INT- Michael’s Office
Natalie is sitting in Michael’s office. Michael walks in and sits at his desk with a mug of coffee. He opens a Red Bull and pours it in the coffee. Natalie makes a face.
NATALIE
Long night?
MICHAEL
I had diarrhea.
NATALIE
Wow. Rough. You know, you probably shouldn’t be drinking coffee if you have diarrhea. It’s a natural laxative.
MICHAEL
It’s not to make me relax, it’s to wake me up. Besides, I don’t like the taste of Red Bull. Too sweet.
NATALIE
Oh. So you… use it to sweeten your coffee?
MICHAEL
Yuppers. Besides, it has the same stuff that blue sugar does… what is it (looks at the label) assper… asspark… ass-part?
NATALIE
Aspartame?
MICHAEL
Yesh. (He takes a sip and makes a face.) Too hot. Anyway, so… Natalie… Natalie Portman, right?
NATALIE
Paladino. No relation. To… Portman.
MICHAEL
Oh. Is… is that… Egyptian, or?
NATALIE
Italian, actually.
MICHAEL
Oh. Donde esta la biblioteca?
NATALIE
That’s… Spanish.
MICHAEL
Same thing.
NATALIE
It’s not-
MICHAEL
You know, we actually have someone who speaks Spanish that works here- Oscar Martinez.
NATALIE
Well, I don’t speak Spanish.
MICHAEL
Oh. Well he’s gay. And he likes men, so see? You still have something in common.
NATALIE
Oh. Good.
NATALIE TH:
Michael asked me my sexual preference in my interview. Which I thought was kind of creepy… but it was either working here or at an animal shelter, where I’d just be… shoveling poop all day. (pause) The animal shelter turned me down. And I really need the money… so… yeah.
INT- Office, Angela’s desk.
Phyllis walks up.
PHYLLIS
Hello Angela.
ANGELA
Hello Phyllis. You look… nice today. (It’s obviously a forced compliment.)
PHYLLIS
Thank you, Angela. Michael would like us to plan a party for the new receptionist. Make her feel welcome.
ANGELA
Oh. Yes, I can do that.
PHYLLIS
Actually, I’ve already taken care of most of it. I just need you to grab a couple of things that are on this list. (She hands her a piece of paper.)
ANGELA (glances at the list)
Garlic bread, ice, cups… an Italian flag? What does he need an Italian flag for? Where would I even find one?
PHYLLIS
He said it’s important to celebrate her culture.
ANGELA
Italy wine? A cake shaped like the collousum?
PHYLLIS
I think that’s Colosseum.
ANGELA
The Sopranos season 1 on DVD?
PHYLLIS
Yes, to play during the party.
ANGELA
This is ridiculous. I’m not doing it. (She hands the paper back to Phyllis.)
PHYLLIS
Oh ok. Maybe I’ll just have Andy-
ANGELA (rips the paper from Phyllis’s hand)
Consider it done. Thank you, Phyllis. I will find you if I have any other questions.
Phyllis smiles and walks away.
ANGELA TH:
Personally, I think The Sopranos is dirty, filthy trash. The people from New Jersey are disgusting. It smells there. But if it’s important for Michael to have it for the party, than so be it. (Pause as she starts to cry.) I’m sorry, it’s just… Jesus wouldn’t approve.
INT- Receptionist’s desk. Kevin approaches.
KEVIN
Hola.
NATALIE
Um, hi.
KEVIN (slowly)
Me llamo is Kevin.
NATALIE
Hi, Kevin.
KEVIN
What is… your me llamo?
NATALIE
My name is Natalie. And I’m not Hispanic, so I don’t speak Spanish.
KEVIN
You’re not? But you look just like Oscar. You both have dark skin and black hair.
NATALIE
No. My parents are Italian.
KEVIN
Italian… Are you in the mafia?
NATALIE
No.
KEVIN
Because Scarface is one of my favorite movies.
NATALIE
Um… Tony Montana was Cuban.
KEVIN
I’m pretty sure he was mafia.
NATALIE
…Ok.
KEVIN
Have you ever… (chuckles) whacked someone?
NATALIE
No.
KEVIN TH:
The new girl, Natalie, is in the Italian Mafia. She's also really, really hot. (Pause.)I wonder if she’s here to kill us.
INT- Kitchen. Kevin and Dwight are talking.
KEVIN
The new girl Natalie? (Checks to make sure no one is looking before whispering.) She’s mafia.
DWIGHT
Are you sure? Where did you get this information? How reliable are you sources?
DWIGHT TH:
I’m not surprised that Natalie is in the mafia. Her last name is Italian, and Italy is the birthplace of organized crime. They also have good gelato.
INT- kitchen with Kevin and Dwight
DWIGHT
Ok. Here’s what I need you to do. Find out what Family she’s associated with. (Kevin nods.) The Scarfo crime family in Philadelphia is one of the most powerful crime families in the American Mafia. Fine out if there’s any relation.
KEVIN
But how do I find out?
DWIGHT
By any means necessary.
KEVIN
Should I assemble the five families?
DWIGHT
No. That's too dangerous. We do this on our own. Also, find out if she’s wearing a wig.
DWIGHT TH:
For all we know, “Natalie”, if that is her real name, could be a real-life Sydney Bristow. A covert assassin sent here by vile thug lords to start a mafia war. Why is she in Scranton? Probably because it’s the last place federal agents would think to look. Also, it’s the exact same distance between Philadelphia and New York City. You know, I was almost recruited by the CIA. Invading an underground crime ring may be just the thing I need for them to make me an asset.
DWIGHT
Kevin. You are officially considered my associate in this investigation. And if you prove yourself worthy enough, you will be sworn in as a full member.
KEVIN
Member of what?
DWIGHT
That will be determined. Now swear Omerta.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Once again, don't own anything. Just lots of thoughts and ideas.
Chapter End Notes:
Reviews would be grand!
