"I...I just...it feels right. I just feel it. I feel...wait, what if she says no?!"

"Um...she's not going to say no."

"But she could. She could say no, or walk away or..."

"Okay! STOP! A.) why would she when she's totally in love with you? And B.) Shut up."

"It's a valid question! She could say no."

"Yeah but why are you being so pessimistic? She's put up with you this long-"

"I can do this."

"You sound like Bob the Builder."

"Who?"

"A cartoon...never mind, when you have kids, you'll know who I'm talking about."

"Kids. Wow! Dude, I might have kids one day!"

"Yes, you too can reproduce."

"Wait, you don't have kids. How do you know-?"

"Sasha, babysitting. And sometimes, I might...watch Nickelodeon when I'm bored."

"Sad. That's so incredibly sad. If you were still dating Katy-"

"Butttt...I'm not. So let's go back to you. Want to know the truth? I'm shocked about all this; I thought you'd die a bachelor."

"Can you not do that? Make jokes? I mean...I'm like...hyperventilating over here."

"Okay, calm down. Breathe Jon. You can do this. Remember when you told me you could eat a whole can of Spam in like three minutes?-"

"What does that have to do with anything?'

"Just listen. Sure you got sick, but you ate it!  If you can do that, you can do this."

"Wow...you really suck at motivational speeches."

"I do what I can do when I can do it."

"What does that even mean? Ya know what, don't even explain. So, I have a big ass diamond ring in my pocket, I'm going to ask my girlfriend to marry me....soon...I think...maybe. Wow...I can't."

"Okay, seriously you're pissing me off. Get a hold of yourself. Lorraine will say yes. Look I swear, man, take this opportunity. Finding that kind of love doesn't happen everyday. You've got to grab it and dude; if you let this one get away I will kick your gangly ass myself." ((deeply exhales))

"Um...you're very violent today. Yeah...so...What's up with you?"

"Uh uh. Your issues have me beat today. I want to focus on that paycheck and a half you must have spent when you went in on that ring."

"I feel the need to dry heave."

"That's like the down payment on a car. My god, Jon, you're going to get married."

"Jesus..."

"No seriously bro I'm happy for you."

"Thank you, Jim. I'm glad to hear you say that."

"Well, I mean, I like Lorraine. Mom likes her, hell, even Lisa, who doesn't like anyone you ever date. She's a keeper. She loves you and you're not the easiest person to love. I think she should be sainted."

"You are a very mean person."

"I call it like I see it. So how are you going to do it? Scroll it across a jumbotron? Propose on the Eifel Tower, because women love that..."

"I don't want to be too cliché, ya know? Like, I want it to be something that blows her mind. I don't know. I...let's talk about something else before my head explodes. How's work?"

"Noppppe. You're trying to trap me. I'm not going to talk about me."

"I don't know why you fight it. You always end up talkin'. I'll just sit here and ask you questions until you do."

"I hate you."

"So what happened?"

"I think I might have pushed Pam too far today."

"You told her you were in love with her?"

"No..."

"You told her her fiancé sucks donkey balls?"

"((pause))Nope. I don't think I said all that. But close enough."

"Okay then what?"

"Today Jan wanted to have a talk with the ladies of the office. Michael didn't like that at all, because he isn't a woman and I guess he felt discriminated against. So he got all of the guys to go down into the warehouse and work."

"So you were down there with Roy?"

"Yeah. And he...he actually approached me about my crush on Pam."

"Oh my god! Are you okay? Obviously you kicked his ass because you're sitting here talking to me on the phone-"

"He didn't fight me. Not saying I could take his ass but I would have gotten a lick or two in-"

"We've fought before. Trust me; you would have gone down like chopped tree."

"Screw you. He said he was okay with it, because it was along time ago and Pam needed a friend because...basically he said he wasn't interested in listening to her feelings."

"Every time you tell me something about this guy, I can totally see why women swoon..."

"Yeah...well anyway, while I was praying not to get my ass kicked, our boss Jan found out Pam was really good at art and offered her an opportunity to go into some internship or something with Dunder-Mifflin. Pam was all excited when I came upstairs, you should have seen the look on her face. It was like...I've never seen her so excited, other than when we prank or something."

"So is she going to take it?"

"No. Because Roy convinced her to give up on it. And frankly, that just pissed me off. How many opportunities has he pissed away because he's holding her back? How many times has she stopped herself from trying something different because his big ass can't accept change? I just, when she told me she was taking it, or when I saw that written all over her face...I just...snapped. I mean, why can't he see he's hindering her?"

"I get you're frustrated little brother, but may I say something?"

"Sure..."

"Yes, this Roy guy isn't the one stopping Pam from doing better. Sure he's a catalyst. Sure he's probably a reason. But Pam's in control of what she wants and it's her decision to go for it or ignore it in favor of Roy."

((pause)) "I hate when you're right..."

"Well...that means you're hating about 98 percent of the time..."

"She should want more. She should want to be more than just-"

"Maybe...you just have to keep trying to show her she can have more."

"I did a really bad thing..."

"Are there hookers involved?"

"Um...not today..."

"Will you go to prison for it?"

"No."

"Then okay...what's wrong?"

"I kind of complained about Pam planning her wedding at work. To HR."

"Dude...what-?"

"I know! I know! I just...I can't sit there and listen to her bargain away whether or not she can feed 150 people or 130. Or try to figure out if she can budget if she gets a smaller bouquet. Or the difference between renting a tuxedo or buying one."

"How much do you think is too much for a tuxedo?"

"FOCUS."

"Sorry..."

"I just needed to rant so I just went to Toby and started going off and I couldn't stop. I mean, seriously do you understand how hard it is for me to sit there and listen to her talk about her gown or to listen to her talk about bridesmaid dresses day in and day out? It feels like someone is kicking me in the chest every time I hear another thing about that damn wedding! It's...it's driving me insane."

"Take a deep breath, Jim."

"Jon, she's really going to marry him."

"I...know."

"I can't stay here."

"Jim-"

"I can't...watch her do this."

"Do you need me to come down? Do you want to come up here? You're unraveling and this isn't good."

"I know. I have to...I need to take a vacation."

"That sounds like a good idea. Get some time away, think about what you want to do-"

"Far away from Scranton, and weddings, and Pam..."

"Yeah. You know what? Vegas. Vegas is good."

"No. Farther..."

"California?"

"Farther."

"What the hell, Jim? The moon?"

"Australia. Remember Mom and Dad went before we were born? And they had all these pictures, and they went backpacking and-"

"Whoa...okay I get you needing a vacation. But Australia? Jim that's kind of frigging far."

"Exactly. Another time zone."

"Another hemisphere...Or why not Antarctica? Is that far enough? Seriously Jim..."

"I.need.this."

((sigh)) "I know..."

"Still going to Australia?"

"Yep, just booked my hotel."

"That's...what you're doing... is crazy."

"You're crazy. Hey maybe if I like it, you and Lorraine can go there for your honeymoon?"

"Maybe...so...how was your date?"

"Eh..."

"Sounds promising."

"I mean, she's nice, I just don't think she's my type."

"So her name's not Pam Beesley."

"Such a fucking comedian..."

"Ouch...someone's being catty today. So look, I scored some tickets to this game Saturday. Want to go?"

"Sure, you're buying me dinner right?"

"You gonna put out?"

"Mom raised a winner with you, Jon."

"Broke the mold. Lorraine is sending you out an invite to the engagement party. You think you could possibly muster enough of your sarcastic wit to not look like a dejected balless love sick puppy and come meet some of her hot friends?"

"Hot by whose standards?"

"Stung again by the second born Halpert son."

"Well Mom and Dad didn't get the first time quite right, so they had to try again."

"Oh...I'm so going to body slam your ass when you come up here...Punch you right in the prostate."

"Oh yeah, I needed to tell you, one of my co workers had, like, a cancer scare. It freaked me out; we spent all day worrying about his results."

"Who was it? Because Dwight can't get cancer. Cancer is for the weak."

"Kevin."

"Fantasy football Kev? Is he going to be alright?"

"Yeah, it turned out negative but he needs to take some more tests. I think it's going to be all good though."

"Good...I hope he's alright, he's helped me win a lot of money with his draft picks."

"Kev's a cool guy. We all tried to rally around him to make him feel better...everyone but Michael, who was upset because everyone was ignoring him on his birthday."

"God...not this year too! The man is like in his forties!"

"He was an only child...I guess it's a big deal to him. On a positive note, Dwight put Michael's head through the ceiling, literally..."

"I don't want to know."

"Pam and I went to the store and got him some store brand imposter cologne. The smile on his face...priceless."

"So you and Pam...are okay now?"

"We have our moments. Some days, being friends is okay enough for me."

"Other days?"

"I want to fucking rip my hair out."

((pause)) "Can you bring me back a Koala bear? A real one? Lorraine won't let me get a dog."

"Yeah, sure, I'll just shove that in a bag next to the platypus and kangaroo I'm going to bring back."

"A dingo ate your bay-bay."

"Stop..."

"No seriously...I really want a Koala bear."