Author's Chapter Notes:
Wow... THIS qualifies as "Biting off more than you can chew". Man, the logistics of this gave me a headache. In some ways it's two scripts. So, yup it's 2, 2, 2 episodes in 1! I HOPE you guys like!
INT. RECEPTION AREA
We see a messenger leaving reception just as Dwight exits the breakroom. Pam holds up a package and waves it towards him.
PAM
Dwight. This just came for you.
Dwight sprints over to reception.
DWIGHT
It’s about time! I thought someone else
had gotten their hands on my package.
Jim, seated at his desk, looks at Pam, amused, but Pam just shakes her head.
PAM
Too easy.
Jim nods reluctantly.
JIM
So… whatcha got there, Dwight?
DWIGHT
This, Jim…
Dwight rips open the envelope and pulls out a DVD case.
DWIGHT(continued)
… is JUSTICE.
JIM
Wow. Is Andrew McCarthy in that, too?
DWIGHT
Very funny, Halpert. It won’t be though
when the evidence on this DVD frees me
and burns you for the criminal, slacker
(beat) uh… movie… non-returner you are.
(beat, then to everyone)
I would like everyone’s attention please.
Everyone… Everyone!
Michael comes out of his office and looks at Dwight.
DWIGHT(continued)
I would like you all to please enter the
conference room… and personally witness
my exoneration.
JIM
Wow. I didn’t know that hospitals let
people film that. Are some body parts
digitized or…?
MICHAEL
What? We are NOT watching that in the
conference room!
DWIGHT
(shaking head)
Michael…
KEVIN
Will there be donuts this time?
DWIGHT
N… yes. Yes, there will be.
KEVIN
Don’t toy with me, Dwight! Donuts are not
playthings!
STANLEY
I am not going into the conference room
for whatever silly reason you have. I’m
busy.
DWIGHT
Doing crossword puzzles is HARDLY being
busy. And you’re not making yourself any
smarter doing these stupid things. What
can you learn from a crossword puzzle?
STANLEY
I learned what a six letter word
for jackass is.
Angela lets out a snort and then catches herself. Dwight is crushed. Everyone stares at her for a moment and then looks back at Dwight and Stanley.
MICHAEL
I… I don’t get it.
DWIGHT
Michael, please! I KNOW I can clear
my name with this. Please give me that
chance!
MICHAEL
Jeez, Dwight… what… what is this, anyway?
DWIGHT
It’s footage from the day after the
Dundies. I got them to send it to me.
Jim and Pam look at each other like “Wow, THAT’S interesting!” Everyone pretty much has the same reaction.
MICHAEL
Wow, really? That’s… OK, everyone into the
conference room. Pam, call Kelly and…(beat)
you know, just Kelly. Tell her to get over
here.
JIM
(low)
Michael… Toby kinda needs to be…
MICHAEL
(exceptionally annoyed)
Oh, alright, FINE!!
(affects a whiny voice)
“Michael, that’s not nice!”
“Michael, be nicer to Toby!”
“Michael, stop putting pencil
shavings in Toby’s coffee!”
What about ME?
Michael storms in to the conference room. Jim stares at Pam and then into the camera. Everyone starts to head to the conference room. Dwight cuts Angela off.
DWIGHT
(low)
Angela… I… I… just wanted you to
know that… You don’t have to worry.
The footage on this DVD… it’s…
it’s before our (beat) relationship.
ANGELA
I don’t know what… relationship you
could be talking about… Dwight.
Angela brushes past Dwight and heads to the conference room. Dwight hangs his head, dejected. Before Angela
enters the room, she looks at back at Dwight. For a split-second she is sad, but then hardens and goes in.
INT.-CONFERENCE ROOM
Everyone has found there way into a seat. Andy has saved a seat for Angela.
ANDY
Would you care… for a chair?
Angela looks at Dwight and then sits.
ANGELA
Why… thank you, Andy. That was…
very gentlemanly of you.
ANDY
(proud of himself)
A seat for… the elite. A recliner
for…
ANGELA
That’s enough, Andy.
ANDY
Alright.
Dwight looks at the two sadly as an excited Kelly and Toby enter.
KELLY TALKING HEAD
KELLY
(clapping)
I am… so, so anxious to see this!
When Pam told me what we were going
to watch I was like “Oh wow! This is
so incredible! I mean… What were people
wearing back then? What kind of advances
have we made in make-up? (beat)It’s like
having a fashion time machine, you know?
TOBY TALKING HEAD
TOBY
Yeah, Kelly is really excited about
seeing this. Me? I don’t… really care.
It doesn’t make any difference to me.
(his face falls)
Unless… that was the day I, uh…
accidentally let the air out of
Michael tires…
EXT. PARKING LOT
We see Toby crouched next to the driver’s side rear tire on Michael’s car. There is a hissing sound. He is smiling ever so slightly until he looks up and sees the camera. As the camera zooms in there is a mixture of shock and guilt on his face.
TOBY TALKING HEAD
TOBY
THAT… could be a… problem…
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
Jim and Pam sit side by side.
JIM
So… How’s that Spader report coming?
PAM
Early stages… but you may be on to
something. So far he appears to be
not such a good guy in the roles he
plays.
JIM
(smiling)
Hmmmmm…
PAM
(smiling back)
It’s not over yet. We’ll see
who comes out on top.
Jim looks in happy shock at Pam, who’s eyes widen.
PAM
I TOTALLY didn’t mean it
that way.
Both laugh as Dwight stands at the front of the room.
DWIGHT
Alright, listen up. This is a criminal
investigation. I will be searching for
clues to clear my name. If anyone
(looks at Jim)
feels the need to confess, please do so.
Your statement will be taken and there
will be no punishment… other than being
immediately fired.
MICHAEL
(standing)
Alright… thanks, DICK Tracy.
(Laughs to camera)
Everyone… just enjoy the show, we
already know who the culprit was.
DWIGHT
No! Not true! I…
MICHAEL
Sit down, DICK Tracy.
(Laughs to camera again)
JIM
(quietly, leaning over to Michael)
Couldn’t… think of another one,
huh?
MICHAEL
(quietly)
Uhhhhhh… bleh. Not really.
(louder)
Alright, come on, D…
(shakes head)
Dwight. Let’s see this.
Jut then the door opens and Daryl comes in.
KELLY
(happily)
Daryl!
DWIGHT
What are YOU doing here?
DARYL
(evenly)
I was invited by the young lady.
Do you have a problem with that?
DWIGHT
(quietly)
No.
DARYL
Cool.
Daryl heads to the back towards Kelly, who leaps up and hugs him.
DARYL TALKING HEAD
DARYL
Yeah, Kelly asked me to come up and
watch this. Emotional support, I guess.
Damn, even when Ryan is on VIDEO it works
to my advantage.(beat) I should send him
a card or something…
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
Dwight inserts the DVD and starts it. A small title pops up that says The Office-Day 193. Everyone hunkers down to watch.
KEVIN
(quietly, to Oscar)
I’m really looking forward to watching
this. I’m gonna look for clues… about
you.
OSCAR
What?
KEVIN TALKING HEAD
KEVIN
This is from BEFORE we found out
that Oscar was gay. So, I’m gonna
look for clues I didn’t see at the
time. It’s kinda like that movie
Vanilla Sky. At the end you find
out that Tom Cruise’s brain is in
a box in the future or… something.
So you watch it again and look for
clues. Only THIS time… Tom Cruise
is GAY.
(nods, the frowns)
Wait… what I mean is…
INT. THE CONFERENCE ROOM
On screen, Michael appears.
MICHAEL-ON VIDEO
Well… it’s the day after the Dundies.
It went VERY well last night. I killed,
as usual. My jokes were right on target,
you know, impersonations, rapping… uh…
costumes… uh… everyone loved me. Uh…
Except for those guys throwing food at
me. They… didn’t like me so much.(beat)
Could you guys, uh… edit that part out?
That…
(shakes head)
Hecklers are such an ugly part of this
business.
Michael grabs the remote from Dwight and pauses it.
MICHAEL
Gah! I look fat! Why do I look fat?
JIM
So strange. And they say the camera
subtracts 25 pounds, too.
MICHAEL
ARE YOU SERIOUS? God, I…
Pam shakes her head at Jim takes the remote from Michael. Suppressing a laugh she starts it again, hands the remote back to Dwight and pats Michael’s hands.
PAM
You look FINE, Michael.
Onscreen, Pam walks into the office looking tired and rundown.
PAM
I, on the other hand, look
like crap. Oh my God.
She sinks into her seat as, on screen, Jim approaches Pam.
JIM-ON VIDEO
Wow… are… you alright, Pam?
PAM-ON VIDEO
(holding head)
I will be… as soon as you stop
yelling at me.
On video, Jim looks at the camera and displays a classic Jim-face.
KEVIN
Ah, ha! That’s one!
OSCAR
Aw, come on, Jim! We’re not
even a minute into this thing!
DWIGHT
(stopping DVD)
What are you two yelling about?
I have to concentrate on this!
KEVIN
I bet Oscar that Jim would look at the
camera with that stupid face at LEAST
5 times.
(laughs)
I’m on my way, baby!
Oscar shakes his head at Jim as Jim peeks at the camera.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
Apparently, I have to change my
look. I don’t know… A frown, maybe?
(Jim pulls an exaggerated frown)
Maybe some cocky, eyebrow raised
kinda thing?
(makes that face)
Because, clearly… when your co-workers
start betting on your face (beat)
it’s time to change up. (beat)
I’m… doing it again, aren’t I?
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
Dwight starts the DVD again. On screen we see Jim and Pam still at reception.
JIM-ON VIDEO
A little… hung over, huh, Beesly?
PAM-ON VIDEO
Maybe… ugh. Feel terrible. And Roy
was all mad at me for coming home
drunk. Lousy morning.
On screen, Michael walks up to the two.
MICHAEL-ON VIDEO
Good morning, my peoples!
PAM-ON VIDEO
Perfect…
MICHAEL-ON VIDEO
Wow, Pam… You look awful! C’mon,
you’re the first face people see
here, ya gotta represent!(beat)
Do you even OWN make-up?
PAM-ON VIDEO
(angry)
You know what, Michael? Why
don’t you…
JIM-ON VIDEO
(grabbing Pam)
OK, Ok… Um,
(Laughs)
Why don’t you get some coffee,
Pam, and I’ll… uh… be right
there.
On screen Pam shoots Michael a dirty look and heads to the kitchen.
MICHAEL-ON VIDEO
Man… Pam looks a little purple
around the gills, there, Jim bag.
JIM-ON VIDEO
Um… I’m pretty sure the saying
is green around the gills.
MICHAEL-ON VIDEO
(scoffing)
Yeah, ok. Um, ALL fish are green
around the gills, Jim. That doesn’t
make much sense.
(laughs)
Gotta brush up on your botany,
SwimJim.
Onscreen, Jim gives the camera another Jim Face. Off screen Kevin laughs.
OSCAR(offscreen)
You’re KILLING me, Jim!
MICHAEL-ON VIDEO
So… comments? Opinions?
JIM-ON VIDEO
Uh… well… I think Pam might be a
little… hung over.
MICHAEL-ON VIDEO
Well, YEAH. Pam got smashed
stealing people’s drinks. That
I know. I’m talking about the
Dundies. Four stars? Three and a
Half? Three and a half, right?
Dwight kinda… his timing sucks.
Dwight looks at Michael and then down, depressed. Pam gives Jim a sad look.
JIM-ON VIDEO
Um… Three and a half, four…
somewhere in there…
MICHAEL-ON VIDEO
Four it is! “It was fantastic!”
raves Jim Halpert of the, uh…
Dunder-Mifflin Times! I’m gonna
send a review to Jan. You don’t
mind if I flesh that out a bit,
do you?
JIM-ON VIDEO
Have at it.
Onscreen, we see Pam in the kitchen, staring at the coffeemaker. Kevin comes in.
KEVIN(OFFSCREEN)
Hey, it’s me!
OSCAR(OFFSCREEN)
Wow, really?
KEVIN-ON VIDEO
Hey, Pam. How are YOU today?
PAM-ON VIDEO
Ugh.
KEVIN-ON VIDEO
So… you kissed Jim last night.
Did you go home with him?
Onscreen, Pam looks embarrassed at the camera as Kevin laughs silently behind her. The conference room erupts in “Ooooooohs!” Pam covers her face and slides even further into her seat. Jim kisses the top of her head and smiles at the camera.
PAM TALKING HEAD-ON VIDEO
PAM
Yeah… I… kissed Jim last night. Oh,
God.(beat) But that wasn’t me. That
was the drunken, crazy, out-of-her-
mind, not thinking about the ramifi-
cations me. Not the… engaged, hung-
over, boy, I don’t know how to explain
this to Jim (beat) me.
JIM TALKING HEAD-ON VIDEO
JIM
Yeah… Pam… kissed me last night.
(smiles)
Wow. Caught me completely off-guard.
(beat) Made my night, though.
(frowns)
Probably… shouldn’t mention it to
her. Have to see… if she says
something about it, first.
Onscreen, we see Pam come out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee. She walks over to reception and sits. Jim comes out of Michael’s office.
JIM-ON VIDEO
There’s no “k” in spectacular, Michael.
Everyone in the conference room laughs.
MICHAEL
What? That’s a common mistake!
Onscreen, Kelly walks in, says hi to Pam and then Jim. She is rather dowdy as opposed to the current Kelly.
MEREDITH(offscreen)
Wow, Kelly! I didn’t know your mother
worked here before you did!
Again, everyone laughs. Kelly looks angrily at a laughing Daryl. She rises and pulls Daryl to his feet.
KELLY
Ok, um… I know you have a lot to do,
Daryl… maybe you should go.
DARYL
No, I’m good.
KELLY
No, you MUST be busy.
(starts pushing Daryl towards
the door)
I’ll talk to you later, baby.
DARYL
(smirking)
Alright.
Daryl heads out and an embarrassed Kelly returns to her seat.
KELLY TALKING HEAD
KELLY
Maybe a fashion time machine isn’t
such a good idea after all.
INT. THE CONFERENCE ROOM
Onscreen, Jim walks over to reception. Pam, embarrassed, ducks closer to her mug.
JIM-ON VIDEO
So…
PAM-ON VIDEO
UGH. This coffee is terrible.
JIM-ON VIDEO
You need some good stuff. Starbucks?
I’ll get it for you.
The conference room erupts in “awwwwwwwws!” Pam, still covering her face, just shakes her head.
PAM-ON VIDEO
(smiling)
That’s sweet. But I owe you.
JIM-ON VIDEO
No problem… Hey, uh… Last night… um…
(laughs)
do you remember…
PAM-ON VIDEO
(quickly)
I don’t remember last night.
At ALL. Just a blur. Wow… I,
uh… just remember coming home.
(beat) sorry.
This time the conference room erupts in a chorus of boos and “Aw, Pam!!” comments. Pam is beyond mortified.
JIM-ON VIDEO
(dejected)
Oh… ok. I was, uh… just
gonna ask if you remember
falling out of your chair.
(puts head down)
Pretty funny…
Onscreen, Pam looks at Jim and then the camera. You can tell she feels terrible about it.
PAM-ON VIDEO
Oh… I…
Onscreen, there is a long pause. In the conference room, Pam takes Jim’s hand and looks at him.
PAM
I am… SO sorry, Jim. I was
so stupid back then.
JIM
It’s ok. We both were.
PAM
You’re sweet… but that made
NO sense.
(laughs)
JIM
(mock serious, patting Pam’s hand)
It’s ok. We both were.
Pam laughs and goes back to watching. On screen, Jim and Pam are still quiet.
JIM-ON VIDEO
Um… I’ll go and… get you that coffee.
PAM-ON VIDEO
Um… ok. I…
Onscreen, Jim starts towards the main doors.
PAM-ON VIDEO
Jim, I’m sorry…
Onscreen, Jim turns back to Pam.
PAM-ON VIDEO
I’m sorry… I’m such a pain
today. You’re… the best.
Thank you.
JIM-ON VIDEO
It’s ok. We’ll… get you fixed up.
Kevin boos in the back again. Pam spins around and glares at him.
PAM
Aw, shaddup, Kevin!
Everyone laughs. Even Pam has to. She slides back down into her chair, still embarrassed.
MICHAEL
Where’s this incredible evidence
to clear you Dwight?
DWIGHT
(nervous)
It’s here. I know it is! Soon!
Onscreen, Jim walks to the elevator and, upon reaching the main floor, strolls out into the parking lot. The camera is with him the entire time. Off to the side we see Roy, Daryl and some of the warehouse guys hanging out in the parking lot. Roy spots Jim. He starts towards him. In the conference room a look of concern crosses Jim’s face.
ROY-ON VIDEO
Halpert!
PAM
(sitting up)
What’s this?
JIM
(suddenly remembering)
Uh… Pam… I forgot. We gotta… uh… go, um… out.
PAM
What? Why? I wanna see this.
JIM
Pam…
ROY-ON VIDEO
(getting close to Jim)
What’s the deal with you letting Pam
come home plastered last night, man?
You got her drunk? Trying to move in
on her, or something?
JIM-ON VIDEO
(backing up)
No, man. I wouldn’t do that. I DON’T
do that. She had a good time. At least
I was there to watch over her!
The conference room lets out collective “Ooooh!” Jim looks extremely worried.
ROY-ON VIDEO
What’s that supposed to mean? Huh?
JIM-ON VIDEO
(angry)
It means that…
On screen, a young buxom blonde walks up to Jim and Roy.
YOUNG LADY-ON VIDEO
Roy?
JIM
(a little desperate)
Pam, this is… We, we… gotta
skip this. Stop the DVD, Dwight!
PAM
(really suspicious)
DON’T, Dwight! What’s going on here?
ROY-ON VIDEO
(after checking the young
lady out from head to toe)
Uh… yeah. What can I do for you?
Jim starts to rise and go towards the DVD player but Pam grabs him.
JIM
Pam! No…
YOUNG LADY-ON VIDEO
(laughing)
I’m not gonna touch that… yet.
(looks at camera, puzzled)
Why is… a camera…?
(shakes head)
Um… I have your cell phone. You left it last
night.
ROY-ON VIDEO
(eyes wide)
Oh, hey! Um… Let’s go over here.
On screen, Roy tries to steer the young lady away but Jim follows. Jim, watching the DVD, puts his head in his hands as Pam stares open-mouthed at him and then back to the monitor.
JIM-ON VIDEO
Friend of yours, Roy?
ROY-ON VIDEO
(angry)
Hey, man…
YOUNG LADY-ON VIDEO
We just met last night…
ROY-ON VIDEO
Hey! Don’t speak to him!
YOUNG LADY-ON VIDEO
(trying to hug Roy)
Ok, damn! It’s alright, I’m all yours!
(laughs)
On screen, Jim looks at the camera and stalks away angry.
ROY-ON VIDEO
Halpert, wait!
(to young lady)
Hold on, uh… honey.
Halpert!!
On screen, Roy catches up to Jim and grabs him. Jim shrugs
him off.
JIM-ON VIDEO
Get the hell off of me!
ROY-ON VIDEO
Listen! Wait, man… we just… we didn’t do anything!
JIM-ON VIDEO
Yeah, I’m stupid! You dropped her off at the
convent and your phone fell out there!
(grabs Roy by collar)
I can’t BELIEVE you did this to Pam!
(shoves Roy away)
ROY-ON VIDEO
(stunned by Jim’s anger)
Wait! Please, man. Please don’t tell her!
(looks at camera)
Don’t ANY of you guys tell her! Halpert!
I don’t wanna lose her!
On screen, Jim starts walking away, still boiling. We see
Roy behind him, receding.
ROY-ON VIDEO
Halpert! PLEASE, man! Come on!
Dwight stops the DVD player. Everyone in the room is quiet. Pam looks at Jim.
PAM
(stunned)
I can’t believe… you didn’t tell me
about this.
JIM
(reaching)
Pam… I…
PAM
(drawing back)
No.
(stands)
I CANNOT BELIEVE…
You didn’t TELL ME this!
JIM
I… couldn’t…
PAM
(quietly)
You were my best friend. And you didn’t…
I… have to go… away. Outside… somewhere…
Jim reaches again for Pam but she pulls away violently.
PAM
Leave me ALONE! Just…
Pam bolts from the room. Jim gets to the door and just stops. He hangs his head and puts a hand through his hair. Everyone is looking at him.
CREED
I don’t understand this movie… when does the
part with the sex doll come in?
END ACT TWO
