"Mmmphfpphhhgarggg."

"Uh, hello? Can I speak to Jon?"

"Huh? I said hello...you called me, remember?"

"Well, next time answer speaking the Queen's English. What are you doing? What's all that noise? You're having sex aren't you? You are. Wow. That's disgusting...and awkward."

"No, I had a piece of toast in my mouth while I was locking the door and answering the phone. I was...trying to multi-task but obviously it's not my thing. And FYI, if...at any point in my life where I was having actual real life two person sex, I would definitely NOT be answering ANY of your calls."

"Touché."

"What are you up to?"

"Nothing, waiting for the pizza to get here. Still sitting in my work clothes."

"You are a man of leisure, aren't you?"

"You're so funny Jon. You remind me of Dane Cook. Except, even less funny, and not as popular with the ladies."

"No need to throw insults. How was work? Or shall I say...Pam?"

"The cameras are there. They started yesterday."

"I still don't get that. Why do a documentary on a fifth rated paper company...in Scranton? Unless you guys, like, do something awesome like underground drag racing, I don't see the point."

"Wow. That...kinda hurt. Are you saying my job is boring?"

"Let me think...yeah, yeah I am."

"Well I dunno. It is kind of weird they want to film us. I don't want to expose the outside world to Dwight, besides, no one will probably even watch it, and it'll be on PBS at like four thirty in the morning behind that guy who paints fluffy clouds or something. Pam's all nervous they are going to give Michael even more of an excuse to act like an ass."

"She has a point."

"Yeah, we were in the break room the other day and Michael asked her at what point did her breasts start to develop, because...he thought he was developing breasts."

"I'm sorry...what? Repeat that for me."

"He's gained some weight and been losing his hair recently, I'm guessing his chest area is become a little...breast-y."

"Ummm. Well, what did Pam say? It is a valid question."

"No...no, Jon. Normal people don't ask things like that. Only people like Michael would. And then Dwight would print out research on it for him to read up on. But normal everyday people like you and me...we don't say things like that. As far as Pam, it kind of stunned us for a moment; I think she fell into shock or something."

"So what did she say? Did she slap him? Scream at him, go to HR? What? Why hasn't Michael gotten dragged to corporate for his comments yet?"

"He's just being Michael. No harm no foul. I was going to say something, after I picked my jaw up off the floor, but Pam didn't even say anything because...Roy and Darryl walked in and Michael's afraid of the warehouse guys, so that was that. Roy saved the day...I guess."

"Uh oh."

"What?"

"Roy mention...you usually get in a mood after you say his name."

"Mood? I don't have a mood. What are you...I don't...it's not like that."

"Seriously, Jim..."

"Don't start."

"It's been two years."

"I know."

"You have missed your calling to be some kind of monk or something. Because you too fucking patient."

"Why? Because I think Pam's breasts are inappropriate to talk about in the break room at work?"

"No...listen, I know you don't like talking about it..."

"I don't so, just stop."

"But Jim, you have to..."

"Hold on a sec...Mom's beeping in."

"Saved by the fucking bell."

"Bye Jon."

"Hey."

"Hey man."

"That's it? No quick barb of witty repartee? Nothing?"

"Okay, how about this? You...suck?"

"Uh, no effort was put into that. It's pathetic. What's going on with you?"

"Me? Eh, nothing. Nothing at all, except...I didn't get that big commission sale today, so I won't be able to hang out with you guys in Philly next week like I thought. I gotta make up for the difference in my paycheck."

"Aw man, you're fucking kidding me right? You always land that deal. What happened?"

"Michael apparently got hold of a Chris Rock comedy special, and decided to act it out, in great detail, at work."

"Sounds bad."

"King of the understatements. It kind of offended everyone, including small furry animals. Corporate sent down a diversity coach to help us ‘deal' with Michael's comments, but that only lead to more comments...and let's just say Dwight got my sale and the world friggin' hates me, ok? Happy now. I need a beer."

"Dude, you seriously have got to find another job. Dwight got your sale?"

"Dwight."

"Dwight Schrute? Dwight K. Schrute? The guy who has no social skills what-so-ever?"

"Don't...make me feel even worse. Eh. I was just...I gotta give it to him, whatever he did or said, he deserved that sale."

"Too fucking modest. Why aren't you more angry? I would be pissed. You're way too melancholy about this. Dude stole your client, now you can't go to Philly."

"I'll figure out something. No reason to get mad at Dwight or Michael. It's just another day in the office."

"You work in a crazy ass office."

"Tell me about it."

"Sorry you had a bad day."

"Not such a bad day actually..."

"Hmmm... so...what did Pam say about Dwight stealing your sale?"

"She doesn't know about my sale. She was so worn out from Michael's presentation and his assertion to attack racism with the North-"

"Wow."

"Yeah, she just, she fell asleep on me while we were sitting in the conference room. Just sort of conked out."

"Wait, wait, wait...ON you? On you, like on your body? Like, what part?"

"You, sir...are gross."

"Part of my charm."

"She fell asleep on my shoulder, ya ditz."

"Awww, how Sweet Valley High of you both."

"Shutup."

"Well at least it wasn't all a waste, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Don't worry about Philly. You're coming. I'll front you. No way am I letting you miss the game and watching Chuck get wasted off of domestic beer."

"Jon-"

"No buts. Me. You. Beers. In Philly. Gonna happen. Talk to you later."

"...so I'm sitting there, wondering what the hell? This girl just stuck her FINGER in my mouth and-"

"No way!"

"-All the way down my throat and I'm looking like ‘what the hell?' and Dean is totally cracking up because then the girl just walked away like she didn't just shove her finger in my throat while I was talking!"

"That does NOT happen in real life, Jon. You are lying and making this up."

"I swear to god..."

"No, no...I don't believe you! Oh god...give me a second, let me just...breathe... wow. Okay. Wait a minute, still laughing."

"Crazy. So, what happened at good ole Dunder- Mifflin today?"

"I'm still trying to get the image of the girl shoving her finger in your mouth out of my head. Nothing really happened today. I mean...I met someone."

"I'm sorry....you met someone, you said? A girl?"

"Uh, yeah. Katy."

"Jesus, Jim. This is huge."

"Shutup. We just went out for a few drinks."

"No, no! Tell me more."

"There's nothing to tell, she's a nice girl. Red hair. Pretty face. She was selling purses in the conference room; she's like a vendor or something."

"So she's hot?"

"Yeah...you can say she's pretty hot. But it's not all about looks. Well for me it isn't...I'm not a shallow bastard like you are. She looks like she would be high maintenance, but she's not. She's pretty cool to hang out with actually."

"Wow. And you like her?"

"Um...You act as though you are surprised I like girls or something."

"No, it's just...her name isn't Pam."

"Ah. Here we go."

"No, Jim...I'm serious. This Katy girl...you think will help you get over-?"

"Look, Katy's...I'm getting to know her. We went out, had a couple of drinks-"

"Made out?"

"Maybe. That's...none of your business. I'm just saying, I'm going to give it a chance. It's not like love at first sight or anything."

"Like you had with Pam."

"Are you gonna rag on me about her today? Swear to god, I just want one conversation where you aren't ragging on me about her. I'm trying to get over this crush, Pam's with...Roy. They are engaged and I'm not in love with her, because she's engaged. We're friends. We're just...friends."

"You keep chanting that and maybe it will come true."

"I don't get it. You act as if I should make a move on a woman who's obviously in love with another guy."

"I'm not saying you should. I'm saying you should get to know Katy."

"I'm trying to. I just..."

"Hang up and call her now."

"I'm talking to you. You want me to hang up in your face and call her, just like that?"

"Call her, take her out, just...be the young single guy you are."

"Yeah...okay. Whatever."

"Or sit there and pine for a girl who's getting married whenever her fiancée learns how to read a calendar. Whatever makes you happy."

"I really, really wish you were adopted."

"No you don't."

"Can we get back to the girl shoving her finger down your throat?"

"She was kinda hot, though...so...I think I found that a bit kinky."

"Oh my god..."