INT – Reception
Natalie is typing at her computer when the phone rings. She reaches over to answer it.
NATALIE
Dunder Mifflin, this is Natalie. Um, Michael is currently out of the office at an important international business meeting with important international business men, may I take a message?
PHYLLIS Talking Head:
I’m always happy when Michael leaves the office. We tend to get more work done when he’s gone.
NATALIE Talking Head:
Michael told me to tell anyone that called looking for him that he was in an important international meeting with international business men. I told him that didn’t sound very believable, because Dunder Mifflin doesn’t usually conduct business overseas, but Michael insisted that it sounded more “realistic” and “urgent” if he was in an international meeting.
EXT – Miniature golf course.
Michael, Andy, Kevin and Jim are headed to the first hole. Andy is carrying a set of golf clubs.
ANDY
Don’t they have golf carts around here?
JIM
Have you never played putt-putt before?
ANDY
Please. Putt-putt is for amateurs. I only play with the pros.
Michael swings at the golf ball, but merely taps it, moving it about two inches.
MICHAEL
Getting closer.
KEVIN (to Jim)
Fifty bucks Michael goes over 100 strokes.
JIM
There’s 18 holes.
KEVIN
I know.
JIM
Ok. You’re on.
Michael taps the golf ball again. It moves another three inches.
Dwight runs up to catch up with the guys.
DWIGHT
Hey Michael, after golf, we should play laser tag.
MICHAEL
What? No? What the hell is that? It sounds dangerous.
DWIGHT
Its only the best game ever! You can be on my team. We call ourselves the Silent Assassins.
MICHAEL
Yeah. No, we’re not doing that.
DWIGHT
But my team always wins.
MICHAEL
I didn’t come out here to get my head chopped off with lasers, Dwight. I came here to play a real man sport. Golf. Now, get out of my way. I’m trying to concentrate. I have to get this ball to go through the windmill.
The camera zooms out to show a twirling windmill in the middle of the course. A boy, about 7 or 8 years old, walks up behind Andy, waiting his turn.
ANDY
Sweet! They gave us a caddy! Here you go, kind sir.
Andy hands him his bag of golf clubs. The child just looks at him like he’s crazy.
INT – Reception
Natalie is hard at work on something. The computer zooms in, trying to see what she’s doing. Natalie looks up.
NATALIE Talking Head:
I got bored, so I stole a couple of business cards from Jim and Dwight. I started whiting out the names on them and writing in new ones. There’s… Jim Halpert. Ass. Regional Manager. Um… Jim Halpert, Park Ranger…. For Dwight... Wide Shoot… Dwight Schruterey… Schrutes ‘R Us… Dwight Shrooms… Oh, I grabbed one of Andy’s too… Andy Fartard… (She sighs.) I’m really bored.
INT – Reception
Natalie is still drawing on business cards when Oscar approaches her desk.
OSCAR
Hey, Natalie, do you know where those purchase order forms are that Michael was supposed to sign?
NATALIE
No, he never turned them in. They might be in his office, I’ll go look.
INT – Michael’s office.
Natalie walks in and steps around his desk, searching for the paperwork. She sits in his chair and starts opening his desk drawers. She stops for a moment and reclines in the chair.
NATALIE
This is a nice chair.
She raises herself in the chair and smiles. She then glances at the computer and makes a face. She points at the screen.
NATALIE
Michael’s Myspace. He sent me a friend request a couple of days ago. He asked me this morning why I hadn’t approved it yet. I told him I hadn’t been online in a couple of days, and he said he knew I was lying because it showed that I last logged in yesterday. I’m pretty sure that qualifies as online stalking.
She gets on his computer and starts browsing his page.
NATALIE
He has two friends. Todd Packer and… Dane Cook. (She giggles.) Ok.
She gets off the computer and looks in his paper tray.
NATALIE
Oh. Here it is.
She picks up a piece of paper and walks back out to the office. Oscar is now standing behind her desk, looking at her business cards.
NATALIE
Here’s the order form.
OSCAR
Thanks.... Dwayne Schrute.
NATALIE
What?
OSCAR
For your business card collection. One day, Jim paid everyone in the office to call Dwight Dwayne the whole day. He went ballistic.
Natalie laughs.
NATALIE
That’s pretty funny.
OSCAR
I can’t say Dwight doesn’t deserve it. When everyone in the office found out I was gay, he made everyone take a urine test to compare with mine because he thought I might be contagious.
NATALIE
Oh my God.
PHYLLIS (chimes in from her desk)
One time, Dwight threw away my lunch and said I probably didn’t need to eat any more for the rest of the week. He said there was a food shortage, and that I need to give everyone else a chance.
NATALIE
Are you serious? That’s horrible! You know, at the last office I worked at, there was this guy that nobody in the office could stand and we did this thing… We could totally get back at Dwight.
OSCAR
What is it?
EXT – Putt-putt course.
Michael is swinging again. The camera shows they’ve only made it to the fourth hole. Jim is standing off to the side, shuffling his feet.
KEVIN
What’s Michael’s score so far?
JIM
42.
Kevin smiles and pumps his fist, mouthing, “Yes!” Andy and Dwight are already at the next hole. Andy’s golf ball is inches away from the hole.
ANDY
Dwight. Hand me that wedge, would you?
DWIGHT
Can't. You're my competition, thus in this game, you are the enemy. In the police force, we would call that aiding and abetting.
ANDY
Well, I aid and a-bet that you are going to lose.
DWIGHT
I never lose. I physically dominate every game and every sport that I have ever participated in.
ANDY
If we were playing frisbee golf, you would be laying flat on the ground, dead, because I would physically dominate and kill you.
DWIGHT
Frisbee golf is not a real sport.
ANDY
Is too, I should know. I invented it. At Cornell, where I went to college.
DWIGHT
In order for a game to be considered a real sport, it has to have balls. FootBALL, basketBALL, baseBALL... golf... is played with golfBALLS.
ANDY
What about hockey?
DWIGHT
Not a real sport. Only Canada considers it a sport, and that's why Canadians are stupid.
EXT – Parking lot of the office.
Phyllis, Oscar, Creed, Meredith, Kelly and Natalie are sticking a gazillion post-it notes all over Dwight’s car. Angela comes storming outside.
ANGELA
What are you doing?
PHYLLIS
Putting post-its on Dwight’s car.
ANGELA
This is immature and completely irresponsible. When Michael comes back, I will tell on every single one of you.
NATALIE
Come on, Angela. There has to be something that Dwight has done to upset you. We’re just getting back at Dwight for the hurtful, mean things he has done or said to all of us. It’s actually a good stress reliever. Seriously, it will make you feel so much better.
Angela just stares at Natalie for a moment.
ANGELA
Dwight killed my cat.
NATALIE
We still need someone to do the hubcaps.
Natalie hands Angela a pack of post-its. Angela bends down and sticks a post-it forcefully on his hubcap.
ANGELA
Wow. That actually feels kind of nice.
Natalie smiles.
ANGELA Talking Head:
I don't usually approve of childlike activities in the office... But it is nice to get some outdoor time once in awhile. Sometimes, when it's nice out, I like to walk my cats around the neighborhood. I took Sprinkles to a dog park once, and this tiny little vicious Chihuahua tried to attack Sprinkles... (Angela starts crying.) She was so brave.
OSCAR
Hey, since Michael’s not here, we should all go out for lunch.
PHYLLIS
We should make it be a two-hour lunch.
Everyone agrees.
NATALIE
Josh took me to this amazing Indian restaurant the other night… Its kind of far, though... Hey, I could order take out and have Josh pick it up for us. He’s working from home today.
Everyone nods and agrees.
OSCAR
Yeah, that sounds good.
EXT - Golf course
There’s an old guy in a motorized handicapped cart waiting at the hole as Michael continues to swing. There’s a loud, high-pitched sound coming from the cart, like a horn. Michael taps the ball and it just barely misses the hole.
MICHAEL
Ugh, dammit!
Michael swings again, and misses. He looks over at the old man. The loud noise is still coming from his cart.
MICHAEL
I’m going as fast as I can. No need to rush me.
Michael goes to swing again, but is getting annoyed by the loud noise.
MICHAEL
Ok, you know what? I might be awhile, so why don’t you just go to the next hole, alright?
The old man ignores him and continues to make the loud noise.
MICHAEL
Ok, old fogy. What are you, 115 years old? How do you even play golf? How are you even alive?
The old man just looks at him. Jim approaches him.
JIM
Um… I think you’re laying on your horn.
The boy from earlier walks up to him and taps the old man's shoulder.
BOY (yells into his ear)
You’re laying on the horn, grandpa!!
OLD MAN
Oh. Sorry.
JIM (to the boy)
Thank you.
BOY
Are you Big Foot?
Andy walks over to Jim.
ANDY
Put me down for two on hole 5. I believe that puts me in the lead again.
JIM
Seven on hole 5? Alright.
ANDY
No, two!
JIM
I know, seven. I wrote it down.
ANDY
No, the number two, Jim! Numero dos. Two. One-two.
JIM
Oh, twelve. Sorry.
Andy glares at Jim in anger.
ANDY
That beard makes you look like an Amish person.
JIM
Well, that’s the look I was going for.
Andy looks at him angrily before storming off, throwing a golf club in the air. It lands in a small pond.
ANDY
Agh! Dammit!!
ANDY Talking Head:
In anger management, one of the things they taught us in controlling violent outbursts of extreme angerness, is meditating. I’ve found that that technique doesn’t work for me. Instead, like an awesome technician who invents things, I invented my own technique. When someone insults me and makes me feel less of myself, I will insult them right back. Kind of like War of the Worlds… with words. War of the Words.
EXT – Golf course
Jim and Michael are waiting their turn as Kevin swings.
MICHAEL
So… You and Pam. Getting married.
JIM
Yup.
MICHAEL
Who would’ve thunk it, huh?
JIM
Yeah.
MICHAEL
Wow. Well, I’m proud of you Jim. You never gave up.
JIM
Thanks Michael.
MICHAEL
Hey, you know the part of the wedding when the man throws the brides underwear?
JIM
Uh, nope.
MICHAEL
Try to throw Pam’s undies at me. I call next to get married.
JIM
Alright.
MICHAEL
Cool. You know Jim, I’m glad you didn’t take that job in New York. Really, that was probably the best decision you ever made.
JIM
Why’s that, Michael?
Kevin finishes his round and Jim steps up to swing.
MICHAEL
Because, Scranton is so much cooler than New York. New York is just so… loud. It’s like… like when you walk into Abercrombie? You know with that loud music? If the world were a mall, New York would be Abercrombie. It tries to be cool, you know, with its loud music and hot girls and… darkness… But it can never be as cool as Scranton.
JIM
Yeah. No, you’re right.
MICHAEL
Hey, maybe one day we can retire together. Maybe share a two-bedroom condo in Florida. Just you, me, and Pam.
JIM
What about Jan? And your baby?
MICHAEL
Yeah, them, too, I guess. The baby definitely. Maybe Jan, if there’s room.
JIM
Well, it sounds like a great idea, Michael, but honestly, I probably won’t be around here much longer.
MICHAEL
What do you mean?
JIM
Well, I didn’t take the job in New York because… I don’t think I want to sell paper for the rest of my life, Michael. I mean, there has to be something better out there for me, you know?
MICHAEL
What, is Dunder Mifflin not good enough for you, Jim? I thought we were friends.
JIM
No, Michael, its not that. I just… there’s just other things I want to do in my life that I’m not able to do here. I have to move on.
Jim heads down the course to finish his round.
MICHAEL Talking Head:
Move on? What is he talking about? Jim and I are best friends, you don’t just move on from people. I was going to rent a mechanical bull for their wedding reception, as a surprise, but right now, I… I wouldn’t even buy Jim a fake bull.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you so much for all of your kind of reviews. I love reading them more than anything. :)
Chapter End Notes:
So... What do you think so far? :)
