She realized how much the mess of emotions was really effecting her one cool autumn night. She was sprawled across the pansy-violet sofa centered in her living room, tears streaming down her face like it was the end of the world.
Maybe it was. Maybe it was the end of her world. Her world used to be paint puddles oozing off unsteady coffee tables on Sunday afternoons. Her world used to be waking up, sheets tugged tightly around her smooth skin, to look into the eyes of the scruffy man she was engaged too, day after day, monotonously so. Her world used to be dripping with laughter and blissful smiles during tedious days at work from a guy she considered her best friend. Her world used to be something she could deal with, even on the lowest of levels, built together by false hopes and promises she was certain were true. But now it seemed like nothing was right and the life she had struggled to build came crumbling down, falling like the tears on her pink cheeks.
She tells herself to breathe as she slowly comes to her feet, releasing deteriorating tissues to the floor, feeling unsteady from the ache in her eyes. She tells herself she shouldn’t be overreacting like a silly teenager; she’s older than that and much more mature. She tells herself this will all pass and it will get better again. But deep down, somewhere in the splinters of her tender heart, she knows it won’t be.
She needs to get outside – get some fresh air in her swollen lungs. She gently twists the chrome doorknob and blinks to adjust to the sudden change to darkness. But blinking doesn’t always clear the view.
A gust of wind tickles her nose as she inhales the sweet aroma of autumn leaves and pumpkin seeds. Her arms cross tightly across her chest and she shudders from the cool air engulfing her. Her auburn hair blows gently in the crossing winds, brushing off her shoulders and fluttering in one direction.
The tear stains on her rose cheeks, the dampness of her hair, and the trembling in her hands lead her believe she’s broken. The symptoms of her emotionally bemused state throw her to the edge of a breakdown. She dangles helplessly, holding on to the smallest of lifelines; work, art, her family, and the dwindling memories of happiness. Her feet pierce the edge of this sensitively tall cliff, attempting to pull her away from letting go. And she holds on because somewhere inside of her, she knows she’s a fighter.
She didn’t know her life would fall to such low levels of repulsiveness. She was convinced when she ended her engagement with Roy aspects of her life would soon look up, especially the aspects that involved Jim. But the first time her throat tightened when she became aware that Jim couldn’t be hers, even after creating a “new-and-improved” persona, she wasn’t so sure she was looking “up”. Instead, she was looking down the barrel of an unwelcoming emotion that abruptly invaded her lifestyle, making any encounter with him an anguishing one; bittersweet love. “Fancy New Beesly” turned out to not be so fancy after all.
She was able to maintain a smile for the office even if she spent the twenty minute drive to work white knuckled and crying against the steering wheel. As secretary, it was her job to be the face that read like a lighthearted greeting card, welcoming anyone who entered Dunder Mifflin. She had everyone fooled; even those she didn’t want to be.
She had her chance and she hated how she knew it. Jim opened his heart to her and spoke words she dreaded to hear but knew she had to, despite her unwillingness to surrender to the truth. Replaying Jim’s inevitable words after the office’s casino party burned through her heart, rippling like an earthquake; rattling her fragile state. She denied his request and unintentionally broke her own subliminal request. That night her decision was focused on following the droning path of regularity she was drawn to. Her consistent relationship with Roy, job at Dunder Mifflin, and lifestyle at home cut her short from the person she yearned to be.
It was no surprise to her when Jim left. The sudden effects of it were, like when she glanced at his desk to catch a glimpse of his light brown eyes but then realized he wasn’t looking back, or when she peered up from her computer to see if he would be standing there, reaching for the jelly beans perched on her desk, trying to stop a smile from broadening across his round cheeks, but then realized he wasn’t going to be there, either. Those were the instances that hurt. But the idea that he would eventually leave wasn’t something new to her. Now, feeling the way he did that night after the casino party, she understood why he left and she kind of wished she left, too.
Her eyes drifted toward the stars hovering above her, seemingly close enough for her to reach up and snatch a few to hold in the small palms of her hands. She blinks fiercely to clear the tears in her eyes but stopped with no avail. The stars seem to mesh in the looming sky above her, becoming pieces of a shattered puzzle. They glow brighter against the reflection of a tear, glistening with hues that almost make Pam smile. They grow larger with hope as each tear flows across the crest of Pam’s russet eyes.
As the night rolled in to stay and the autumn winds caressed her neck in goodbye, she realized crying made the stars look brighter. And that in itself gave her a new reason to cry.
Story Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Chapter Notes:
She’s a niche in a story of unforgiving love and anguish.
He’s a folded page that is read relentlessly in hopes of repair.
This is their story. How it destroyed both of them yet made their story come alive.
___________________________________
This story will have alternating viewpoints with each seperate chapter. Set during Season 3 (after Jim has returned).
He’s a folded page that is read relentlessly in hopes of repair.
This is their story. How it destroyed both of them yet made their story come alive.
___________________________________
This story will have alternating viewpoints with each seperate chapter. Set during Season 3 (after Jim has returned).
Chapter End Notes:
Jim's side of the story next...
