He strolled over just before four, trying just a little too hard to seem casual. She had been staring at her computer, aimlessly clicking files open and closed, for the past thirty minutes, except for the two times that the phone had rung. When she had dared to look over at his desk, he appeared to be doing the same. She glanced up as he got up, shoved hands in pockets, and wandered slowly in her direction.
“So…,” he said, crossing his arms on the counter,”…should we go from here? Or make it later…?”
“We could go from here,” she suggested, after a pause that she hoped wasn’t too brief “…before it gets too crowded…”
She didn’t think she could stand to wait until five, let alone later than that.
“Yeah, good point.” He nodded. “Maybe go for a drink first…don’t want to get the Early Bird Special.”
“Yeah,” she said, with a nervous giggle, peeking up at him at the end. She knew she was blushing.
“Okay, so see you at five then,” he said. He pushed off, and wandered back to his desk.
The next hour was the longest she had ever endured. At four-forty-five, she attempted to stroll to the bathroom, to make sure she looked halfway decent and primp as much as she could without being obvious.
At four-fifty-nine she looked up and saw him switch off his computer. She picked up the phone to put it on voicemail, picking up the few papers scattered on her desk with her other hand. People were already gathering up their stuff, eager to escape the office and enjoy what was left of the sunny afternoon.
He arrived at her desk as Phyllis and Meredith were passing. “Ready?” he murmured. She glanced up at him and her heart stopped for a second at the expression in his eyes.
They walked out in silence, then turned towards her car.
“Where should we go?” he asked. “Someplace where we’re not going to be…interrupted.”
She thought of Roy stomping into Poor Richard’s, or Michael exploding into Chili’s, or Karen….She bit her lip and nodded.
“There’s a place over near me—Newton’s? We can stay there and get something to eat if you want.”
“Yeah, sounds good.” She nodded emphatically. “Should I follow you?”
“Yeah, yeah, good.” He nodded too, stopped; opened his mouth, closed it again. “Okay, so I’ll see you over there.”
“Okay.” She fumbled for her keys.
On the drive over she tried not to think about what he was going to say. She didn’t want to get her hopes up. He might just be trying to break something to her gently. Still, he had said, “It’s a date.” That had to mean something, right? But maybe not. But….And around and around, all through a fifteen-minute drive that seemed to take another hour.
She stayed close behind Jim. He drove more slowly than usual and he seemed to be looking in his rearview mirror approximately every three seconds.
They parked side by side at the far end of the small lot behind the restaurant, under a drooping chestnut tree. He was out of his car and standing next to her door before she had collected her purse from the passenger seat.
“Okay?” he said as she got out, indicating the back entrance.
“Great,” she said. “I don’t think I’ve ever been here before.”
“It’s pretty nice,” he replied. “Not too crowded, not too rowdy. Decent food.”
“Do they have beer?” she asked, in possibly the lamest attempt at a joke ever.
“Um, yeah, I think so,” he responded with a little half-smile.
By this time they were at the door, which he opened for her, then plunged his hands back in his pockets and followed her inside.
They seated themselves at a table near an open window, and a waitress appeared before she had taken her coat off. “Can I get you guys something to drink?”
“Pam?” Jim asked, raising his eyebrows.
“Can I have whatever light beer is on tap, please?” she asked.
“Same for me, please,” Jim added.
“Since when do you drink light beer?” she asked curiously.
“Trying to watch those calories,” he joked, patting his stomach.
She looked at his hand. It occurred to her that this might be the first time that they had ever been really and truly alone—not a moment snatched in the office, always on the verge of being interrupted. Not in a bar with a bunch of other people. Still in a bar, yes, but just the two of them.
She looked up to find him staring at her. Flustered, she blurted out the question she’d prepared earlier.
“How was the interview?”
Nice and neutral.
“Well—“ he shifted in his seat “—it was an interesting day. We were all there together, waiting for our interviews. Michael was first, then Karen, then me….”
She listened, chin on hand, as he told her the whole story about Michael and Jan, trying to concentrate on what he was saying and respond appropriately, while taking the opportunity to just look and look and look at him. He was talking faster than usual, as if he was nervous.
“…so I finally got in there about an hour late.”
He paused for a swig of beer and she thought she should say something. “Wow.” She paused. “So then what happened?”
He took a deep breath. “So we went in, and made small talk, and then he started asking questions. And about the third question he asked was about my future—you know, where do you see yourself in ten years’ time?” He took another breath. “And I had a hard time answering him, because the only thing I could think about when I thought about my future was whether you were going to be in it.”
She sat frozen, not even sure she was breathing. He glanced at her, and hurried on. “So I managed—I think sort of gracefully—to say that had really made me think, and that actually I wasn’t sure a corporate job was where I saw myself. And then I withdrew my name from consideration, and I thanked him, and I left.” Another deep breath. “And then I met up with Karen, and told her I didn’t think we had a future, and…we had a pretty unpleasant conversation. And she decided to stay down there for the night, and I drove back up here. And here I am.” He rested his chin on his hand, fist over his mouth, and looked at her wide-eyed.
She knew she had to say something. “Wow,” she exhaled. Then she chose the least important of the crowd of questions jostling one another in her brain. “How did David take it?”
“He was pretty nice about it, actually. Said if I had cold feet it was better to be upfront about it now, that I could always try again later.”
“Cold feet,” she murmured.
“Mmmm,” he responded, looking at her. “I bet Karen will get the job. I feel pretty bad about Karen…from her perspective it looks really bad…but I thought what I was doing was okay. At least I think I thought that….I don’t know.”
“Maybe it isn’t really any different than what I did,” she said carefully. “I just kept going along…because it seemed easier than taking a risk. You know,” she continued, looking down at the table, “I feel like I owe you an apology for not telling you myself, for never getting in touch last year. I don’t really know what I was doing….I guess maybe I thought there wasn’t a way for us to even be friends after…everything.”
“I can’t be your friend, Pam,” Jim said suddenly and somberly. She looked up at him, startled. “It’s too hard.”
That’s what she said, she thought wildly, and stared at him.
“I mean, I can’t just be your friend. It has to be all or…nothing,” he concluded sadly, and looked down at his hands, clenched on the table, knuckles white.
Her heart was beating so loud that she thought he must surely be able to hear it.
“Well, in that case,” she said slowly, “what about…all?”
He looked up, his expression a heartrending mixture of hope and fear. “Really?”
She nodded emphatically, afraid that if she spoke she would say the wrong thing, or else just burst into tears.
“Really?” he repeated, incredulous joy dawning in his face.
She nodded again, this time feeling the tears coming into her eyes even though she was grinning, she was sure, like an idiot.
He moved so fast she barely saw him before she felt him kiss her, hard, on the lips. Then he was back in his chair, leaning back and smiling in a dazed way.
“Wow,” he said. “Okay. Wow.” He looked at her. “Okay?”
“Okay,” she said at last, and then they just sat and smiled at each other for a bit.
They stayed there, talking and eating and talking more, until almost eleven. He told her about Stamford and what really happened with the merger. She told him funny stories she’d been saving up, about what happened when the gaydar arrived and the bird funeral. It was almost, but not quite, the way it always had been. It was different because, every so often, she would feel a little twinge of fear and guilt, and then remember that she didn’t have to feel that way anymore. And it was different because of the way he looked at her. Which wasn’t that different really, except that he wasn’t trying so hard to hide it anymore.
When they were walking across the parking lot he said, trying again to be casual, “So, are you doing anything for lunch tomorrow?”
“Yeah,” she said, “I have plans….”
A look of disappointment crossed his face.
“…with this guy Jim I just started seeing,” she finished, and he broke into a grin.
“Excellent,” he said.
“Only—can we go out somewhere?” she asked tentatively.
“You mean, like, away from the office?”
“Yeah.”
“You want to keep it quiet for a bit?” he guessed.
“Yeah…” she said again. “I mean, not for any bad reason or anything. It’s just—“
“—that everyone in the office knows enough about our business already?”
“Yeah,” she said sheepishly.
“Well, it’s fine with me to keep it quiet. I’m just as happy to have my private life be private for a change,” he grinned.
She blushed. They arrived back at her car.
“I never told you—it took a lot of guts for you to say that at the beach that night.”
“Well, once I had worked up the courage, I figured, why not say it in front of everyone?” she joked. “Anyway, it didn’t take as much courage as what you said last year.”
“I’m not sure that was courage so much as desperation.” She looked up at him and saw his eyes turn bleak for a moment at the memory.
She took his hand. “I’m so glad that it’s this year and not last year,” she said quietly.
“So am I,” he said fervently and, still holding her hand, kissed her gently. She kissed him back, relaxing into it, feeling how good and right it was. He pulled her closer, putting his arms around her waist as she wrapped hers around his neck. She had no idea how long it went on for, only that she felt dizzy and breathless when it stopped.
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” he said softly, and she shivered at the caress in his voice.
“Could you do it again?” she asked.
“Absolutely,” he said, and did.
It went on like that for some time. Finally he said, bringing his hand up to touch her face, “As much as I’d like to stay here and do this indefinitely, I think we should call it a night.”
“I know,” she sighed, and kissed him again.
He laughed and kissed her back. “Am I going to have to put you in your car?”
“Yes,” she said, gazing up at him.
He kissed her on the forehead and the tip of the nose. “You are the best thing ever.”
Reluctantly she stepped back and brought her arms down. He took her hands. “See you tomorrow.”
“See you tomorrow.” She kissed him one last time. “Good night.”
“Good night, Pam. Be careful driving home.”
He stood there, watching her pull out and away, as he’d done so many times before, and she felt the familiar physical tug of leaving him. Half of her wanted to stop the car and say, Come with me! Stay with me! But her other half told her it was too soon for that.
As she was walking into her bedroom she heard her cell phone buzzing from the hall table where she’d left it to charge, telling her she had a text message. She turned back to flip it open.
Sweet dreams, Pam.
She texted back a row of X’s and O’s, and climbed into bed smiling.
