After the Booze Cruise, I thought it’d be pretty tough to improve on the quarterly comraderie event. But this year…I think it’s safe to say that I’ve outdone myself.
“AttenTION!” Michael bellowed in a drill sergeant voice stepping out of his office. Some looked up from their work while others paid no attention to the inevitably insignificant announcement about to be made.
“As you all know, it’s time for this quarter’s comraderie event and, I must say, if you thought the Booze Cruise was good…”
“It wasn’t good,” came Angela’s terse reply.
“We almost faced a lawsuit,” Toby interjected.
Meredith stayed quiet, sipping from her Big Gulp cup whose contents remained a mystery to the rest of the office.
I was a big fan of last year’s event. I don’t remember a lot of it…but from what I hear, I had a really good time.
“Lawsuit, shmawsuit. The point is, this year’s is bigger, better, and demands that you…” Michael paused to smear black paint under his eyes.
“Be all that you can be.” With that, he wagged his eyebrows and retreated back to his office, peering through the blinds in an attempt to inconspicuously gauge his employee’s reactions.
There was a moment of silence before Dwight, suddenly alert, spoke up.
“Oh my God,” he said quietly. “We’re going to war.”
“No we’re not,” Jim said, not looking up from the paperwork in front of him.
“Yes we are. Michael is forming an army and leading us into battle. He’s like the great Douglas Macarthur—“
“Macarthur abandoned his troops in the Philippines.”
“No, you know what Jim, we can’t have this kind of mutiny already. You’re either with us or against us.”
“Well, if he is forming an army,” Jim tapped a pencil to his chin. “Then I guess that makes me a lieutenant which means you’re below me. And frankly, I don’t appreciate that kind of talk from a subordinate.” Jim returned to work, biting back a laugh at the sight of a jaw-dropped Dwight.
Yeah, I actually did think about joining the military after high school. But I figured going straight to college would lead to a better future. Jim paused and looked at the camera. And look at how well that turned out.
From inside his office, Michael watched as his troops went about their workday, seemingly unimpressed from his announcement.
I think they’re still in shock. But I think boot camp will be good for them. It was actually very simple: I made a call to, get this, Fort Mifflin and said that we were interested in using their facilities for a company event. They were pretty nice about it, but the general made it clear that he was in charge. Which is fine, I totally respect those guys; I would have joined the military had it not been for my asthma. That…that was a setback.
Pam felt a headache coming on at the thought of Dunder-Mifflin boot camp and made her way to the break room for tea. She hesitated, seeing Jim and Karen laughing over something, but decided to brave it and walked in as they were in mid conversation.
“—underestimate my skills, Halpert. My dad was the sergeant of the ROTC at my high school. I learned a thing or two.”
“I just can’t see you doing pushups and running through tires.” Jim said with a laugh, stopping short at Pam’s entrance.
“Hey,” she said casually, moving to the cabinets.
“Ready for boot camp?” Karen offered with a weak smile.
“Oh…yeah. You know me, totally pumped.” She mentally winced. Totally pumped?
“Well, that’s good that you’re ‘totally pumped.’ General Scott wouldn’t have it any other way.” Jim grinned for a moment before catching Karen’s glare. He then turned more serious.
“Okay then, back to work.” He dumped the remainder of his coffee back in the sink and had to keep himself from sprinting back to his desk in order to avoid the awkwardness at hand.
He returned to his desk to find Dwight concentrating fiercely on making badges out of scrap paper.
It’s a good thing we are not actually going into war. Most of these imbeciles would be doomed. They do not have the proper training nor the bravery needed on the battlefield. I, however, have both. Dwight looked fiercely into the camera.
Times ten.
xxx
Pam glanced up from reception as Michael strode in from his “top secret errand” he had left for an hour earlier. He was carrying two large brown bags with no labels to give anyone a clue as to what was in them. Michael was nearly to his office door when Dwight ran in front of him.
“What’s in the bag?”
“You’ll just have to be patient, Dwight.”
“But as Colonel, I feel—“
“Assistant to the—wait what?” Michael began to respond out of habit but stopped short as Dwight revealed his self-appointed title.
“Colonel. You are General, Jim due to a mere technicality is Lieutenant, so that makes me Colonel. Now when do you have time to meet to go over our plan of attack? I have Stratego at home that we can use to simulate—“
“Dwight, just—stop! I don’t have time for this. You’ll find out along with everyone else, now please, just go back to work.” And with that, Michael slammed the door in Dwight’s face, leaving him with a look of bewilderment. Dwight trudged back to his desk, and Jim sat back with arms folded watching him throw away the carefully made badges.
“So you’re Colonel? As in, Colonel Mustard?”
Dwight shot a glare at Jim, continuing to forcefully toss the badges into the trashcan.
“You’d be wise not to anger me in times of war.”
“Does that mean I can anger you any other time?”
Finally fed up, Dwight stormed from his desk, carrying the trashcan with him and pushed through the double doors out of the office. Pam watched him go and turned to Jim with wide eyes. Jim shrugged and grinned mischievously causing her to giggle, despite the stern pair of hazel eyes she could feel upon her.
No, I think it’s great that they’re friends. I was beginning to think Jim was a loner, Karen said with a small laugh to the camera. Yeah I mean, she’s his friend, and I’m his girlfriend. There’s no reason for it to be awkward. She looked back and forth between the producer and the camera nervously. Can I go now?
Story Notes:
This idea just popped into my head one day and I had to write it. Takes place sometime after "The Return" but technically counts as AU since that's where it veers course. Hope you all enjoy!
Author's Chapter Notes:
"Talking heads" are written in italics.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter End Notes:
What mysterious items are in the brown bags? Will Karen and Pam duke it out in basic training? Will Michael be reduced to tears by those in command? These answers and more to come in Chapter 2!
Oh, and reviews are a good thing :)
