INT- Reception.
NATALIE
Dunder Mifflin, this is Natalie… Yes, just a moment.
Natalie goes to transfer the call, but is looking around confused.
NATALIE
Hey, Jim.
JIM
Yeah.
He walks over to her desk.
NATALIE
Which one is Oscar again? Michael gave me cheat sheet to help me remember everybody, and all he put for Oscar was “Mexican Ambassador to the Dunder Mifflinite people.”
JIM
Wow. Tough gig.
NATALIE
Also, which one is Toby? He just crossed his name out, and beside it he wrote, “Dead to me”.
JIM
Well what did he say about me?
NATALIE
Not bad to look at, smells like Men’s Vogue magazine.
JIM
Nice.
NATALIE
Oh, and he added built like a beanpole, spends most of his time playing online poker.
JIM
It really says that?
NATALIE
Sadly, I only added the last two things.
JIM
Ouch, you do not play around Paladino. Nice.
JIM TH:
Yeah, I think the new girl is going to fit in very well around here. She wasn't alarmed when Michael asked if she still shopped for clothes at Kids 'R Us, or if she rode her Lil' Tyke convertible car to work so, yeah, I think she'll be fine.
INT- Break room.
Natalie is buying something from the vending machines when Kelly walks in.
NATALIE
Hi. I’m Natalie, the new receptionist. (She holds out her hand for Kelly to shake.)
KELLY Talking Head:
Yeah, Natalie’s pretty. If you think dressing like a complete skank qualifies as being pretty.
INT- Break room.
We see Dwight spying on Natalie through the blinds. He quickly tries to duck out of view as she walks out of the break room. She’s wearing a regular button down shirt and pencil skirt, by the way.
NATALIE
Hey Dwight.
DWIGHT
Dammit!! (Whispers to himself.) She’s good.
INT- Kitchen.
Michael walks out of the bathroom with a sour look on his face. Oscar walks up.
MICHAEL
No. Don’t go in there.
OSCAR
What?
MICHAEL
Just… trust me, you do not want to go in there.
OSCAR
Why?
MICHAEL
I think Kevin was in there before me, and it just… man, it just reeks. It reeks bad. It’s super-duper reeky. It smells like… bad hamburger meat and Taster’s Choice. Ugh.
OSCAR
What?
MICHAEL
I tried to light a candle over it, but somehow it just made the smell even stronger. Man, it’s bad. I feel like the smell is stuck on my clothes. Do you smell anything?
OSCAR
No.
MICHAEL
Trust me, it’s there. Blech! God, Kevin. He’s so disgusting! His poop is probably the size of an elephant’s. I’m surprised it fits down that tiny little hole.
Oscar shakes his head and walks in anyway.
OSCAR Talking Head:
It was awful.
INT- Michael’s office
Michael is sitting with his head on the desk as he groans in pain. There’s a knock on the door.
MICHAEL
Go away.
DWIGHT
Michael! Michael, it’s an emergency.
MICHAEL
Ughhhhh… I know, toilet explosion in the bathroom, Oscar was in there when it happened, he told me all about it. (Dwight looks confused.) Dwight, Dwight, listen to me, I need you to go to the drug store and I need you to get me some Pepto Bismol.
DWIGHT
What? Why? What’s wrong? Was your coffee poisoned?
DWIGHT TH:
On an episode of Alias, Sydney Bristow was given a lipstick tracking device which the CIA would use to trace her whereabouts in case her mission was compromised. It’s not impossible for a woman’s make-up bag to contain similiar spy instruments. They can also contain serious lethal weapons of serious mass destruction. Like a taser disguised as an eyelash curler. You can usually find those at CVS. Or a bottle of perfume that’s really a vial of carbon monoxide. (He peeks through the blinds of the conference room and we see Natalie staring into a compact mirror.) For all we know, she could be the contacting the head godfather right now. What appears to be an ordinary mirror? BAM! Two-way radio transceiver used to make contact with the outside. Dammit! She probably has us all bugged. (He pulls the mic from his shirt pocket and stomps on it repeatedly.)
DWIGHT
Michael, I have to tell you something. Natalie isn’t a secretary. She’s a secretary IN DISGUISE.
MICHAEL
What?
DWIGHT
Natalie is in the mafia.
MICHAEL
No she’s not. That’s ridiculous.
DWIGHT
It’s true, Kevin told me.
MICHAEL
Well Kevin’s an idiot. Just the other day, he tried to tell me that Manhattan is an island. Stupid.
DWIGHT
It is an island-
MICHAEL
Just… shut it. What do you even know anyway?
DWIGHT
I know a lot about islands, I watch Lost.
MICHAEL
That show is stupid. You should watch a real show. That makes real sense. Like Grey’s Anatomy. That is a good show. No. You know what’s a good show? Gossip Girl. Man, the girls on that show are hot.
DWIGHT
You should probably throw out that coffee, it might have been poisoned. It might have anthrax in it.
MICHAEL
I do not have antrax, Dwight! Just, don’t worry. I’ll take care of it. Go to the drug store, get my Pepto Bismol and come back. Wait, before you come back, pick me up some Wendy’s will ya? Small chili, frosty and fries.
INT- Office.
Dwight is on his way out the door when he overhears Natalie on the phone. He slows his walk to catch what she’s saying.
NATALIE
Well what does the Don say?... Yes, I have it all under control… Tell Corleone to hold the strike until I give the signal. It may not be until tomorrow… I’ll meet you tonight in Liberty City and we’ll go over the details… Don’t call me here, I’ll be in touch. (She hangs up.) Oh. Hello, Dwight.
DWIGHT
(To himself.) Dammit. (Loudly) Hello Natalie. I didn’t hear any part of your phone conversation. I’m just on my way to the drug store... for some legal drugs. Nothing illegal. But I will return soon.
NATALIE
Ok. Drive safe.
Dwight looks at her in alarm. She just smiles at him.
NATALIE TH:
Jim told me that Dwight and Kevin are spying on me because they think I have connections with the mafia. So I’m just having a little fun with them. Luckily, I have watched The Godfather, parts one and two. I'm also a loyal fan of The Sopranos. And I play Grand Theft Auto all the time with my brothers. (The camera pans out the conference room window to show Dwight checking underneath his car for potential bombs.) I figured I’d just throw in a few characters and places from there into my regular phone conversations. You might overhear me talking to some people like Sonny or Vito or Nico... Oh, and there's little Johnny with the gimpy leg... Larry, Curly, Moe. (We see Kevin lurking in front of the window outside the conference room.) I think working here will actually be kind of fun.
INT- Kitchen.
Jim is standing by the counter when Michael walks out from the restroom. Jim immediately smells an awful odor.
JIM
Oh. God. Michael.
MICHAEL
Oh, God, it smells awful, I know, the toilet just… it exploded! Did you see it? And now there is nasty brown… doo-doo everywhere! It’s just... nasty-ness. Someone went butt freak nasty in the men’s room! Trust me, you want to stay away from there.
JIM
What were you doing in there?
MICHAEL
I was just checking on something for the toilet repair man.
JIM
You mean a plumber?
MICHAEL
He needed the model number off the toilet. Our toilet has exploded, and it’s all Oscar’s fault, and now I smell like [blee]ing [bleep]! Man, those burritos, I’m telling ya, those things are real toilet busters.
OSCAR (he’s been sitting at the table in the break room)
What? No, Michael, that wasn’t me. That smell was in there long before I got in there.
MICHAEL
Yeah, well, whoever smelt it dealt it… so.
OSCAR
Well, maybe you ate a breakfast burrito, but I didn't.
MICHAEL
Well I didn't. I know better than to eat your gross, greasy Mexican food full of beans and fart juice for breakfast, anyway.
JIM
They have medicine to help with that, you know.
MICHAEL
Yeah, Oscar, God. Nobody wants to smell your feces.
Michael walks out, walking funny, as Creed walks in, sniffing around.
CREED
Ooh. Is somebody baking cheddar biscuits?
INT- Conference room.
Natalie and Phyllis are sitting at the table, discussing party plans.
ANGELA
What? Excuse me, but the party beneficiary should not be allowed to plan her own party.
PHYLLIS
Well, as head of the party planning committee, I’ve allowed it. Besides, we could use the extra hands now with Pam gone.
ANGELA
I won’t allow it. Besides, we don’t have any room on the planning committee for whores.
PHYLLIS (somewhat under her breath, but not really)
You’re still here.
Angela narrows her eyes at Phyllis, fuming.
NATALIE TH:
Angela is… kind of scary. I’m afraid to talk to her, actually. I’m worried that if I talked to her about things I like to do in my free time, she’ll tell God on me.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Once again, don't own the show or the characters.
Chapter End Notes:
Also, don't own any of the brand names mentioned either. That chalky pink crap is some good stuff! Works miracles.
Conference room scene coming up next!
Conference room scene coming up next!
