12:16 AM
Wham!
Jim sat in the passenger seat of Holly’s M3 convertible, his ears flooded with the sounds of Culture Club, Wham!, Billy Joel, and Corey Hart. Holly drove on with tears slowly falling down her face. The compilation CD that she and Jim were listening to was Michael’s first gift to Holly on their first week anniversary. She missed him, and although she wanted to talk about him, she couldn’t. After all, judging by the look of disdain on Jim’s face, she wouldn’t further flood his ears with her worries.
Jim stared out his window, secretly glad he was only eleven years old by the time the 80’s were through. In his younger years, he wouldn’t listen to what they then called modern music. His father had introduced him to The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Cream, Deep Purple, Jefferson Airplane, and Jimi Hendricks. On top of that, his mother had fueled his love for the piano by introducing him to Johannes Brahms. For hours, he would sit and wish that he would one day compose beautiful Piano Concertos. But the point is, he totally skipped 80’s new wave and hair metal. And there was a reason why: they were terrible (save for New Order and The Cure).
“So I assume that you’re a big Wham! fan?” Jim asked loudly over the terrible sounds of Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.
“What?” Holly sniffed, wiping tears off her cheek before turning down the stereo.
“I noticed that you seem to like Wham!,” Jim said. Holly let out a teary chuckle.
“Not really,” she said. “Michael made me this CD…”
“Oh…interesting taste in music,” Jim muttered to himself as, Sussudio by Phil Collins began to play. He turned to Holly and said, “Do you want to talk about him?”
“Michael?”
“No, Phil Collins…yes, I meant Michael,” Jim said. “I feel bad about what happened. And I’m so, so sorry…”
“Quit apologizing, Jim. You’ve been doing it for the last three hours now…”
“No, you need to understand. It was me that said those things to you, but…it was because I was I was angry…”
“I know…”
“No, me being angry is different,” Jim took a deep breath and exhaled. “My tumor’s in my temporal lobe. So sometimes I can’t regulate my emotions. When I’m angry, then I go overboard. And this afternoon, I was angry so I took it out on you. So I’m sorry that I have to use the tumor excuse, but I just want you to understand that I would have never lashed out on you like that…”
“It’s fine, Jim,” Holly said, surprised that Jim was the first to talk about his tumor this time. “This music really isn’t really helping is it?”
“To be honest, I have a splitting headache right now,” Jim smiled. “I can’t stand this shit…no offense. I never liked 80’s music. But if it makes you feel better, I can’t listen to Radiohead anymore without it feeling like there’s a tiny person in my head pounding at my brain.”
Holly laughed, and turned off the stereo.
“So you can’t listen to music?”
“No, I listen to music,” Jim shrugged. “Sometimes it hurts, but most of the time, it soothes me. I just can’t listen to high pitched sounds, so there goes Thom Yorke’s sexy high falsetto voice…”
Holly had no idea who Thom Yorke was, but she gave a friendly chuckle anyway.
1:32 AM
Meet Me in Montauk
They were roughly an hour away from Montauk, but they had stopped by an old diner for a bathroom and coffee/juice break. Jim sat, waiting for Holly to come out of the restroom, and took a sip of his orange juice. He looked around the fluorescently lit diner that reminded him of the diners he’d see in movies. A few truckers sat at the tables around him, sipping their coffees. Jim remembered coming to this same exact diner with Pam the summer they had first moved to Scranton…
“Hey,” Holly said, smiling down at Jim. “Sorry it took so long.”
“It’s fine,” Jim replied. “I would have ordered you some food, but I didn’t know if you were hungry…”
“I actually am,” Holly said. “Are you?”
“No, but feel free to eat,” Jim smiled. “I came here with Pam when we first moved to Scranton. This same diner…”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” Jim nodded. “We sat over there.” He pointed to a table behind Holly.
“Were you guys going to Montauk?”
“Coming back, actually,” Jim replied. “Pam was a big fan of Eternal Sunshine…”
We moved to Scranton because it seemed like a quiet place. Pam was sick of the city, but she would always be a city girl. It was July 2007 when we moved here. We had just gotten back from our honeymoon, and we both still had the newlywed feeling.
Although Pam wanted to move somewhere quiet, I could always tell that she was becoming restless. After all, we spent most of our days watching movies. Sure we’d have sex every night, and the sex was good, but…there was no denying that we were both bored out of our minds.
One afternoon, we had just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and Pam said:
“I want you to meet me in Montauk, Jim.”
I laughed, and replied, “Okay…”
“Seriously,” she insisted. “I can take a bus and a cab over to Montauk and you could drive and meet me there!”
“Really?” I asked. “Montauk’s like…really far away…”
“Well, yeah,” Pam said, rolling her eyes. “That’s kind of the point. We need to get out and do something!”
“Why can’t we go to the lake?”
“That’s not far enough…Jim, we need adventure in our lives!” Pam exclaimed, her eyes wide in excitement. “And we’ve been sitting here doing nothing for like three weeks…you’re getting a gut!”
“Hey,” I cried, feeling hurt. I subconsciously rubbed my hands on my gut. “It’s from all the beer we had in Scotland…”
“And the ten pounds of bangers and mash you ate everyday while we were there…and the pint of Ben and Jerry’s you eat every other day…and…”
“Okay, I got it,” I mumbled. She had really hurt my feelings…
“So do you want to meet me in Montauk?”
“This is stupid…”
“You’re stupid,” Pam laughed. “Come on, and say yes, tubby…”
“Fine, I’ll meet you in Montauk…”
*****
I searched for Pam along the coast of Montauk Point. The sun was setting, and I had been searching for Pam for hours. Yet I drank in the scent of the sea water, feeling refreshed with each breath. I felt the sting of the salt water hitting my face as the wind blew. I heard the waves crashing against the rocks. I realized just how beautiful this world was when I saw Pam sitting on the edge of the coastline. I ran over and quickly plopped myself down next to her.
“I found you,” I said, pulling her into me, the sweet smell of her hair mixed with sea intoxicated me. “How long have you been waiting?”
“Like…forty minutes?” Pam smiled. “The bus made a lot of stops…”
“I could imagine…”
“I can’t find the house,” Pam whined.
“What house?”
“The house from Eternal Sunshine,” Pam replied. I let out a laugh.
“I think I saw it, but it’s wayyy over there,” I told her pointing behind me. “It’s like an hour walk though. Do you wanna check it out?”
Pam shook her head.
“It’s fine…”
I nudged her gently with my elbow, and she looked up at me with those beautiful hazel eyes.
“Are you all right?” I asked.
“I was just thinking,” Pam replied. “I’m fine.”
“What are you think about?”
“Well…have I been boring you lately?” she asked.
“No,” I replied honestly. “Why would you think that you were?”
“I don’t know. Remember in Chicago, we’d always find something to do? Like go out to bars, acoustic coffee shops, and just walk around aimlessly downtown?”
I nodded.
“We had a lot of fun, didn’t we?” she asked.
“Yes, I guess…”
“Lately, I’ve been wondering if I was boring you. We never do anything anymore.”
“Am I boring you?”
“No, I like being with you. I’m just worried that you’re bored.”
“I can never be bored with you, Pam,” I told her. “I don’t need to go out to bars or coffee shops or wherever to have fun when I’m with you. I love being with you, especially when we’re just sitting around doing nothing. Honestly. All I need is to be with you, and I’m fine…and I also need Jelly Bellies, ice cream, and beer…”
Pam giggled.
“You’re such a dork, Halpert,” she smiled.
“I know…”
“But I love it.”
“I’m glad you do, because I love it when you call me a whale’s penis. It’s flattering,” I joked.
“Pervert,” laughed Pam, pinching my arm. “Oh, and our house is a little big, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, just a little…”
“What do you think about kids?” she asked.
“You want to have kids already?”
“Only if you do,” Pam said softly, looking down at the sand. “I don’t want to force you into anything you don’t want to be forced into. But our house is pretty big for just the two of us…”
“I know,” I said. “Why do you think I picked that house, Pam? So that we could start a family there…”
“Really?”
“Yeah, just say the word, and we’ll get right down to making babies,” I smiled.
*****
Pam and I were both hungry as we drove back home. So that’s how we ended up in this diner. She ordered some waffles, and I ordered pancakes. Pam ate with gusto, occasionally smiling up at me with her mouth full. It was adorable…
“Okay, so baby names,” Pam said as she swallowed a piece of her waffle.
“Isn’t it bad luck to start choosing baby names before we even have a baby?” I asked.
“I don’t know…where’d you hear that?”
“I think in a movie…I heard it somewhere…”
“Well, I want to play the baby name game,” Pam huffed.
“Okay…um…how about…Astronomer?” I joked. “If celebrities can name their babies stuff like Apple and Jet Pilot, I want to name our kid Astronomer…”
Pam giggled.
“All the kids at school would call him Ass Astronomer,” Pam laughed.
“Wow…how’d you come up with that?”
“My brother…he’d always call his friends Ass Astronomer when he was a kid.”
“Hm…scratch that. How about…if it’s a girl, we call her Franz…”
“Are you even taking this seriously?” Pam asked.
“Aw, don’t be mad…I’m only having some fun…”
“I wish you would take this seriously, Jim. Because who names their girl Franz? Obviously, Bruno or Fabio is a much better name for a girl!”
Pam’s cheeks turned red as she tried to hold in her laughter.
“I like Clarissa for a boy. Maybe we can take him to a tanning salon like those show moms do, and he can be bronze, and we can name him Bronzeicle…” I said, as Pam burst into laughter.
“Jim?” she asked seriously. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure…”
“When we do have a kid, you’re not going to call me ‘mother’ or ‘mom’ are you?”
“Probably not, why?”
“I just think it’s kind of gross when I see married people calling each other father or mother…”
“I totally agree,” I nodded seriously. “So yeah, we won’t call each other mother or father when we have a kid.”
“Good,” Pam smiled, tending to her waffles again.
We finished our meals in silence, occasionally glancing up and grinning at each other like we were in high school, and we had both admitted that we had crushes on each other.
“How about we go for a simple name?” Pam asked moments later. “I mean, what’s wrong with John or Elizabeth, you know?”
I nodded.
“Yeah, we both have simple names…we’re simple people,” I agreed. “Fuck it, Jonathan and Elizabeth it is then!”
*****
“And then we made out,” Jim smiled. “For real though…”
Holly smiled kindly at Jim, noticing that he never flinched when he talked about Pam. His eyes would always light up, and he would always appear younger. She wondered if she had done the same whenever she talked about Michael. But now, thinking about Michael left her feeling bitter sweet. He would probably break things off with her…
“You wanted to name your baby Astronomer?” Holly asked, shaking Michael away from her thoughts with difficulty.
“No,” Jim smiled. “Come on…I’m not famous enough to look cool for naming my kid a crazy name like that. Pam and I...we were two simple people, why shouldn’t we have a simple name for our kid?”
“Yeah…” Holly agreed, thinking that if she could have a child, she would name it James or Pamela. Holly placed her knife and fork down on her plate, and left some money on the table. “You ready to head out?”
4:10 AM
The Calm Before the Storm
They walked slowly around the coast of Montauk Point. Holly watched as Jim closed his eyes lightly as if he were drinking in his surroundings. She looked away quickly as he opened his eyes.
“I noticed that I really love beaches,” Jim told her. “And meadows…but I’m not a big fan of forests…”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know,” Jim replied. “Something’s can’t be explained. I can’t explain why I love beaches and meadows. They just leave me with a light feeling that makes me feel good…”
Holly nodded.
“But anyway, we need to talk about Michael…” Jim said. “Do you think he’s going to leave you?”
Holly remained silent, yet she did think that Michael would leave her. Why wouldn’t he? He had been with his ex-girlfriend Jan who treated him terribly only because he wanted kids. Sure, it was selfish, but Michael had really loved kids. And Holly knew what it was like to want kids, because she wanted kids as well.
“I think so,” Holly replied finally.
“Well…if he does,” Jim said, wrapping an arm around Holly’s shoulder. “He’s an idiot. But I’m pretty sure he won’t. I mean, if I was into Improv while I was with Pam, I’m pretty sure she would never go to my classes with me. Michael appreciates you…sure, I don’t know him, but you guys seem so intimate, and you’ve only been together for like three months or so…”
“Yeah, but…”
“Holly,” Jim said sharply. “Pam and I didn’t connect as well as you and Michael are right now when we had been dating for three months. We were shy as hell…yeah, I make it sound like we connected just like that, but it wasn’t easy.”
“It wasn’t?”
“Of course not,” Jim laughed. “We were best friends before we started dating. Sure we liked each other, but admitting that to each other was like…it made us feel vulnerable. It’s like we exposed our weaknesses to each other. We were shy as hell for the first couple of months that we dated. Every time a date ended, we would just sit there and wonder whether we should kiss or not…”
“I didn’t see that one coming…”
Jim laughed. “It wouldn’t have been awkward if Pam and I had started dating when we met. I know there was a part of me that really wanted to, but…Megan—oh well, it’s all in the past now. I’m just glad that I lived long enough to meet my soul mate.”
“Yeah,” Holly grinned up at Jim.
“And I think you found your soul mate too, Holly,” Jim said. “You should talk about Michael in front of a mirror and see how your face lights up.”
“I know that I love him,” Holly said. “But I don’t know if he loves me…”
“If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t have asked you to move in with him. That’s a huge step for a guy. Like…he’s exposing you to his true self, and that takes a lot of trust and love for a guy to do that,” Jim explained. “I know he loves you too, and I bet you anything that he won’t leave you. Just give him some space, and I promise you that he’ll call.”
“I’m going to take you at your word, Halpert,” Holly said, suddenly feeling warm despite the near zero degree temperature. “Jim?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Everything,” Holly smiled. “If it wasn’t for you, I probably never would have asked Michael out.”
“Meh…I was being serious about you finding a nice guy for a good fuck though,” Jim admitted. “So I don’t know if…”
“Yeah, but I’m glad I took that in the wrong context,” Holly laughed. “But can I ask you what you were angry about today?”
Jim ran his hand through his hair, and brought it down to his mouth and began chewing on his thumbnail. As if he realized that he had been forbidden from chewing on his thumbnail, he quickly shot his hand down.
“Last week, I finished my Will,” Jim said softly. “And…I started thinking. You know, I thought about my parents, my brothers, my two unborn kids, and of course, Pam. I started to blame myself for all the pain I caused them, and I hated myself…and I hate, hate to use the tumor excuse, but…I got angry, and I really couldn’t control my anger. And of course, I took it all out on you, and again, I’m sorry about the things I said…”
“Don’t worry about it,” Holly said, understanding where Jim was coming from. Sometimes you just have to blow off steam…
“Do you believe in God?” Jim asked quietly.
“No, I’m an atheist…”
“I never really believed that there was a god until Pam died,” Jim said. “Because I had to comfort myself, you know? She was such a great person, and she made everyone around her happy. I had to believe that there was a heaven. Because I had to believe that if anyone deserved heaven, it would be someone as…pure as Pam that deserved it.”
“Yeah, I can see how you think that,” Holly nodded.
Jim sat down on a fallen log, pulling Holly down next to him.
“My parents each had their own businesses. My dad ran a bookshop, and my mom gave piano lessons,” Jim began. “They made decent money, enough to buy a nice, big house for me and my brothers. But they were always frugal…and health insurance for people with small businesses is expensive as hell. So we didn’t have it. When I was sixteen, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It was pretty serious, but by the time the doctors found it, it was pretty much too late to do anything. She died a year later, and I blamed myself. My mom always wanted to leave my dad, but I begged her not to. So she stayed, and told me she’d wait till I went off to college. I knew my mom was cheating on my dad, but I told her to break it off, and stay with my dad. The man that my mom was having an affair with was rich…if I just let her go, she would have been able to go to regular check ups, and they would have found that cancer early. But I was selfish. I told her to stay with my dad…and she died six months after we found out.”
Holly looked up to Jim’s face, seeing that tears were forming in his eyes.
“Jim, it’s natural for a child to want their parents to stay together,” she said, rubbing her hand along his back. “You can’t blame yourself for your mom’s death…”
Jim shook his head.
“And after she died, I stopped talking to my dad,” he continued. “He would come into my room every night, and apologize for everything, but I never listened. One night, just before I went off to Berkeley, I blamed my dad for my mom dying. I called him an asshole, and I just went off on him. I told him that if he wasn’t so cheap, Mom would be alive. And he broke down in tears…and the last thing I said to him was ‘I wish you would have died instead.’ The next morning, I found him dead in his car in the garage. Are you going to tell me that that wasn’t my fault?”
“It wasn’t,” Holly said, clutching onto Jim’s hand. “Your father made that choice. You didn’t make it for him. Jim, look at me. It wasn’t your fault, Jim.”
Jim began to sob harder, and Holly pulled him down to her shoulder, wrapping her arms around his frail body.
“It’s not your fault,” Holly repeated softly into his ear.
“It was…” his voice muffled.
“I can see why you blame yourself, but Jim, your father lost who he thought was the love of his life,” Holly explained. “I know that a part of him died when your mother died. He made his own choice. He knew that you had your brothers to look out for you…he made sure that you were going off to college, and that you would be safe. I think he made that decision long before you said anything.”
“But do you see now?” Jim asked, pulling his face away from Holly’s shoulder. “Do you see why I didn’t get the operation?”
“No…” Holly replied honestly.
“Think about it…I blamed myself for my parents’ death, and Megan and my unborn baby—”
“How can you blame yourself for that? She got an abortion without telling you…”
“She tried to tell me about the baby,” Jim said. “But I was too self-absorbed. I was working on music for those kids’ movies…when she came to my apartment, she said she wanted to talk, and I told her that we’d talk in the morning. But the next day, she got the abortion…”
“There’s no way you could have known that she was pregnant, Jim…”
“Holly…don’t…” Jim said, shaking his head. “I’m…I’m trying to tell you why I’ve been holding back on the surgery…”
Although she wanted nothing more than to comfort her friend, Holly remained quiet. She gave Jim’s hand a firm squeeze, and waited in anticipation to finally find out why…
*****
For months, I’ve been having headaches. They were only quick flashes, but they were still excruciating. Whenever I ate, my left temple would hurt like hell. I would later find out that it was due to my temple constricting whenever I chewed food, so that explains why I lost so much weight. It hurt to eat, it hurt to talk, and it hurt to listen.
I would find myself becoming overly emotional, and my right arm and leg would shake uncontrollably. I would later find out that I was having minor seizures. But those were signs that I had ignored for seven months. I should have known. I was a healthy twenty-nine year old man with no history of headaches or twitches…I should have known even then that there was something wrong with me.
There were days when I would dwell upon my parents and Megan, and I would become angry for no reason. I’d later find out that the tumor affected my emotions; specifically anger. I would try to hold my anger in, and I did a good job at that. I blamed my anger on stress, along with the fact that Pam was six months pregnant, I was afraid of being a father, although there was nothing I wanted more. And to add on, I had just been offered to write the score for my first major film, so I usually spent hours in my office writing music. The music would cause my head to ache again…and I ignored it.
Then, on the night that Pam and our baby died, I felt the greatest pain in my head that I’ve ever felt. The pain was so strong that I fell out of my office chair, causing a loud crashing noise. My synthesizers crashed to the ground, and the speakers issued a high pitched feedback sound. Of course, it woke Pam up.
“Jim?” she asked, rushing into the office, and kneeling down next to me. “What’s wrong, sweetie?”
“My fucking head…” I gasped, clutching onto my temple. I tried to take deep, calming breaths, as if I were in labor or something, but it didn’t help. I knew something was wrong, because usually the pain would have subsided by now.
“I’ll help you get back to bed…” she said, trying to pull me up. I shook my head.
“I need…hospital,” I breathed out. “Take me…”
“Okay…help me get you up,” Pam said, one hand tugging at my elbow, the other on her stomach. Our baby was obviously kicking…
Pam helped me down the stairs, throwing quick glances at me to make sure that I was okay. My right arm began to tremble again.
“Jim…what’s wrong with your arm?” she asked, genuinely looking worried.
“I don’t know,” I snapped, the pain in my head still ringing. “If I knew, we wouldn’t have to go to the hospital, would we?”
I saw Pam biting back her retort. She opened the garage door, and helped me into her car—the tiny Yaris. She walked quickly to the driver’s side, and pulled out of the garage.
“I’m sorry that I snapped at you,” I said, still clutching at my temple.
“It’s fine, babe,” she said, giving me a quick smile. “God…I hope you’re okay…is it your head that hurts?”
“Yeah,” I winced, another wave of pain shot through. “Fuck…”
“You’ll be okay, Jim,” Pam comforted. “You’re going to be okay…”
“You should slow down,” I told her, finally noticing the streaks of white headlights. “It’s really dark out…”
“I’m fine…it’s fine,” Pam said. “I just want to make sure that you’re okay…”
I tried to calm my breathing. My heart was beating faster…I was scared. I didn’t know what was going on. The lights from the other cars made me dizzy. I shut my eyes.
“Talk to me, Jim,” Pam called. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but I’m sure that the right thing to do is to make sure you’re conscious…”
I let out a laugh.
“Smart, Beesly,” I said, recoiling in pain. “What do you want to talk about?”
“How’s the music coming?” Pam asked, looking slightly panicked.
“Bad,” I replied. “It’s all shitty…”
“You say that about all of your music.”
“I know,” I said. “How’s the baby doing?”
“Kicking,” Pam replied.
“Okay…so what do you think the weather’s going to be like tomorrow?” I asked in a desperate attempt to calm Pam down. She was driving too fast…
“Good, I think,” Pam said shakily.
“Pam, I’m going to be okay,” I said. “You need to slow down, okay? Just a little…”
And I felt my whole body tensing up.
“Jim?!” Pam cried. I heard her seatbelt buckle clinking on the glass. I wanted to tell her to put her seatbelt back on, and pay attention to the road, but I couldn’t speak. “OH MY GOD, JIM!” Pam screamed. I wanted to tell her that it was okay…that I was okay.
And then everything went black.
*****
5:21 AM
The Storm
“The next thing I remembered was waking up in the hospital,” Jim said. “The nurses told me that we were hit by a pick up truck…on Pam’s side. She ran a red light because I was having a seizure. They told me that she was in surgery, and that I needed to get an MRI because I hit my head on the window.”
“Jesus…” Holly quietly said, tears forming in her eyes.
“I waited, the first doctor to talk to me was one of Pam’s surgeons. She said the baby didn’t make it, but it was a boy. He died on impact,” Jim said, wiping his eyes. “And then another doctor came and told me that I had a tumor in my left temporal lobe, and that I would need an operation as soon as possible. I told him that I wanted to wait for Pam…I waited for seven hours. The attending surgeon came in my room, and I already knew what happened. Pam died…my Pam…”
Jim looked up at the sky, blinking his eyes.
“Guh…” he gasped. “They…they s-s-said that there was too much bleeding and her left lung was punctured…”
“Jim,” Holly cried, pulling Jim into another embrace. “I’m so, so sorry…”
Jim shook his head.
“It was my fault,” he said, holding his hand up before Holly could say anything. “I should have just asked her to call an ambulance. If I didn’t tell her to drive me, none of this would have happened. But do you understand why I’m waiting?”
“No…”
“…it’s just…it feels like I should repent,” Jim said. “I’ve caused five people to lose their lives…and I wanted to suffer because I blamed myself. It’s not about God or religion…it’s the fact that I feel like…I’ve killed five innocent people. This tumor is my punishment, and I’ve been letting it torture me for sixteen months. That’s why I’ve waited for the surgery. It might not make sense to you, but it does for me…”
“You think that if you’ve suffered enough, you’ll be free from…regret?”
“Yeah,” Jim replied shamefully. “It’s selfish, and it’s stupid, but honestly, getting better has been the last thing on my mind up until now.”
“And you’ve waited this long to tell me?” Holly asked.
“If I told you this when I met you, you would think that I was some sort of masochist,” Jim said. “I wanted for you to get to know me, and I wanted to trust you. I do trust you, and I think you know me well enough to at least partially understand why I’ve been holding out on the surgery…”
She looked into his eyes. They were pleading for her to understand. Holly realized that not matter how many times she said that everything bad that had happened to Jim wasn’t his fault, Jim wouldn’t believe it. His mind was set, she knew. He truly blamed himself for everything that had happened. She knew that his refusal for the surgery wasn’t out of fear for his own life. It was because he truly believed that he deserved to suffer through the pain. She imagined herself in Jim’s position. God…what would she do?
She gazed into the sky, staring out at the countless number of stars.
She saw her mother’s, her father’s, and Michael’s faces. What would she do if they had all died? What would she do if she blamed herself for their deaths as Jim was blaming himself for his loved ones? Would she have gotten the surgery? No…she wouldn’t see the point in living anymore. But Jim…he saw the point of living. He loved this world—the sandy beaches, the green and gold meadows, the wind, and remembering his happy moments with Pam. She knew that Jim wanted to live. She knew that Jim was afraid to die. But she also knew that Jim wanted to suffer because he felt as if he didn’t deserve any of that. He would have gladly traded places with his mother, his father, Megan’s and his child, his son, and Pam. But she knew that the world didn’t work that way.
“I understand…at least I think I do,” Holly said, turning to face Jim. Jim’s eyes were tightly shut, and his body tense. “Jim…?”
Suddenly Jim’s eyes sprang open. Holly only saw the whites of his eyes, and his whole body had begun to convulse.
Author's Chapter Notes:
The penultimate chapter. I thought about splitting it into two, but then I thought against it. This chapter is pretty dark, I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Most of your questions will be answered...
Chapter End Notes:
Yeah...one more chapter. Sorry about the cliffhanger, but I had to end this chapter somewhere.
I hope that the reveal of Jim's refusal for the surgery made sense to you guys. It was one of the first things I wrote for this story.
Of course, I greatly love reading your reviews, so...you know what to do.
I hope that the reveal of Jim's refusal for the surgery made sense to you guys. It was one of the first things I wrote for this story.
Of course, I greatly love reading your reviews, so...you know what to do.
