There wasn’t much Jim kept from her. They had spent years in the fog of secrets, and Jim never wanted to revisit that feeling of being completely and utterly lost. He didn’t want to revisit any of it, really, but he had that afternoon. It was surprising to even him what even talking about one of the darkest periods in his life did to him, and the feelings of loneliness and despair that he was reminded of stung even then. Thinking back now, all he could remember was the sleepless nights and the taunting realization that he had lost, that she’d never be his, and she was going to go off and marry someone who didn’t deserve her and could never love her like he loved her.
And he did. He loved in a way that scared him, in a way he didn’t think existed before he met her. He had bottled that up for so long that he had nearly made himself forget because he had to forget. A part of him never wanted to let it out again, not even now, not until he was sure. There was disappointment and then there was a pain that would be crushing if she decided he wasn’t what she expected. The amount of what he had been holding back, however, shocked him, and as he left Dwight that afternoon, he felt like he had been struck physically by the weight of it all.
It was that feeling he kept from her. It was a self-preservation tactic and he knew it; accepted it. Coming on that strong would only serve to scare her off, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. Still, it didn’t stop him from pouring the emotion out through the kiss he pulled her into, and as his mouth pressed against hers, he willed her to understand. For that brief second, it felt like it was two years ago all over again, when he hoped he could convey how deep his feelings ran.
He could see in her face she was going to ask about what had happened. It wasn’t until much later, when the glare of the cameras weren’t on them any longer, when they were tangled in his sheets and her heartbeat finally started to slow as she came down from the height he had brought her to, that she did.
“You seem different,” she said, still breathless. He slid up from where he had been situated between her legs. Instead of answering, he pressed slow, lazy kisses against her neck. “Jim.”
He pulled away with some reluctance, allowing himself to really look into her eyes. He felt her searching almost immediately, like the answers she wanted were hidden in them. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. Something’s changed,” she explained as she reached up to smooth her palm against his cheek. He knew what she meant, because suddenly he wasn’t holding back anymore, even though he didn’t even realize he had been doing that in the first place. And the temptation was there to tell her everything, to start from the beginning and work his way to the very moment they were in, but he didn’t. Couldn’t. Not yet.
“A lot has changed,” he replied instead, knowing he was being vague. He felt her hand run a little lower, lightly pressing against his jaw, and he could see the confusion set on her features. “All good, I promise.”
She smiled a little at that, nodding her head to show she understood. When she spoke again, her voice had taken on a softer tone. “Tell me about it someday?”
He didn’t speak for a long moment before leaning forward to kiss her lightly. He could feel her shift under him, her hands settling low on his waist, fingers pressing into bare skin. It was only after he pulled away and rested his forehead against hers did he reply. “Yeah, someday.”
Story Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
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