Pam sat in the passenger’s seat next to him, staring to the right. She saw a vague reflection of herself in the window, a ‘see-through Pam’ she thought to herself. A small flicker of the person she could be, or the person she thought she wanted to be. The car suddenly felt so small and it was as if the air thickened, causing her to take deeper breaths.
“Pammy?”
She hated it when he called her that. She slowly began to panick, as she inhaled air more and more vigourously. She needed some fresh air. She felt scared and dizzy and all she saw was her sad eyes staring back at her from the window.
“Are you alright, Pam?”
“Could you just pull over for a second?” she asked.
Roy steered his car on the hard shoulder and pulled over. Pam got out of the car and sat down on the concrete, her head between her knees, trying the calm herself down. She could feel the cold air filling her lungs, and it comforted her. She felt an arm on her back and heard Roy saying something, but she couldn’t distinguish words. It all just seemed to pass her by, there was only one voice she could hear in her head, one laugh that ringed in her ears, one pair of eyes she invisioned clearly.
She hated fighting with him. And she didn’t understand why he had been so strange and short with her. He was the one thing that kept her going through the day, he was the one person who could make her laugh when she felt like hell. And if he wasn’t there for her anymore, who would be?
She was scared, and felt strangely alone, even with Roy’s arms wrapped around her.
“Pam! Pam! Are you okay?!” Roy shouted.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” she stuttered, “I don’t know, I think I was hyperventilating.”
“Why on earth would you do that?! What happened?”
“God! I don’t know okay? Just... just take me home,” she whispered, tears welling up in her eyes.
“Come on, Pammy. I didn’t mean to shout okay? I just, I.. got scared for a minute. You scared me. I’m sorry. Come on, let’s get you in the car and go home.”
Pam let him take her to the car, she let him drive her home and she let him kiss her in their bedroom. It was easier that way. She didn’t need to think, or do anything. She would just let him.
***
She woke up at 1am, her cheeks burning a little from her salty tears. Roy lay fast asleep beside her. Her legs were restless and she decided to make herself some tea, just to relax a little.
She got out of bed slowly, without waking up Roy.
She stared into the dark streets while her water was beginning to boil. The streets were empty except for some cars passing by. She wondered if Jim was asleep. She hadn’t been able to get him out of her mind ever since their fight and by now she didn’t even try anymore.
She wanted to talk to him, needed to talk to him. How bad could this be? It was still Jim right, it was probably all just a silly misunderstanding or maybe he had just been in an exceptionally bad mood. Everybody has that sometimes.
But then why hadn’t he said something? Anything, to explain his behaviour.
She wanted so badly to call him, and ask him for an explanation. But she was too afraid. And she didn’t want to wake him up either. She just needed him to apologize, needed him to be her friend again, needed him.
She sipped her tea, stood up and walked to their livingroom to turn on her computer. An email wouldn’t do any harm, would it?
She opened her mail and tried to think of the right way to start. She watched the cursor on her screen appear, dissapear and reappear for a while. Then she started to type.
From: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
Subject: (none)
Jim,
You are probably asleep considdering the timing of this email but I decided to send it to you anyway.
Just, let me know okay?
- Pam
She hit send before she could change her mind.
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He grabbed a beer out of his fridge and turned on some sports game on tv. He didn’t feel like sleeping anyway. He couldn’t stop thinking about her. He hated how depressed he could get when they were in an arguement. He just couldn’t take it. Ignoring her the whole afternoon hadn’t worked either. He sighed and closed his eyes. As he heard the humming sound of his tv in the distance he slowly drifted off to sleep.
***
He woke abruptly by the sound of a loudly honking car horn and rubbed his eyes. He looked at his watch; 1:38am. Great, he thought turning off the tv and lifting himself up from his couch. His neck hurt from the uncomforable position he had been sleeping in. He decided to go to bed.
He stood in his bathroom and brushed his teeth. He tried to avoid the gaze of his reflection, doing everything in his power to deny the fact he wouldn’t like what he’d see. A man who was too big of a coward to follow his dreams.
Jim had a habbit. Every night before he went to bed, he would check his inbox before shutting down his computer. He didn’t know why he did it, or how it had started, but he just did.
This night wasn’t any different.
He opened his inbox; and there it was. An email from Pam. It was almost as if he’d expected it. He considdered not opening it and just go to sleep. He was afraid he wouldn’t like what she had to say.
But he couldn’t. He could not force himself to close the window and turn of his computer. He had to know, he couldn’t resist.
He read her email. Of course.
Of course she wanted to talk, and know what was going on. But he couldn’t.
He wasn’t like Ryan. They’d both wasted time. Ryan not making a move on Laura, Jim not letting Pam go.
He shut down his computer and went to bed.
Without replying.
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Pam’s bare feet were getting cold. She was still sitting in front of her computer, her arms wrapped around her knees. She refreshed the page every three minutes.
No reply from Jim.
At 2:15am Roy suddenly entered the room.
“Pam? What are you doing? It’s the middle of the night, come back to bed!”
“I’ll be right there,” she answered.
She refreshed the page on more time before shutting her computer down and going after Roy.
