“This wasn’t you fault,” Pam whispered, pressing her forehead to her husbands. “Please, don’t blame yourself.”
Baby Luke had come into the world with a heart defect and had been rushed to the operating room a few days after he was born. When Luke was born he was unable to cry and was almost blue in color.
Jim pressed his forehead closer to hers and kept his eyes tightly closed as tears slid down his cheeks. The young parents sat alone in the dim waiting room, simply holding each other.
Pam stared at her distraught husband and knew that some part of her should be angry. Angry that she should have to consol her husband when the child she had given birth to just days ago was in surgery. Angry that she couldn’t scream away her frustrations. Angry that she hadn’t been allowed to hold Luke.
But all that anger faded away when she looked at Jim.
~*~
At the sonogram when they found out about the defect the couple had left, emotions blank. Pam’s mind was completely empty as they drove home, hand on her rounded stomach.
The car suddenly pulled over onto the gravel shoulder and Pam glanced over to her husband in confusion. Jim’s green eyes were incredibly bright with unshed tears and he broke down right in front of her.
Pam sat in complete silence as Jim took in great gasping sobs, crying into his hands. She slowly slid her hand over his trembling shoulders.
“Sorry,” He choked out, voice thick. “God I’m so sorry.”
“For what?” Pam mumbled against his temple as she kissed him softly.
“You heard what the doctor said,” He snapped, turning teary eyes towards his wife. “The heart defects are more prevalent in children whose parents have them. My shitty genes are the cause of this.”
“Hey,” She grabbed his chin and turned his face towards hers, wiping the tears off his cheeks. “You are not to blame. You went through this and you’re still here with me. This baby, shitty genes or not is something we made, you and me.”
Jim stared at her for a few moments before pressing his lips to hers and laying a hand across her extended stomach.
~*~
After that trip home he had been more attentive than ever. Jim would constantly encourage her to relax to the point of nearly smothering her. When she went into labor, he had held her hand throughout the whole thing. It was only after Luke had been brought into surgery when old doubts recurred.
He sat in the waiting room, leg bouncing nervously. Jim’s green eyes were locked on the door leading to the operating room and he gripped Pam’s hand tightly. The couple sat quietly in the plastic chairs and all Pam wanted to do was sleep. She had spent a good two hours in labor and watched as her baby was rushed out of the room.
“I’m sorry,” Jim whispered.
“Please don’t start that again,” Pam hissed, exhaustion and stress overwhelming her. “I can’t deal with that again.”
“That’s not what I was going to say,” He said and his eyes slid up to the pastel colored walls. “It’s been three years since my transplant and I’ve never been happier, but now I’ve noticed that I’m an egocentric jerk. I’ve made this way harder for you than it should have been. You just spent several hours in pain just to have me whine and cry.”
“I don’t mind,” She said softly.
“I know, but you shouldn’t have to comfort me when our child is in surgery,” He looped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her into his chest. Pam then let her tears soak into the thin fabric of his t-shirt.
They simply sat holding each other for hours, waiting until the doctor came out. Pam felt herself drifting off as her husband stroked her messy hair gently.
“Hey,” Pam woke up slowly when she felt her shoulder being shaken. Her eyes opened to see a tired looking middle-aged woman in scrubs. “The doctor’s here.”
“Hey,” Pam instantly sat up and rubbed at her eyes. “How is he? Is Luke okay?”
“Luke came through the surgery just fine,” The doctor smiled at the relieved parents. Pam began to cry silently, smiling softly. “He is really sleepy and the defect was taken care of. He’ll be fine.”
“Thank God,” Jim breathed, covering his face with his hands.
“Can we see him?” Pam asked, squeezing his hand tightly. The doctor nodded with a smile and led the parents through the halls until they entered the NICU.
The soft beeping and dimmed light gave Jim pause for a moment as memories overwhelmed him. His chest ached for a moment as he arrived at Luke’s bedside.
The tiny boy was hooked up to so many tubes and lines that they could hardly see him. Jim felt his breath hitch when he saw the tiny, peaceful face of his son.
“He’s beautiful,” Pam’s voice was thick with tears.
“The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” Jim whispered, then his eyes trailed to the prominent red incision on his chest. “He’s going to have a scar.”
“That’s okay,” Pam whispered. “I like it.”
“You like it?” Jim asked incredulously.
“Yeah, it’s a reminder that he’s going to be here with me,” She said, hand resting over Jim’s scar. “You too. Every time I look at the scar I remember that you’re still here with me. Sometimes when I wake up from nightmares I just look at your scar and I remember that the worst is over, that you aren’t in danger. Now when I see Luke I’ll know that he won’t have to suddenly collapse because we caught it early. You are both still here with me.”
Jim smiled and covered her hand with his, eyes moving to look at his child. He saw the incision and felt a weight on his chest lift. Luke moved his tiny fingers and opened green eyes to look at his parents.
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© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali
© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali