INT – Office.
The camera is focused on Jim and Dwight at their desks.
JIM
Also, Michael asks his Assistant Regional Managers to bring him a frappuccino every Tuesday and Wednesday. Unless it’s under 63 degrees outside. In that case, he'll want you to bring him a McSkillet burrito from the McDonalds in Dickson City.
DWIGHT
There’s a McDonalds less than a mile away on Washington. Why would Michael ask you to go to a McDonalds that’s five miles away in Dickson City?
JIM
Because the one in Dickson City makes better burritos.
DWIGHT
You're lying.
JIM
No.
DWIGHT
I have one trained eye on Michael at all times in this office. And I have never seen you give him anything, other than wiseass comments.
JIM
That’s because I deliver it to his house, before he leaves for work.
DWIGHT
Well. That’s… awfully nice of you.
JIM
Thank you, Dwight.
Dwight gets up and walks into the kitchen. Natalie walks by Jim’s desk.
NATALIE
You are so going to hell, I hope you know that.
Jim just smiles. As Natalie continues walking into the kitchen behind Dwight, we see Andy passed out with his head on the keyboard. The letter “J” is blinking repeatedly on his screen.
INT – Kitchen.
Kelly is talking to Oscar as Dwight walks past them into the restroom. Natalie starts rummaging through the refridgerator.
KELLY
And last night, on The Real World, Joey decided to leave the house because he has a drug problem or whatever, and then he told everybody that he tried to kill himself. It was so sad. And then the one girl, Brianna, she sang this totally awesome song with this hot guy from the band that sings that one song, “Wherever You Will Go”. I love that song. It was pretty amazing. Anyway, I should get back to work.
OSCAR
Ok.
Kelly exits the kitchen and walks back to her desk.
NATALIE
Real World fan?
OSCAR
Thirty minutes ago, I asked her if she could hand me this mug. I don’t remember anything she said after that.
Natalie laughs as Michael walks in.
MICHAEL
Natalie. I realized you never filled out one of these career goal thingies.
NATALIE
Oh. Well, I figured I’m only going to be here, what, another month? And I’m looking for something in the journalism field… So.
MICHAEL
That’s ridiculous. Who has ever heard of a successful journalist?
NATALIE
Um... Peter Jennings. Katie Couric.
MICHAEL
That's exactly what I mean. I've never heard of any of those people, which means they weren't very successful, now were they? No, you should stay here like the rest of us. You know our last temp, Ryan? He eventually went on to become my boss. That's a great American story for everyone.
OSCAR
Yeah, that ends with him in a federal prision.
MICHAEL
Not every story has a happy ending. Hey, I have an idea. You should shadow Kelly in customer service.
Natalie shakes her head vigorously.
NATALIE
No.
MICHAEL
Yes, that’s a great idea.
NATALIE
No. Please don’t punish me, Michael. I will… hook you up with one of my friends. Like you’ve been begging me to. Or… definitely one of their moms.
MICHAEL
That offer may have been good a couple weeks ago, but I'm already dating a hot MILF of my own. Jan Levinson, future hyphen Scott. So, it’s done. You will follow Kelly.
Natalie is left speechless and sighs in frustration. She goes to walk to the annex and sees Creed, sleeping under the kitchen table. She gives a bewildered look to the camera.
NATALIE
If this office was a Real World house, I would probably be the roommate who went postal because I would be surrounded by people who should probably be in an insane asylum. If I lived with Michael, and he made me hang out with Kelly for a day, I would definitely be rubbing his toothbrush in some leftover chicken grease, and then using it to clean the toilet.
INT – Michael’s office.
”This is Why I’m Hot” by Mims is playing through the speakers on Michael’s computer. Michael is nodding his head to the beat before busting out into a silly dance in his chair.
This is why I’m hot
This is why I’m hot
This is why, this is why, this is why I’m hot.
I’m hot ‘cus I’m fly
You ain’t ‘cus you not
This is why, this is why, this is why I’m hot.
I’m hot ‘cus I’m fly
You ain’t ‘cus you not
This is why, this is why, this is why I’m hot.
Michael stops the song and smiles at the camera. The camera shows Darryl who is seated in front of Michael’s desk. He’s just staring, emotionless, at Michael.
MICHAEL (to the camera)
Yeah. I’m feelin’ it, dawg.
DARRYL
Dawg?
MICHAEL
Yeah. That's what all the black people are saying these days.
DARRYL
I don't say it.
MICHAEL
And that is why you are the whitest black person I have ever known. (He turns to the camera.) Corporate is making us follow people that we want to be like one day, and I have chosen to follow Darryl. Because, I've decided that I want to be more street, and more ethnic. More… ghetto fabulous. Because I am having a son. And when he’s born, he’s going to expect me to be young and hood smart. And more hippity with the hoppity. And who better to drop some urban knowledge than our resident Snoop Doggy Dogg and hip-hop expert, Darryl Philbin?
DARRYL
And what exactly makes me a hip-hop expert?
MICHAEL
You know, you should really consider another name. A lot of black rappers use fake names. I mean, come on. Philbin? You’re obviously not related to Regis.
DARRYL
I could be.
MICHAEL
How about… Lil’ Darryl. Or… Lil’ D.
DARRYL
I like my name, Mike.
MICHAEL
Prince D. Heavy D!
DARRYL
No.
MICHAEL
Well… think about it.
Angela knocks on the door and walks in.
ANGELA
Michael, I would like to call a meeting so that everyone can vote on the new head of the party planning committee.
MICHAEL
Why would we do that? We already have one.
ANGELA
Phyllis has proved to all of us that she is incapable of the job. And to be fair, I think we should all have a vote.
MICHAEL
Well, I don’t see why we have to have a meeting that has no point, but fine. Whatever. As long as whoever we vote for knows how to throw a kick ass bachelor baby shower party.
Angela rolls her eyes and walks out.
MICHAEL
So Darryl, any pointers for an inspiring, hip father like myself?
DARRYL
Well, for starters your attire is all wrong.
MICHAEL
Really?
DARRYL
Yeah. You have to gangsta it up a little.
MICHAEL
Yeah, I like that. Gangsta it up. Ok.
DARRYL
Yeah. You should probably lose the jacket.
Michael immediately removes his blazer.
MICHAEL
Done. What else.
DARRYL
Actually keep the jacket. Tie it around your waist. Maybe untuck your shirt, too. Oh, that baseball hat. On top of the cabinet. You’ll need that.
MICHAEL
Really?
DARRYL
Oh yeah. A baseball hat is very instrumental in pulling together the whole... gangsta ensemble.
MICHAEL
Yeah?
INT – Annex.
Natalie is standing by Kelly’s desk.
KELLY
Usually when I answer the phone, I answer it like this. “Dunder Mifflin, this is Kelly. How can I help you?” Of course, you wouldn’t say that, yours would be more like, “Dunder Mifflin, this is Natalie. How can I help you?” Like that. That way as soon as you answer the phone, they know that your name is Natalie, and that you are here to help them. That’s the most important thing.
NATALIE
Ok.
KELLY
Also, you may want to start wearing pink a little more often.
NATALIE
What does that have to do with being in customer service?
KELLY
Well, I just think that by wearing pink, it automatically makes you look brighter and more colorful. When I see people wearing all black like that, it totally makes me feel dark and depressed like I want to kill myself. But I see people wearing pink, it makes them look SO happy. And that makes me happy. And as a customer-
Angela walks into the annex.
ANGELA
There’s a meeting in the conference room.
NATALIE
Oh, thank God.
KELLY Talking Head:
Training with Natalie is going totally awesome. I love training people and giving them advice on fashion. Natalie is a total train wreck, but I can totally help her. All she needs is a credit card with at least a $5,000 limit, a subscription to InStyle, and me as a shopping partner. Then she'll totally be like me. We could be like sisters. I've always wanted a sister. I mean like a real sister. Not stupid annoying ones like my actual sisters.
INT – Conference room.
Everyone is seated in chairs facing the front. Natalie walks in and sits beside Jim.
JIM
How’s shadowing with Kelly going?
NATALIE (in her best Kelly impersonation)
Oh, it’s totally awesome. Like, totally. Like, it’s so awesome, I think I want to kill myself.
JIM (nods approvingly)
Nice..
Dwight comes in and sits in front of Jim.
JIM
Oh, great. This will be good practice for you.
Jim goes to hand Dwight a legal pad and a pen.
DWIGHT
What are you talking about? What's that for?
JIM
Well, Michael always has me write down all of his meetings word-for-word.
DWIGHT
That's ridiculous.
JIM
Fine. I guess maybe I should start training someone else as my successor. I think Creed shows huge potential.
DWIGHT
Give me the pad.
MICHAEL
Alright! Let’s get this party started up in hurr!
The camera swivels and shows Michael walking into the conference room. His shirt is untucked and his blazer is tied around his waist. He’s wearing a baseball cap backwards, and he has several gold yogurt lids hanging from his neck. The camera focuses down to show his tie tied around one of his ankles.
JIM
Wow. Were you kidnapped by a gang of thugs?
MICHAEL
What? No. This is how I usually dress outside of work. I’m Gangsta Mike. This is why I am hot.
ANGELA
You look ridiculous.
NATALIE
I know. He looks like Ghetto Eye for the Business Guy.
MICHAEL
Why must you ladies always be such a player haters. Seriously, though. On the realz.
JIM
I see Darryl has been teaching you phrases again.
MICHAEL
Fo shizzle.
ANGELA
Ok. We called this meeting because we need everyone to vote on a new head-
MICHAEL
That’s what she said!
ANGELA
-of the party planning committee. Ever since Phyllis has run it into the ground.
Michael takes a seat in the front next to Andy who has his head thrown back, his mouth wide open as he’s passed out again.
KEVIN
But I like Phyllis’ parties.
OSCAR
Yeah, the fried twinkies were delicious.
Everyone mumbles their agreement.
ANGELA
Ok, well, look at our history. Phyllis only has four parties under her belt. And they were all a disaster. Remember Michael’s birthday? She almost killed Meredith.
DWIGHT
That wasn’t the first time Meredith had a near death experience.
MEREDITH
I know. I’m starting to think everyone in this office is out to get me.
ANGELA
I, on the other hand, have planned a total of 97 parties, including the 05/05/05 party, the 06/06/06 party, even though I specifically requested that day off because it was marked by the devil, AND the 07/07/07 party.
MICHAEL
Oh yeah. Those were some classic parties, fo sho.
DWIGHT
Fo... sho... How do you spell that?
MICHAEL
What are you writing?
DWIGHT
A transcript of the meeting, like you always make Jim do.
MICHAEL
What?
JIM
Well, I think that in order for all of the citizens of this workforce to be non-discriminatory, that we should take part in a general election and vote for the next homosapien that is to be in charge of planning all of our upcoming inner-office festivities.
DWIGHT
I didn't get all that, slow down. Say it again.
JIM
Sorry, I don't remember.
DWIGHT
You just said it.
JIM
Bad short-term memory.
DWIGHT
Michael, I will just write down, "Jim said something stupid."
MICHAEL
Why are you writing anything down?
ANGELA
I will hand out a sheet of paper with both Phyllis' and my name on it. You will circle the name of the person you want as head of the party planning committee.
Jim raises his hand.
ANGELA
What?
JIM
Can we have a write-in vote?
ANGELA
No.
JIM
Well, that's very un-democratic of you.
ANGELA
No one else in this office is even qualified.
NATALIE
And that's very prejudiced of you.
ANGELA
Fine. Write-in candidates are allowed. If they are qualified.
JIM (in a tiny, girly voice)
Yayyy.
Natalie smiles at him and nods.
NATALIE
Yay for Democracy.
MICHAEL
Word to your moms. We came to drop bombs.
Natalie makes a face, trying to hold back a laugh.
NATALIE
What was that?
JIM
I think that's a song.
MICHAEL
Nope, it is an urban expression.
JIM
Yup, it's definitely a song. By white people.
NATALIE
House of Pain? I think they were Irish actually.
MICHAEL
Black Irish people? Do they even exist?
Angela starts handing out the pieces of paper. She goes to hand one to Andy who's still asleep with his mouth wide open.
ANGELA
Andy.
He doesn't respond, so she kicks him in the shin.
ANGELA
Andrew!
Andy wakes up and looks disoriented.
ANDY
Whoa. Angela. Hey. What time is it? I'm going to be late for work.
ANGELA
You're already at work.
ANDY
I gotta take a shower! Eat my Wheaties. Breakfast of champions.
Andy walks out of the conference room and heads toward the restrooms as everyone watches him in confusion. Natalie just raises her eyebrows at the camera.
KEVIN
My piece of paper only has Angela's name on it.
MEREDITH
Yeah. Mine too.
PHYLLIS
Angela. Are you trying to fix the election?
ANGELA
No.
PHYLLIS
Everyone just write down your vote on the other side then. And remember, I would always give you an option. I'm a fair person. Unlike Angela.
Angela scowls at Phyllis.
The camera moves from the office into the kitchen to spy on Andy. Andy has a plastic fork in his hand and he takes a bottle of squeezable Mayonaise, squirting it onto the fork. He takes the fork and starts brushing his teeth with it.
***
Author's Chapter Notes:
Still don't own anything.
Chapter End Notes:
Reviews would be amazing!
