It took Holly a great deal of strength to keep her jaw from dropping when Jim Halpert walked into her office a week later. He was a walking skeleton with a thin layer of skin. His tall, lanky body was like an old tree, ready to fall when the wind blew too strongly. His eyes were bloodshot, his cheekbones prominent…
“I haven’t been able to keep anything down this week,” he explained as he sat down on the cushioned seat across from Holly’s desk. “Um…the doctors tell me that my tumor is still growing.”
He smiled sheepishly at Holly.
“Are you going to get it removed?” she asked.
“Eventually…”
“When?”
“When the time is right,” he replied, finality in his voice. “Probably within the next three months…”
Holly nodded, hoping that Jim did have three more months in him. If he wasn’t keeping food down…lord knows.
“So you can’t keep any food down?” Holly asked.
“It should be temporary,” Jim replied. “It happens every couple of months. I think it’s just me being a little pansy…”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Is this tumor going to kill you?”
“Probably,” shrugged Jim. “But I’m not going to let it.”
“Why don’t you just get the operation now?”
“I wish I could say something cliché like, ‘there’s a chance that I’ll lose my memory if they operate,’ but I can’t,” Jim smiled. “If I told you the reason why I’m not getting this operation right now, you’d think that I’m crazy. I would like to get to know you better, and I would like for you to know me better before I tell you.”
Holly nodded. “I just hope for your sake that you know what you’re doing…”
“I do,” Jim reassured. “And if it’s too late, and I do die before I get the operation, at the least, I hope that someone knows the reason why I’m waiting. Even if they don’t understand it.”
“Right,” Holly said, knowing that she will understand when the time eventually comes. She hoped that the time will be soon… “So what would you like to talk about today?”
“Have you found a new place?”
“Not yet,” Holly replied. “To be honest, I’m not really looking for one. The dank, cobwebbed motel room seems to fit my mood…”
Jim chuckled.
“Still pining over AJ, I take it?”
“No. Um…I found out that for the last six months or so, he’s been having an affair with a very young woman…”
“Oh…I’m sorry to hear that.”
Holly shook her head, and waved it off.
“Don’t be,” Holly said. “I’m not…”
“How come?”
Holly thought for a moment.
“I guess it’s because I stopped loving him,” she sighed. “I don’t know…I’ve been thinking, and I realized that I never did love him that much. I was young and inexperienced when we met…”
Jim nodded.
“Are you thinking about seeing someone?” he smiled.
“It’s a little too soon to be dating, isn’t it?” Holly blushed because she was thinking about her odd attraction to Michael Scott.
“It’s never too soon or too late,” Jim replied. “I made the mistake of waiting with Pam. I knew I had feelings for her, but I think I tortured myself with Megan to realize that I did have feelings for Pam.”
“How long did it take you to realize?”
“Well, I always felt something for her, and I realized that about three weeks after we met,” Jim explained. “But I was still pining over Megan and her damn wedding. I secretly imagined myself rising up, and screaming, ‘NO!’ when it came to that part of the wedding.”
“She invited you to her wedding?”
“Yeah,” Jim nodded. “Kind of a bitchy move if you ask me…”
That’s for sure… Holly thought to herself. Jim smiled at her as if he knew what she was thinking.
“Pam was the first one to admit that she was in love,” he said.
*****
It was nearing the end of October, and I was getting ready to leave Chicago for good. I was already there longer than I should have been, and that was mostly because Pam and I had become best friends. There wasn’t a day that went by where we didn’t see each other. I would swing by her school to go out to lunch with her, and we’d usually always have dinner at her apartment. I was still staying at a hotel at that time, and Pam would constantly tease me about it.
She would ask questions along the lines of:
“Why don’t you just get an apartment?”
“Does little Jimmy like how the hotel provides floaties for the pool?”
“Do you want to stay at my place?”
And I would always tell her no. But I did enjoy the floating noodles for my pool time fun…
“So you’re leaving in a few days,” Pam said one day while we were sitting in my hotel room.
“Yeah,” I said.
There was a hint of sadness in Pam’s face.
“But you’re still going to go to the Halloween party with me, right?”
“Or course I am. I’m leaving the next morning though…” I replied. “And I need to pick up my Batman costume later…”
“You’re supposed to be Danny Zuko!” Pam cried, stomping her foot down on the carpet.
“I want to be Batman!”
“You promised that we’d go as a famous couple…”
“Yeah, Batman and Catwoman, duh,” I laughed.
“But I already got my Sandy costume,” Pam whined.
“Which Sandy? The original Sandy or the bad ass Sandy?”
“The bad ass one…”
“Can’t you just buy a pair of those cat ear things?”
“I want to be Sandy though…”
“But I don’t want to be Danny Zuko!” I argued.
“Jim, it’s a karaoke party,” Pam explained. “We would look ridiculous singing You’re the One that I Want wearing Batman and Catwoman costumes!”
“We’re going to look ridiculous either way,” I retorted. I hated Grease.
“No we won’t,” Pam insisted. “The theme for the party is famous musicals! Batman isn’t a musical…”
“Why does a costume party need a theme?” I wondered out loud. “It’s bad enough we have to wear costumes…”
“It’ll be fun,” Pam smiled. She knew that my Halloween costumes usually consisted of me putting a random guy’s name on one of those, ‘Hello, My Name is’ tags, and that I hated getting dressed up in ridiculous costumes.
“Fine,” I huffed. “There better be an open bar…”
*****
On the night of the party, I rented a car. I figured that since I would be flying out the next day, I might as well drive to the airport after the party. And I also decided not to drink, although wearing a ridiculous Danny Zuko costume with a pound of pomade in my hair had given me a strong urge to drink. But in the end, I decided that flying with a hangover is a terrible idea. Damn planes and their loud engines…
I parked in front of Pam’s apartment building and ran up the stairs with hopes that no one would see me wearing tight jeans and a leather jacket and my terribly combed hair. I quickly rang the doorbell repeatedly, so that Pam would let me in before the world can see me.
“Who is it?” she called teasingly on the other side of the door. She knew that I hated this costume.
“It’s me!” I replied. “Let me in!”
“Who is me, and why do they refer to themselves in the third person?” Pam giggled.
“It’s Jim, loser!” I said. “Seriously, there are like thirty kids and their parents outside right now…I look ridiculous…let me in!”
“Jim? Jim who?”
“Okay, this is getting old, Beesly,” I laughed. I heard Pam laughing as she opened the door, and my mouth dropped.
To say that she was sexy was an understatement. The blonde wig that she was wearing seemed to illuminate her grinning face. The black spandex clung to her body, showing off her soft, pleasant curves.
“Is this too…whoreish?” she asked, turning in a circle so I could examine her.
I shook my head.
“You look…” I searched for the right word, and couldn’t find it. So I settled with, “hot…”
Pam blushed, and looked up at me.
“You look pretty hot yourself, Halpert,” she smiled. “You ready to go?”
I nodded. Pam and I made our way back downstairs into the parking lot. A couple of teenaged boys whistled at Pam.
“Tell me about it, stud,” Pam mumbled to me.
I grinned down at her, and shook my head. “Such a dork…”
“I just really like Grease, okay?” she said, getting into the Jetta I had rented. “Cute car by the way.”
“Says the girl who drives a Yaris,” I retorted as I gently shut her door.
“So Andy Bernard,” I said as we drove to our destination. “That’s the same guy that spent ten hours in the studio recording an acapella version of Rockin’ Robin right?”
“The same guy…the party’s at his house,” Pam smiled.
“Hm…”
“You sure you don’t want to drink tonight?” Pam asked. “Because Andy is an ex frat boy, and he really goes overboard with the liquor…”
“I shouldn’t drink,” I told her. “I’m leaving tomorrow morning, remember?”
“Oh yeah…” Pam sighed sadly. “When do you think you’ll be back?”
I shrugged.
“I don’t know, Beesly,” I said honestly. “I was only supposed to be here for a month tops. I’ve been here for four…”
“Yeah…” Pam sighed. “I’m gonna miss you.”
“I’m gonna miss you too, Beesly,” I promised. “But let’s just concentrate on having fun tonight, okay? Because I did dress up like Danny Zuko for you…”
*****
“So Jimmy Zuko-rito,” Andy had pulled me aside to talk to me. He was dressed up as one of the cats from Cats. “Pretty sweet, party, eh?”
“Sure,” I said, watching Pam laughing with another teacher from her school.
“Pretty sweet rendition of You’re the One that I Want,” said Andy, clearly not noticing that I wanted to stand closer to Pam.
“Thanks,” I told him.
“So I was thinking,” Andy continued. “I think I’m going to start a one man acapella group. I think you can help me with that…”
“Sure.”
“Here’s what I’m thinking, an album, just me, my banjo, some Elton John cover songs, some acapella, some with my banjo…”
I wasn’t listening. I was watching Pam telling a story. She seemed so happy, excited, as she waved her hands around, and how adorable she was when she elaborated on a certain word. I watched as she paused to take sips from her cosmopolitan. Her cheeks were rosy red.
“I mean, imagine ‘Rocket Man’ in acapella…that would be so wicked, right Zuko-rito?”
“Sure, Andy,” I said. “I think I’m going to get another soda…”
As I walked over to Pam, I heard her giggling at a story that another teacher was telling.
“Hey,” I said when I reached her. She looked up at me in joy.
“It’s Jiiiim!” she giggled, clutching my arm. “My best friend!”
“Wow,” I laughed. “You are…drunk.”
“No…I’m just happy to see you! You’re my best friend, Jim,” she said, giving me a tight hug. “Seriously…you are!”
“You’re my best friend too, Beesly,” I mused.
“And…I love you!” Pam giggled.
“I love you too, Pam…”
“No, like I love you more than you know…”
“Wow, you really are drunk,” I laughed.
“No…yeah…maybe I am,” Pam said, still giggling. “I think I’m ready to go home…”
“All right, I’ll just grab your coat.”
As I drove back to Pam’s apartment, she was humming what I presumed was You’re the One that I Want. It was difficult to tell. From time to time, she glanced up at me, and I could tell that she wanted to say something, but she didn’t. When we reached her apartment, she collapsed out of the car.
“Whoa, Beesly,” I said, running around to help her up. “Are you okay?”
“Ow…” she giggled. “I fell!”
“Indeed you did,” I said, helping her up. “You’re kind of a light weight, you know that?”
“I’m not drunk, Jim! I promise!” she held up her crossed fingers, and giggled.
“Okay…I’m just gonna help you up to your apartment,” I told her.
“Whee!” Pam cried as I lifted her onto my back. “I’m flying!”
I laughed as I went up the stairs. I reached into Pam’s purse for her keys. I carried Pam into her bedroom, and I gently put her down on the bed.
“Thank you, Jim…”
“No problem,” I told her. “I’m going to get you a glass of water. Why don’t you change into your sleepies?”
Pam laughed.
“Sleepies?” she asked.
“Your jammies…pajamas…?”
“You call them sleepies?”
“So?”
“That’s cute…” she giggled.
I laughed as I made my way into her kitchen for a glass of water. When I walked back towards Pam’s room, I knocked gently.
“You decent?” I called.
“Yeah, come in,” she replied.
I opened the door, and Pam was sitting up on her bed in her flannel pajamas. She had forgotten to take off her wig.
“Here you go,” I said, handing her the cup of water. I reached to slide her wig off. “You forgot to take off your wig…”
Pam snickered into her cup.
“Oops…”
“Well, Beesly,” I said, straightening myself up. “I guess I should get going…I’ll call you when I land tomorrow, okay?”
Pam didn’t say anything. She stared down at her cup soberly.
“Pam?”
“You should stay…” she whispered, taking my hand. “Please.”
“It’s 3:00…my flight’s like in four hours, Beesly,” I told her.
“No…just…stay. Don’t go.”
“I have to Pam,” I explained. “I have to go to Megan’s wedding…”
Pam shook her head, and stood up. Her eyes pierced mine. She cupped her hands around my face, and tears began to slowly brim in her eyes.
“You shouldn’t go to her wedding,” she whispered. “She’s only going to hurt you more…”
“She wants me to be there…”
“But I want you to be here. I…I love you.”
She stepped up closer to me, pulling my arms around her body. I felt her lips gently brushing against mine.
“Whoa,” I said, stepping back. “Pam…I can’t…”
I looked down at Pam, who let her tears fall freely now.
“I’m sorry…” she whispered. “Um…it was…it was…nice getting to know you.”
“You too, Pam Beesly…”
“Goodbye, Jim.”
Later that night or morning, I drove back to my hotel, and I picked up my bags. I grabbed a couple of those little bottles of whiskey and scotch, and made my way to the airport. My lips still tingled from the barely there kiss from Pam….
I thought about Megan. I tried to remember how she used to make me feel before everything had happened. Was I even happy with her? Because all I could remember were all the fights that we had even before the abortion. I just remember her screaming at me, but I couldn’t remember what it was about. I couldn’t even remember if I even knew what her favorite food was…
Then I thought about Pam, and the last three months that we had spent together. The hours we spent with each other everyday talking about…life. She knew so much about me, and I knew a lot about here. She always listened to what I had to say, and I actually wanted to listen to what she had to say. Without her even telling me, I knew that she liked mixed berry yogurt, she sketches when she’s bored, and she liked to drink tea while she taught her class. I knew that her favorite food was shrimp Alfredo, and she knew mine was soft shell crab. I knew that she listened to Interpol whenever she worked out, and she knew that I liked listening to Coheed and Cambria when I worked out. Pam would bring me at least one home cooked meal a week. When we watched movies together, she liked to lean her head against my shoulder. When she gets excited, she would clench her fingers and mouth, ‘Oh my god!’ to whoever’s closest.
And I couldn’t remember anything about Megan. I couldn’t remember her natural hair color…I couldn’t even remember what color her eyes were. I never knew what her favorite food was…what her favorite music was. And I realized that I was never really in love with her. I just thought I was. I was in love with someone else…Pam…
*****
“And when I realized all of that,” Jim sighed. “I went back to Pam’s…”
“And you made out?” Holly asked.
Jim smiled.
“She was actually really mad at me for leaving her that night,” Jim laughed. “She didn’t talk to me for a couple of days…”
“Oh…so what did you do?”
“I brought her a mixed berry yogurt for lunch everyday for a week, and a teapot filled with inside jokes,” Jim replied. “But the point of that story was that I could have had her three months earlier. Things would have been different…”
“How so?”
“I would have gotten that operation for one…we would have had a baby,” Jim sighed. “She was over six months pregnant when she died. They couldn’t save the baby…”
“Oh my gosh…I’m so sorry, Jim,” Holly said, genuinely feeling sorry for him.
“I don’t know. It’s funny how different things would have been if we had gotten together three months earlier, you know?” Jim asked. Holly nodded. “So what I’m trying to say to you is, when you have an opportunity to be with someone, don’t waste any time. You never know what you could miss out on…”
*****
Later that day, Holly packed up all of her notes. She was still thinking about what Jim had said. Was Michael Scott her opportunity? Who knows? But she would still take a chance. After all, although Jim was younger than her, she realized that he knew so much more about things like mistakes and love than she did. So she waited by the elevator for Michael Scott, with an unfamiliar feeling of bravery in her chest.
Her heart skipped a beat as she saw Michael locking up his office door. Cold sweat began to form on her palms. And for some odd reason, “Lose Yourself” by Eminem was playing in her head. Because her palms were sweaty, knees weak, and her arms were heavy…she chuckled to herself. Michael waved enthusiastically at her as he walked down the corridor.
“Hey, Holly!” Michael called. “Late appointment?”
“I guess you can say that…” Holly replied. “Actually, I was just wondering…would you like to go out to dinner sometime?”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Sorry for the delay, folks! I was really busy with work for the last week. Stupid business trips...buy anyway, here is the latest chapter. Thank you to everyone who reviewed!
Chapter End Notes:
To be honest, not my favorite chapter. I kind of lost my funk in the last week. Hopefully I'll find it again! I'm already working on the next chapter. Please leave some constructive criticism! Thank you for reading!
