I keep repeating the mantra to myself, it’s not as if I have to convince myself it’s true, but it keeps me from making another u-turn and heading back to New York. Back to Pam.
I trust her, I really do, but I also miss her, and it’s hard to keep my emotions in check when I feel the way I do about her. I need to see her, but talking to her is going to have to do for now.
She answers after 5 rings, and just the sound of her voice is a drug for my uneasiness.
“Hey, you’re early! I haven’t had dinner yet, but we can watch the show now, if you want.”
I drop my head down into my hands, and try to ease the tension in my forehead with my shaking fingers. There’s only one thing I need to hear right now.
“I need to hear you say it.”
Her tone turns as serious as mine, and I sense a note of hesitancy in her voice.
“Say what?”
“I need to hear you say you love me.”
She goes to laugh, but I can hear it die on her lips. She knows I’m being serious.
“You know that I love you.” It’s a whisper, and the last three words nearly take my breath away, they always do. Never in my life did I think I’d hear those words come out of her mouth, let alone be directed to me.
My voice drops, and I match her tone. “Say it again.”
“I love you.”
A smile begins to surface on my lips, and I can feel her love even though we’re miles away.
“I love you, too.”
We both breathe out at the same time, and I relax for the first time in nearly an hour.
“God, you have no idea how much I’ve needed to hear that today!”
I’ve been so busy with my own feelings, that I haven’t realized that Pam goes through these days, too. I guess the universe is conspiring against the two of us today, but it’s OK. We always get through it.
I lean back on my couch and listen to her talk about her classes, her professors, and her friends. For the first time in nearly two months, I feel as though we’ve never been apart. Just because I can’t touch her, kiss her, hold her anytime I want, doesn’t change the fact that we still have this amazing connection, even over the phone.
She goes on about her day, and by the time she’s done, I have a grin on my face, and I finally feel at peace.
I’m grateful I’m not that guy, and I’m glad we’re not that couple.
