"So..."

"It's not that big of a deal, seriously, it's not like...you know..."

"God Jim, I wish you could just..."

"It was my fault, I was joking and I took it too far."

"NO. You were joking and she over reacted. And now you're sitting here beating yourself up over it, and for what? She's at home, with her ogre of a fiancée ignoring the shit out of her... probably watching ESPN and yelling at her to get him a beer and make him a fucking bologna sandwich, while you're sitting in a depression on your couch wondering whether or not the fact that you were wrestling with her went too far."

"Well that's sorta an exaggeration. And you're kind of freaking me out with how angry this makes you. You don't-"

"Now it's time for you to over react and stop being her butt boy, Jim-"

"Whoa! Time out. Everyone to their corners. First off, I am nobody's 'butt boy', Jon. Let's get that straight right now. When we went to that Dojo, Pam and I were friends. That's who she views me as and that doesn't make me her ‘butt boy', okay? And I like being her friend. I like being able to hear what she thinks and feels and- you know what- she TRUSTS me with it. It's weird to you that I'm not letting my dick lead me all over that office. I'm sorry! God, you make me seem like I'm some sort of wimp or something-"

"Not a wimp but you're whipped by a woman you're not even in a relationship with. Look...okay, ((deep calming breath)) I'm sure Pam is great. She seems really nice. And I get it, you love her-"

"Jon."

"You don't want to admit it, but you do."

"I feel a lot of things for Pam. I feel..."

"You love her. And no, ya know what? I don't get it-"

"I'm confused because you just said you got it-"

"Don't be funny. Don't turn this into a gotdamned joke."

"Trying to ease the tension here."

"Don't. Be angry-"

"You seem to have that covered just fine-"

"I don't get it because you're involved with a woman, who's not involved with you and it's frustrating-"

"But that's my choice. I can't help how I feel for her. I can't just turn it off. But I don't...I will not mess up our friendship because I can't get over whatever I have going on with me right now. Pam's not aware I like her, okay?

"Oh, she's aware."

"No she isn't. She's been with one guy for ten years. You don't know her, she doesn't think she's as awesome as she is, in her mind, I guess...Roy's the only guy that's ever been that way to her. She just...doesn't understand and I'm not going to push her to. I crossed that line when I picked her up today. I made her uncomfortable-"

"Maybe she needs to feel a bit uncomfortable. Maybe she needs to see you're still a man, and not her girlfriend. There is a difference, ya know.-"

"You're a being a bit sensitive-"

"You're the king of sensitive, Jim! You're upset that you upset her, but you did nothing wrong. You guys were joking, she was teasing you, and you were teasing back and oh god!! You put your hands on her!! OH MY GOD!! You are a sick bastard!! Seriously Jim-((laughs bitterly))"

"Okay, that's not cool... I don't know why I'm even talking to you about this right now."

"Because...you can't talk to her."

((long pause))

"Dude, I love you, okay-"

"Wow, now who's sensitive?"

"I do. You're my little brother. And I don't like seeing you suffering day in and day out. Even if...Pam is this nice girl. It just...upsets me."

"Apparently. Want to go splash some water on your face? Take a nap? Do some yoga?"

"I hate how you can blow this off and yet be so affected by it all at the same time."

"Like you said... I love her. I can't help it."

"((sigh)) Okay..."

"Truce?"

"No, I still hate you."

"Awww...well, hey, want to do me a favor anyway?"

"What?"

"Okay. So I got a prank I want to pull on Dwight..."

"Dunder -Mifflin, this is Pam."

"Hello Pam. It's Jon."

"Hi! How's it goin'?"

"Pretty good. Yourself?"

"I'm doing...good too."

"Great!"

"I'll um...transfer you to Jim."

"No wait...transfer me to a ‘Dwayne Schrute'. Please and thank you."

"((tries to hold in a snort)) Oh my god. Did Jim tell you what he was doing to Dwight?"

"((laughs)) You mean Dwayne? Yeah, he did and I am more than happy to help...ahem...kindly transfer-"

"Okay. Good luck Jon."

**beep**

"Dwight Schrute."

"Yes, can I speak to a Dwayne Schrute please?"

"F....Did-? No he couldn't have."

"I'm sorry but can you connect me to this Dwayne Schrute or not? I really want to buy alot of paper. Like a ridiculous amount."

"There is NO ONE here by that name, so I can not transfer you. However I am Dwight Schrute, which is very similar to Dwayne and I also sell paper. So, I will be happy to assist you."

"Wait, so I have a card that clearly reads Dwayne Schrute, though."

"Well, again...there is no one here by that name. Despite the fact that I also received a fax in that name and a UPS package. Obviously it's some kind of identity theft or mix up or-"

"Look, that's all fascinating and everything, but really, if your last name is Schrute, you must know this Dwayne guy. Maybe you're long lost twins, or cousins or something..."

"No. I absorbed my twin before I was born, so it couldn't be my twin.But that doesn't matter because Dwayne doesn't work here. My name is Dwight. It's either a misprint or some sort of vision problem you are having."

"D-W-A-Y-N-E. That spells Dwayne."

"I know what it spells, but-"

"And I would like to speak to him."

"I can't help you, because there is no Dwayne Schrute. Only Dwight. And that's me. D-W-I-G-"

"Yeah, this is ridiculous. The card says Dwayne. And I want to speak to Dwayne."

"Who is this? Did Jim make you do this?"

"Who's Jim? I don't know any Jim. But hey, ask him if he knows Dwayne?"

"Dammit Jim-"

((click...dial tone))

"Hello? Dwayne?"

"Everything okay?"

"Peachy."

"So you and Lorraine got in a fight?"

"Sorta. I mean, I love her. But I guess...I dunno. How do you know when someone is your soul mate?"

"You just feel it...I guess. Do you feel it?"

"This is too girly for me to be talking about."

"Maybe. Want to talk about breasts instead?"

"I mean...I feel it. I feel happy when I'm with her. She's incredible. She's perfect...so why can't I say it?"

"Because...you're afraid of putting yourself out there."

"No...maybe...I don't know."

"Yeah. You're afraid that if you say what you're thinking or feeling, she'll reject it in some way."

"Ah...Speaking from experience?"

"Maybe. No. I dunno. But we're talking about you tonight. My problems are my problems."

"No...no...I want to know. I mean, I know I don't agree with everything you do in this situation, but...I know you love her. So tell, what happened?"

"Jon..."

"Jimmy."

"I hate when you do that. Don't call me Jimmy, I won't call you Johnny."

"Fair enough. So, what happened?"

"It's really stupid...Michael wrote a screen play that he was a secret agent and Pam found it. We made copies and the whole office acted it out. It was...really fun. Then later that night, I cancelled plans with Katy, because honestly, she's kind of clingy and...I hung out with Pam on the roof until it got really late. It was nice you know. I made her my grill cheese and for once, I felt like she was happy to be there with just me. She didn't run home when Roy came to get her, she stayed, to hang out with me."

"And?"

"Wait...why do we always end up talking about me?"

"Because you're so damned interesting and stuff..."

"Shutup. So...the next day I kind of said it was our first date, as a joke...and she...she just cut it short. It wasn't a date. So I snapped at her because earlier, she said her first date with Roy ended up with him leaving her at a hockey game because he forgot about her..."

"What. A. Winner."

"I hurt her feelings. I didn't...mean to."

"But I understand. You're becoming frustrated. And every time you hear stories like that....stories about him being an asshole to her...and you know you couldn't do that to her, like ever...it makes you mad."

"Yeah."

"Lorraine told me she loved me and I just...froze."

"At least, you can say it to her."

"Look at us, the Halpert boys...fine, strapping, young lads-"

"Whoa. Did you say 'Lads?'"

"Yes, we're young stapping lads, and yet we can't catch a break in the girl department."

"Who calls people ‘lads' anymore?"

"Not the point, anyway- oh, Lorraine's beeping in."

"Answer it."

"Okay, bye."

"I'm sorry I didn't make it to your party."

"That's because I didn't invite you."

"Still... Is it over?"

"Yeah. Just cleaning up. Mark's abandoned me because Stephanie owns his soul now or something."

"Bummer. How'd it turn out?"

"Pretty damn good. The entire office showed up, we sang Karaoke. Dwight thought it was a surprise party for Michael. All together, pretty damned good."

"Michael showed up after all? I thought-"

"He spied it on my email e-vites. And just showed up and began a thrilling rendition of Islands In the Stream..."

"And to think I missed that."

"You did. Wow...they totally trashed my place."

"Did, Pam show up?"

"Um...yeah...yeah she showed up. She had fun too."

"What...happened?"

"Nothing. Tonight was pretty mellow. No Laguna Beach type drama tonight."

"Ah....so...are you guys cool now? Still friends with no benefits?"

"We're fine. I mean, she was up in my room and I showed her my dashing freshman high school yearbook photo."

"Wow, and you think she'll ever like you now?"

"Probably not."

"Sounds like a good night?"

"It was. It was."

"Katy come over?"

"Nope. Haven't...really talked to Katy."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Ohhh...hey, wanna meet up tomorrow?"

"Sure...what time?"