She should be able to stop. It shouldn't be so hard to look away. With a frown she determinedly turned her gaze away from his retreating back and fixed her eyes on a distant spot somewhere across the parking lot. Since when had she been so mesmerized?

She tried to tell herself that it was just the fact that she hadn't seen him in so long. That was a good explanation, and she held onto it for a minute longer to secure the idea in her mind. That she couldn't keep herself from seeing anything but his face was completely normal, given the circumstances, and as soon as she got used to the fact that he was really back this funny feeling in the pit of her stomach would go away as quickly as it had begun this morning. Still, something in the back of her mind whispered that it had never been like this when he was here before. It couldn't have been this intense before, because she knew that she had never been so aware of wanting him as she was now.

But this was wrong. This wasn't the way it was supposed to go. They were just friends, just as they had always been, and just as they always, always would be. Just friends now, because there wasn't anything else they could be. And that last night when they had both briefly considered something else. Something sparkling, tantalizing, unreal. That night had come and gone, and in the end, nothing had come of it. Because he'd left.

So now he was here again, but not really here. They'd both moved on. But it seemed to her like they had both lost something that night. Some piece of her had gone missing after she'd kissed him, and now that she saw him again, she knew he'd lost a bit of himself, too. But here he was again, leaning into the welcoming arm of another woman, and she was still wearing a ring that had been given to her years before by another man.

He must not have meant it, she thought with what should have been relief. She'd been counting on this reaction, hoping for it, desperate to believe that it really had been drunkenness, stupidity, momentary insanity, or whatever else you wanted to call it that wasn't real. It had to be false, she had thought the next day. It just had to. Any other possibility was simply too terrifying.

In the end it had been too much of a risk to call off her wedding for something that might not have been real. She just couldn't be sure, especially after he had left without even saying goodbye. She couldn't take that risk. Not alone. He might have been able to do it, but it was harder for her. Roy was her entire life, and to give up your entire life just like that... Still, she hadn't been able to marry Roy either, not after that night. So their wedding had once again been postponed.

"I just, I feel like maybe we need a little more time, you know?"

"Yeah?" he'd responded, sounding relieved.

"I mean, I still want to do this..."

"Me too. Seriously, Pam, you're the only one for me, but..."

"I know."

"So, you're okay with waiting." It was a statement, not a question.

"Yeah," she smiled up at him. He paused for a second, looking at her in a way that he seldom did. It was a look that, until that moment, had always made her heart race.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too." she replied, absently, her mind wandering back to the single tear running down Jim's face. He had looked so heartbreakingly sincere. But it couldn't be real. Jim was too good to be true. And she was sure that what he really loved wasn't her, it was just the idea of her. It was some version of herself that she brought to the office every day. There was no way he could really know her from only seeing her at work.

As the door opened and Jim and Karen walked back into the building, Pam turned back to her distant spot on the other side of the parking lot, annoyed that her concentration had been broken yet again, that her gaze had returned to him like he was the only thing on her mind. Actually, at the moment, he sort of was the only thing on her mind, but still.

What was she doing? It wasn't like she'd never seen him before. If anything, she admitted, she had almost seen him more in the months he'd been gone than she had when he was still here. It wasn't the same, of course, but ever since he'd left, his image had haunted her so that there were days when he was even more present than he'd ever been. At least when someone was real you could watch them walk away. But the Jim in her mind would never leave.

And that's why she had begun to let herself wonder. The afternoon she had heard he was returning, she'd spent a glorious hour or two letting her imagination run wild. She saw him showing up one night on her doorstep, sweeping her into his arms again, holding her so closely, yet so gently. She would cry, and he would tell her to hush. He'd say he was here, and that he'd never leave her again. He'd tell her it had all been a mistake to leave and never call. He'd admit that he'd been wrong, and that he needed her to know once and for all that he would always be in love with her. And then, through her tears she'd turn her face up and lift her lips to press against his. It would be slow and real. And it wouldn't be Roy.

But life wasn't a daydream. Jim was back, but it wasn't really him, and maybe she'd made the same mistake. She'd fallen for some idea of Jim. This dream of a man that loved her and made her laugh and wanted everything for her, but in the end he hadn't been real. Maybe once or twice back when they'd been best friends that could have been their real happy ending, but not now. Her chance had come and gone and she was left with just her daydreams.

Still, she had Roy. She would always have Roy. And she and Jim could go back to being friends. With a sigh that blew her warm breath in a puff of steam out into the cold air, she turned to head back upstairs.

A few hours later she was back in the parking lot waiting for Roy to finish up so they could leave for the night. Jim had pulled out a couple minutes earlier laughing on the phone with someone. He'd waved of course, but she knew it was only out of habit. She wondered how long it would take them to go back to being best friends. But as much as she wanted to believe that today had only been awkward because it was their first day back together, somehow she knew it could never be the same. Pam had never liked change, but she had always known that change was a part of life. You did everything you could to avoid it, but still it happened.

"Hey, Babe."

"Hey," she said turning to face Roy.

"You ready?"

"Yep." Without thinking she suddenly stood on her tiptoes to kiss him lightly. He responded instantly, pulling his arm around her waist and drawing her closer than she'd intended. When she broke away a few seconds later he looked confused.

"What was that for?"

"I don't know. Nothing really. I just had a long day."

"Yeah, me too," he said, slipping his arm over her shoulders as they walked across the parking lot to the truck. She leaned into him a little more and pasted a smile on her face.

She wasn't really sure why she suddenly felt like crying, but she was determined to keep from letting the tears fall until she could get home and hide for a few minutes. Maybe it was just that life had changed again, and now there was nothing she could do about it.

Laying in bed that night she looked over at Roy in the darkness. At least some things never change. The thought wasn't as comforting as usual, but after today it was all she had left.