When the elevator doors closed she was still staring at the side of his face. Part of her just wanted to see him. Part of her dared him to look back. Her head dropped and she stared at the floor for moment before she let her eyes glance over at his hands. Her heart beat fast and she only heard one thing in her head, "It wasn't that long ago".
"Are you walking over to the warehouse?" His voice broke through her thoughts. He turned to face her for the first time since they stepped into the elevator.
"No, I have my car. Roy actually left right after lunch for a dentist appointment."
"Oh, okay, I'll walk with you to your car."
"Cool." The elevator doors opened. Pam glanced over to him one more time before stepped through the doors.
The truth was she knew Jim had a crush on her. Of course she knew. She'd known it for awhile and Roy knew it too. Roy had only been jealous one time. One time he caught Jim with one arm around her and one of his hands in hers. They were laughing over something they had done to Dwight. For a second, she really though Roy was going to hit him, just like he had hit Bill Wilson in high school. Luckily, he didn't. On the way home from work she reassured him she had no feelings for Jim.
"He's like a brother, Roy."
"I would never be interested in him; you know I am not into skinny guys."
"Actually, sometimes I get annoyed with him. He comes over to my desk all the time."
"No, I don’t want you to talk to him, he's harmless."
"What? No, I don't think even think he is cute. He has a big nose and his hair always looks like he just rolled out of bed."
"He is just a guy I talk to at work. That's it. You have nothing to worry about."
Roy was content with Pam's answers.
Later that night she had cried in the shower over the things she said about Jim. She didn’t mean any of them. He never annoyed her. His nose was perfect and his hair did look like he just rolled out of bed, but in the most wonderful way. He was more than just a guy she talked to at work. He was her best friend and sometimes she wondered what her life would be like if she had met him in high school instead of Roy.
Once Roy was sure Pam had no interest in Jim it became a joke to him. When he didn't want to do something with Pam he would joke, "Why don't you ask Halpert? He would jump off a bridge if you asked him."
Roy thought it was funny, but Pam never laughed.
She knew Jim had a crush on her, she knew it, but she never truly let herself believe it. She always made up excuses in her head for the way he looked at her, for the reasons he wanted to be around her.
She figured it was just because they were friends and they made each other laugh, but she felt deep down inside that Jim probably wished she was prettier. He probably thought she had nice eyes, but wished she had straight hair. He probably enjoyed hanging out with her at work, but wished she wasn't just a receptionist. He probably wished she wasn't so plain.
Pam was very good at putting herself down and made no exceptions when it came to Jim. She had seen the type of girl he dated. He had nothing in common with Katy—but she was beautiful. Sure, he enjoyed talking to Pam about movies, and books, and playing pranks on Dwight, but when it came to girls he wanted to date, he had put all of that aside for looks. Jim would never really feel that way about her. He was out of her league.
But now as she watched him take long strides to their cars--she wondered.
Maybe he thought she was pretty enough. Maybe he liked that she was plain. Maybe he loved her.
They reached their cars and Pam realized Jim was parked right next to her. He knew she had driven her car into work this morning. She wondered the real reason why Jim had asked. She suddenly felt a little powerful and she didn't want to lose it.
"So, you never told me... what did you and Michael talk about at lunch?"
"Oh," Jim laughed, "It was nothing... nothing."
"Nothing?"
"Yeah, you know just work stuff."
"Why are you being so secretive?" Pam knew he was lying and felt like being direct.
"What do you mean?" Jim looked nervous.
"Well, normally you would be dying to tell me all about an afternoon Hooters rendezvous with our boss."
Jim laughed, "No, you're right."
"Does it have to do with what we talked about earlier in the break room?" She pushed.
"No, no, I think he wanted to talk about it but I learned my lesson, plus, like I said, it was so long ago, it doesn't matter." Jim paused for a moment. "He did say something about you though, and I didn't want to tell you because I don't want to freak you out."
Pam's eyes opened wide. "What? Come 'on! You have to tell me!"
"No."
"I promise I won't get mad. How much worse could it be than when he said he wanted to spray on Pam?"
Jim covered his face and let out a huge belly laugh. "God, I had almost forgotten about that. Almost."
"You are lucky. Sometimes I hear it in my head and I have to watch 'Saw' to make myself feel better."
Jim laughed and then got quiet for a moment. "Okay, well we were talking about Hooters," Jim made air-quotes, "and he asked me who I think has the nicest pair in the office," Jim shoved his hands in his pocket and leaned back against his car, "when it was his turn to answer he said you." That wasn't exactly how it had happened but Jim decided to salvage the last of his dignity by lying.
"Ew."
"No, no, you should be flattered. I mean, I'm sure Michael has seen like four or five boobs in his lifetime. He knows greatness when he sees it."
Pam laughed, "Why five?"
"I don't know, but I am picturing he said something stupid before the rest of the bra could come off."
She loved laughing with Jim and the giggles made her feel a little tipsy—dangerous.
"So what was your answer?" Pam stopped giggling and looked straight at him.
"Not telling." He wouldn't make eye contact.
"Oh, please. Just tell me." 'Was it me? Is that why you don't want to say?' Pam thought.
Jim didn't know what to say. He really hadn't answered the question because he and Michael had never even had the conversation.
"If I tell you, you will just be jealous." Jim joked.
"Try me."
"Okay... once again ... my answer was Kevin." Jim laughed.
"Fine, don't tell me." Pam stepped backwards and leaned against her car. It was cold outside but she was starting to feel warm in her jacket.
"Pam, I am upset that you would just toss my answer aside like that. It took a lot of courage for me to share something so private."
Pam knew she was going to have to push him more, "What about mine?"
"What?"
"I don't know, I mean I usually wear button down shirts, but I agree with Michael, I think mine are pretty nice. What do you think?" Pam held her pink jacket open and looked down.
She could tell Jim wasn't looking. She felt his eyes on her face. She wanted to see him look. Pam lifted her head so their eyes met and held his stare until he gave in. His eyes drifted down to her chest.
With her jacket open, she could feel the cold air seeping through her shirt and onto her skin. She knew exactly what that meant and didn't care. She wasn't sure what had gotten into her today, but she desperately needed to feel the truth for just a little while.
Jim took a step forward, his eyes never leaving her chest. He gently took hold of her jacket with both hands, right above where her smaller hands held on and pulled it closed again.
"I think you are beautiful."
They stood there for a moment and Pam was sure he could feel her heart beating through her jacket. She wasn't going to be the one to back down this time. Whatever was going to happen next was totally up to Jim.
"You're leaving tomorrow right? For the Poconos?" Jim's question broke the spell.
"Hmm? Oh, yeah. Friday to Wednesday." She felt butterflies in her stomach. She couldn't tell if it was from relief or sadness.
He pulled her into a small hug, then released her moved to get into his car. "Okay, well take care and do some skiing for me, okay?"
"I will, I'll see you Thursday." Pam stayed in the same spot, not sure if she could move just yet.
"Okay… bye, Beesly." Jim shut the car door and started the engine.
Pam drove home in silence.
