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Pam scrubbed forcefully against her kitchen counter. It was 3:45 AM and she was in the middle of deep cleaning her kitchen. She hastily brushed a curl away from her forehead as she turned her attention to the sink. She was running on about 3 hours of sleep but she had never felt more energized in her life. Jim was coming back. Back to Scranton; back to her. Today, she thought, was going to be the beginning of something great and the anxious feeling that filled her entire body was fueling this early morning cleaning session. She felt that if she stopped moving for a moment, the frightening excitement she was feeling would swallow her whole.
Around 6:00, when there was not another surface anywhere in her whole apartment that she could clean Pam collapsed on the couch. She glanced at the clock on the wall. 3 hours…only 3 hours until he would walk back into her life. The past 6 months since Jim had gone to Stamford had been some of the most challenging, yet surprisingly eye opening months of her life. It was May 21st and Pam was dreading the thought of her bridal shower the next day. What bride dreads their own bridal shower? It was then she knew. She knew that she couldn’t go through with the wedding. She knew that marrying Roy would end up being the biggest mistake of her life. He cried when she told him. Asked why over and over again. He made hundreds of promises, but she knew he would eventually break them all. Despite it all when she finally drove away she felt a huge weight being lifted off her shoulders.
Pam pulled herself off the couch. She had laid out the outfit she wanted to wear last night. She’d bought a new gray skirt that she thought fitted nicely. She had also been practicing on new ways to do her hair. She felt like a 13 year old girl getting ready for her first dance. Pam headed into the bathroom hoping a long, hot shower would help calm her nerves. After showering Pam set to work on her hair. She wanted something new, something he would notice. After carefully blow drying it Pam set it in hot rollers and went to the kitchen to make some tea. She carefully filled the green teapot with water and set it on the stove to heat. It's ironic that the teapot that she's using to calm her down was given to her by the one person who could make her feel like her heart was about to beat out of her chest. She thinks back on all the memories they shared. The pranks, the high-fives, the laughs and she smiled thinking that they can go back to that and take it somewhere farther.
Pam left her house around 7:30. She had to stop by the store and pick up some supplies for Michael’s “Welcoming” party. She checks herself in the mirror once more before walking out. Her hair is perfect. She put on make-up that defines her green eyes. She even really liked the sweater/skirt combo that she had chosen. The nervous flutter that was in her stomach started to build as she climbed into her car to head to the store. By the time she pulled into the Dunder Mifflin parking lot around 8:15 she had trouble controlling the smile that was spread across her face.
She was feeling so happy that she didn’t even care that the camera crew immediately sought her out and began pestering her with questions.
“Yes, I am in a good mood today.” she said when Greg, the documentary producer, commented on her demeanor. “I’m excited to meet all of the new people….and to see my old friend again. That’s always a thing that makes people happy…to have an old friend back.”
She was sitting at her desk when she heard the door open…and there he was.
“No way! Get him out of here!” Michael said rushing to greet him. “We don’t want this kind in here.”
This was it. The moment she had been waiting six long months for. She nervously smoothed her hair. Finally he saw her and she could barely contain her excitement.
“Hi…I’m Jim…I’m new here.”
“Oh my gosh! It’s really you!” Before she knew it she was out of her chair and hurrying towards him. She threw her arms around his neck and was relieved that he wrapped his arms tightly around her.
“It’s good to be back.” he said pulling away from her, his eyes taking her in. “The place looks really good.”
His eyes had found her the minute he opened the door to the office. She looked amazing. There was something different about her hair…her expression. His heart fluttered as she rushed towards him and wrapped him in a hug.
“It’s so good to see you!” Pam continued.
“You too.” he thought he had finally been able to move on. But then why after only being near her for five seconds did he feel like nothing had changed. “This can’t be good.” he thought to himself.
The rest of the morning was pretty uneventful, at least for Dunder Mifflin Scranton. Ryan had his desk. Dwight and Andy immediately started a weird power-trip competition. Kelly had filled him in on the important news of which celebrity had had a baby. He sat next to her when Michael made everyone go into the conference room for a “The Official Merger Day - All Family - Welcome Breakfast”.
The morning went by so fast that she didn’t really have time to dwell on the fact that he had to try desperately to avoid her gaze every time he got up from his desk. She hoped that it was just her imagination. That maybe he just needed a bit of time to get back into the swing of things. She hoped that the awkward feeling would go away if she could just get a minute alone with him. But when she got that moment she knew the awkwardness was just beginning.
She had seen him go into the break room and so she quietly got up from her desk and followed him in.
“Hey…” she said as she watched him pull a bottle of water from the machine. “What happened to grape soda?”
“Oh…yeah…I’m trying to move away from that. I’m getting into more of a bottled water phase now.” he said.
“Wow…you’ve changed so much.” she was trying desperately to grasp at any remnant of the past. Any hint from him that things could go back to the way they were.
“Well, I’m evolving Pam.” he said with a small smile.
“So when do I get to hear everything? You want to grab a coffee or something after work?”
He tried to ignore the hopeful tone in her voice as he looked at her and said, “Tonight? No…I’m still getting settled.” He could see the disappointment in her face almost immediately.
“Oh yeah…that’s fine.” Pam whispered as Michael walked in.
“Oh sorry. Hope I’m not interrupting anything.” Michael said with a meaningful glance in Jim’s direction.
“Nope.” Jim said quickly heading for the door. “Not interrupting anything. I should probably get back to work.” Then he was gone.
Pam wrapped her arms tightly around her body as she watched him go. Maybe this wasn’t going to be the fairytale ending she had hoped for. Maybe it was too late.
Later that day when they were standing out in the parking lot listening to Michael give details about the retaliation he was planning on Vance Refrigeration her worst fears were confirmed. She saw it. The soft hand on his back that didn’t belong to her, but to someone else. Someone new. She stood as if frozen watching in dismay as the future she was hoping for slipped farther and farther away. Then reality struck. She had been convinced that he had been so in love with her that even though so much time had passed he was going to come back with the same feelings and hopes as before. She knew she had hurt him. She had seen it in his face…in a small tear on his cheek. She was selfish to have assumed that he would want to come back to that.
The rest of the day passed in slow motion for Pam. She couldn’t bear to look at him for fear that she would start crying. She busied herself at her desk. At 4:50 she went and hid in the bathroom so she wouldn’t have to watch him leave....with her. Finally at 5:10 she came out. He was gone. She shut down her computer and slowly made her way to the lobby. As she was walking to her car she heard a familiar voice call out to her.
“Hey…”
“Hey” she said surprised to see him.
“I thought you had already left.”
“No..I had some things to take care of. What‘s up?”
“I just feel bad,” he began. “Like things were a little weird today...or something.”
“What do you mean?” she asked knowing exactly what he was talking about.
“I just think that I should tell you….I sort of started seeing someone.”
Despite the fact that she had already assumed as much, the pure fact of him saying it out loud hit her harder than she thought it would.
“Oh…that’s totally cool. You can do whatever you want.” She didn’t know why she was making it sound like she had to give him permission. He didn’t owe her anything. She had made her choice.
“Oh…ok…good.” he said a little confused. He was almost hoping that she would fight for him a little. Maybe it really was over and he had made the right choice to try and move on.
“We’re friends…” she said softly turning back to her car. “We’ll always be friends.”
“Right…” she thought maybe she had noticed a look of disappointment cross his face, but she brushed it aside.
“Good to have you back!” she said feigning cheerfulness. She had barely made it into her car when tears started to fill her eyes. She tried her hardest to hold them in as she drove home. She didn’t want to acknowledge the loss she was feeling. She opened the door to her apartment and without even bothering to undress, curled up into a ball on her bed. It was then, in the dark emptiness of her bedroom that the tears came. She sobbed herself to sleep as the hurt and anguish crashed over her. He was gone. She was too late. It was over.
Story Notes:
Thanks to nomadshan and EmilyHalpert for the formatting help!
Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter End Notes:
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