INT – Reception.
Jim is leaning over the counter talking to Natalie, who is in Pam’s regular spot.
NATALIE
Ooh! An e-mail from Michael, the toilet buster.
JIM
Nice.
NATALIE (reading email)
Hey Pal, what’s the Diny-o, O.M.G. 411 to share with everyone. FYI. Assemble the troops in the conference room in five. TTYL. XOXO, M?
Jim just shoots the camera one of his trademark looks.
INT - Michael’s Office.
Michael’s sitting at his computer, with two empty bottles of Pepto Bismol and an opened container of chili from Wendy's. His computer dings, singling a new email.
MICHAEL (reading from his computer)
“F.Y.E.O… X.D. R.O.F.L.” Rawffle? “T.H.X for the 411 M8. MICHAEL F.T.W. K.I.T. Prolly see you in the conference room. T.W.S.S.” (A look of fear etches across his face.) Oh my God.
INT- Michael’s Office.
Dwight is reading from Michael’s computer.
DWIGHT
Oh my God.
MICHAEL
I know, that’s what I said. I think she’s trying to talk to me in code.
DWIGHT
Or gang signs. What do we do?
MICHAEL
Don’t worry. I can handle this. (He grabs a purple bandana from his desk drawer.) We just need to put a little fear into their heads. Into all of their heads! (He wraps the bandana around his head.) For there’s nothing to fear… but fear in yourselves.
DWIGHT
Fear itself.
MICHAEL
Just, shut it, just… follow me.
Dwight follows him into the kitchen.
DWIGHT
But this is the bathroom-
MICHAEL
I'll only be a second... (He pauses in the doorway.) Wait... ok, the rumbling went away. Follow me. Time to get these bitches knockin’.
INT- Conference room.
Everyone has gathered and is sitting in chairs, facing the front. Michael walks in, wearing the bandana, followed by Dwight. Andy pumps his fist in the air in excitement.
ANDY
Yes!
ANGELA (disapproving)
No.
MICHAEL (talking in a horrible Italian accent)
Hey, hey, hey, how ya’ doin’?
JIM
Oh. Hey, it’s Prison Mike.
MICHAEL (in a normal voice)
No, not Prison Mike. I’m… (back to horrible Italian accent) I’m Prison Mike’s brother, Fat Tony.
DWIGHT
And I am Fat Tony’s associate, Dwight-
MICHAEL (whispers to Dwight.)
No, no you’re not Dwight. Just sit down. (Dwight takes a seat. Michael returns to the horrible accent.) Now… unlike my brother Prison Mike, who’s still busy making somebody his bitch over in the clink-
KELLY
Has he seen Ryan?
MICHAEL
I’m still running loose on the streets of New York. Where I rob people. And steal things. Me and my family of gang bangers.
JIM
Nope, that's not it.
OSCAR
This is ridiculous. Michael, when are we going to talk about the bathroom situation?
MICHAEL
What bathroom situation?
OSCAR
I’m talking about you going in there and smelling it up. It smells really bad. Are you sick Michael?
MICHAEL
What? Oscar, come on, I don’t speak Spanish. Soy habla ingles, please.
OSCAR
You smelled up the bathroom really bad, and then you blamed it on me, and you said-
MICHAEL
Yeah, I said something bad. Look, the bathroom situation is under control, ok, obviously somebody poisoned my coffee, and then they planted a stink bomb in the men’s bathroom and now… all of our lives are at the stake.
OSCAR
What?
MICHAEL (returns to accent)
Everyone poops, alright? N.B.D.
NATALIE
Aw, Everyone Poops, I loved that book when I was a kid.
JIM
I know, it’s a real nail biter. I’m still trying to get through it, it gets really thick towards the end.
MICHAEL
That’s what she said! Or- (He returns to his accent.) Ok, joke time is up my entourage of criminal infestors. I’m Fat Tony! Nobody messes with me or my family and gets away with it!
NATALIE
What brings you here, Fat Tony?
MICHAEL
I just came down to check on my family. The Dunder family. We’re bringing the Dunder!!! Yeah! We drop Miffs on ya!
JIM
Wow. What does that even mean?
MICHAEL
Just… fuh-getta bout it! Some people may think they can just come in here and hurt my family. Well, you got another thing coming my friends, 'cause I come to bring the pain... man! Now... everybody, say hello to my little friend- Oh God. (He holds his stomach in pain, his other hand clenching a pair of furry handcuffs.)
JIM
Whoa. What. Are those?
NATALIE
Are you ok, Fat Tony?
JIM
It’s not Fat Tony, it’s Prison Mike.
MICHAEL (Still in pain.)
No, I’m Fat Tony. I’m Fat Tony! You wanna piece of me? Huh?
PHYLLIS
No, you’ve done this before, Michael.
MICHAEL
Just shut your piehole, Phyllis, all of you. Shut your pieholes. Before I crush in all of your heads! I just want to send a warning to anyone out there, who thinks they can hurt my family… you- (He holds his stomach again, grimacing and squeaks out quickly.) I’ll be right back! (He runs towards the kitchen, obviously needing the restroom again.)
DWIGHT
Just stay calm, ladies and gentlemen, stay in your seats. No one leaves this room until Michael comes back!
JIM
You mean Prison Mike?
STANLEY (heads toward the door)
This is ridiculous, I have serious work to do.
DWIGHT (stops him from leaving)
No, Stanley, you don’t understand. Our lives are in danger. All of our lives are in danger. Except for one of us.
STANLEY
What are you talking about?
NATALIE (stands up)
I think I know what he’s talking about.
Everyone looks up at her, puzzled.
NATALIE
I guess you guys have figured out my deepest darkest secret.
KEVIN
I knew it!!!
DWIGHT
Just stay calm everybody!
NATALIE
I didn’t plan on telling everybody this, but… it’s true. I am a former mafia elite.
Everyone gasps.
JIM
Wow. Will you tell us stories of your delinquent past?
NATALIE (sighs)
It all started when I was a kid, living in Vice City.
DWIGHT
Where’s that?
NATALIE
In Florida. It’s kind of like… Miami?
DWIGHT
Never been to Florida, never will. Humidity causes me to perspire in the pelvic and perineum areas.
NATALIE
Hmm. Gross. Anyway, when I was a child, I was part of a school-yard gang. We called ourselves the Hot Tamales. My gang name was Scary Spice. Our ring leader, Vincent Mozzarella, who I was dating at the time, left for San Andreas… the state, not the fault in California… (Dwight looks confused) and I was very sad. My family and I then moved to Liberty City, where I found myself caught up in a world of drugs and violence. My family, the Genoa Salami’s, we made a marriage with our neighbors, the Corleone family. And we became one of the largest mob families in the city. (Angela is looking up at Natalie, horrified, waiting for her to continue.)
JIM
Corleone. Like The Godfather?
NATALIE
Yes. I did meet The Godfather, actually.
KEVIN
Oh my God. What is he like in real life?
NATALIE
Um… he was very nice actually. Wears dark, tailored suits with his hair slicked back. Some weekends, we played racquetball together.
KEVIN
You played racquetball with The Godfather? Sweet!
NATALIE
Yeah it was fun. Anyway, when I was living in Liberty City, I heard that my ex-boyfriend Vincent, was killed in a high speed car chase when the taxi cab he had stolen was hit head-on by a city bus. Hearing about his death made me realize that I no longer wanted a part of the hard knock mafia life. (Kevin is just nodding.) So I left. I joined the witness protection program, and they found me a job here. So… that’s my story. In a nutshell.
DWIGHT
So Natalie Paladino is just an alias.
NATALIE
Yes. My real name is Peppercorn Genoa Salami. They called me Pepp C for short.
KEVIN
That was AWESOME. (He starts clapping, but nobody follows suit.)
NATALIE
Thank you.
STANLEY
Can I please go back to work now?
DWIGHT
Yes. Now that we all can rest assured that Natalie is of no harm to us, we can all report back to our desks.
JIM
What about Prison Mike?
DWIGHT
Prison Mike is incapacitated at the moment. We’ll reconvene when he’s ready. Back to work everybody!
KEVIN (As he walks by Natalie.)
Do you think you could get me in to play racquetball with the Godfather?
NATALIE
Um, I don’t know. Maybe.
KEVIN TH:
I'm playing racquetball with The Godfather. Yesss. (Thinks for a moment.) I wonder if I'll need a bodyguard. Huh... I need to buy a racquet. I broke my old one when I was... (He giggles.) I do need to buy a new one, though.
INT – Kitchen.
Dwight and Phyllis are standing outside the restroom. Dwight knocks on the bathroom door, and we immediately hear Michael groan in pain.
DWIGHT
Michael? Are you ok? Did you fall in?
MICHAEL
The bathroom’s out of order. Shut down the women’s restroom and use theirs.
PHYLLIS
But where would the women go?
MICHAEL
You can pop a squat outside.
DWIGHT
Michael, Natalie came clean. She is no longer a threat to us.
MICHAEL
Is she a mafia princess?
DWIGHT
Not anymore.
PHYLLIS
Michael, we’re ready to start the party, we just need you to give us the all clear.
MICHAEL
Fine, go ahead.
Phyllis walks out of the kitchen.
DWIGHT
Michael? You should drink blackberry or ginger tea. It’s a good home remedy for extreme diarrhea.
MICHAEL
Don’t, don’t say that word! That’s disgusting!
DWIGHT
What? Diarrhea?
MICHAEL
Just go away!
Creed exits the women's restroom, hiking up his pants.
CREED
Oh. Hello, Dwayne.
Dwight eyes him suspiciously before attempting to enter the women's room. He immediately backs away, smelling a foul odor.
DWIGHT
Oh! Oh God. (He walks back over to the men's restroom and knocks again.) Michael? … Michael, I have to go number one. Michael?
INT- A fully decorated office.
A paper print out of the Italian flag is taped on the receptionist desk where Jim and Natalie are hanging out. Kevin is wearing the sombrero and moustache from Oscar’s party. Pizza and pasta are layed out on a table by the conference room. The Sopranos is playing on a TV monitor, but someone has taped a piece of paper over it that reads, "Jesus Christ is our Savior." Angela is looking bitter.
ANDY (to Phyllis)
Yes! Another great party Phyllis.
ANGELA
Andy!
ANDY
What? It's a great party. (sings) When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's amore!!
ANGELA
You're stupid. That song is stupid. This whole party is stupid. And my hands smell like garlic.
ANDY
Well, I think the party is actually pretty nice.
ANGELA
Well maybe you should marry Phyllis then!
PHYLLIS
Oh no, I'm already married to Bob Vance. Bob brought the gelato.
ANDY
And what tasty gelato it is. And this party is... Gelato-fun!
Angela storms off.
INT - Reception
NATALIE
So is this some form of new employee hazing, or is this just a normal everyday thing around here?
JIM
No, unfortunately that’s just Dwight and Michael. And Kevin… and you’ll learn about Andy soon enough.
NATALIE
Oh yeah, I ran into Andy when I was eating lunch. The one with the bright colorful pants who looks like he just got home from vacationing in Nantucket? He started calling me Julia Caesar because I was eating a Caesar salad.
JIM
Oh, yeah. That’s Andy all right. But, if I must say, you handled your first day very well.
NATALIE (laughs)
Yeah, well, I grew up with five brothers where I was usually always the victim of a practical joke gone awry, so I can usually hold my own.
JIM
Five brothers? (Natalie nods.) Wow, must’ve been rough. I might have to recruit you.
NATALIE
Recruit me for what?
JIM
As my new sidekick. What do you say tomorrow, we play a practical joke of our own on Dwight?
NATALIE
The four-eyed, moon face kiss ass who’ll say anything to agree with you? (Jim stares at her wide-eyed.) Hey, I didn’t make it up, it’s on Michael’s cheat sheet. (Jim chuckles as the phone rings.)
Dunder Mifflin, this is Natalie… Yes, just a second… (She hands the phone to Jim.) For you.
JIM
Jim Halpert… (He instantly beams ear-to-ear) Heyyyy. How’s school going? … Yeah?
NATALIE TH:
Jim’s a nice guy. He’s cute… Funny. But it could never work out. I mean, he’s like a giant mutant, he’s like two feet taller than I am. I’d have to wear stilts just to see eye-to-eye with him. But at least I have a friend in the office. So that’s good.
JIM (on the phone)
What did you miss today? Well let’s see, Michael has food poisoning so he’s been running to the bathroom every five minutes. He's also probably doing some very kinky, non-work appropriate activities with a former corporate manager in his office, and Dwight accused our new receptionist of being affiliated with the Italian mafia. Oh, and Prison Mike returned.(The camera pans to show Michael exiting the men’s restroom before running back in. We hear Jim laugh on the phone.) Well, I hope it wasn't with Ryan... Yeah! … I know! … Nope, things haven't changed... Yes, I really miss you too.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I added a new scene to the beginning of the previous chapter. Also, once again, don't own the show or characters.
Chapter End Notes:
NBD? No big deal.
Also, Natalie's e-mail to Michael read, "For your eyes only. (Smiley face.) Rolling on the floor laughing. Thanks for the information, mate. Michael for the win! Keep in touch. Probably see you in the conference room. That's what she said." Wasn't really supposed to make much sense.
I'll probably add a tag to this before begininning my next "episode". I know this first one was a little rough, but let me know what you think. And I promise more Jim next time!
Also, Natalie's e-mail to Michael read, "For your eyes only. (Smiley face.) Rolling on the floor laughing. Thanks for the information, mate. Michael for the win! Keep in touch. Probably see you in the conference room. That's what she said." Wasn't really supposed to make much sense.
I'll probably add a tag to this before begininning my next "episode". I know this first one was a little rough, but let me know what you think. And I promise more Jim next time!
