even the right kind and it just keeps jingling and the sound you remember liking, once, years ago, you now just think is deafening. There’s just too much of it, you think, maybe ten years of the stuff, all thrown into the bottom of your bag and weighing just so much that you don’t know if you can even begin to deal with it. You think that there’s just too much of it to deal with and maybe you should just leave it alone.
You think there’s just too much of it and maybe you should just leave it alone. Well, really, you think there’s so much of it that you can’t just leave it alone; not now, not anymore. You think maybe it’s time to deal with all this change that’s piled up, sort it out, see if any of it could be useful. You think that maybe, if you sort through all of it, you might be able to do something with it. And you think that maybe it could be better if it was sorted out. Maybe it wouldn’t be so loud and maybe you might know what it is you want again. Maybe you kind of already do know. Maybe you have for a long time, for years, but you think maybe you’re only just realizing you know. Then again, you think that maybe you realized this a while ago and have just been too afraid to admit it. Because you really don’t like change, you never have.
You really don’t like change. But you think that maybe you’ve let your fear of change – because that’s what it is, you can admit it, this isn’t just dislike but a deep and visceral fear you feel towards change – you think that maybe you’ve let this fear go too far. You think that maybe you’ve let it control you long enough, and you think that it’s weighing you down like pocket change and that maybe it’s time to just let go. Maybe it is time to just deal with the piles of it and make something of it. And you think that maybe it will be better once you do.
You think that maybe it will be better once you do. Well, really, you’re pretty sure it will be better, pretty sure that there will be surprises, some good and some disappointing, you think; but you think with a certainty you haven’t felt in a long time that maybe the smiles will be worth it.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Pam, thoughts after Casino Night.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.
