This is awkward.
10 seconds ago he had his hands on her back and her waist. She had leaned into him and then away and he had kept kissing her after he knew he should stop.
And now they are staring at each other. And it is awkward because of the things that were said and all the things that were not. Because of her hand on his neck. Because there was no taking it back.
"This is awkward," he says with a lopsided and uncomfortable grin, trying to make her feel like it is ok to feel weird.
"Uh, yeah," she's looking down at her feet to make sure she's still standing.
"Pam, I didn't mean to...this is not what I...umm," searching for words that would make sense. Even words that would make a complete sentence. But nothing makes sense and sentences don't really matter.
She looks up at him then, waiting for more words, more anything. Anything to make the pounding stop in her head, her chest.
"This is not what?" Her voice is even. Waiting.
"This is not what I meant to happen. It's just, you were standing here and I...I couldn't think of anything else to do."
"Of all the things in the world you could have done, that was the only thing you could think?" She sounds angry.
And now so does he. "C'mon, Pam. Please don't act surprised. Like you didn't know this would happen."
She opens her mouth as if she is shocked. But she isn't. She did know it was going to happen. And she badly wanted it to happen. She thinks of all the times she sat at her desk playing solitaire, picturing his hands on her face, her hips, mouth on mouth, pressed up against the kitchen counter, bathroom stall, on his desk. She blushes at how accurate she had been with that last one.
"Pam?" She looks back up at his face, not realizing how long she had been staring at his left hand.
"Yeah," looking up into one eye, then the other, "yeah, I knew it would." She sounds resigned, defeated. She feels naked because now nothing is a secret.
He licks his lips and they feel itchy and foreign and he presses them together to make it stop. He takes a step back because he is starting to feel uncomfortable and too hot.
And then she tucks a hair behind her ear and suddenly he is so hot and dizzy that he takes another step back. He wants to touch that hair, to put it in his mouth, to tug on it. And if he stays too close he just might.
She looks up at him confused. Where is he going? She wants him to leave and forget this. To see him on Monday and to pretend again that they don't know what they're pretending, but she wants him to stay. She wants him to stay.
"Jim, it's ok. It's ok." Its her fault too that this is happening. And she reaches out to touch his arm, to let him know they are still there and that this is happening and that it's ok.
But it's not ok. He stares at her hand, feels the weight on his arm, feels the heat. Then he reaches up and grabs it. He feels angry with her for being so calm. It was not ok.
"It's not ok, please don't say it is. You are marrying someone else very soon, and that's not ok. Not when I'm kissing you and you're letting me."
And she cringes when she thinks of Roy. How this has nothing to do with him. How this is the only thing in her life that is hers and she shakes her head to get Roy out of it.
"No, it's not. You're right." And she means it.
This makes him feel better for a second.
Until, he remembers he is still gripping her hand. Tiny fist enclosed in his. And he drops it. And then she feels like she's having that dream where she's falling.
"Um, I should just probably go." His eyes are wide like he can't believe what he's saying. But he doesn't move.
"No." She doesn't know why she says that. But now she can't take it back. And he raises his eyebrows and she wants to kiss them. And she knows that if he leaves she probably will never have the nerve to again.
So she takes two steps forward, closing the gap. His eyes are still wide as he watches her reach her hand up. Then they close as she's touching his ear, large and goofy under his mess of hair and he keeps them closed as she kisses his chin, doesn't move when she's bending his head so she can kiss his nose. Doesn't move as she pulls his face further to kiss his eyebrow. And he keeps his eyes closed when she stops, when her face is close to his but he doesn't move except to let air in and out. And he thinks it feels like praying.
And all at once his mouth is on hers again, not gentle this time but rough, needy, hands on her hips pushing her back, back against the desk. Her hands are in his hair pulling, pushing his head into hers and it hurts. And she wants it to. And as suddenly as it started, it stops. He pulls back, eyes closed, bottom lip still between her teeth.
And her face is numb and her lips hurt from the pressure and from the lack of pressure. And she thinks that this is the best and that this is the worst moment she can remember.
And his eyes are still closed and he can't think because his head hurts from her nails digging into it. Hurts because now they're not. Hurts, hurts. And he is sure that this is the worst moment of his life.
He opens his eyes and sees her hand over her mouth, touching her lips. And she's looking at him and she's scared. And he knows that she's always been scared, probably always will be. And he knows what that means.
So he says again, "I should go." And this time he moves away. But this time she doesn't stop him.
Hurt by boredatwork
Author's Chapter Notes:
This is my first shot at fanfiction.
All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
boredatwork is the author of 2 other stories.
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