It was Thursday lunchtime, and, as usual, he had waited until the last minute to go shopping. He had plenty of ideas of things to buy her, but none of them were suitable gifts for a friend. He knew that he had to tread carefully as his gift was going to be opened in front of all of their colleagues and their boss, Michael, who needed very little encouragement to make even the most mundane situation painfully awkward. It would only take one poorly chosen gift for his feelings for Pam to be exposed in front of the whole office, and, consequently, most of Scranton. The pressure was on and he knew it.

He wanted his gift to be ordinary enough that it wouldn’t turn heads, but at the same time he didn’t want to just spend a few dollars buying her something meaningless that she would probably dispose of as soon as she got home. No. He wanted his gift to mean something. He wanted it to be personal enough that every time she looked at it she would think of him.

He’d deliberately taken his lunch break five minutes early to give him the optimum time to shop. The office had been pretty quiet when he’d left, and as he’d headed for the door, only Pam had looked up from her desk to flash him a quizzical smile. It was the same smile she usually gave when he was planning something and she wanted in, only this time, instead of letting her into the secret, he’d given her a quick wave before darting out of the main door. He’d been aware that his actions would have aroused her suspicions, but he knew he couldn’t risk being caught leaving the office without a good reason.

Once in the car park he’d had a job to think of the best place to go to buy a present. The Mall was only a fifteen-minute drive away, but with the usual lunchtime traffic it was unlikely that he’d have more than about ten minutes to shop before he’d have to make his way back. The other option was the local Wal-Mart, which wasn’t ideal, but once he remembered that the secret Santa had a firm 20-dollar limit, he didn’t feel quite so bad about picking somewhere so ordinary.

Since entering the store he’d spent most of his time in the DVD aisle and at the perfume counter, but both had left him feeling deflated. He didn’t want to buy Pam a movie that she would probably end up watching with Roy, and perfume, he’d decided, was too intimate. He’d only sniffed the contents of a few innocent-looking bottles before the sales assistant had approached him and bombarded him with a number of questions that he couldn’t quite bring himself to answer. He’d made his excuses and retreated as fast as the trolley’s squeaking wheels had allowed him to.

Now he was stuck in the candy aisle desperately wishing he’d picked Kevin, or Stanley, for secret Santa instead. It was so much less complicated shopping for a man than a woman. Particularly a woman he was secretly in love with. He glanced around at the garish multicoloured packages around him and considered his options. He could always buy her candy? He knew the kind she liked, or at least what she bought from the vending machine for lunch each day. But somehow it didn’t seem right. Candy was hardly the kind of gift you bought a best friend for Christmas. He could just imagine her face if she were to open a bag of jellybeans while everyone else had a proper gift. No. Definitely not candy.

He chewed down thoughtfully on his bottom lip. Perhaps he could get her a photo frame for her desk? He shook his head the idea. As far as he was concerned she already had too many photographs of her and Roy on her desk without him encouraging another one. The very thought of yet another image of Roy, with his arm possessively wrapped around her waist would only add more salt to his wound. No. A photo frame was not a good idea.

He allowed himself to picture Pam back at the office, where she was most likely sitting at her desk, bored out of her mind playing Solitaire, or answering the phone. He smiled at the image. His job officially sucked, but with Pam there on reception each day it sure made it a lot more tolerable.

He knew she hated her job too, but she never admitted it to anyone but him. She needn’t have worried about keeping it a secret. He was pretty sure that everyone in the office - with the exception of Michael and Dwight - hated their jobs too. After all, there really wasn’t much to like. The work was repetitive and boring, the people were nice but slightly dull, the office was noisy and cramped, and despite all his good intentions, Michael really was an awful boss. The more Jim thought about it the more he realised how wasted he was at the Scranton branch. He had a good knowledge of business, a friendly and likeable personality and was a good salesman, when he put his mind to it. He could definitely do much better. In fact, he was probably the best salesman in the office, and could easily get another job if he wanted to. But that was the problem. He didn’t want to. All the while Pam was there smiling at him from behind reception he knew that he couldn’t quit. Just the thought of not seeing her everyday made him feel panicky. But then that was stupid. After all, she was engaged. She was in love with Roy. Engaged to Roy. No matter how he felt inside, she was preparing to make the ultimate commitment to another man…

Perhaps candy wasn’t such a terrible idea after all? Her supply of jellybeans on the reception desk was running pretty low, and although she usually bought it herself, it would save her a trip…

No. He couldn’t do it. No matter how Pam felt about him, he couldn’t just buy her a lame bag of candy for Christmas. He pushed the trolley a little further and after taking an immediate right, found himself at the beginning of the hot beverage aisle. He shook his head in frustration and glanced at his watch. Twenty minutes left. Twenty minutes! If he didn’t find something soon he’d have to come back tomorrow, or worse, have to make her something. Even the thought of it gave him the beginnings of a headache. No, he had to think and act fast. There had to be something in the store that was suitable.

He continued past the hot chocolate sachets and the various blends of herbal tea before pausing in front of the comical mugs. A mug? It wasn’t a totally awful idea. Immediately an image of Michael’s ‘world’s best boss’ mug filled his mind and he cringed. It didn’t really give him the warm, fuzzy feeling he was hoping for. No, a mug wasn’t right. But he did feel he was getting slightly warmer. Pam had mentioned something about a teapot a few weeks ago. Perhaps he could get her that? He knew she preferred tea to coffee, but usually settled for the latter rather than use the communal office teapot, which, quite frankly, was in a disgusting state. Yeah, a teapot was a great idea!

He scanned the selection of teapots in front of him, eliminating the comical one, the one with flying pigs, and the zebra striped one, which weren’t really to his taste, or, he assumed, Pam’s. That left him a choice of three. After a moment of consideration he picked his favourite from the stand and inspected it closely. It was ideal; not too delicate that it wouldn’t stand up to daily use, but at the same time feminine enough that it would be obvious to whom it belonged. Even as he held it in his hands he could picture her face as she unwrapped it. Yes. He’d definitely found the right gift.

Taking a quick glance at the price tag but deciding to buy it regardless of the cost, he placed the teapot gently into the trolley and sped off towards the tills. With any luck he’d be back in the office before anyone would have realised he’d gone.

+ + + +

Later that night Jim sat at his desk – or home office, as Pam so affectionately called it, and prepared to write the Christmas card which would accompany his gift. Unlike the teapot, he was hopeful that she would be opening it in private and therefore he was determined to find exactly the right words to write inside. He wasn’t yet sure what he was going to say, but he knew that he didn’t want to just write ‘Merry Christmas’ and sign his name underneath like he usually did.

The words weren’t flowing very easily so far. But he was determined to persevere.

‘Dear Pam, Merry Christmas! I hope you like the teapot. I remembered you saying how much you wanted one for the office. Anyways … I hope you like it...’

He read over his words and let out a frustrated sigh. That was pathetic. He crumpled the piece of paper in his fist and tossed it onto the floor. This was his third attempt, and he still couldn’t work out what to say. Fortunately, he’d decided to practice his message on a spare notepad before writing on the actual card. The way things were going, he would be halfway through the pad before he was happy with what he’d come up with.

‘Dear Pam, Merry Christmas! Since now is the time of year for letting people know how much you care, I figured it was time to tell you how much you mean to me...’

He once again scanned his words with a disapproving frown. That was rubbish too. He momentarily buried his head in his hands and let out a low groan. This was turning out be a lot harder than he expected. He’d thought after buying the teapot that the rest would come easily, but he’d been wrong. In fact, buying the gift was ten times easier than this. But hang on. Wasn’t that because he was avoiding the main issue? Why was he once again hinting at his feelings, but not quite admitting them? What if he finally bit the bullet and told her how he felt?

After all, what did he have to loose? Okay. That was stupid. He had everything to loose. If Pam turned him down, or worse said that she could no longer even be friends with him, then he would have lost everything. She was the glue that was keeping him in Scranton. If he lost her, he’d have no reason to stay. He took a deep breath and let it out again in a rush. Wow. He really was risking everything by letting her know how he felt. But then again, could he really continue with the way things were going right now? Could he really carry on with the sleepless nights? The driving to work with butterflies in his stomach at the prospect of seeing her? Could he really go on being so close, and yet so far? It was becoming harder and harder to hide his feelings at work. Surely now was the time to tell her before it became public knowledge and she found out from someone else?

He stared again at the paper and began to scribble down his thoughts.

‘…seriously, though. There isn’t much at work to keep me from wanting to throw myself under a train, so you should feel proud that you are maintaining my sanity.’

He cringed. That was the worst attempt yet. He scribbled it out and tried again.

‘Dear Pam, Work would really suck without you! Merry Christmas – Jim.’

Okay. Not terrible. It was blunt and simple, but it hardly got the message across. He closed his eyes and allowed a mental image of Pam to occupy his thoughts. This was for Pam. His Pam. Okay, not really his Pam, but … maybe? He pictured her wide, green eyes that twinkled with mischief. Her small and perfect mouth that gave him butterflies whenever she flashed him that smile - the one she used when they were deeply involved in plotting a practical joke and she was excited. He imagined her fiddling with the ends of her curly hair as she stared at her computer screen, her brow furrowed slightly as she plotted her next move in Solitaire. He could picture her so easily and clearly that he felt his heart begin to pound in his chest.

In that moment he knew exactly what he wanted to say. It was risky, and there would be no way to deny his feelings once they were out in the open, but he had to take the chance. She was worth it. Even if he lost her completely he had to try. He had to know if there was ever a chance for him.

With a trembling hand he brushed the notepad aside and reached for the card. He didn’t need to practice anymore. What he was going to say would come right from the heart. Taking a deep breath he began to write.

‘Dear Pam, Merry Christmas! I hope you liked the teapot and the little surprises inside. I thought it might bring a smile to your face, which you probably needed on the dreaded office party day! Anyway, I hope you have a great holiday and make the most of your time away from the office. You’ve earned it!

I also want to say thanks for being such a great friend this year. You have no idea what a difference it makes having you around at work. I really don’t think I could carry on without you, which brings me to something I’ve been meaning to say to you for a while.

I know that this isn’t ideal timing, but then again I’ve been waiting for so long for a ‘perfect’ time that I know that it will never come. So I figured I should just go for it. Bite the bullet and tell you that I love you. I’ve loved you for what seems like forever, and even though you are engaged, and Roy will probably kill me for saying this; I need you to know how I feel. - Jim'

- - - - - -The End - - - - - - -