* * *
“Hey, you.”
“Pam. I was just about to call you.”
Pam walked lightly down the main stairs to the lobby of the art building, shifting the strap of her canvas bag to her left shoulder. “Jinx?” she asked as she pushed open the front doors, welcoming the sudden flood of sunlight after the dim, cool building interior.
“You know, Beesly, I really don’t think that applies here.”
“Eh,” she shrugged. “It was worth a shot. How was your day?”
She heard him grunt slightly. “It was alright I guess. Andy’s been singing ‘I Heard it Through the Grapevine’ nonstop since last Tuesday, Michael decided we needed one-on-one bonding time, and we lost one of our biggest clients after Dwight threatened them with rabid bears.”
“Has it ever occurred to you that anybody overhearing our conversations probably thinks we’re crazy?”
“Yeah, well I could do with a little less crazy right now.” He sounded truly exhausted.
“Poor baby. At least today’s over, right? Maybe call up Mark and head to the gym or something?” The heat which had felt so good when she first stepped outside was quickly becoming unbearable. Pam could feel sweat trickling down her scalp and neck and shoulder blades.
“I don’t know, I’m kind of tired.”
Pam bit her lip, wishing there was something she could do. “Grab a shower and get some sleep then? You probably need it.”
“Yeah, I think I might. I called you earlier today. Where were you?” He changed the subject quickly, and Pam was taken aback by the slight note of annoyance in his voice.
“Oh, sorry about that. I was cramming in some last minute studying right before my test. I figured it’d be better for both of us if I waited till after my test to talk to you.” She laughed a little, trying to shake off the tension.
“Could have just said hello,” he replied after a short pause, and this time Pam knew she wasn’t imagining the strain in his voice.
“Sorry, sweetie,” she said again, after a short pause. “I wasn’t really thinking. You know how spacey I get when I’m nervous.” Pam tried to keep her voice light and unruffled.
“Yeah,” he replied quietly. “So how’d it go? The test, I mean?”
“Oh! Um, good, I guess? There were a couple questions I wasn’t really sure of but I think I made up something decent.”
“That’s good,” he answered distantly, and Pam felt a little stab of frustration go through her.
“So,” she continued, with a cheerfulness she didn’t quite feel, “what did Michael bonding time entail? Another trip to Hooters?”
He laughed, sort of, though it felt as forced as her own. “Nah, he decided he wanted to have a picnic in the parking lot, actually. Packed a basket and everything.” He chuckled for real this time, and Pam let herself relax slightly.
“Weird. I’m actually kind of sad I missed that.” The faintest breeze rippled the edges of her and she willed another to follow. Her socks felt damp and sticky, molding to her feet uncomfortably. She wished she were wearing sandals instead.
“Yeah, it was a riot. The warehouse guys came over for awhile, too.” She heard him take a deep breath. “Roy was with them.”
“Oh, really?” Pam fought to mimic his casual tone, though it was clear he was anything but. “What was he doing there?”
“Just came by to see Darryl and the rest, I guess.”
“That’s…cool,” she finished lamely.
“Yeah, he asked about you. Asked how classes were going and stuff.”
“Oh. Well it was nice of him to ask,” she replied, grazing her fingers around a streetlamp as she waited for the ‘WALK’ sign to light up. The metal was hot and rough with peeling paint.
“He seemed pretty up to date. You guys still talk or whatever?”
Sparks of irritation set off in her temples, and Pam wasn’t sure how much of it was due to the question itself, and how much was the result of the air of indifference that didn’t fool her in the least.
“Jim, come on,” she protested, this time not bothering to hide her exasperation.
“What?” He sounded defensive. “I mean, it’s cool, it’s not really any of my business, right? You guys have like a decade of history together so, whatever. I get it.”
Pam briefly contemplated having a good, loud scream in the middle of New York City. She felt her face flush uncomfortably, and the heat ratcheted up to stifling. “You know, I really, really, hate it when you do that.” It was all she could do to keep from grinding her teeth.
“What are you talking about?”
“When you say things like that! When you get all snarky and condescending!”
“I’m trying to be supportive!”
“Oh, really, Jim?” she hissed back. “Can you honestly tell me that you were being sincere?”
“Well what do you want me to say?” he exploded, and Pam felt the smallest satisfaction at finally getting him to crack.
“Just be honest!”
“Fine! I hate that he’s still in your life, and I hate that it still bothers me.”
Pam shut her eyes tightly, wishing she were back in her apartment so that she could at least avoid the glances she was getting from passerby when she raised her voice. “He isn’t in my life anymore, Jim. What, do you think I meet up him with behind your back? That we talk and I don’t tell you?”
“Do you?”
“How can you possibly ask that?” Rage and disappointment mingled in her chest, making it tight and hard to breathe. Her eyes burned with either sweat or tears, she couldn’t tell which, but she blinked furiously, refusing to cry when what she really wanted was to be angry.
“I know! I’m sorry! God, I’m so sorry, you know I didn’t mean it.” His words were rushed, stricken. He was talking too fast but she caught the remorse that shot through his voice. “I am such a – Jesus, I don’t even know. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Pam.”
She had reached the front door of her building, and she nearly tripped going up the stairs to the apartment. She felt as though she couldn’t get inside fast enough, and she fumbled with the keys before finally pushing through and sinking down with her back against the front door.
“Jim,” she started tiredly, cutting through his repeated apologies. “Jim, Roy’s sister Jenny is still a good friend of mine. We have lunch and we talk. You know that.”
She heard him exhale loudly. “Shit. I…that never crossed my mind. I’m feeling like a complete jackass right now.”
“Good,” she remarked dryly. “But Jim? Are we still not past all this? Because I can’t keep apologizing for having been with him.”
“No, I know –”
“And I thought,” she paused, struggling for the right words, “I felt like we were really in a good place, that we were really, truly together and committed and solid and if you still think that I wouldn’t tell you something like that then…” She trailed off, and the weight of her bare finger seemed heavier than before.
“Shit, Pam, you’ve got to hear me out. I swear to you that as soon as I said it I wanted to shoot myself, because I was being completely and totally irrational. So please, please, don’t question us,” he pleaded.
Pam rubbed a hand roughly across her eyes. “Then why did you get so upset?”
“Because I’m an idiot. And because, I don’t know, I was already in such a bad mood, and I really needed to talk to you, and then he just showed up and kept talking about you like he knew all about it and I think I just let myself be mad about that because it was easier.”
“So what’s really bothering you?”
“Huh?”
“Jim,” she said patiently, “I’m here now. What upset you so badly in the first place?”
“Just everything, I guess. Andy and Michael and losing that goddamned sale. It was one of our regulars, too. I wanted to kill Dwight.”
“Well, that makes sense. It sucks that you lost the sale. Of course you’d be upset.”
“No, Pam, you don’t understand. We lost a sale. Something bad happened to the company and I got upset. I cared.”
She pressed her toes against the cold tile, scraping her heel against the grout. “Is that…bad?” she asked, carefully.
“Yes! I’m not supposed to care about a stupid paper company I joined out of college. Do you know that when I think about my future I think about how far I can go in Dunder-Mifflin? That it’s a big deal to me to make a good impression on David Wallace?”
“Are you unhappy?” she asked softly, cradling the phone with both hands.
“That’s the worst part,” he answered, somewhat defeated. “For the first time I’m taking this seriously and it feels like it could be a career and that I could be happy doing this. And that scares me.”
She reached down, pulled off her sneakers, and peeled away her sweaty, grimy socks. She wriggled her toes in the patch of sunlight that cut across her feet sharply. “Keep going,” she said finally.
“I’m so proud of you, you know that? I think it’s fantastic that you’re taking classes and actually following through with what you want to do, but it’s making me think really hard about the choices I’m making. All this time, in the back of my head, selling paper was temporary. And now I’m losing all the different, stupid things I thought I could be and this all feels so final.”
“Jim, I’m going to ask you again,” Pam said gently, “Are you unhappy?”
“No. No, I’m not.”
“Then that’s all that matters. I had to get out, Jim. There was nothing for me there, we both know that. But you’ve got opportunities. You’re good at what you do, you’re so good with people. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to do your job well.”
“Yeah, but – ”
“Jim, the only thing that matters is that you’re happy. I’ll support you, I’ll do whatever you need me to do. If you want something badly enough then we’ll work towards it together, I promise.”
“I think I have to figure out what exactly I want.”
“That’s fine. We’ve got the time. And I love you.”
“That’s the important thing, isn’t it?”
“I would hope so, mister.”
He laughed, and hearing it finally broke the tension that had gripped her whole body. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “I didn’t mean to take all that out on you. I think I panic when you’re not there.”
“It’s ok,” she said, smiling. She pulled herself to her feet, stretching an arm above her head. “I’m sorry, too. I promise I’ll pick up the phone next time.”
“Be honest. Am I turning into Kelly?”
“How do you feel about Angelina’s pregnancy?”
“Who?”
“Good answer. Just let me know if you suddenly have the urge to make out with Ryan.”
“Oh you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Jim scoffed, and Pam couldn’t resist teasing him further.
“It’d be kind of hot,” she replied, grinning widely.
“No way, Beesly. The only person I’m making out with is you. Says so right here in my contract.”
“I don’t remember signing anything.”
“That’s because I got you drunk first.”
“Real classy, Halpert,” she said wryly. “What else am I agreeing to?”
“The usual,” he replied, nonchalant. “Being my partner in crime. Loving me. Preferably forever.”
“I think I can handle that,” she answered playfully, stretching and settling comfortably against the sofa cushions.
“Good,” he said. “Because you’re mine. And I’m not letting you go.”
He was a thousand miles away and she still felt as though he was holding her tight, wrapping her in his big arms and keeping her safe.
* * *
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hello again! Thanks again to anyone reading my little attempts at fanfiction, and an even bigger thanks to those leaving reviews. It really does leave me warm and fuzzy :D. Chapter title is from "Hey Love" (Jason Mraz).
Chapter End Notes:
I'll be honest, I'm not entirely sure this was one of my better chapters, but if you've made it to the end then at least I was able to entertain you for awhile :).
