Sitting in his car with his eyes closed, Jim drummed the steering wheel with his thumb and smiled to himself. Just three minutes before he had been kissing Pam. Yes, Pam. And he couldn't stop replaying the moment in his head. He hadn't meant to do it. Then again, he hadn't meant to tell her how he felt either, something that took more courage than kissing her, actually.
Kissing Pam was easy. It was warm and soft and everything he had thought it would be. She felt amazing. As if she were meant to fit like that inside his arms, her mouth on his. And when she kissed him back? Well, he couldn't pull her close enough. Couldn't get near enough to her. He wanted to kiss her forever and take her all in.
Jim took in a deep breath, basking in the memory. He knew that no matter what happened next, even if she married that jackass Roy, he could honestly say he had no regrets. Well, except for his timing. But he wasn't going to think about that, wasn't going to punish himself for not speaking up sooner. He was going to enjoy the fact that just three minutes ago he had left Pam speechless, and a little woozy, and nothing, nothing, would ruin that for him.
Except, possibly, the faint tapping he now heard on his window. Ugh. He wanted to squeeze his eyes shut and wish it away, because tapping like that rarely signaled anything good. But he couldn't help himself. When he looked up, Pam was standing there, eyes rimmed with tears, shoulders heaving from labored breath. Suddenly he felt as if the blood had drained from his body.
He climbed out of the car and, without thinking, wrapped Pam in his arms, but she pulled away.
"I found the transfer request… in your desk." Pam waved crumpled papers at him.
Jim was the one speechless now. He could defend himself by asking what she was doing looking through his desk, but he wasn't stupid.
"Uh, that's what I was going to tell you... before."
"So instead, you tell me you love me? That's great Jim. Turn my life upside down and then leave." Pam threw the papers on the ground, turning on her heel to walk away, but Jim grabbed her arm and pulled her to him.
"Give me the word and I'll stay. I will. I can talk to Jan on Monday and work it out." He embraced her, cupping her head to his chest, but she was standing so rigidly, arms crossed around her, that he just let go.
"Are you that full of yourself?" Pam spat. "Do you think that's what I need..."
Jim stopped her, "Hold on a second! I don't get it! I thought you were upset that I was leaving?"
"I am! I'm upset that you're leaving, that you weren't going to tell me! I'm upset that everything was normal and okay and then you tell me you love me? And you kiss me? Why couldn't you just leave it alone?"
"I told you why, Pam."
She was crying harder now. "You're my friend Jim. My best friend..."
"Stop, Pam, please? Stop saying ‘best friend’ like we exchange diet tips and go to book club together! I am your best friend, but you know what that means... "
"I thought I did," Pam interrupted, "I thought I knew. I just wish..."
"What?"
Pam shifted her weight from one foot to the other and back. "I wish that I could forget about you."
“But you can't?"
“No." Pam looked down at Jim's hand, which had found its way into hers. "And I blame you."
Jim smiled. "That's fine,” he said softly, “I'll take it, all of it. Whatever makes you stay here with me, even for a minute."
"See that right there?" She pointed at Jim's beaming face.
"What?" Jim chuckled.
"For you, this is simple."
"What do you mean?"
“I mean exactly what I said. It’s simple for you. Either you tell me how you feel or you don’t. It’s black or white, yes or no. But for me? The repercussions are different. This isn't just about acceptance or rejection." Pam let go of Jim's hand and bit her bottom lip. He didn't like how intense her face looked and then she sighed, which he liked even less. "I want to say this the right way,” she whispered.
Jim's stomach dropped. He'd been here before. Having a girl let him down easy. This wasn't any girl.
"I'm engaged. To someone I've known almost half my life. He has spent the last ten Christmases at my parent’s house. Every summer he goes to the lake for a week and fishes with my dad. He's part of the family. He's been to every major event in my adult life. We have a routine. We have the same memories. We have the same friends… my only friends." She looked up at Jim and swallowed hard, "A decision like this? It changes my life."
Jim wanted to scream, "It changes my life too, Pam! It makes it better! You would make it so much better!", but he knew what she meant.
"I understand." Jim could not believe he said it.
"You do?" Pam smiled hesitantly, as if she knew he wasn't finished.
"Yeah, I do. Or I can imagine," Jim exhaled, knowing he was about to kill any chance of her leaving with him tonight, "but routine isn't love Pam."
Jim could see Pam grit her teeth, her small hands balled into fists at her side. "Tell you what, Halpert. When you've had a relationship that's lasted oh, say, longer than a month, give me a call and tell me what it’s like."
Jim pressed his lips together wanting to return her jab with his own, but held himself back. "Okay. I'll call you," he said, tersely.
Jim watched Pam's face go to crimson in mere seconds, "Don't you get it, Jim? I'm getting married in a month, one month! I have my dress picked out and like $1000 worth of deposits I won't get back.” Her lip quivered as she spoke, her face fell and she looked... wounded. "I'm going through with it, Jim! I am marrying Roy! And that's the end of it!"
“Going through with it?” Jim asked.
Pam rolled her eyes, "You know what I mean! I am not going to leave Roy for you!" She sucked in a breath, like she was trying to remove the words from the air, and stared into Jim's eyes.
"I see." Jim shoved his hands in his pockets and looked away.
"Oh. Jim." Pam reached out for him, but quickly changed her mind and her hands seemed lost to find a place to be.
"No, it's all right. You've made your choice."
Pam leaned forward, searching for something to say, but decided instead to let it go. Before she could turn away, Jim grabbed Pam's face in his hand and kissed her, slow and deliberate and deeper than before. He heard Pam's breath catch as she melted into him and everything she had said was momentarily forgotten. Her lips parted and Jim could taste the salt from her tears and the cosmo she'd had earlier. There was heat between them this time. Not just surprise, or pent up feelings, but actual heat. Suddenly Jim wondered where the zipper on her dress was.
"You're my best friend," she said between kisses.
“Mm-hmm, yeah, best friends,” Jim agreed breathlessly, before kissing her again.
Pam returned the kiss, wrapping her fingers in his hair and holding him close for a moment. When she stepped back a little, Jim kept her close, touching his forehead to hers, "Okay, so then, I need a favor," she said, her voice starting to shake.
Jim nodded, eyes closed, savoring the moment, "What's that?" he asked through a smile.
"Go to Stamford."
Jim's mouth fell open. He backed away and stared at Pam, who had begun to cry again. "What?"
"I need you to transfer."
"You need me to transfer? Why?" Jim's voice was tense and he was having a hard time remaining calm.
"I can't do this. I can't have you around me once I'm married."
"Are you serious?" Jim felt desperate and helpless and alone. Like everything that had happened in the last 8 hours had happened only to him.
Pam didn't respond.
"You're really doing this?" Jim moved closer to her, but she remained silent.
"Answer me!" Jim couldn't contain himself, he felt like he was drowning.
"Yes," Pam whispered.
Jim grabbed her by the arms and forced her to face him, “I don't believe you."
He was still clutching her, his fingertips pressing into her skin, "You know you can't marry him; that you don't want to marry him and it doesn't matter why. You know that if you marry Roy you will lose yourself completely. You'll settle down and have his kids, you'll quit drawing and you'll never do anything for you. You know that!"
Pam was weeping violently now and it tore Jim apart inside, but he'd said it, what they both knew was true, and he couldn't take it back.
Jim threw his hands in the air. "Fine, Pam. I'll go. I'll go to Stamford and you can marry Roy and everything will be better, right?"
Pam’s throat felt as though it were closing, she took shallow breaths, trying to speak but the words wouldn't come.
"Okay, well, I guess it's my turn to walk away." Jim hesitated for just a second, hoping Pam would say something, anything, to keep him there, but she didn't. She just looked past him, avoiding eye contact, and trying to catch her breath.
With that Jim turned, climbed into his car and drove away.
/part 1
Author's Chapter Notes:
Takes place a few minutes after the end of Casino Night (02.22)
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
